FWB gone wrong...HELP

[Beth0621]

"Good, at least you learned from this. There would be more guys in the future who would wine and dine you just to get you into bed. Make sure that you are more guarded next time."

I did learn...that at the very least, I should get wined and dined before I get into bed. I got nothing from this guy but a few beers and a broken heart. Lol. In just the past week I've had a guy flat out tell me all he wants is sex, and another who is laying the charm on so thick, it's almost nauseating.....but at least I know what signs to watch for and I won't be afraid to ask questions and I'm not going to judge guys or girls for wanting FWB If it doesn't directly affect me, live your life.

[michelle23]

Again thats not her fault if he fails to mention the fact that this relationship is going nowhere after wasting her time for 9 years.. jeez. That can be looked at two ways. They are both equally responsible for that conversation

[dickriculous]

Lol @ "wasting her time for 9 years", as if her doing nothing to produce the change she wanted and getting exactly what she gave makes her some sort of victim. Haven't we been over this in the past? Multiple times in fact? SHE is the one who wanted to make a change in the dynamic of the relationship happen, therefore the burden is on HER to take the initiative. That's how literally every single situation in life works. At least in OP's case she eventually gave this a try, you can't even say that much about the chick from the scenario years ago. She literally sat idly by expecting the change she wanted to fall into her lap. She did nothing to make the change she wanted. When I do nothing to make a change I want the end result 100% of the time is I get...nothing, obviously. I learned that basic rule of life when I was a child...and you're telling me grown women can't meet that standard?

[dontaskme]

^^^ Agree, if you want a raise or promotion at work, you need to speak up! Nothing will magically fall on your lap unless you try to make it happen by action or by speaking your mind.

[surfhb]

I'm sorry Beth that you were hurt....honestly I do. Just know that you just learned a huge lesson and this will pass

However, you had complete control over this situation the entire time. Regardless of what Michelle thinks, generally , single guys WILL sleep with a beautiful women if she threw herself at them. I'm not saying all men will but you can sure as shit bet as vaste majority would. At least the normal ones

You both showed your cards and continued to see him. Ok ok....maybe the guy could have said "no I don't want to hurt you " as you have your hands down his pants but do you find that realistic? Honestly do you?

You need to understand what sex is like for men. It wipes away all logical thought and emotions . Don't you know this? It's impossible to explain to a women. If you're naked in our bed the last thing he's thinking about it's your possible hurt feelings.

Honestly you got off easy. Many guys would just string you along until you just flat out left. At least this guy gave you his feelings about it ! Jeesh. You got lucky as far I'm concerned

[michelle23]

There were numerous times outside the bedroom that conversation could have happened surf. She didn't "throw herself at him". It was mutual but he could have at some point during the weeks or months told her "look this is just casual". He waited for her to bring it up and then he hurt/humilated and bailed on her.

Nobody wants to be told "your good enough to **** but really I dont even like you". Most men would be hurt by that too if it was the other way around. They dont like being used any more than we do.

[Beth0621]

You need to understand what sex is like for men. It wipes away all logical thought and emotions .

I hear you. I guess a beautiful woman offering sex is comparable to a wealthy man offering gifts and vacations......may not really like them, but you'll overlook that for the end result....and not care how they feel, if they are offering....what the hell.

You both showed your cards and continued to see him.

Yes, that's true, but his cards changed, mine never did....his way of keeping me just close enough to keep sleeping with him I guess....and I fell for it.

I'm sorry Beth that you were hurt....honestly I do. Just know that you just learned a huge lesson and this will pass

Thanks. Talking on here has really helped. I did learn a lesson, not all people have the same morals and values I do and if they are content with how they live, I'm not gonna change them. I really liked this guy, but reflecting on the situation and hearing everyone's thoughts, I can't put all the blame on him. Like I said....he may have legit liked me in the beginning, but things changed....Both of us had an agenda here....I wanted to make him my boyfriend, so to keep him happy, I kept having sex with him even after I knew he didn't want more.....he kept playing games with my emotions to KEEP having sex with me even though he knew I wanted more. We played each other, I lost....he definitely got the better end of this deal. I guess it was pretty arrogant of me to think I could change him anyway....as you said, sex is sex to a guy, it had nothing to do with ME. I really don't believe we are done for good.....no contact has really helped me to understand what happened and accept it....but I have a feeling we will meet again.....hopefully under different circumstances.

