Why don't I fancy anyone anymore?

[needadvicepleas]

So...
Eight years ago I was in a relationship with someone I fancied. After that relationship, I went out to do my normal thing...find someone else I fancied. I didn't. After two years I 'settled' for a relationship with someone (for four years...) who I didn't fancy. I had somehow managed to convince myself that I just didn't fancy anyone and my standards were too high so I would have to settle.

Three years into that relationship, I caught sight of someone I fancied and my mind started to turn. Apparently there are people I fancy in the world...This particular person lived 300 miles away so there was no point chasing him, but it did change my mindset. Eventually, I left my partner.

Around six months after leaving my partner, having not fancied anyone, I go into casual sex for a bit. I meet someone off an online dating site who frankly seemed...too keen...but I was just looking for casual sex so who cares? I meet him...put barely any effort in, still wearing my lanyards from work...and woooah...first person I've actually met and fancy for eight years.

I do the wrong thing and tell him about the casual sex thing. It makes it weird. But he fancies me and ends up asking me out again with certain 'conditions' attached. The conditions freak me out, I make it exclusive, then I go nuclear within 10 days and he very reasonably calls it off. I looked desperate. I now realise I was. Because he was literally the first person I'd been with (and I mean been with) that I had any sexual interest in for eight years. I suddenly had something to lose.

Going into the four-year 'settling for less' relationship was obviously a poor move - fair enough. But I'm now hung up on this 'one guy I fancied in eight years' that I totally screwed it up with (I was in a bad place anyway, I wouldn't normally freak out, but I wouldn't normally contact strangers on the internet for casual sex...I was in a bad place to be dating full stop...)

But to protect myself I need to show myself that I do fancy people...I just don't know how...has anyone ever been in this position? I'm on three online dating sites. I don't fancy anyone. They're not good looking enough, frankly (I'm not so bad myself, by the way, I'm not playing 'out of my league' here or anything). The one I dated was one of only two I found attractive and the other one was not as hot in real life so that was only one date.

The guy eight years ago was someone I picked up from a bar. I wouldn't mind doing that again but my friends are more settled these days so I'm struggling for people to go out with and I want to mix the bars up so I don't keep seeing the same people.

Any ideas on where to spot people? There has got to be people I fancy out there...

[Lilia]

How do you define "fancy"? Is it physical attraction only or it goes beyond that?

[needadvicepleas]

How do you define "fancy"? Is it physical attraction only or it goes beyond that?

I'd say it goes beyond that...but I haven't met anyone I find physically attractive in the last eight years except these two guys. I think I need both: physical attraction and personality attraction. I don't like it because it makes it seem like I don't have many options and then in this recent instance I got way too attached way too quickly and then I ended up frighteningly emotional about the whole thing, scaring him off, then feeling crushed - but like, melodramatically crushed.

I haven't acted like that before, but it's occurred to me now that the reason it all seemed so 'important' was because I just don't meet people. It's not like I don't go out a lot; I'm out all the time. And it's not that people don't fancy me - there's always a few - but I just don't fancy them.

BTW, I've decided that it wasn't totally my fault I went nuclear anyway. He did ignore a question I sent him for four days, finally answering it (it was about what we were going to do on a date) really late at night the night before (in a really vague 'yeah, whatever' way), which made me feel really vulnerable. It's not just 'me being crazy and desperate' he also made absolutely no attempt to make me feel comfortable.

