woody's wedding woes

[woody]

Hey guys,

Being anonymous helps here. I know some of you read my only other thread regarding my sweetheart and I; how we were on our way to my siblings wedding and how some of you wondered how that was going to go.
Well, it went. I'll tell you that. It went.
My sweets is a hermit. We both are. Two hermits that do alright here at home but every Flippin time we leave our house, that whole Jeckle/Hyde syndrome kicks in for him.
How desperately I wished it would be alright. This was my Family after all. Surely he would get a grip and be on his best behavior. For the most part he did alright. I know he was uncomfy around the strangers. We both were. But many were my Family watching ever so closely. So of course the day of the wedding once the drinks were being offered and some time passed, out came Hyde in full regalia. We argued in our car and missed dinner. My dear cousin came out to get us. My face was stained with tears so she helped tidy me up so others would not see me in distress. She was great. She spoke with both of us and helped to return reason.
The rest of the night went good. We danced. Sure, he held me close and at times moved me around like a rag doll but only bumped into a few understanding fellow dancers and it was a wedding so this was expected, no problem there.
Then once the night was over at the hall we all returned to the hotel. I had hoped he would join all of us out front as we continued the night but he stayed in the room.
When I got back, well, that's when stuff hit the fan. He said some mean things. Mean and I mean totally uncalled for loud and cruel things.. And I, in my state, jumped on the bed and wrapped my legs around his torso and held him down asking him to keep his voice down for family members were in the rooms around us. He did not keep his voice down. So I lost it. I ripped his shirt while saying things like, "this is my family's wedding, of all places and times to do this, why now? I think I called him stupid, an asshole. You know, the usual suspects. Not a good moment for me. But then he threw me across half the room and I struck my elbow on the mini fridge and hit the floor Hard. At which point I bolted up and jumped on him again and ripped his shirt even more. Then he threw me again and I went flying onto the floor with a very loud thump.
The following morning he did not join me for brunch with the Family.
I could sense that some had heard thumps and bangs from our room. Needless to say, I was distraught. My Family likes him. When he is himself he's wonderful.

We are home now. My Mother called and I lied to her. She asked if he's ever gotten physical or mean. I lie because most of the time he's the perfect mate, when he's sober. I think to myself, all couples get a little physical from time to time do they not?
Sure, throwing some one who weighs 100 pounds less will have measurable effects but I was holding him down and ripping his shirt. Note: I do not usually do this but was uber protective over my Family and really upset with him for yelling at me such horrible things when my Family members were in the next rooms. This man I brag about, saying such things and so loud. I admit, I wanted to cover up his foul mouth with a pillow so they wouldn't hear.

Anyway, we are back now. I am humbled by this. How I wished this weekend could have happened without Hyde rearing his ugly head. But he came out and boy was it a doozy. Now I'm that woman who lies to her Family about stuff.
What I am asking is this. Do all couples get physical from time to time? Let's be honest here. He was out of his element. WE both were.
Am I making excuses or is this simply something that happens. I do not want to become a statistic. for those of you who have read that other thread, you know how much I love this man. How sweet and wonderful he is. I get protective over him when we are away from our home. But it seems that every single time we have been away, he gets nasty. How am I to deal with this. How.
I hope your all well. Know that I am not weak. I am a fool in love.

[anya_may21]

that isn't good, woody.

Have you at least gone to talk to another for yourself, because this whole wedding trip is a major situation between you and him and for you to have a professional to lean on is best for your own sanity.

It is almost like taking animal from the wild and placing them into a city and civilization and then go berserk because they feel scared and trapped, it should have relaxed more and got through it, wasn't it only a day or two?

I understand why you jumped on him and ripped his shirt, you were at your breaking point with him, you expected him to do this for you and be on his best for you and he didn't really try and you didn't want him to ruin or spoil your cousins day. Unacceptable for him to throw you in any situation he could have just rolled you off him and left the room.

I am thinking he was very drunk by that point?

I never was physical with any BFs, but I haven't had many relationships and my current is LDR.

I think you are trying a way to justify it to make you okay with the whole trip and how he behaved, he didn't try for you, it is on him, I am sure he will say I told you I shouldn't go, he wants to make sure you don't invite him again. I think he was successful at doing that.

Go to your therapist and talk to him or her, worry about you for once, not him. Sorry about what happened *HUGS*

- - - Updated - - -

Also send links by PM to all members who posted in your other thread so they see this thread and answer you, in case most never read this section.

[dem862]

I have never been physically violent with a woman in my entire life.

