This girl was really into me, then suddenly shot me down

[TommyW]

I know it's a long post, but please read, I really need advice

About a month and a half ago, some girl I kinda knew from some forum added me on facebook. We started chatting and things were going really well, extremely well. She was really into me and it was really obvious. We were chatting for a few hours each day, and whenever we stopped and I logged back in after a few hours, a new message was waiting for me. She was really interested about me. I was not so enthusiastic, but I let her know that i liked her. I actually was enthusiastic, but I just didn't wanna seem to eager, so I played it cool. Since she lives not so near me, we arranged a meeting at the beginning of August, when she goes on vacation.

Anyway, things were going great for about 4 weeks. Then I noticed she slowed down, rarely messaged me, but still, if I messaged her, she would reply and we would chat normally, she didn't cut me of or anything. But she still gave me signs she liked me, told me she was excited about meeting me and can't wait, I asked if she was certainly coming so I can plan and reserve some things for our date and she said yes. She even gave me her phone number, out of the blue. So the lack of her messaging me I just interpreted as her wanting to spend some more time with her friends, before she leaves.

And then yesterday, she messaged me "sorry, I can't come". When I asked why, she said she thinks she's in love with somebody else. I asked her how long was it going on and some more stuff, but she didn't really wanna say anything, just that she knows him in person and that it wasn't anything I did, it just happened unexpectedly.

So basically my whole world collapsed. I was really looking forward to meet her. I really liked her, and she seemed really nice, I would never have expected her to do something like this. What hurts me even more, she literally cut me of. I asked her some more things, said it wasn't fair and that she should at least give me a chance and meet me in person but she doesn't wanna talk anymore. She sent me a few short messages, but basically for her it's over and she doesn't wanna talk ever again. She didn't remove me from friends, but made her profile hidden to me, so when I look at her profile, it's like we're not friends.

What is strange to me is that before she mentioned she doesn't want a boyfriend or anything serious, and when I asked what about us, she was like, we'll take it slow and see what happens. So it is a little weird that she is suddenly in love. I suspected that maybe things got to serious (date should have been in one week) and she got scared, I asked if that was it, but she sticks to the other guy story.

And for me it is really hard to except, because I really liked her and even more, she was like my best friend for the last month or so. We talked A LOT. She gave me since the very beginning a lot of signs she liked me, even a lot more that I would have expected and a lot more that I would think somebody I just met should give me. But I didn't mind, I enjoyed it. Now at the end I asked her if she really liked me and she said she did, before.

So even if she blew me off romantically, I am sad because she doesn't even wanna talk. We made a really good pair, had lots of fun, and now it's like nothing ever happened, like she never existed and we never talked.

So what do you think? Is the other guy story true? Or is she just scared? Should I message her again, try to get her back? What should I say? If she really had this guy for some time, why did she still give me signs she likes me? Why did she give me her phone number? Should I call (though she probably wouldn't reply)? Most importantly, what happened, why is she acting like this?


Sorry for the long post, but I really don't know what to do, I don't wanna lose her, but I am not sure if there is anything I can do

[TommyW]

I sent her a few more messages and she didn't reply on any of them. I don't understand this. Ok, you don't wanna talk anymore, but how the hell can she do it this way? Complete ignore, and just waits till I get tired and stop messaging her?

I don't understand this totally immature way to diss someone. And it's not like she's a kid, she's 26, I would expect someone her age to act more grown up and with dignity.

I know it's best for me to forget her and just move on, but this ignoring is just making me angrier and I wanna send her more and more messages till she finally replies on some and gives me some answers

It's bad enough for me she blew me off, but at least she can send a message here and there, this complete ignore is making me crazy

[TommyW]

Anybody? Please?

I really dont know what to do. I think i am in love with her. Do i tell her that?

At least i wanna meet her in person once, i need some closure. I will go crazy like this

[Rose28]

Hi Tommy,

I think you should just leave it and move on. She has clearly told you how she felt and there is no point chasing her because it is not worth it and won't change anything. You haven't met in person, so you can't be in love with her but can be emotionally attached as you have spoken to her for a while. Try your hardest not to text or call her, because it will only make it difficult for you to move on.

[Wakeup]

So basically my whole world collapsed. I was really looking forward to meet her.

This is so dramatic that I need to comment on it so that you don't find your world collapsing everytime some chick on the internet privately emails you.

