Reaching out

[Jade_lee]

This will be a long possibly boring read. But I'm reaching out because I have no where I feel I can turn. And I truely need advice. Truthful advice is needed wether too harsh or not. I feel like I'm wasting my life on someone that doesn't deserve it. I'm 25 and have two children. Both to a guy who i have loved for 6 years. We have not been together for the last two years. But I haven't moved on. He has but is now single and telling me he loves me. He has always seemed to choose other girls over me. But blames me for the failure of our relationship. Last night we went to sleep together and I stopped because I felt so ugly and disgusting because I didn't understand why he would want me now after I have put on so much weight and look horrible and not want me while we were together ( well choose to be with other women other then working out our relationship) I want him. I want our family back. But I think I'm just setting myself up for more heartache. He says I'm beautiful no matter what but Why now. I feel like my poor kids are suffering because I'm so depressed over all of this. And after two years of the same feelings I feel like there is no end. I'm lost. And I can't heal my heart.

[woody]

Dear Jade,

Let me begin by saying, "curves are good" in fact, 'curves' are great.
Now, onto the other stuff.
You mention this two year thing. Does that mean you've been missing your ex for that entire time? Do you want him to be a part of the family again? Living there n all?
Your concerned he may stray again once you open your heart up to him?
Dear lady, you must and I repeat, must for both your sake and your children, attain allot more self love. I couldn't help but to get the distinct impression that your lacking on confidence. Have you even gone out a few times with other men since your ex left? I think you ought to have a few more dates with some good men before making any concrete decisions about the ex.
Only you and he know the inner workings here but in my experience both personally and through friends is that when a man has it in him to stray, he does. That goes for women too.
Guard your heart lady. Self love, self worth.
I understand being a single Mother can be very lonely. I understand that. Do not be afraid but rather reach out and for goodness sake, please get yourself out of the house more and on a date or two each month. Go flirt a little. Don't forget who you are and all you have to offer. Be strong.

[Jade_lee]

Thankyou so much for your reply woody. I really appreciate it. It's so hard to put all the hurt into words to explain it. I have been missing him for two years and the chance has arrived to start it all up again. But I can't shake the feeling to run far away. Even though it's all I want. I want my family. I want his love. I literally have no confidence. I've tried to date but I cannot be the self I once new. He took that away from me. I haven't been myself for a long time. I honestly used to be so strong and happy bouncy person now I'm a mess. I don't know how to get my strength , confidence or love for myself back.

[woody]

Dear Jade,

Well for starters, after reading your latest post I 'd say, stay away. If he makes you feel this way now, imagine in 5 years from now.
Hint.
Jade, A Good Man does not try to take his ladies inner strengths, inner za za zoom away.
You say you cannot find the 'self' you once knew.
Well dear lady, you made it two years without him right?
I suppose now you simply need to decide if you wish to go forwards or backwards. Right? or Left.

I am really hoping you find some of your long lost confidence and go forwards, without the past hurts tagging along. You must do what is right for you and your child.

I was raised by a single Mother.
The proudest day I have with her was the day she left my Father. Proudest. What a power house. We had nothing. Bags. That's it. We made it. Best day with her ever. I was 8.

Hey, i'm just saying, if this man makes you feel bad. WEll, life is too short...
You can do this.

[mylady]

You are his rebound girl. He will always come back to you when other women throw him out because he knows that you will always take him back. You are his safe haven.

Yes, you are beautiful and deserving of greatness no matter how much weight you have gained. However, If you are not happy with your weight, lose the weight.

He want you to keep all of the weight, because he knows that it hurts your self-esteem and you will be afraid to be with other men.

He is bringing you down and he will bring you further down if you do not let him go. If you don't, you will be 35 in the same situation with more kids.
Sometimes women say, "half a man is better than no man". That is not true. If you like crying, feeling bad about yourself and you want your kids to grow up in a dysfunctional situation, dont do nothing. If you want happiness- get yourself together.

Get your mind and body in shape. Start counseling and starting moving your body.

[Jade_lee]

I had a talk to him today and asked him what he wants he couldn't say he wanted his family back but he couldn't say he didn't either. so I told him I deserve more. I deserve someone that knows what they want. I asked him not to tell me his feelings anymore it was time for me to move forward.

It's so hard woody. I made the choice to leave 2 years ago because of how bad it got. I even moved states with my kids to better our lives but i think coming home to visit and missing him I had hoped he had changed and grown up. But he hasn't. I have my strength back today and I'm going to go home and work on my happiness not work on what would make him happy. I get scared that he is going to realise he missed out one day and hate himself for it. But that isn't my problem. I have to stop thinking about him. And more about myself.

Thanks guys

[Wakeup]

Good for you now you just need to get the help you need to overcome this:

I've tried to date but I cannot be the self I once new. He took that away from me. I haven't been myself for a long time. I honestly used to be so strong and happy bouncy person now I'm a mess. I don't know how to get my strength , confidence or love for myself back.

. Living like this is something you don't have to do if you get some help with overcoming it. You haven't been able to do it on your own so now get the help you need to get the old happy self back.

Good luck.

[milk&honey]

You're doing the right thing by trying to stop thinking about him. I know you can do it and I know you'll find true love soon

[woody]

Kudos Jade!!!!
Oh so good on you!!
Yes indeed I fully agree, you must do what makes YOU happy! Glad you had the talk with him. Now please stay strong.
I imagine he'll try lots of sweet talk or if that fails maybe pull out some harsh talk so be aware of this and simply let it fall off your back; stay protected, guarded....
I know this will be difficult but I've a feeling once your back to your other home and away from him, things will begin to offer more clarity, strength and determination....
Please do not allow yourself to fall into old patterns....

Wishing you and your children all the best..

[Jade_lee]

You guys are amazing! Honestly, it's so nice to have read your positive and re assuring comments. I've been home a while, I'm happy I'm doing good but sadly there is still a part of me that cannot move forward from him. So I'm going to get some help with it. I've tried on my own and I need to take it a step further. From the bottom of my heart thankyou to everyone who commented. You really have been a great help.

[woody]

Stay strong Jade. Good on you for seeking out some help to get over that final hump so to speak. It is difficult getting over dreams we once had with a person but now is the time to create new ones for yourself and your children.
Work on YOU first. You and your children are the priority. Right? Right...

Best wishes to you and yours.
Hey, it will get a little lonely sometimes but you must remain strong. And remember, you deserve the love of a good man. NOT someone who brings you down. Okay? Okay.
positive light to you lady.

[lost_man]

I've not read all the replies but it seems to me that he cheated on you, then blamed you for it, broke your heart in the process, left you struggling with what he had done to you, and is now crawling back for a second chance.

This all happened because you tend towards low self esteem and were attracted to somebody who reinforced that.

Regardless of what you do now, you need to process the emotions from the previous phase of the relationship. Get angry. Cry. Let stuff out. Work on your health. Build yourself up for nobody else but you. This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you seeking out and claiming yourself back first and foremost. Then your kids will grow up around the kind of role model that you would want to be for them.

Do that and let's see in a year how you feel about him then.