Need your help please, complicated relationship how do keep it from falling appart?:s

[Leeloulove]

So basically I have been with this guy for 9 months now, we went out officially for 6 months and we are still seeing each other now. Our relationship was great, even though I was always the one making most of the efforts (3 times out of 4, I was the one planning our dates/ initiating the text messages). But we were happy, we fell in love, and he was really romantic. But after 5 months of bliss, I realized there was a problem, I realized I wanted more out of this relationship, I wanted him to plan things too and to be the first to send messages more often. Later on I learned that my over planning and super long romantic messages were a bit too much for him, and that that was one of the reasons he let me 'take over' the relationship, without ever telling me he wanted things to be more spontaneous and less 'mushy-mushy' because he loved me and didn't want to change me. Anyways so I told him how I had started feeling like I was making most of the efforts and it made him very sad because he thought we were perfectly happy, and I did too before that 5 month mark. I know it was my fault too, because at first it was him planning and sending the messages, and I know I started taking over the relationship and controlling things and he let me. So when I told him he said he felt like he didn't deserve me if he wasn't giving me what a good boyfriend should, he said he didn't want to break up because he loved me but would understand if I didn't want to be with him, and he changed all of a sudden and became distant, he kept saying I wasn't happy with him and that he didn't deserve me. And we grew more and more distant at that time, and that is when he cheated on me and kissed another girl. I found out about it and we broke up. But I missed him too much and wrote to him, at first he was hesitant to start seeing each other again because he felt too bad about what he had done, he felt like shit and like I shouldn't be giving him a second chance. But I did, and he admitted to me that he didn't love me anymore and that if he would be getting in a new relationship with me, he didn't want to start having feelings again because the only way he could not feel guilty for having cheated on me was if he shut down all his feelings of caring for me. And at first I didn't want to start a relationship based on the physical aspect, but then I decided to try it out because I loved him too much to not have him in my life. But the problem is that his feelings came back quickly, everything started coming back: he started making love to me again the way he used to when we were going out and he loved me, he started being sweet in our text message convos again, we began spending a lot of time just being together, talking, laughing, watching movies, just chilling together at my place. And then I left for a month for summer vacation, and during that time he missed me so incredibly much, and realized just how much he had started caring for me again. He kept saying he could not wait to see me again, to be with me, how he was always thinking about me and was crazy about me again. But then I came home and we saw each other and things were not as amazing as we had hoped they would be, because the thing is that ever since he has realized he's maybe falling in love with me again, he doesn't want just the physical side anymore, he wants to be happy and feel the sparks we used to feel when we were together. But I think that the fact that we are not going out on dates makes it a little dull: we make love, and then talk for hours and maybe watch a movie. So no wonder it's getting old, no wonder that now that his feelings are back and that he expects so much more out of this relationship he thinks the time we spend together is not as thrilling or as great as before since we don't do much now. What should I do? I wish I could tell him we should start going on dates again, but the thing is that he still doesn't want to be in an official relationship, so that's not option… Should I still try asking him? Or should I try spicing things up when we are together, maybe plan games or things to do to keep it from getting boring? Please help, I don't want to lose him, especially now that he is starting to have feelings again… :s

[TablesandChairs]

You seem to be blaming yourself...has this guy brainwashed you?

The moment you had an expectation, he crumbled, cheated and then decided he can only manage a casual/sexual relationship? Oh, and you can't dare make it public or voice your expectations again because he might 'break?'. Eek, sounds like the fool here is you.

I wish I could tell you that you could do better and have you believe it. This is absurd.

[Leeloulove]

Oh, now I can see your post You're right, I do sort of blame myself... Maybe I didn't make myself 'desirable' enough by being there too much? I don't know... Anyways, you're right I should feel like I deserve better, but I don't want to give up... I feel like I can make it right, fight for him, make things 'fun' and amazing again. I just feel like if I do my best, I can give him what he needs from me now that he's starting to have feelings again. Because I need the same thing, I also feel like now I want things to be amazing again when we're together, like our new relationship isn't bringing us that... So maybe there's something I can say or do or change to brink back the spark, since both of us want it now? What do you think?

[lost_man]

Please can you make an effort to break down questions into palatable paragraphs. By the end of that I felt like I'd been force fed a soap opera and just gave up.

[Leeloulove]

I don't know why a commercial keeps hiding the answers I'm getting!

[Wakeup]

I don't know why a commercial keeps hiding the answers I'm getting!

Because the administrator has filled this site up to the brim with his experimentation and redundancy... that's why.