You should NOT be getting so invested before you even meet someone. As far as you should be concerned, she's just dots on a screen that could be a giant fat blob of disability who lives in a mental institution but she sends you interesting missives that have you intrigued.

She has you intrigued... that is as far as your interest should go before you've met someone in person. If you keep it REAL then you'll only be disappointed when they don't live up to who you, in YOUR mind built them up to be.

She's a poser who likely never had ANY intentions of ever meeting up with you. Forget her and in future remember this post and always keep your options open until you actually meet someone and there is a MUTUAL connection. Pinning all your hopes on one internet fantasy is not in your best interests as you've found out.

[shaaane1503]

To me it sounded like the girl actually did like you and she was giving you signals and whatnot because she really did you like you..
But then it sounds to me like that when she stopped messaging you that that was the point when she met this other guy
And it is very hard for someone like you (someone she has never met and never seen in real life, etc) to compete with some dude
who she can see and talk to everyday in person.

I don't think she was trying to lead you on...
This may sound nasty but in her eyes she probably found someone better and is only focusing her attention to him.

If I were you I would stop sending her messages.
If she does not write to you on her own - then you know that you deserve someone better.
A better potential date and more importantly a better friend.

Leave her be and move on - I know this is not easy but it is not impossible

[TheEvilJester]

If you two were just friends, I would say it is different. Sometimes that is just how people are. I've had friends who may text/call/e-mail/whatever with me constantly for a while, then suddenly they won't at all for a while. That can, unfortunately, be confusing to somebody like me with self-esteem issues. Automatically that evil bastard inside my mind is saying "See, now they don't like you anymore either" when in reality, it is just the normal way friends are with each other. Sometimes you are in constant contact, sometimes not so much.

This is different, though. There was obvious interest expressed on both ends, and this girl apparently went out of her way to keep in touch with you and show interest. What she did is most definitely not right. It could be 100% true that the story she told you is exactly what happened. She may have been 100% sincere in liking you, but then just met somebody who is actually near her. Long distance can be hard to do, so it would certainly make sense if it seems better to her to have somebody nearby.

That still sucks for you, though. If I had seen your post BEFORE your further updates, I would have told you not to contact her again and just forget her. If she contacted you back, see how it goes from there, but let her be the one to reach out. She moved on without even giving you a chance, so she doesn't deserve a second chance from you. It would be best for you to forget her and look for somebody else.

I know this can be hard, but as others have said, it is best not to get attached to somebody you haven't even met in person yet. This is one big reason as to why. Heck, I've had online friends who were some of my best friends and we kept intending to eventually meet in person and it just never happened. So, until somebody actually shows true interest in knowing you in real life, it is best to be what I like to call "cautiously optimistic." Nothing wrong with being excited about a new online friend, and looking forward to meeting them in real life, but just don't get your hopes up too much. Heck, they could even turn out not to actually be the person they claim.

Either way, good luck.

[stannisjon]

Dude consider yourself lucky because you haven't started a real relationship with this girl and what happened was happened at a great moment for you. Just let it go.

[TommyW]

You should NOT be getting so invested before you even meet someone. As far as you should be concerned, she's just dots on a screen that could be a giant fat blob of disability who lives in a mental institution but she sends you interesting missives that have you intrigued.

No, I saw her pics, I saw her on camera, we videochatted. Once she even game me a little show on camera to make me horny. She wasn't naked, but it was still hot


Anyway, thanx for all your comments. The part about the long distance might be true, but she told me that before she was with a guy for 7 years and 5 of those were long distance, she why couldn't she try it with me?

I just can't believe how I misjudged her so. If I met a girl anywhere else, I would be afraid this might happen. But she just seemed so nice and good person, I would never in a thousand years expect something like that from her. Ok, if we met in person and she didn't like me so much then and didn't want to be with me, I would understand that. But as I said, she was so nice and into me before, and now she acts like the biggest bitch in the world. She told me it would be easier for me if we don't talk again and if I started to hate her, but it won't, it just makes it harder for me. I can move on to other girls, but I just feel so sad that this six weeks meant absolutely nothing. We had something, it didn't turn into relationship, but it could at least turn into some kind of friendship, maybe a friendly drink sometime down the road.

