Sexual Obsession

[irags19]

I have a real tough situation. My girlfriend of 5 years whom I have 2 kids with recently left me. It came to light that she had been cheating on me. Our relationship had gone pretty downhill and she was unhappy. I hurt her emotionally a lot, and she turned to this guy. They are having a lot of BDSM sex. It's something she's expressed she wanted to do with me but, I've never felt comfortable with her sexually because years ago she left me and was with another guy, doing the same BDSM stuff. I've kind of always felt like I'd never meet her expectations there. We never talked about it because I've been kind of closed off in many ways.

Anyway, she is so blatantly distracted at this point. She's always on her phone. When we're together with the kids she's texting (I assume to the guy). She doesn't seem at all interested in giving this up in any way. It's painful to see. This guy had a fiance' who he apparently still lives with and does the same stuff with her. He's said some awful things about my ex, to both his fiance and to me. He talks about her like a piece of meat. It disgusts me. Obviously she's left me because she was unhappy but how can this situation be any better. I don't think there's anything between them other than this, but the fact remains that she's doing this.

When it came to light that she was cheating, she called it off to deal with the aftermath. The guy freaked out, she seemed to be very much done with him because of how he was unable to let it go. But two weeks later after things calmed down she was back to it. To see the bruises and marks some other guy is leaving on her is unbearable.

I'm not sure how to cope. I'm seeing a therapist on Monday but it seems so far from now. I just wish she'd come back to me and work things out and then we could go from there. I hate seeing her go this route. She says she has things to deal with but it seems to me like this is just a way to be single and have the sex she's been wanting to have. She's alienating everybody. She's buried in her phone constantly. She's lying about where she is and what she's doing to me, her family, her friends. I want her to see a therapist but she refuses. She thinks she's got things under control but at this point I'm not sure. I'm afraid she may end up pregnant, or hurt, by this guy. What can I do?

[anya_may21]

You could talk to her parents, family, you have a right to express concern because she is the mother of your children.

You can't control what she does with other men because you broke up, but you can control how it affects your kids, or her ability to raise them.

Who has the children? her, you, joint?

[irags19]

We are joint with the children. We aren't pursuing any sort of custody arrangement or financial obligations right now. We recently got into a lease on a rent house and are not wanting to put the kids through any stress, they are 1 year old and the other is almost 4. My main concern is how she is going about it. She is incredibly checked out. She has had conversations with people about it and is making it out like it's a lifestyle thing now.

She is an extremely submissive person. I feel that this guy has complete dominance over her right now and that she cannot resist him. I know she is because of what we've done together, and also how she submitted to me in other aspects of our relationship (of which I'm not very proud of). For a long time we lived by my rules, my way of doing things etc, and after 2 kids in 4 years she's definitely lost a lot of herself. I'm trying to get her to realize that I acknowledge all of my own faults and am changing for the better. She doesn't have any interest in working on it.

I'm concerned about the guy. He has a violent past (that she knows about). She's allowed him to manipulate her into thinking they're both victims of bad situations. She actually is but he isn't. He's still living and sleeping with his ex? fiance? She still shows me the texts he sends her. He has a problem with her seeing other men but he can have intense BDSM sex with my ex anytime he likes. It's a very difficult situation.

Her family is under the impression that I screwed up again and wasn't pulling my weight in the relationship. It's partly true, but the fact of the matter is that for the past month she'd been cheating. So what I was doing didn't seem to really matter. I reached out to her dad when I found out, but then by the time we spoke, I was believing it wasn't true. We haven't spoken since I found out for sure. I don't think any of her family know the details. Except her sister, I spoke to her last night at length about things. She seemed appalled. I want it to stop. She goes on about having a lot to deal with but her focus seems mostly on pursuing this sexual outlet rather than healing and growing from what we have been through. Don't know what to do next..