[Lilia]

Ok I understand how you feel completely.
I am on the same page right now.
It might be because you still have some feelings for your ex and you suppress those feelings, also you say that you still fancy him.
And I understand that when you meet someone you are strongly attracted too, you don't want to let them go. But the fastest way to lose a guy is to chase him or to seem desperate. You already know this. Dating is a game. There are certain rules to make it work. If you stay by those rules and do not show a guy you fancy how already attached/desperate you are, there are more chances that it will work out and become a relationship.
I went exactly through the same thing. Just like you, after long time of searching and rejecting dozens of guys , I met a guy I really liked and poured all my love on him unconditionally. Just cos he had those green eyes I could lose myself into and that amazing smile while being so intelligent and friendly at the same time. Of course he didn't stay with me for long.
I'm too quite picky about looks. To the point that if you give me 5 conventionally hot guys I still might not like any of them.
But why does it happen?
I think it is not cos we are so picky about looks, the real reason is buried deeper. May be we are not ready to open up, may be we are not emotionally available or afraid to be hurt by guys. Then we meet someone who has something about his looks and personality that resonates in us in a way that we think that we can trust that person. We open up and get ridiculously attached quickly. Cos we are hungry for love after all these years of being single and not satisfied.
The only advise I can give is keep going out, meet new guys. I guarantee you, you will meet the one you will fancy. Cos it's inevitable, there are 4 billion guys on the planet. Just be prepared to have a strategy, so you don't smother him with love on the first night. =)

[needadvicepleas]

Ok I understand how you feel completely.
I am on the same page right now.
It might be because you still have some feelings for your ex and you suppress those feelings, also you say that you still fancy him.
And I understand that when you meet someone you are strongly attracted too, you don't want to let them go. But the fastest way to lose a guy is to chase him or to seem desperate. You already know this. Dating is a game. There are certain rules to make it work. If you stay by those rules and do not show a guy you fancy how already attached/desperate you are, there are more chances that it will work out and become a relationship.
I went exactly through the same thing. Just like you, after long time of searching and rejecting dozens of guys , I met a guy I really liked and poured all my love on him unconditionally. Just cos he had those green eyes I could lose myself into and that amazing smile while being so intelligent and friendly at the same time. Of course he didn't stay with me for long.
I'm too quite picky about looks. To the point that if you give me 5 conventionally hot guys I still might not like any of them.
But why does it happen?
I think it is not cos we are so picky about looks, the real reason is buried deeper. May be we are not ready to open up, may be we are not emotionally available or afraid to be hurt by guys. Then we meet someone who has something about his looks and personality that resonates in us in a way that we think that we can trust that person. We open up and get ridiculously attached quickly. Cos we are hungry for love after all these years of being single and not satisfied.
The only advise I can give is keep going out, meet new guys. I guarantee you, you will meet the one you will fancy. Cos it's inevitable, there are 4 billion guys on the planet. Just be prepared to have a strategy, so you don't smother him with love on the first night. =)

Ah...it was a bit more complicated...stressful right from the start because of the casual sex thing. He did the whole 'I really like you' thing first, which made me feel safe. But I didn't smother him or anything. I got very anxious, though. When he didn't reply to my text for four days and it got to bedtime (for me) the day before the date I thought it was off and I was upset. Then he finally responded but by that time I'd stopped trusting him. If he 'really liked' me why had he ignored me for so long? I started to think he might be 'gaming' (i.e. deliberately leaving it a long time to put me in a vulnerable position). Then I was really tense on the date and ****ed it up a bit but when I felt less stressed I realised that he had actually really liked me and must just be laid back (or never received the text I'd sent...), but now I'd given him all kinds of signals that I wasn't keen on him! So that's what made me anxious. Five days after the third date I ended up making a needy phonecall (an..."I'm not sure where I stand, do you want to see me again?") phonecall. And then we just ended up blowing up at each other over the course of a couple of days. What appeared to happen was "we both really liked each other and we were complete dicks at each other for no reason at all".

But no, I don't tend to 'smother'. I prefer to just have certainty. So, I like to know when I'm seeing them again, I like to know where I'm going and what time etc. That's basically all of my needs. He didn't meet them, by the way. Maybe I'm being a bit too harsh on myself...that's not particularly needy is it?