[dontaskme]

Well, when you meet him again, make sure your "chastity belt" is on.

[Beth0621]

Well, when you meet him again, make sure your "chastity belt" is on.

I will do that for sure!

[Wakeup]

This is another fundamental misunderstanding of how FWB works. The FWB rules do not dictate that he has to take responsibility for your emotions in the manner described by the text in bold. The point of FWB is to have no strings attached. That means the two partners are not emotionally responsible for each other. He isn't obligated to babysit you by ending the FWB relationship when he notices you've caught feelings...it's on you to know what to do for your own good and walk away. If you're in a FWB relationship it's implied that you don't need the other person to take responsibility for your emotions for you. I'm not saying it's wrong for you to desire a relationship where two people agree to take responsibility for each other's emotions but looking for it in a FWB relationship and acting like the other person is obligated to do this for you shows your lack of experience and, as mentioned, a fundamental misunderstanding of how a FWB relationship works. Now, it certainly would have been nice of him to take responsibility for your emotions, but he wasn't obligated.

Yep ^^^

A player's motto is: "Its always the girls choice."

Ya know what the best defence against getting played is, Op? It's not sleeping with someone until he shows you in actions that he values you for more then busting a nut.

"I'll text you if I need sex, if I don't text you that means I got it somewhere else"

You certainly didn't lie down with him again after that comment, did you?

So at that point was I supposed to stop and say "hey, if this is all you want, I'm not interested"? Neither of those scenario's were going to happen...after a few times together, yes, he should have told me that....not after I caught feelings for him.

You didn't even have a proper date with this man. You must understand that your vagina is not a sought after commodity anymore because far too many woman are up for casual sex thus your hoohoo is not going to garner you a relationship.

Its YOUR responsibility to look after your own best interests and leaving everything up to the guy who is porking you before you even know who he really is or what kind of guy he is in general when it comes to women is you not taking your own best interests into consideration. If you want to be more then booty then don't be booty.

Acting a victim (as you are in that quote above) isn't going to help you to realize that you are the one that set the stage for the dynamic of your "relationship" with him. Learn from this "thing" so that you don't keep repeating with the next dude you find yourself getting excited over.

[surfhb]

Yay! Finally. A little late to the party Wakeup

I'm now going to refer to all vaginas as HooHoos. Thank you!

[Wakeup]

There were numerous times outside the bedroom that conversation could have happened surf. She didn't "throw herself at him".

She had sex with him before she even had a conversation about what his end goal was or probably before she even knew his last name. Please stop perpetuating her "victimhood." You do her NO favors by enabling her thought process.

It was mutual but he could have at some point during the weeks or months told her "look this is just casual".

He ****ing DID TELL her in his actions. They got together for sex and just because he spent an hour or two watching t.v. with her and talking about the weather is doesn't meant that those were, in any way actions of love.

He waited for her to bring it up and then he hurt/humilated and bailed on her.

He was never her's to bail on... her actions clearly told him that she was jiggy with the dynamic. When she did mistake her lust for love (there's an 80's song about that) and voice a "where is this going convo" he didn't lie to her in the least. After she knew his stance on their sexual relationship she was desperate enough from lack of lust she text him "I miss you." It's women that do such things that keep players, playing.

Nobody wants to be told "your good enough to **** but really I dont even like you". Most men would be hurt by that too if it was the other way around. They dont like being used any more than we do.

You have to stop using that old dogma of "he/she was used no one forced her to **** a guy on the first meet alone. She volunteered and she kept going back for more sex without acts of love in the mix. That's a mutual decision between two adults wherein one got expectations and the other did not.

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I still would probably go back with him because my feelings are still there, but it is what it is.

Don't mistake your LUST for LOVE. Its not shown you in any action that you should love him. Sex, if that's all you have with one another is NOT love.

You'd be a very foolish woman if you continue on in this when you think you love him and can't keep it real. You'll shred your own heart one fk at a time until you have zero self-esteem/respect/worth left. You'd do well to go zero contact and thereby rehab from your drug of choice known as "indifferent sex partner." He may miss your encounters for a bit but remember, he has lots more options for getting a leg over. Think about that.

