Am I being insecure or is she pushing me away? (My 1-yr relationship)

[woody]

Again, try to boost her libido. She told you she isn't 'feeling' sexy and believes she has gained weight; and though we know full figured ladies are absolutely gorgeous, if she has put on some weight, she could be feeling that whole BS tension put out by fashion magazines to lose it. F.That. Yet she's feeling it anyway. This implies insecurity of sorts and though you two are attracted to one another, for some reason you both seem to be over thinking something that usually happens instinctively and naturally.
Yet if the Libido drive is high, I assure you, 'thinking' will be the last thing happening when that moment strikes right.
Ginseng. Get some. It is not expensive.
good luck

[SunnyDayz]

I feel your pain, OP. I'm in a pretty similar situation, in fact, just posted about it here. All sorts of mixed messages in my relationship but the bottom line is that we're drifting further apart and she seems to have no will to stop it.

You've gotten some good advice above... but I wanted to step in with an observation. When my relationship is going well, I have no sense of need... no sense of unfulfillment. I feel her presence, her love and her desire - not just physically but to really be together. When that starts to slip away, it does something to a person. How did I become this sad, seeking person, chasing after a woman, looking to any observer like a super needy, emotionally broken guy? I've heard it said that we are only as "needy" as our needs that are going unfulfilled. I guess I just want to challenge the notion that men or women in the same position as we are are inherently weak or needy people.

I've decided to step back from my partner. After being together for nearly 4 years (off and on), and having this yo-yo of affection repeatedly coming back again, I see that my only way to claim any control over the destiny of my emotions is to step back from her. It's a heartbreaking place we're both in. Dreaming of earlier, brighter days and just wishing things could be as they were.

I've heard it said that Buddhism defines "suffering" as our inability to accept the difference between what we want and what actually is. Perhaps we both need to look at what is... accept the truth of it... and move on to the next chapter in our stories.

[TablesandChairs]

I feel your pain, OP. I'm in a pretty similar situation, in fact, just posted about it here. All sorts of mixed messages in my relationship but the bottom line is that we're drifting further apart and she seems to have no will to stop it.

You've gotten some good advice above... but I wanted to step in with an observation. When my relationship is going well, I have no sense of need... no sense of unfulfillment. I feel her presence, her love and her desire - not just physically but to really be together. When that starts to slip away, it does something to a person. How did I become this sad, seeking person, chasing after a woman, looking to any observer like a super needy, emotionally broken guy? I've heard it said that we are only as "needy" as our needs that are going unfulfilled. I guess I just want to challenge the notion that men or women in the same position as we are are inherently weak or needy people.

I've decided to step back from my partner. After being together for nearly 4 years (off and on), and having this yo-yo of affection repeatedly coming back again, I see that my only way to claim any control over the destiny of my emotions is to step back from her. It's a heartbreaking place we're both in. Dreaming of earlier, brighter days and just wishing things could be as they were.

I've heard it said that Buddhism defines "suffering" as our inability to accept the difference between what we want and what actually is. Perhaps we both need to look at what is... accept the truth of it... and move on to the next chapter in our stories.

I think we often use the word 'insecure' or 'needy' in such a way that it places blame on the person feeling those things - like we're deficient in some way. Not strong enough, not independent enough and so forth.

I would argue, however, that it's often not an inherent deficiency - it's a response to how we are being treated or how we allow ourselves to be treated. We know when our partners aren't as invested, as committed or as 'in love' as they should be - it's as clear as day. Rarely can people hide this. It's not something that needs to be said - they don't have to come out and say they don't care enough. It's evident.

But because what we see and feel can be different to what we're being told (for example - she/he says he loves you but there is no evidence of that in terms of how they behave), we trick ourselves into believing what we want to believe. This is counter-productive; keeps you stuck in a shitty situation and will eventually erode your sense of self. Sometimes, it's only when you get into another (better) relationship that you realise there's nothing wrong with you - you're normal, you were just being played with (maybe not on purpose) but it's a game nonetheless.

I would caution against staying in these relationships for too long if they show no serious improvement; it can end up affecting your next relationship.

[BigOldBrownHat]

I have to agree... what your going through is crap. Its up to you on how long you want to tolerate her actions. I think you should just leave... Oh and if you 2 were together while she went on vacation, kissing is cheating. So that vacation kiss is a huge no no in my book. And you know it is too... that's why you can't re gain trust.

