FWB gone wrong...HELP

[michelle23]

You're still naive and pretty gullible. I feel really sorry for you.

Based on what? Has she not just said she has had zero contact with this man for three weeks?

[Beth0621]

It's fine [MENTION=66459]michelle23[/MENTION] I took that post down.....maybe I am gullible. Like I said, his friend has no reason to lie. He has not contacted me himself nor do I think he will. It's just I finally accepted what it was and how he is then I get hit with this shit. I always had a feeling, regardless of how he acted....I think all the talk about his Booty Call list and casual sex was in his past. I don't believe he was doing that when he was with me and I don't believe he is doing it now. I think I was right about him being different underneath his bad boy exterior...regardless of what some people think who have commented. In print, it looks really bad and I am not making excuses for my behavior or his behavior, but I was with him, I felt something with him. One thing I know for sure after talking with his friend is that he IS trying to turn things around, started working a 2nd job and he says he's happy just being a Dad and a coach right now. Who knows, maybe I should trust my instincts.

[michelle23]

Dear Beth,
Put the power back in your hands. Sure, walking away from good sex wouldn't be easy but the fact he's with others and by the sounds of it, often, ought help you make your choice.

You claim your a step up from the as you say, 'trash' he connects with. I would watch out for that term as it's belittling and judgemental. Almost makes you sound like a snob who assumes a book must be judged by its cover and we all know, this is b.s Perhaps this attitude deters him from allowing you further into his life. Simply talking like that counter indicates the classy approach you claim to have.

Perhaps he's more than happy to be a single 40 yr single Dad who coaches soccer and gets his pick of the ladies so if this is the case, I'll say this:
Prepare to get burnt if you play with a player.

To answer you question, "why does he keep calling on me if he knows my feelings got involved" (not sure if that's exactly what you said but something to that effect), well, you two are good in the sack together. Who wouldn't want more of that? Indeed.

Who knows, maybe things will come full circle here. But you have to put the power back in your court. Next time he calls on you, tell him you've got someone already there but maybe you could squeeze him in next week, you know, if your schedule allows for it.
For goodness sake, don't give him the impression your there for him at a drop of a hat type thing. If you wish to pursue the sexual connection, make him earn it and once again, put some power back in your hands.

Are you aware that players have "wing men" who back them up and tell you the target what you want to hear so the player can continue getting laid? If you cant trust this man then you cant trust his bff

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Dear Beth,
Put the power back in your hands. Sure, walking away from good sex wouldn't be easy but the fact he's with others and by the sounds of it, often, ought help you make your choice.

You claim your a step up from the as you say, 'trash' he connects with. I would watch out for that term as it's belittling and judgemental. Almost makes you sound like a snob who assumes a book must be judged by its cover and we all know, this is b.s Perhaps this attitude deters him from allowing you further into his life. Simply talking like that counter indicates the classy approach you claim to have.

Perhaps he's more than happy to be a single 40 yr single Dad who coaches soccer and gets his pick of the ladies so if this is the case, I'll say this:
Prepare to get burnt if you play with a player.

To answer you question, "why does he keep calling on me if he knows my feelings got involved" (not sure if that's exactly what you said but something to that effect), well, you two are good in the sack together. Who wouldn't want more of that? Indeed.

Who knows, maybe things will come full circle here. But you have to put the power back in your court. Next time he calls on you, tell him you've got someone already there but maybe you could squeeze him in next week, you know, if your schedule allows for it.
For goodness sake, don't give him the impression your there for him at a drop of a hat type thing. If you wish to pursue the sexual connection, make him earn it and once again, put some power back in your hands.

Sorry I think I qouted wrong post. Was meant for OP

[Wakeup]

" Players only love you when they're playing." Fleetwood Mac.

You know every one of those women he's been with, more likely then not, thought that she would be the one that he settled down for but they ended up settling to be on rotation with him.

[Beth0621]

"Players only love you when they're playing." Fleetwood Mac.

You know every one of those women he's been with, more likely then not, thought that she would be the one that he settled down for bet they ended up settling to be on rotation with him.

Nah, another thing I learned is who these 2 girls are. One, and I hate to think this, is the "bad Boy" crowds favorite ride...she doesn't want to settle, she just likes to play.... and the other recently got engaged. So he has lost one to something more serious...maybe she was looking for that with him too, who knows. These are the ones he was referring to as "friends". He could be out looking right now for someone new, but I've heard the opposite. I will assume nothing and believe nothing unless I see it with my own eyes or hear it directly from him how he feels.