[woody]

M,G. That's rough man. I can't imagine the protective instincts kicking in for you right now, kids n' all. That's the Mother of your children and I 'm sorry to read of your situation. You say you messed up too in ways but you've acknowledged this and that's growth.
It is deeply unfortunate that your lady is subjecting herself to this brute form; and getting her into a place she ought be like therapy would be no easy task right?, So, what do you do? I don't know.
If I was a man and she was my lady I would of course feel the urge to visit this other guy, clench my fists and go give what for YET what would that solve. He'd probably like it anyway so it wouldn't work.
You've spoken to her sister so that's a good step; get her family on board and at least knowledgable of her behavior, her self abuse really.
Perhaps they can offer some insights that she'll listen to.
Meanwhile, you keep your kids safe; you keep yourself safe; you continue offering love and support to her and hope she doesn't get herself in to something she cannot handle.
Good grief, I can't imagine what your going through. Does she have any big brothers? Big brothers can be very helpful in these situations, at least for a quick fix? ie, get this guy a message to stay away? Maybe get her into a therapist of sorts, somehow?
She has to be the one to figure why she even feels the need for something like this.
Hey man, I wish you all the best with your situation. May you find the strengths your surely going to need to get through this and get through it well.
Take care of your children.

[irags19]

Kind words woody, thanks.

I was nearly headed out to him to give him a piece of my fist but I realized that it would likely land me in prison and that isn't taking care of my children at all. It would also burn any bridge I have with her. She said it herself.

I believe I understand a lot of why this is happening, I just don't like it. We've had a rocky relationship for a while now, we're both quite young and haven't done well to adjust with the new life we're living. At one point in time she was very unhappy and left me, and she would take trips to see a male friend of hers and they would have similar sexual encounters. This is something she's into. Unfortunately she hurt me by being with another man and I've never been able to overcome that and explore it with her. After two years and another child and more emotional pain she's finally kind of snapped again and gone after the same thing. But this time it is much more extreme. Don't get me wrong, I take no issue with BDSM, I enjoy it. The problem comes with what is now seeming like an obsession. She rambles on about her "enlightenment" and so on. I do not think that she is thinking rationally at this point. I think she is submitted to him completely. I want it to just stop.

She has a younger brother who, while he's huge, isn't very confrontational. He might know what's going on too. I'm not sure. The real tough thing is that she has her family convinced that I am the main problem of the relationship, not us collectively. She dismisses therapy now despite saying for the longest time it's what we need. She believes now that she has gone in the past and is much more in touch with her emotions than I am so it's not as necessary. She believes she has this under control and treats it like it's no big deal on the surface but then acts otherwise. She's also trying very hard to appear to be this very strong and independent woman on the outside, but feels a need to be incredibly submissive behind closed doors. I'm just not sure how I pushed her to this point. I feel so guilty. I know this is a choice but I don't think that she's thinking clearly or acting rationally anymore. Just a disaster.

[woody]

Okay. WEll then at this point you've done all you can do. Yes of course I understand the guilt associated though I'm not grasping everything. Meaning, this is her decision. She's doing this, not you. You cannot blame old wounds for her present behavior.
You are a Father now. If Mummy has gone a little off the deep end you must be the pillar of strength now, solely; at least until she comes back to herself.
And you must begin to try accepting that she may not come back. So then its onto being amicable and maintaining a safe environment for those beautiful children that you two made. Protect them. I'm sure you do.

It will not be easy this time ahead. But it will get easier.
Do you want her back? I mean, can you truly get over the cheating issues? Not many could and that's no way to start another foundation. Sometimes we must move on. It is never easy making a choice like this but it is a choice and now you must ask yourself what are you willing to tolerate for both yourself and your children?

A stable loving Mummy would be great indeed. But if Mummy is in full turmoil yet still in denial, perhaps offering space would be the best solution for now. Things become clearer when there is some distance.

Good on you for not getting physical with this other guy, though not easy to do, you took the high road.