It absolutely was cheating, and she openly admitted it right when she told me after she returned. In a way, this is partly why I (1) feel like it's less likely she is cheating now or had cheated before this and (2) I feel like she DOES still want this relationship with me. She appears to be the type of person who cannot keep secrets and would rather just break up than purposefully pursue someone else while in a relationship with me.

Her explanation of what happened wasn't exactly comforting, but the fact that she openly admitted it did, in a way, give me trust in her honesty if nothing else.

truth is, though, my trust was being tested before the kiss every happened. I was already worried she MIGHT be cheating or at least thinking about leaving me because the intimacy dropped off long before she went on the trip. However, given how broken up she was about just kissing someone, I think it's unlikely anything had ever happened before.

So now, the reason for lack of trust is many times over. First, we're just not that intimate anymore at all, save for some kissing and "i love you's", etc. She still says sweet things to be sometimes and obviously cares about me a great deal. I don't think she'd openly do something she KNEW would hurt me. The kiss happened in what I think was a lapse in judgement, not an urge to break free from me specifically. At least, that's what her story suggests. The other thing is, of course, the kiss. So now i'm in a relationship with someone I know is at least capable under some circumstances to cheat (by at least kissing), and we're not very intimate. Those two things combined make for a tough trusting situation.

I feel your pain, OP. I'm in a pretty similar situation, in fact, just posted about it here. All sorts of mixed messages in my relationship but the bottom line is that we're drifting further apart and she seems to have no will to stop it.

You've gotten some good advice above... but I wanted to step in with an observation. When my relationship is going well, I have no sense of need... no sense of unfulfillment. I feel her presence, her love and her desire - not just physically but to really be together. When that starts to slip away, it does something to a person. How did I become this sad, seeking person, chasing after a woman, looking to any observer like a super needy, emotionally broken guy? I've heard it said that we are only as "needy" as our needs that are going unfulfilled. I guess I just want to challenge the notion that men or women in the same position as we are are inherently weak or needy people.

I've decided to step back from my partner. After being together for nearly 4 years (off and on), and having this yo-yo of affection repeatedly coming back again, I see that my only way to claim any control over the destiny of my emotions is to step back from her. It's a heartbreaking place we're both in. Dreaming of earlier, brighter days and just wishing things could be as they were.

I've heard it said that Buddhism defines "suffering" as our inability to accept the difference between what we want and what actually is. Perhaps we both need to look at what is... accept the truth of it... and move on to the next chapter in our stories.

Perhaps you are right, I like that quote

I think one thing I have yet to explore though is being truly honest with myself. I don't know if I really am being totally open and honest... and I truly telling her what I want and often enough? Yes, if she continues to turn me away it will be the end... but perhaps I am just not speaking her language? Or perhaps she is not speaking mine? Part of me thinks it shouldn't be easy and everything is going to be need work at some point. i don't want to always just give up when something gets tough...

I think we often use the word 'insecure' or 'needy' in such a way that it places blame on the person feeling those things - like we're deficient in some way. Not strong enough, not independent enough and so forth.

I would argue, however, that it's often not an inherent deficiency - it's a response to how we are being treated or how we allow ourselves to be treated. We know when our partners aren't as invested, as committed or as 'in love' as they should be - it's as clear as day. Rarely can people hide this. It's not something that needs to be said - they don't have to come out and say they don't care enough. It's evident.

But because what we see and feel can be different to what we're being told (for example - she/he says he loves you but there is no evidence of that in terms of how they behave), we trick ourselves into believing what we want to believe. This is counter-productive; keeps you stuck in a shitty situation and will eventually erode your sense of self. Sometimes, it's only when you get into another (better) relationship that you realise there's nothing wrong with you - you're normal, you were just being played with (maybe not on purpose) but it's a game nonetheless.

I would caution against staying in these relationships for too long if they show no serious improvement; it can end up affecting your next relationship.

I would agree, and sometimes the person who makes you feel needy probably doesn't realize it is happening. My GF probably isn't TRYING to make me feel insecure, it's just her natural response to the way I am.

I think, in a perfect scenario (if there is such a thing), it's a little tugging back and forth. You have your own lives outside eachother, enough space to make things interesting and not getting old, with some resistance and mystery but with a trust for eachother. If one person wants more, they recognize it and give space before they start to feel desperate (like me). This makes the other person want to come back and earn their attention, that is until they start to feel the same resistance. it's not a planned or strictly plotted act, it's just the nature of maintaining a similar interest level.

Intimacy in a r/ship is a two way street; I hear a lot of 'take charge!', do this, do that.