But I did get overly emotional and that was embarrassing. I don't believe in dating having rules, by the way. That makes it stressful and it's supposed to be fun. If you're the kind of person that needs to text everyday, then I guess that's an issue for a therapist to sort out rather than a date, but generally just showing interest and receiving interest back is normal and fun. I think the whole 'you can't ask this person out unless...' or 'you shouldn't seem to keen' stuff just takes the fun out of dating. It's not a game. (That's what I ended up accusing him of, by the way...gaming me...I hate that stuff.)

I'm not sure if I'm still in love with my ex. You mean the guy from eight years ago? I don't think so. I just find it difficult to imagine meeting someone nowadays. I was stunned when I did, to be honest. I've looked through tons of online dating sites, but alas they are not good looking. I keep my eye out when I'm out as well, and sometimes I think I find someone attractive for a moment...then I get up closer and they're still not good looking enough. I do see some people when I'm cycling that I find attractive (other cyclists), but it's not really possible to chat them up when you're travelling!

[Lilia]

Ok I see that dating is not a game to you. But for most guys dating certainly is a game. Even if they don't admit it, it's a game for them, a chase, a challenge and a competition for a prize. Not just 2 people getting to know each other and seeing what they have in common while having fun and getting intimate.
How long have you been seeing that fancy guy? Only 3 dates?
It is good to have standards(it's essential) but if it started as a casual sex thing, and then you suddenly tell him off that he isn't doing what you expect him to be doing in a relationship (or just in general), wouldn't it shock any guy? He doesn't even see it as a relationship yet, he's probably just trying the waters and tests your reactions. (he might be doing it subconsciously or consciously as well).

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BTW why can't a game be fun too? It doesn't have to be stressful.

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It's totally up to you but this is what I would do:
Tease him, flirt with him, make it fun, always give him less than he asks for, make him dream about you when he goes to bed and test him. and DO NOT ALWAYS BE AVAILABLE TO HIM. Do not confront him if he's moving too slow unless he cancels the date when you are leaving home, or always changes plans. All plans should be made 1 day in advance. If you keep it simple like this, he will be the first one who tries to move things faster cos he;ll see you as a woman of high value and think that he's challenged to win you.
Give it some time and then if it's not going anywhere put him in the last position on a list of your priorities and keep seeing new people. Sometimes it works and a guy changes. but if he doesn't, he is not worth you.

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I've been on dating sites and I know that feeling, when you are not attracted to anyone there. But even if you find an attractive person there, you can't even tell if there'd be chemistry between you and him in real life. So you can't be truly attracted to ANYONE on a dating site. You only meet a person to see if there's chemistry. I believe that if you met some of those guys who you never replied to, there might be a spark and attraction. But you can never tell which ones, cos you can;t see how a person smiles, talks, moves unless you see them in person. ANd this is a huge disadvantage of on-line dating. I;d try skyping with a guy before you go on a date with him to see if there's any potential.

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It's good that you find some cyclists hot.=) You can try to make a small talk with a guy you like, like asking where he bought his bike, what brand it is, ets. Or just stop and pretend like something in your bike broke and you are trying to figure what it was exactly. I bet lot's of men will fly like bees on honey when they see it.

[needadvicepleas]

Ok I see that dating is not a game to you. But for most guys dating certainly is a game. Even if they don't admit it, it's a game for them, a chase, a challenge and a competition for a prize. Not just 2 people getting to know each other and seeing what they have in common while having fun and getting intimate.
How long have you been seeing that fancy guy? Only 3 dates?
It is good to have standards(it's essential) but if it started as a casual sex thing, and then you suddenly tell him off that he isn't doing what you expect him to be doing in a relationship (or just in general), wouldn't it shock any guy? He doesn't even see it as a relationship yet, he's probably just trying the waters and tests your reactions. (he might be doing it subconsciously or consciously as well).

- - - Updated - - -

BTW why can't a game be fun too? It doesn't have to be stressful.

