Is he arrogant, am I hypersensitive, or both?

[chemistrix]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months now. We are both doctoral students in the sciences at the same university.

I have been having doubts for a while now about whether to continue in the relationship. There have been a lot of little issues, but I guess that I have been putting up with my doubts for a while because I am not quite sure how things are supposed to work in a long-term relationship and what is normal and what isn't. One of the issues that I have been having is that my boyfriend has a tendency to say things that come off as insensitive, and as time goes on, it gets a little harder to overlook. However, I am wondering if I am just being hypersensitive. Some examples of the things that he says that have bothered me:

When we were talking recently, he brought up one of his friends, who is pursuing a Ph.D. in clarinet performance. Apparently one of them had made a Facebook status about the difficulties of finding a job to support themselves during an unfunded Ph.D. program. He then looked at his friend's pursuit of the Ph.D. as a "poor decision," saying that he doesn't know why somebody would ever bother with an unfunded Ph.D. While honestly, if I were in his friend's position, I would never pursue an unfunded Ph.D., I played devil's advocate a bit, saying that she might just really love music so much that she doesn't mind going into debt or working very long weeks in a side job to support herself, and that maybe her husband can help her anyway. He then started on about it is "immoral" that people go into Ph.D.'s that they will never pay back, and we argued a bit because I didn't appreciate the assumption that his friend will never pay off her loans. I then said that, in my life, when one of my friends makes a decision that I don't really approve of, I just let it go and support them (unless it's something that's physically harmful or criminal or something). He then responded that he generally calls them on it by saying to them, "I really disagree with your decision, but it won't affect our friendship." Everyone has their private opinions about everything, but if a friend of mine ever said that to me, I would find it condescending.

In another case, referring to a group of people he met during his vacation this past weekend, he said that he met a group of "failures," apparently because they work at Quizno's all day and smoke weed in their spare time. He used this word previously to refer to another friend of his who is in a rut, partly because he is gay but very religious and very closeted.

Finally, when talking about his best friend's parents, he was telling me about how they met, and he said that they both are artists with advanced degrees in art, "whatever that means." He has previously said in so many words that only graduate degrees in things like the sciences are worthwhile (he's studying chemistry, and I'm studying chemical engineering). I called him on this one too, and he said that he really loves them, and that they themselves say that they don't really use their degrees or that they weren't necessary, but...I don't know, it didn't sit right with me.

I know that I am occasionally hypersensitive to things, but I am trying to see through this. Do any of you think that these sorts of statements are arrogant, or am I just being hypercritical? I would appreciate your honest opinions, if you would like to respond. Thanks very much.

[Askalovegoddess]

He possibly may be a narcissist, which arrogance is one of the traits. Or he could be under tremendous pressure as a doctor student and being critical is his way of getting out his frustration. I guess the question you need to ask yourself is, could you spend eternity with a person who is arrogant? And what if he is a narcissist, other traits may eventually surface that you find troublesome in a mate. From your post, it sounds like you've tried to talk to him about it but he blows you off and is not sensitive to your feelings about his behavior. You also say you have been having doubts about the relationship which may be your intuition nudging you to pay attention. Lastly, as I always share, people will reveal themselves early in a relationship but sometimes we can't see it because we are enamored. Trust your gut and do what's best for you. Being in a doctoral program is stressful enough (I'm currently in one, too) so consider if you need the annoyance while you focus on your studies.