But you do initiate. You ensure she knows you think she's attractive. You try to get close and she pushes away, despite stating it's what she wants. Having sex once every 2 months is not okay unless you're both 60 years old.

Stop skirting around the issue; it's not okay and something needs to change. If she doesn't want to make effort of that nature, then perhaps she needs to change teams because not a lot of guys would be cool with the regimen she has you on,

Agreed the frequency is not something i can live with going forward into the future, and I doubt she could either.

Again, try to boost her libido. She told you she isn't 'feeling' sexy and believes she has gained weight; and though we know full figured ladies are absolutely gorgeous, if she has put on some weight, she could be feeling that whole BS tension put out by fashion magazines to lose it. F.That. Yet she's feeling it anyway. This implies insecurity of sorts and though you two are attracted to one another, for some reason you both seem to be over thinking something that usually happens instinctively and naturally.
Yet if the Libido drive is high, I assure you, 'thinking' will be the last thing happening when that moment strikes right.
Ginseng. Get some. It is not expensive.
good luck

She's not really "full-figured" she's just got a little softness on her stomach, etc. She isn't FAT by any means at all, and she's totally gorgeous (got the smokey, dark half-persian coloring).

She also always thought I was too skinny, so i think perhaps that combined with her slight weight gain makes her feel insecure, too.

[woody]

OH, I'm sorry. When I say full figured I don't mean fat either.

[BigOldBrownHat]

OH, I'm sorry. When I say full figured I don't mean fat either.

hehehe, I figured as much, just wanted to clarify

I think she also is self-conscious because she doesn't think she fits into her old clothes well. She's also super short so I guess to her anything on her frame shows very easily. But again, it's not like she looks BIG... she's like 5' 2".

I do think the fact that i'm on the thinner side (compared to her) probably makes her also more self-conscious. I know for a fact she would prefer me 10-15lb heavier, even if it were just fat. hehehe.

[woody]

Just dote kisses and genuine compliments on her, telling her she is the most beautiful woman and your the luckiest guy around for having a chance to be with her and not a day goes by you don't thank your lucky stars to have met her...
oh yes, make dinner and do the dishes once and awhile (always helps)

[BigOldBrownHat]

Just dote kisses and genuine compliments on her, telling her she is the most beautiful woman and your the luckiest guy around for having a chance to be with her and not a day goes by you don't thank your lucky stars to have met her...
oh yes, make dinner and do the dishes once and awhile (always helps)

Compliments that are genuine, sure, but honestly she doesn't care much for comments about 'beauty' (apparently it flatters her, but she doesn't care as much about physical appearance... ironic considering she obviously cares about her weight!).

And believe me, making dinner and doing dishes are childplay compared to the things I do for her:

- Bought her a puppy in January, and now I spend every lunch break checking on him and letting him out
- I do her dishes about 3 times a week as she hates doing them, specifically
- I tale her out to dinner, sometimes fancy places sometimes low-key, intimate ones
- I plan trips for us
- I tell her how unique and special she is
- I give her long back massages pretty much every night we spend together (she's got bad shoulders)
- I give her foot and hand rubs, too
- I pick out special movies for us to watch
- When she talks, I try to LISTEN and not just 'solve' her problems... i've gotten much better at this from being with her
- I offer to talk about everything and anything: work, family, stress, spirituality, etc..

Honestly, the only thing I DONT do right now is try hard to be physical with her because I fear rejection.

[Leialoha1975]

Compliments that are genuine, sure, but honestly she doesn't care much for comments about 'beauty' (apparently it flatters her, but she doesn't care as much about physical appearance... ironic considering she obviously cares about her weight!).

And believe me, making dinner and doing dishes are childplay compared to the things I do for her:

- Bought her a puppy in January, and now I spend every lunch break checking on him and letting him out
- I do her dishes about 3 times a week as she hates doing them, specifically
- I tale her out to dinner, sometimes fancy places sometimes low-key, intimate ones
- I plan trips for us
- I tell her how unique and special she is
- I give her long back massages pretty much every night we spend together (she's got bad shoulders)
- I give her foot and hand rubs, too
- I pick out special movies for us to watch
- When she talks, I try to LISTEN and not just 'solve' her problems... i've gotten much better at this from being with her
- I offer to talk about everything and anything: work, family, stress, spirituality, etc..

Honestly, the only thing I DONT do right now is try hard to be physical with her because I fear rejection.