- - - Updated - - -
It's totally up to you but this is what I would do:
Tease him, flirt with him, make it fun, always give him less than he asks for, make him dream about you when he goes to bed and test him. and DO NOT ALWAYS BE AVAILABLE TO HIM. Do not confront him if he's moving too slow unless he cancels the date when you are leaving home, or always changes plans. All plans should be made 1 day in advance. If you keep it simple like this, he will be the first one who tries to move things faster cos he;ll see you as a woman of high value and think that he's challenged to win you.
Give it some time and then if it's not going anywhere put him in the last position on a list of your priorities and keep seeing new people. Sometimes it works and a guy changes. but if he doesn't, he is not worth you.

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I've been on dating sites and I know that feeling, when you are not attracted to anyone there. But even if you find an attractive person there, you can't even tell if there'd be chemistry between you and him in real life. So you can't be truly attracted to ANYONE on a dating site. You only meet a person to see if there's chemistry. I believe that if you met some of those guys who you never replied to, there might be a spark and attraction. But you can never tell which ones, cos you can;t see how a person smiles, talks, moves unless you see them in person. ANd this is a huge disadvantage of on-line dating. I;d try skyping with a guy before you go on a date with him to see if there's any potential.

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It's good that you find some cyclists hot.=) You can try to make a small talk with a guy you like, like asking where he bought his bike, what brand it is, ets. Or just stop and pretend like something in your bike broke and you are trying to figure what it was exactly. I bet lot's of men will fly like bees on honey when they see it.

Cool, thanks for your advice. I'm actually feeling better now. I was having a nervous breakdown when I was seeing that guy, that's not the way I normally behave. Basically, I've lost contact with all my family this year (for good reason...). Hence: nervous breakdown, weird behaviour, feeling of needing to be in a relationship. Normal operating procedures have now resumed and all of this seems silly now

Tbh, although I know what you're saying, I would never date anyone who saw it as a game. If I got the slightest incline of that I would be out of the door. The kind of man who 'needs' the chase etc has certain psychological issues (low self-esteem generally...need to 'prove' to themselves they can get the girl...) I'm not up for. Someone with high self esteem would walk away if they thought the girl wasn't interested, because they'd respect themselves. Men and women should not act differently to each other during dating. If they feel they have to, there's issues afoot.

I've also thought about what you said about being emotionally unavailable and I think I am, really. You don't care about this stuff if you're happy; the reason I cared is because I was so unhappy. So I'm just changing my life instead. I'm starting to realise that I feel bad a lot of the time because I want to change my life and wanted someone in it to help me with that, but I'm perfectly capable of changing my life on my own. I've had two leads today for a new job (meeting new people), and I've joined a couple of clubs that my friends are in, I've taken time off work to deal with my emotions over my family and etc etc etc My main aim right now is to be living the life I actually want to be living by this time next year. I don't want to go near men until I'm happy with my life, because then you've got all the awkward "pretend to be happy" stuff and the hope they won't find out you're miserable, haha! So dating is on the back burner until I've made a lot of changes.

I've had another think about online dating as well and realised I kind of don't really want to do that. I'll keep up my profile just in case anyone interesting gets in touch, but I don't want to go "looking" if you see what I mean. There's something weird and artificial about it all. I think I'd really rather just meet someone in my day to day life - which will happen organically eventually. I think this is all more about recognising exactly what I want (no casual sex, because I didn't like that after all, that was part of my 'out of character' behaviour during my breakdown) and living by that. The only reason I was breaking all my own 'rules' if you like, and ignoring myself, was because I was in such a bad place. I wasn't really respecting my own feelings and I was trying to be someone else. The way I've always felt comfortable in the past (never felt uncomfortable while dating before, which shows how unhappy I was!) is to meet someone organically and flirt with them in my own way (a bit different from other girls, I think, but I'd be uncomfortable with anything different). At some point that will happen, but until then I don't need it.

Thanks for your advice, though

[Lilia]

Good to hear that you are getting your life together, I think your last post can be good advice for many others who are in a similar situation.