I worry that if she moves out, she may try taking your kids with her. Might want to protect that possibility and call a lawyer just to see where you stand. Food for thought.
You've been blessed with two babies with this lady. Now you must do what is right for you and for them. You must protect them.

[rafterman]

Should have shown her a good time in the cot buddy. Tied her up got all freaky. Sounds like you two are not sexually compatible which evidently will put strain on any relationship.

[irags19]

Rafterman, don't go there. The problem is we are, but things kind of got a bit off track what with the two babies in such a short span. We kind of lost the spark after the first baby, but right before we got pregnant again we hit a really good stride and were having some pretty great sex. Same thing happened after the second child.

Woody, I appreciate your perspective a lot. It's very difficult for me to give her the space knowing what she's doing with it. At the moment I'm sleeping at my mom's and she stays home with the kids. We are trying to co-parent for them in a way that is healthy and works for them without dragging them through the ringer. Naturally that brings us together a lot. We've gone out together on dates since, and just tried to remain in a good place but when it comes to light that she's doing this again, I fall back into despair naturally.

The truth is I hurt her a lot emotionally. I took my job too seriously, I didn't focus on helping take the load off with the babies when the were both new to the world. From the start of things she's always had it easier, her parents paid her way while I worked to provide on my end. When she finally got a job because she couldn't continue school, it was at Chili's working 4 hours a day, while I worked sometimes 16 hour days and 7 days a week. Started the whole "keeping score" crap that ruins any relationship if it goes unchecked. By the time we were both at the same place, I wasn't acknowledging her part. I wasn't making her feel good enough. So she's turned to I guess what she knows best. It's really tough and we should've gotten counseling long ago to get back on course.

I just can't stand this asshole and what he's doing while also trying to keep his ex-fiance in line and to stay with him. TO make those matters worse she is an employee of mine and it has really made life difficult at the job. I've heard plenty of stories about him as well to let me know that he is just manipulating the mother of my children into thinking that she's justified in doing this. She also is convinced that she's helping him and that his life is so awful. I've read texts that he's sent to his ex-fiance threatening suicide and suggesting he's sorry, but then it all falls apart when he says, but i still want to have sex with this girl on the regular....what kind of person can be that way?

[woody]

Yeah,I don't know man. I don't know what kind of person this is. Sounds like a master manipulator and any form of this can indeed be daunting and difficult to manage because usually this means their so darn good at lying.
I had an ex like this when I was a teenager. it took a year of planning to leave. But I learned early on how to recognize this 'condition'

Anyway, bummer. Honestly, this is a crappy situation and I'm tapped out of suggestions.

Regarding this fiance who works for you, the fiance of the guy. You say you've heard plenty of stories?, all that. Well, I'd take that with a grain of salt. If she's with this guy, they could be attempting to 'urk your bit' a little. idk.
Just remember, people can be , well, mean.

Hey, good on you for figuring out where things may have gone haywire. That takes self reflection. Not all can do this. Have you spoken with your lady like you've written on this thing?
anyway, good luck man. Sounds like your going to need it.

[irags19]

Well, Friday night I caught her in bed with this guy in our house while our kids were asleep....

[woody]

Oh geez, classy. huh.
Don't know about you but for me, well, I think the blood in my veins would have heated up significantly.

Your babies were there too?
This is your home as well right? Yet your staying with your Mum until this all sorts out? I'd uh, watch out for losing your dibs man. And make sure your rights are protected. I hear of Dad's getting kicked out from their home and eventually losing rights to see their own children. You might want to gather some info so you don't get blindsided one day man.

Father's rights seem to go wayside when Mother's want full custody. I know you say the whole co parenting is amicable but you'd be surprised how the tables can be turned when it comes to these type of situations and unfortunately, the Courts often rule in favor of Mother's and not always for the right reasons.
Watch your back. Be careful and for goodness sake, protect those kids of yours.