[michelle23]

I didn't in any way say he showed committment through actions and if you go back and read my earlier posts you will see I said everything you just said besides the using part. And it is using. He has 3 or 4 women on the go. What do you call that?

I was defending OP when some newb started abusing the shit out of her. That is uncalled for

[dontaskme]

I didn't in any way say he showed committment through actions and if you go back and read my earlier posts you will see I said everything you just said besides the using part. And it is using. He has 3 or 4 women on the go. What do you call that?

I was defending OP when some newb started abusing the shit out of her. That is uncalled for

Ahhh, you defending her is not helping her by stroking her bruised ego. You need to call it as it is and stop the BS crap. She was in denial and she needed a reality check, which is what I gave her. As far as I'm concerned, I was more realistic then you were in terms of your crappy advice.

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And BTW, they were both using each other and they both got what they want which was the sex. She even admitted that she wanted to have sex with him even the first time they got together.

[Beth0621]

She had sex with him before she even had a conversation about what his end goal was or probably before she even knew his last name.

Wow, did you even read this whole thread? I absolutely knew his last name (that was a dick statement to make) along with many other personal details about him and his family...we did talk, for a week about many things, like a normal couple would do to get to know each other. Did we analyze what this was going to be? No. I don't think either one of us knew at that point.

He ****ing DID TELL her in his actions. They got together for sex and just because he spent an hour or two watching t.v. with her and talking about the weather is doesn't meant that those were, in any way actions of love.

I never took them as acts of love. We both have busy schedules, so we didn't have much time to spend together.....but I didn't just walk in, strip down, fukc then leave. He was attentive in other ways....holding my hand, rubbing my feet, snuggling with me....all things a normal couple would do....and we talked about our jobs, our lives, our friends, our kids......

He was never her's to bail on... her actions clearly told him that she was jiggy with the dynamic. When she did mistake her lust for love (there's an 80's song about that) and voice a "where is this going convo" he didn't lie to her in the least. After she knew his stance on their sexual relationship she was desperate enough from lack of lust she text him "I miss you." It's women that do such things that keep players, playing.

I agree, he was never mine...and my actions showed him that I was more than happy to do what we were doing.....when I told him how I felt, which was more than lust, and asked if there was a future.....he did and didn't lie..... He said he couldn't answer the question about a future together because he wasn't 100% sure how he felt....I think that was a lie....he used that to keep me hanging....and to keep me in his bed. He then said, the next day, that I was, in fact, just a booty call. That I think was the truth. I heard the lies.

You have to stop using that old dogma of "he/she was used no one forced her to **** a guy on the first meet alone. She volunteered and she kept going back for more sex without acts of love in the mix. That's a mutual decision between two adults wherein one got expectations and the other did not.

I personally don't think he USED me. I was a willing participant, I liked the guy and I like sex. Again, I knew the guy.....it's not like we met that morning and we had sex that evening and I fell in love because of it. There was more to it. I did keep going back...and we did keep having sex....but he never made me feel like that was all it was....was it a romantic fairy tale? No....but it also wasn't like you're portraying it....he never did me and kicked me out of his bed....I wasn't treated like a whore. He always asked me to stay the night...I never did. I still really believe that he should have at least warned me about his FWB life style. Maybe he originally was open to more and like I said, he spent some time with me, and I just wasn't right for him in a long term way...but we did have good dynamics in bed. I did have expectations. I did develop feelings.....and I could have walked away....but my heart wouldn't let me. He could have walked away but his dick wouldn't let him. Sums up how differently men and women think.

And BTW, they were both using each other and they both got what they want which was the sex. She even admitted that she wanted to have sex with him even the first time they got together.

Yeah, I did, but I wasn't using him for sex...I was attracted to him and he was to me....is that not the normal progression of things?.......some people sleep together on the first date and end up married for many years....or they end up never seeing each other again...or they end up like me somewhere stuck in the middle. As for getting back with him....I have sent one text in a week to which he did not respond. I don't see me bumping into eachother...our lives are too different and we don't have mutual friends. I'm just going to go by the old saying...if it was meant to be......you never know what tomorrow may bring.