Anyway, do you have some explanation to why did she give me her phone number even after she knew about that guy? What if I was some weirdo who would call her every five minutes? Should I try to call her now?

And why didn't she unfriend me on facebook, just made it so I can't see anything on her profile? So to me it's like she's not my friend, but she can still look at my profile. Why did she leave this little door open if she has no intention in talking to me again?

- - - Updated - - -

This keeps getting weirder. So on this forum where we first met, you can add users as friends. It doesn't really mean anything, you don't get any extra access to their profile or anything, it's just for fun. And she kicked me out of friends there. But she still keeps me as a friend on facebook.

And it's not to stalk me or something, because I have like 20 pics there, the newest is 3 years old. I don't put any statuses or anything, just a song every month or two (and not the kind of music she likes). So there is nothing that she could see on my profile that would be interesting to her. And she unabled me to see her pics and statuses. Kicked me out on this forum where it doesn't really mean anything. Ignores me. It's like I don't even exist to her. But she is still my friend on facebook. Why?

[TommyW]

Sorry I'm being boring.

I decided I will fb message her and/or call her on phone. Now, which is the best?
1. Do it today
2. Ignore her for two days and then do it

They say it is best to ignore a girl sometimes, but from our messaging so far, I got the feeling it annoyed her when I didn't message her the whole day, so maybe if I wait for two more days, she will think I don't care. Then again, if I do it today, maybe she will think I am to desperate.

And second, do I message her first and call her on phone only if she ignores my message, or do I skip facebook this time and call her directly on phone?

[TheEvilJester]

Personally, I would recommend you break all contact with her. She isn't worth a second thought on your part. Move on and find yourself somebody who will appreciate you. ....Or, you know, at least actually give you a freaking chance! I would recommend you NOT call her, NOT message her, and just forget about her. In fact, I'd remove her from my Facebook friends if I were you. She had no problem taking a friendship that built up over weeks and just throwing it away like it meant nothing, so why should you even give her a second thought? Her loss.

I know it can be hard to realize this. You are fondly remembering the friendship that had started to build up, even to the point where you thought it could become a more than friends kind of thing. It can be easy to get hooked on the excitement of that and want it back. Here is an important thing to consider, though....

Why would you want to even be friends, much less more than friends, with somebody who could just so easily cast you aside? Even if you talked to her and were able to get her to agree to at least still be friends, what would stop her from just doing it again at some later point? Then it will only hurt more because you'll be even closer and will think you had gotten past it already. If she can cast you aside so easily, then she doesn't sound like a very good person. So, forget her. But, that is just my feelings on the matter. You obviously have to do what you feel is right for you.

[Wakeup]

We had something, it didn't turn into relationship, but it could at least turn into some kind of friendship, maybe a friendly drink sometime down the road.

This is a shity attitude for you to be having. If you're not kissing them, if you're not screwing them, then you're her male girlfriend.

Do not strive to be a woman's "friend" strive to be her lover and if she doesn't want any of that then dump her fast and get onto the next pursuit until you find someone IN PERSON, NOT OVER THE INTERNET) that wants you as much as you want her.

Change your direction or you're going to end up single without sex when you're middle aged and wondering why.

- - - Updated - - -

Sorry I'm being boring.

I decided I will fb message her and/or call her on phone. Now, which is the best?
1. Do it today
2. Ignore her for two days and then do it

They say it is best to ignore a girl sometimes, but from our messaging so far, I got the feeling it annoyed her when I didn't message her the whole day, so maybe if I wait for two more days, she will think I don't care. Then again, if I do it today, maybe she will think I am to desperate.

And second, do I message her first and call her on phone only if she ignores my message, or do I skip facebook this time and call her directly on phone?

Stop talking to her ALTOGETHER. She doesn't want you the way you want her and to continue any contact with her is just stagnating you from getting over the addiction of chatting to her and that means you'll not be sussed to look for a girl that wants to be your girlfriend.

Get a life coach or something to help you with your interactions with the ladies in real life if you're too afraid to make one-on-one-real-world contact with them.

You're your own worst enemy right now the way you're going on about someone you've never met. Seeing her picture and camming with her are NOT the same thing as actually going out with her, touching her and seeing if your pheromones match up.

Kicked me out on this forum where it doesn't really mean anything. Ignores me. It's like I don't even exist to her. But she is still my friend on facebook. Why?