Back to you (yes please take the time to use paragraphs if you respond).

You are very naive and you are allowing him to have everything a guy in a relationship would get without the benefit of him being exclusive or needing to do a freaking thing to keep you.

Immediately upon him telling you that he cannot tollerate the relationship once it's past the new relationship energy stage, you try to over-compensate yet again by wanting to PLAN EVERYTHING TO MAKE IT WORK.

Learn the lesson this man is trying to teach you and that is that you shouldn't have to be the only one in the union who is making all the effort, that there is not enough desire to be with you for him to work for you because you dont' give him any chance to work for you. You took him back after he cheated because you're so desperate for a lazy assed cheater who is just in it for new relationship energy sex and when that wanes, he makes excuses why he's not good enough for you and he leaves.

Let him go this time before he cheats on you again to get that "new relationship energy" with someone else while he waits for you to just let him walk right through that door to your vagina yet again.

[Leeloulove]

Hello Wakeup, I hope you will receive my reply, I'm not sure if they are showing up...

Anyways, we are exclusive actually, but you are right when you say he doesn't need to do a freaking thing to keep me, because I'm the one doing all the work and he just decides what he wants from me and gets it.

But of course I will want to fight for him if I love him, I'm not going to give up on him... I know we can be happy and I know we can have an amazing time together, so I want to work on getting to that place again!

Maybe I can ask him to make efforts too, for example I can tell him: either you start manning up and working at this too, or we're done. Because I feel like it would be stupid to give up now, now that his feelings are starting to come back, now that he's starting to want more, maybe this is a good sign, maybe we can make it work, together, the both of us, if he wants for us to be 'happy' now.

[strangetogether]

Love should not be that hard, that difficult, or that drama-filled.

I would move on.

-strangetogether.com

[HardToughTimes]

I think regardless of how he reacts, you should stand up for yourself and show him where the line is. If it were me, I would tell him to either sh*t or get off the pot. He wanted a FWB situation but isn't happy with how it turned out? Tough. That's his problem. And let's remember, he was the one that cheated on you in the past, so he should be working extra hard to keep your trust. You definitely shouldn't be catering to him!

[TablesandChairs]

It's only when you're in a relationship that truly works, that's truly satisfying and reciprocal that you realise why all the other ones didn't work out. You wonder why you ever made the effort to begin with. I don't think you know what that's like yet so you persevere with this. And that's okay, it's a learning curve.

But try not to demean yourself further. This guy cheated, makes no effort, sleeps with you but doesn't commit in the proper ways, then plays on your personality type and manages to make you feel bad for having the smallest of expectations...you know, even hookers get something in return for sex. You're basing everything on 'Oh when he loves me more things will be good!' - but I would caution against basing a relationship on 'whens' and 'what ifs'. Base it in the now - is it making you happy now? You shouldn't have to bend through hoops to get him to act in the way a partner should act.

[Wakeup]

Yes... it's a learning curve and you're not willing to take back your personal power and tell this guy that you deserve more then what he's willing to give you. You're too afraid to leave a man you aren't even married to who cheated on you. You do all the work to keep the relationship going then you resent the fact only to revert back to wanting to do that so that he doesn't get bored with you again and cheat on you.

If that's what you want then who are we to tell you what to do. My only suggestion now is that you STOP expecting him to change because you've discovered who he is already and he's not done one GD thing be different. You can change you but you can't change him so learn to be satisfied with what little you do get for him and nothing more.

[Encryptedone]

I don't really get the situation...

You're worried things might be getting boring, or that he thinks that way...

But you don't want to go on dates like other couples do, because... Because what exactly?!?

Cause that's the solution right there. Some dates, some trips, doing anything else but sitting at home every night.

But the bigger problem is whether you can accept him how he is.

Some people, especially some guys just aren't that big on planning things, being in charge and romantic gestures.

You seem to think you found an amazing guy, who knows, he might be: Your opinion is the one that matters.

But unfortunately for you, he also sounds like he isn't big on planning dates and being spontaneously romantic.

Is that really the case, or is it just because he's taking a backseat, since you've jumped behind the romantic steering wheel, like what happened the first time around.

That's something you need to find out and discuss with him.

Is he willing and able to change this and learn how to be a little romantic, and if not, can you live with the fact that you can't change people, and that your otherwise awesome boyfriend is who he is?

That's also something you need to discuss. And think about. In private.

[desktop]

It always amazes me when I read about some woman who will struggle and go through hell with the wrong guy, but they won't give a decent guy the time of day. Wake up and smell reality; the problem isn't the man - the problem is you.