[lovebroken]

Your family likes him because you only tell them about his good side, if they knew about his bad side towards you they would not approve as much. Is the Jeckle and Hyde syndrome one where someone shows a public and private face? They should have a consistent behavior if radically different they might need medications for some mental disorder.

What I am asking is this. Do all couples get physical from time to time? Let's be honest here. He was out of his element. WE both were.
Am I making excuses or is this simply something that happens. I do not want to become a statistic. for those of you who have read that other thread, you know how much I love this man. How sweet and wonderful he is. I get protective over him when we are away from our home. But it seems that every single time we have been away, he gets nasty. How am I to deal with this. How.
I hope your all well. Know that I am not weak. I am a fool in love.

Not all couples physically fight, argue maybe but strike each other, no. Give him time alone to realize how his actions have hurt you.

[woody]

Anya, no it is not good. Yes, by that time he had been handling himself well up to then but yes, he was V e r y drunk (as many are at weddings) but yes yes, he was pretty over the top so to speak by that point in the hotel room.

When we got back home it took a day for him to express remorse. He claims he does not remember much. I remember everything and I was under the influence as well so, I don't know. Does he have an imbalance in his nogen? my sweet man needs help. I cannot give it to him. He is also broke and spent his last few hundred on beer to 'deal' with being broke. I worry his bottom must fall out before insight may be gained.
I will go to speak with a pro. I do not want to lose him. But I fear he'll only get worse before he gets better and though my actions, (ripping his shirt and jumping on him, holding him down) wasn't cool either but I also know that he weighs allot more than I do and to throw me twice is simply, well, not cool either.
I suspect my Family is having concerns as they are 'coming down'. They like him but also know i'm old school in matters of my heart and am stubborn.
Why can't he help himself? Does he not understand that when he gets like that, when 'Hyde' comes out to play that it is like night to his normal day? So different.
If it was Hyde I met first, I'd never have opened my door to this man again. But it was him, the real him, the wonderful loving and funny man that holds me so well, makes me feel safe and offered a girl that was closed up, another chance at love.
Anya, I'm feeling broken. It has been helpful writing here to you fine folks and reading what people have said has helped.
Maybe I do have to leave if he's ever to get better. If I abandon him, will he ever let me back in. idk. Leaving would be torture for me but staying and witnessing this weekly transition is torture as well. (not that he gets physical each week, the wedding was the only time) but he becomes very difficult to be around. LIke walking on eggshells.

I'm a blubbering woman at the moment.
Dem and lovebroken, thanks for your words. A mild mental disorder may be on the table indeed. If I was loaded I would hire some posh clinic for rehab and get two big guys to come get him. I know the horrible withdrawal he'd surely endure would need professional know how. My sweetheart would not go willingly.
I may lose this man to save his life. I konw i'm being selfish now, by staying, hoping he'll get there on his own. His credit is maxed out, he has no more money. Maybe it will get better now that he's totally broke, or, it won't.
I' made a good female friend here in this town who says I can stay with her. I haven't shared the details with her about him, but she knows he's a drinker and tends to 'turn'. So I do have back up.

Folks, your great. Your my therapy right now. Thank you for that.
I'll be fine. I'm glad I shared. Happy days to you and yours

[lovebroken]

Does he have health insurance how ever it works in your country to cover expenses for a rehabilitation center for drugs or alcohol or a psych evaluation? People who have drink or drug issues always find ways to get their fix, always, having no money might not be his way back. You should spend a few nights a week at your new friends place so you can gather your own senses without his drama on you.

[woody]

He does have insurance for health coverage but from what I've gathered the one's 'covered' have quite the waiting list and honestly, I just don't know if he'd go for it. He does not think he has a big problem.

If I could swing the few nights a week away without him thinking i'm abandoning him, it might work but if he thinks i'm abandoning him, he'll create havoc.
He says if he gets a job, he'll drink less and paint more (he's a great painter). He claims that in his past, he's painted the most when he's broke and has a p/t labour job. Says he appreciates his free time more and takes brush to canvass more often because he makes more selling his work than he does hourly with labour.

I have been listening to this story for the past 3 years and still have yet to witness it in action.
I have gone to forums that deal with alcoholism and many say that by staying I am enabling.

Lovebroken, if I had a magic wand I could heal him. Our love is strong as is our bond. What kind of woman would I be if I left him. Would he understand I did it for us, so he can see clearly and finally get some help or would he take it as he takes all the other times people have left him and let him down for no good reason.(at least, no good reason in his mind)?? idk.

