I'm sneaking behind my boyfriend's back to see his friend. Desperately need advice?

[Guitargirl21]

I know my post is long, but please help me, and please don't judge me before reading it

-My boyfriend and I have always had struggles, since when we first got together a year ago. But he was my first "real" boyfriend.
-He broke up with me a couple months ago, but we got back together almost right away. The break up was too painful
-We both deeply care about each other and try hard for each other. But I don't feel in love with him. I don't feel that connection.
-He introduced me to his long-time friend he hasn't seen in ages a little more than a month ago. We hit it off really quickly. His friend lives so close to me too (only a 3 min walk) which is pretty coincidental considering this is a huge city
-He actually encouraged his friend and myself to "get to know one another" when we were all drinking the first night we met. I was puzzled by this and unhappy about it. It felt like he was trying to pawn me off to his friend, but I toyed with the idea.
-His friend texted him the next day and said he was "interested in me" and said some really sweet things about me. My boyfriend said he had "made a mistake" and that he would help his friend find a different girl
-After my boyfriend told me what his friend had said, it made me see him a little differently. I started liking him the more time we spent together (the 3 of us)
-I took his number off my boyfriend's phone behind his back. I just wanted to text him and get to know him more
-One thing led to another and we hung out a few times
-The last time we hung out we playfully wrestled, breaking the physical barrier between us. Yes, he brought up my boyfriend after and how he wouldn't be too happy about it. But we didn't linger on the topic
-I've been growing distant to my boyfriend now. He is always working anyway, he doesn't have much time for me, Sam* (that's what I'll call his friend) just seems to be there for me. I keep thinking about Sam, about how much I like him and fantasizing about kissing him. I am also thinking about how this could be the "out" to finally let me be free of my boyfriend. But at the same time i'm absolutely dreading having to breakup with him. I thought if I just distanced myself he would do the same and it could end gradually, however...
-My boyfriend called me tonight and expressed his concerns about how I'm growing distant from him. He asked me if I'm seeing anyone else (I said no) and if I want to leave him (I beat around the bush but he sounded like he was getting upset and trying to hang onto me and ultimately I couldn't do it---I failed miserably)
-We talked about this before, but in this phone call he also brought up living together in a couple months, asked me if I still wanted to do it, and how it would make everything so much easier for us, solve our problems, make us happy...he would live close to me and we'd never have to worry about being too busy to see each other...I sort of half-heartedly agreed...
-He also set up a date for us tomorrow night, which I was too much of a pushover to refuse.

I know I sound like a wimp. And pathetic for going behind his back with his friend. But I genuinely haven't felt this way about a guy like I do with his friend. And I have known a lot of guys. It's also like a breath of fresh air and feels like an escape from my boyfriend. It sounds like a rebound, but I can honestly see myself with him for awhile. However, if it doesn't end up happening that way, I can still rejoice in being single and having found a way out of an unfulfilling relationship. His friend doesn't seem to mind going behind his back like this either, which may make him sound like a bad person, but I genuinely believe him to be good. He hasn't been with a girl in 2 years since he was badly hurt, but he's surprisingly social and easy to talk to for a massive introvert. I am also social but an introvert, I feel like we are such a good match...but my boyfriend is still in the picture. And not only that, it's his friend. And he doesn't want me seeing him. If he ever found out, I don't know how he would take the news. I am fearful of it. Then there's also the added problem that I can't bring myself to let go of my boyfriend. He is wrong for me, I want to move on, but I can't be happy when he is upset and missing me. It will hurt me as much as it hurts him...

This is kind of irrelevant, but I am 21, still in college. Both guys are 24, working full-time

So clearly I don't know what to do, I don't expect anyone else could make such a decision for me, but any advice, comments, etc. would be appreciated. If anyone else lets me see this mess more clearly and from another perspective I'd be happy... and thank you so much in advance.

[HeartWeaver]

You need to let one of them go no matter what. This doesn't seem to be an open relationship as you're not open about it to your boyfriend.

So a few things to consider:
1. Is this relationship worth saving?
2. Whom are you going to regret more when you let them go?
3. Do you still feel anything for your boyfriend?
4. Whom do you feel stronger for, your friend or boyfriend?

Never do something that you will regret behind anyone's back. Both of you will be hurt.

[lost_man]

This is an emotional maturity thing.

You need to stop avoiding the difficult emotions of ending a relationship that isn't working, and face them head on. Yes, the break up will hurt a lot and be messy. Such is life. All you can do is approach it in a respectful and kind but resolute way. In time you will heal.

Who do you want to be in 5 years, somebody who is so afraid of conflict that they stick in a relationship they hate and cheat on their boyfriend, or someone who values her own happiness as well as those of others with equal respect and importance?

[michelle23]

If you are unhappy in a relationship and want a way out-you just end it. Lining up a plan B first and using him as an escape is very selfish, emotionally immature and it just screams insecurity and a massive fear of being alone.

You need to end one relationship before starting another and if you don't want it to be a rebound-you need to spend some time alone first and be thinking clearly before starting something new.

You said yourself this guy is just an escape from your bf. You are interested in him for all the wrong reasons and the chances of it actually working out are about 1%.

Look up emotional affairs and stop all of this now. Get rid of both guys and learn to be happy alone. Right now you are lacking the emotional maturity to be in an adult relationship and you need to grow up a bit first and learn some morals before you can really learn what it means to be committed, loyal and honest.

I think how a relationship ends says a lot about the persons character and what they are truly like. End this with integrity and have enough respect for your bf not to make this any harder for him than it needs to be.

[TablesandChairs]

You've been given good advice - there is no easy way out. You say it and it's done - he will be upset. That's life.

But I find it strange this other guy was messaging your boyfriend about how interested in you he was...

[TheEvilJester]

Everybody has offered some good advice, so I don't feel the need to add much. Let me start by saying this.... From what you have told us, I honestly feel that you do not mean to hurt anyone. I believe that your heart truly is in the right place on this. But, the thing is the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

You are trying to pull a move some call "the fade away."

(By the way, for more on that, and a bit of a chuckle, check out this video: [url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fr8HKRTavM0[/url])

The thing that you may not realize is that the fade away is so much more hurtful than just being honest with somebody and breaking it off.

It is Hell torturing yourself going back and forth wondering if everything is still okay, thinking they are fine one minute, thinking things are over the next minute, not having any clear answer. True, ending things will hurt, but at least then you can move on. The fade away is NOT a nicer way to break up with somebody. Eventually, there still has to be some kind of break up, and the hurt still comes. In fact, rather than making it hurt less, it just drags the hurt on for longer.

So, you need to seriously think and decide if you really do not want to be with your boyfriend. Even if that is what you ultimately decide, though, you should not rush right into a relationship with his friend. If it is meant to be, it will be. You need time, first, to heal from your existing relationship, and also to make sure you learn from it so you don't just wind up repeating the same mistakes in the future. Good luck.