Diffcult situation with my exboyfriend

[crossandbone]

Hi all,

Posted this in the love advice column but no one seemed to answer =( Noticed this section gets alot of attention so hoping to get some responses.

Been lurking on this website for a few months before actually creating an account. Tried some tips that were suggested to other users but finally decided to create an account and get advice directly towards the situation I am in.

I've known my exboyfriend since birth. My mother and his mother are childhood friends and we were always together since I could remember. We started dating my freshman year of high school and were together for 5 years. He ended things when he went to college (he's a year older than me), but due to the fact our families are so close and that we're in a small town where basically everyone knows everybody and we have the same circle of friends it was hard to cut off that connection with him for me to fully heal from the breakup. He on the other hand had a new gf within 5 months of us breaking up and I actually had to endure listening to him boast about how wonderful she was and had to watch the guy I love be in love with someone else. Most painful year of my entire life.

It took me a really good while to get over him but I am finally able to look at him and not feel like my heart is aching. I do still love him but I'm not in love with him any longer. I've come to terms with the fact that we are over 100% and have even been dating again. That's where I need the advice. See my ex is making it really difficult to maintain a relationship. He's always been really protective of me and it's been sabotaging alot of my potential relationships. I've asked him repeatedly to tone it down some and he says he will but then the second a guy approaches me, or he sees that things are going really well, he's grilling the guy like he's my dad or something. Asking them what they're intentions are, how special I am and if they hurt me they're going to wish they hadn't blahblahblah. He'll even bring up the fact that we were together for 5 years, talk about details of our relationship with these guys, makes it sound like it was the best relationship I've ever had so they have "big shoes" to fill and will eventually annoy them to the point they don't want anything to do with me or scare them off with his protectiveness.

I don't necessarily want to cut all ties from him, due to the fact that I have known him my whole life and we are really close and I just feel like it would cause a lot of our family gatherings to be awkward but his attitude is just causing alot of stress in my life and in any sort of love life I try to have. I really don't know what to do. Can anyone give me some advice on how to deal? I would greatly appreciate it.


Thank you.

[lost_man]

You have to be stronger with him. Don't ASK him to tone it down, TELL him to STOP. There is a world of difference between the two. Tell him that you understand he thinks he is being chivalrous but the effect is that he is sabotaging any chance you have of moving on and being happy.

Be categorical with him, not wishy washy. He needs to feel that you are pissed off and won't stand for it anymore.

Also, keep an eye on yourself. You may be telling him to stop on the one hand, while without even knowing it quite liking the attention and protectiveness. He'll pick up on that unconsciously so be clear in what you say and do.

[nico88]

That protective nature I think is normal when you've grown up together, but I agree with lost _ man and be more firm with him. If push comes to shove you could always give him an ultimatum and say if he doesn't stop you're not gunna be able to be apart of each other's lives anymore.

If he values his relationship with you as much as you value yours with him, he should back off. Or at least I would if I was in his shoes..

[woody]

Dear Cross,

So you've got an ex turned into Big Bro mode. Yes he does sound very protective of you and while that's sweet, yes, it's sabotaging potential connections. Like Lost and Nico are saying, a firm talk would be in order.
Could be he's not as over you as one might think hence the uber protective tones.

On the other hand, having an ex/big bro is a great screening device to weed out possible jerks; but from what your saying, your meeting nice people and the ex is attempting to scare them away. pity.. Personally, if I met someone and they had an ex turned big bro/sis, but I really liked the person, It would only make me MORE determined to woo you.

Talk to him, tell him he's taking this too far; this is your life, your lessons to learn, mistakes to make, your heart.
Perhaps because you are practically over him by now, he's sensing this and flailing a little because he's worried about losing your affections to another worthy man. Still, doesn't make it easier on you does it. Nope.
Like the others said, be firm with him, give him the just hand and tell him he needs to step back or he'll risk burning that bridge.

Good luck and remember, the right match won't allow anything or anyone to deter him from wooing you.

[crossandbone]

Thank you all so much for the replies. I am seeing him over the weekend so I plan on telling him face to face. Hopefully he will really hear what I say and give me the space and respect I need.

[Wakeup]

Give an update as to what he responds with when you exercise your personal boundaries and stop enabling him to be this "protector" he has no business being.

I think it should be interesting.