I get the need for gathering my own senses; my own self worth. Funny, I am constantly telling people here to remember who they are, to regain that sense of self worth. Perhaps I ought take my own advice and fight for my life, for happiness. Perhaps he will meet me on the other side.
I am trying to be stronger. The weight of his sadness is carried on both our shoulders. I know he's happier when I make music, when I paint, when I work in the garden. Perhaps my lesson is to carry on with what makes me happy and through this, some clarity will come. Strength, is what I need.
I hope your well and thanks for the advice; good advice it is.

[anya_may21]

Anya, no it is not good. Yes, by that time he had been handling himself well up to then but yes, he was V e r y drunk (as many are at weddings) but yes yes, he was pretty over the top so to speak by that point in the hotel room.

When we got back home it took a day for him to express remorse. He claims he does not remember much. I remember everything and I was under the influence as well so, I don't know. Does he have an imbalance in his nogen? my sweet man needs help. I cannot give it to him. He is also broke and spent his last few hundred on beer to 'deal' with being broke. I worry his bottom must fall out before insight may be gained.
I will go to speak with a pro. I do not want to lose him. But I fear he'll only get worse before he gets better and though my actions, (ripping his shirt and jumping on him, holding him down) wasn't cool either but I also know that he weighs allot more than I do and to throw me twice is simply, well, not cool either.
I suspect my Family is having concerns as they are 'coming down'. They like him but also know i'm old school in matters of my heart and am stubborn.
Why can't he help himself? Does he not understand that when he gets like that, when 'Hyde' comes out to play that it is like night to his normal day? So different.
If it was Hyde I met first, I'd never have opened my door to this man again. But it was him, the real him, the wonderful loving and funny man that holds me so well, makes me feel safe and offered a girl that was closed up, another chance at love.
Anya, I'm feeling broken. It has been helpful writing here to you fine folks and reading what people have said has helped.
Maybe I do have to leave if he's ever to get better. If I abandon him, will he ever let me back in. idk. Leaving would be torture for me but staying and witnessing this weekly transition is torture as well. (not that he gets physical each week, the wedding was the only time) but he becomes very difficult to be around. LIke walking on eggshells.

Has he done the usual continuing I am sorry after these setbacks in his behavior because he is actually sorry or because he is worried you'll leave him? Did he black out that evening if he cannot remember the awful events of the night?

He hasn't hit his rock bottom A ha moment yet, or he'd be off getting the help he was told by you he needs, I cannot see how his own friends are not telling him to get help too, will your own family talk directly to him when they soon visit you?

I thought you had already gone to see a professional just for your own sake, please don't delay this he doesn't have your best interest at heart, you need someone who does. who knows ways to help you remain sane with him, or encourage you to take a break.

He could have broke your neck, woody, caused you to hit your temple and killed you too, not wanting to but he was wasted and didn't know his own strength he didn't think about keeping you safe, so YOU have to think about your own safety. Don't blame yourself, he didn't have to throw you two times he could have got up and left the room.

He is happy with how he is that is why he won't change. That or he is beyond caring anymore, about himself and his life.

If you feel broken, help YOU, you put him first, now is your time, and make therapy session appointment and go to the woman's home you mentioned above on day of first therapy date and stay overnight same night so you can have another person who is sensible to talk with.

Don't leave spare cash around, in your purse, hide credit cards you have an anything else he can steal to buy alcohol with of yours. Protect you and yourself and your own money.

I know you love him, but isn't your sanity, life and happiness important too, don't lessen your worth. Keep posting to us your worries, it helps you to vent it out because you cannot with your partner, this is your safe place to share with people who care and want to help you.

[somehelp4me]

It is escalating, woody, get out! Nothing good will come from staying with him if he won't get or ask for help.
He's selfish and only cares about himself and his next drink and you know it, don't let him take you down with him even if you do love him.

[woody]

Okay folks, better news. I found a therapist of sorts to speak with and sweetheart may even join me there. So that's progress right? Well it's something and who knows, maybe we'll both gain something from reaching out...

Funny thing, running out of money and in term, running out of options. I know he's stressed about the beer running out. I suggested he brew his own when we can afford a kit. I know it is not a solution to his issues regarding such but perhaps by brewing his own, he'll not consume so fast; and these things take time.