With all the things that you do for her, I think you and my fiancé are best buddies. I say this all the time... "You want to do things, to make someone want to be with you" I do things that make me unique to my man that makes him want me. and he truly loves me.
I just hope you both can work together and work things out. YOU should not be doing all the work of trying to make it work. You fearing rejection is not a part of being in a loving, healthy relationship.

[BigOldBrownHat]

With all the things that you do for her, I think you and my fiancé are best buddies. I say this all the time... "You want to do things, to make someone want to be with you" I do things that make me unique to my man that makes him want me. and he truly loves me.
I just hope you both can work together and work things out. YOU should not be doing all the work of trying to make it work. You fearing rejection is not a part of being in a loving, healthy relationship.

What should my next move be, in your opinion? I'm just not sure if it's just my insecurity or if she really does want less physical contact. Furthermore, the way she talks about 'us' sometimes suggests that she doesn't see much potential in the relationship, but then another week or day she'll say things that are very encouraging. Not going to lie it's a lot of 'mixed signals', etc ,and it makes it hard to figure out what to do.

For example, in the past, she's said stuff like, "I'm sure your next girlfriend will...[insert hypothetical scenario here]", implying that we will NOT end up together. But then on another day, she'll say things like, "If I didn't see the potential for us to end up together I wouldn't even bother". It's so random to me, especially coming from a female.

For my part, i'm only with her now because I see the potential for getting married someday, having kids, whatever. Of course, I'm not saying it's GOING TO happen, but it I didn't think it felt a real possibility I would just break up with her. In case it wasn't clear from my previous posts, I just don't know where I stand, and it's awkward and uncomfortable, seeping through from many directions.

I see my only options as: 1) try to act in a way that just gets her attention back or 2) flatout have a heart-to-heart with her and delve into all these feelings I've been having. The problem with option [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] is that I'm not really being totally honest, because I do have issues I WANT to bring up to her, and it'd just be keeping them in. The problem with [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2]#2[/URL] is that i'm bad with those kinds of talks, I tend to babble on, and I need to get a gameplan together ahead of time. I'm also bad at gathering the nerve to even bring it up.

If we're going option [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2]#2[/URL] , I'd need to somehow address, in a non-abrasive way:

- What her actual outlook is for our future, if any, given the 'mixed signals' I mentioned.
- What can we do about our intimacy issues, given that it can't ALWAYS be coming from my direction

[Leialoha1975]

Listen man... YOU should not be trying to figure out your relations with this woman. You have too many questions and you question her love and intimacy. Do you really want to have this relationship where YOU have to be wondering what to do? and YOU having to make efforts for sex? I mean really? Why bother when she keeps making comments about "Your next girlfriend"?
Have your heart to heart... and tell her how you feel. That way you've made the attempt to make her think about what she wants. This can't be a conversation that happens all the time though.. Remember that. I am a firm believer in doing what you have to do that makes you happy. If she is what makes you happy, then make it work. But it takes 2 people... not one.
If you don't have this conversation.. or your babbling session, your stuck in this relationship that will bring you no happiness. My fiancé is the same way.. I was just like you, never being able to bring up my issues, and he taught me to open up and talk because HE wants to hear what I have to SAY and we worked through our concerns and have a happier relationship.

IF it can't work and you've had that talk... then you've done what you can do. And if things DONT change...Prepare yourself for some heavy heart healing my friend.

[TablesandChairs]

You're next move should be to stop tolerating and demand some changes. If she's not willing to step up, then you know where you stand. Problem is, you're scared of losing her so my guess is you'll continue making the effort and tolerating crap until you eventually reach your limit.

She hasn't given you a reason, she hasn't said 'Okay I'm going to work on this' and actually do it, she dismisses you like you're an annoying pet...she makes you feel like wanting to have sex with your own partner is the worst thing in the world...because she's not 100% happy with her body? Welcome to the world of women - none of us are 100% happy with our bodies, even super models complain. No reason to turn your partner into a monk.

Are you sure she loves you? Because it doesn't sound like it - sounds like she cares, sounds like she enjoys having your around, sounds liek she knows you're a good guy given all you do for her...but her level of passion is 2 degrees from dead.

Every partner has qualities - all my ex's have had their good points. That doesn't mean anything if the negatives make you feel miserable on an ongoing basis.

If you have a tendency to babble - write it all down beforehand. Make sure you express yourself clearly. Don't give her the opportunity to dismiss how you feel - you're not a puppet.

At some point, we all have to grow some balls if we don't want to be taken for a ride.