Who gives a fk? She doesn't want to be your real life friend so forget she exists. Start now by blocking and deleting HER on ALL your social media sites and get on with getting over your fantasy friend.

[TommyW]

Thanks for advices. The reason I still want to contact her is because I still kinda believe that her story isn't true (about other guy) and she is testing me. The reasons for this are:
1. Her not deleting me on fb - she is afraid I won't add her back, so left it like this so she can easily stop ignoring me and return everything to normal
2. She was often talking how a man must be alpha and know what he wants. Now she wants to see if I will let this one obstacle stop me or not from getting what I want (her)
3. Giving me a phone number - to see I am man enough to call her and not just hide behind fb
4. Sometimes she was angry because I wouldn't message her the whole day, and said something like "I will revenge you sometime". Maybe this is the overreacted revenge
5. When I asked her if she is certainly coming, so I can arrange some stuff for our date (where I also spent money), she said yes. If she was uncertain, she could have some excuse, like "we're painting the house, maybe I will need to stay and help", or something like that

And I get the feeling that you think that no other girls exist for me. Don't worry, I am going out with my friends on friday, of course I will try to meet other girls if she says she isn't coming. Hell, even if she agrees to come, I will still probably try to meet other girls. So this one phone call and thinking about her a few days more isn't gonna stop me from living my life. But I just need to do it. This uncertainty and no answers is bothering me much more than the (possible) brake up itself. And even if she comes and we start to build something, I will of course be careful, and probably look for alternatives, if something good comes by. So don't worry, I can take care of myself, but I still need to call her, just to know I did my best. I mean, the worst case scenario is she says no and everything stays as it is now, and the best case is she says yes and we start dating and it turns out great. So I basically got nothing to lose and much to gain.

[Wakeup]

Thanks for advices. The reason I still want to contact her is because I still kinda believe that her story isn't true (about other guy) and she is testing me. The reasons for this are:
1. Her not deleting me on fb - she is afraid I won't add her back, so left it like this so she can easily stop ignoring me and return everything to normal
2. She was often talking how a man must be alpha and know what he wants. Now she wants to see if I will let this one obstacle stop me or not from getting what I want (her)
3. Giving me a phone number - to see I am man enough to call her and not just hide behind fb
4. Sometimes she was angry because I wouldn't message her the whole day, and said something like "I will revenge you sometime". Maybe this is the overreacted revenge
5. When I asked her if she is certainly coming, so I can arrange some stuff for our date (where I also spent money), she said yes. If she was uncertain, she could have some excuse, like "we're painting the house, maybe I will need to stay and help", or something like that

And I get the feeling that you think that no other girls exist for me. Don't worry, I am going out with my friends on friday, of course I will try to meet other girls if she says she isn't coming. Hell, even if she agrees to come, I will still probably try to meet other girls. So this one phone call and thinking about her a few days more isn't gonna stop me from living my life. But I just need to do it. This uncertainty and no answers is bothering me much more than the (possible) brake up itself. And even if she comes and we start to build something, I will of course be careful, and probably look for alternatives, if something good comes by. So don't worry, I can take care of myself, but I still need to call her, just to know I did my best. I mean, the worst case scenario is she says no and everything stays as it is now, and the best case is she says yes and we start dating and it turns out great. So I basically got nothing to lose and much to gain.

Just use your own intuition on what you should do then and don't bother looking for anymore advise that doesn't match up with what you think you should do then. It's the best thing for You right now to just learn by experience.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, you've heard our advice. Now, you may feel that doesn't quite work with you, and that is fine. However, let me caution you of this....

Even if you decide to reach out and it DOES work..... why would you even want to be with somebody who plays childish games like that? I find it VERY doubtful that she is just "testing" you. Normal human beings do not do that. So, it is most likely that she is either telling the truth, or she is simply no longer interested in you and just wanted to find a way to let you down easily.

However, let's pretend for a moment that you are right and she is just testing you. Why would you want to give her another chance? That is ridiculous and immature, and in my view, would show she doesn't deserve you anyway.

But, as Wakeup has said, if you feel that is the route you want to go, then perhaps it is best you do just that. If you feel that would give you the closure you need, then go for it. We may think and suggest that you shouldn't even bother, but at the end of the day, the decision has to be yours. If you feel you couldn't let it go unless you at least try once more, then perhaps that is your decision. Good luck.