Anya, he has expressed remorse again in our quiet moments. I know he feels badly about what happened and it is a wakeup call.
We have our home, our garden and we have a good Family network with many who care. I am hoping he finds the inspiration needed (and strength) to cope with his alcohol issues. Like I said before, lots of love here in the ol homestead.
The parents showed up. We had a good visit. My Father and him got a chance to speak alone and though I know not what they spoke of, seemed to shower some knowledge and the well known fact that many couples who don't socialize much have issues when forced to. They also told us they too took time to be comfy around others.
We both know we need to get out more. Being hermits and keeping ourselves away from our fellow humans is not the best thing to do and we will do our best to socialize more so it gets, well, easier.
He admits he was jealous and isn't use to me talking to other people; add in a Wedding, a late night, too much beer and all H__ breaks loose. So, we're going to work on it. Therapy too.
Hey everyone, thanks for the words.
someonehelpme, no worries, I will not let him take me down with him. I'm a tough bird and hereby promise to get out if it ever reaches, if it ever reaches that point of no return, I will pack up and reluctantly move on.. But I am hoping with all of my heart that that point never comes. He is a good man.
again, thanks all.

[lost_man]

You have self esteem issues. Probably social anxiety and other things too.

Your post is full of justifications. He's ok when he's sober…and yet he's an alcoholic. He's ok when it's just you two…and yet you can't live like hermits. He's ok because other people like him…yet behind closed doors he becomes a monster (you said Hyde, not me). You are even finding ways to help him keep drinking.

You are already choosing to be a statistic…question is, will you end up being a dead one or a beaten up one?

I know you both have issues and you probably feel like being together creates a level of acceptance of those issues that other people may not have. I understand that. The thing is that it also keeps you trapped where you are at emotionally and psychologically, it "enables" you to not grow and improve as a person. Be aware it might well be the irrational fear of that growth, or losing that understanding, that is binding you to him.

I suggest that therapy is the way forward. I'd like to say that you can work on it and forge a relationship free of domestic abuse either physical or emotional, but I doubt it. Personally I would advise you to break up with him and find someone else.

Oh and no, he is not a good man.

[somehelp4me]

someonehelpme, no worries, I will not let him take me down with him. I'm a tough bird and hereby promise to get out if it ever reaches, if it ever reaches that point of no return, I will pack up and reluctantly move on.. But I am hoping with all of my heart that that point never comes. He is a good man.
again, thanks all.

You changed my screen name, woody - I think to something you want yourself, help from someone, hope the therapist can help you see that taking space is what's best, if you never go away he sees that as you accepting his actions so why would he ever change? Hope things get better for you from here on in. Also apologies are meaningless if the behavior keeps getting repeated, remember that, only words with no worth behind them.

[woody]

Oops on the screen name bloop. Sorry about that.
Yes I see what you are saying. He is in a battle with himself and time will tell.
Therapy is a good step and we both hope this will help. No one is perfectly perfect but he's pretty darn close.
hope your day goes well and again, appreciate the insights.
take care

[dontaskme]

You are indeed a fool in love Woody. You seem like a good person and deserve someone better than this man.

To answer your question, NO, not all couples in relationship get physical. I've never been hit or thrown by a man. If ever that happened, that man, love or no love would find himself in jail.

You shouldn't cut yourself short because of him. Drunk or no drunk, no excuse for his laziness and violent behavior.

[woody]

Lost_Man, I may have social anxiety issues as does he but allow me to say again, this was an isolated incident. Before going to this function neither of us, (outside family visits) have witnessed strangers of the opposite sex socializing with either of us. Admittedly, we need to work on this And he has offered his heart felt apology saying 'It' should have never happened (the hotel ker fufal) and is willing to go to a pro to talk about it.
The 'booze' issue and wether or not it will decrease will shed more light on how he'll react.
but, yes, he is a good man.
I get the whole up in arms advice as I would offer the same had I read what I wrote. but again, this was a one time thing. What happened had never happened before. Sure, we have our ups, down as any two indubitably do. but the love IS strong.

I understand the whole, 'If it's in them to do it once, it's in them to do it again' notion. I would pack up and reluctantly go if it ever happened again, I assure this.
"finding ways to help him drink". Well, perhaps. But he is a drinker. He has been a drinker for many many years, well before my time with him and when a person has it in their blood to the level of which he does, you cannot go cold turkey so to speak. It becomes a medical condition and must be weened. My thought on brewing his own brew is an attempt to prolong the process. ie. Rather than going and buying pre brewed 12 pack, he must brew it first, wait some time and when he does crack one open, he knows the process that went into it. Maybe he won't drink them as fast.
I know, I know, only he can decide this. He is out of money. The next few months will tell me allot of his character.

Hyde only comes out once and awhile and the only time it got physical is that one time I spoke of to you all. Usually, he's just like a drunk three year old that needs to be put to bed. The ONLY time Hyde became a true monster as you say, was that once.
I appreciate the insights. I would probably offer similar ones but I'm here, in it... He's a good man who made a bad mistake and he's feeling it. A wake up call as it were.

Hey, All of you, you take care. again, thanks, I'll be fine. He is a good man.