[Wakeup]

I will assume nothing and believe nothing unless I see it with my own eyes or hear it directly from him how he feels.

Good plan.

My advice on that: If he does "come back" don't take him as you left him or you'll just get more of the same. Your call if you trust him to be honest and loyal after that.

[Beth0621]

Are you aware that players have "wing men" who back them up and tell you the target what you want to hear so the player can continue getting laid? If you cant trust this man then you cant trust his bff

[MENTION=66459]michelle23[/MENTION]....you could be 100% right about this. Thing is, I've never met his friend before this accidental meeting...so it wasn't like he knew he was going to run into me....he only knew it was me because he was with a mutual acquaintance....and it was like "oh, your the bitch......" It didn't seem orchestrated at all. FWB guy knows how I feel, he knows if he really wanted to, he could get me back...even if it is just to get laid. He has blocked me, he wants no contact, not me, so his friend had nothing to gain for him.

[Wakeup]

What did this friend say? You've deleted the post and after reading Woody's reply to it, it looks like the "wing man" was telling you something along the lines of Mr. FWB wanting you back?

What was the jist of the convo with "wing man?"

[Beth0621]

[MENTION=52694]Wakeup[/MENTION] I deleted the post because after reading it again, I realized it sounded like I was back in la la land and I really didn't want to take any crap for it. In a nutshell, his friend told me I hurt him by saying some really judgmental things to him. That he was trying to shed his past, and his image (and I basically launched an all out character attack on him and his choice of friends) and that I was actually good for him and his son. Apparently I "crushed" him by saying these things and even though I still wasn't his "type" he was serious about giving it a try. I was being tested and I failed. He didn't want to admit to me he felt something and now I have made him even more jaded....Everything he did and said to me was fine and I forgave him.....he is holding this "attack" on his character against me....and I didn't even really mean it, I said it all out of pure anger. I don't know, like I said, unless it comes from him, I believe nothing.

[Wakeup]

I was being tested and I failed

Newsflash: People who are jaded make piss-poor longterm partners. Further: People who are jaded do fvcked up things like "shit test."

If this guy isn't a player then he's too fvcked up to be in something good with you. Good men who have integrity and aren't damaged that love you would not say the things he's said to you... never mind what his so called friend has said to you.

I think you're lucky that he's blocked you. I think you're own personal boundaries clicked in when you KNEW your feelings were not being reciprocated and that's why you said the things you said and why you said them in anger. Your gut was screaming at you that something was not right.

His friend sounds like a mother hen. Your ex should be embarrassed by his pals behaviour and over-stepping of boundaries. I would have told him so and it was none of his business.

[dontaskme]

She basically said that FWB guy really felt something for her. That the friend said, FWB guy wasn't fukcing anyone else but her while they were together, and FWB guy was really hurt when she said what she said to him and that's why he blocked her and she couldn't call nor text him. She thinks that FWB guy and her definitely had a chance but she fukced it up because she thinks that FWB guy was testing her and she failed the test.

I said she's gullible because this is what the friend wants her to think, and I believe that in her head, this is all her wishful thinking but the truth of the matter is, FWB wouldn't give a fukc how she feels or how she's doing and that he's probably somewhere putting his sausage in someone else who's willing right now. It's who he is and no woman will ever change that but him. He has to be willing to be a change man.

And Michelle 23, the only reason why there is no contact is because FWB guy blocked her so she couldn't reach him at all.

[michelle23]

You are still being naive OP. After an 8 page thread, you would think it has helped in some ways but you are still only seeing, hearing, believing what you want to.

The guy is messed up and has too much baggage/issues to be taken seriously. Dysfunctional people are drawn together like magnets, together they make each other worse and only harm each other further

You need to heal you so your not attracting these types

[woody]

^Yup, what she said

[Wakeup]

Yes.. they say we are drawn to people slightly above or slightly below our own psychological and emotional maturity. If that's the case, I have to wonder why you're afraid of commitment and that's why you're so drawn to this love avoidant you're hooked on... he's so exciting because you know he'll never commit to you which = safe consciously while sub-consciously your flight response kicked in which is why you blew your anger and resentment load all over him.

Guts never lie.

[Beth0621]

The guy is messed up and has too much baggage/issues to be taken seriously. Dysfunctional people are drawn together like magnets, together they make each other worse and only harm each other further

I said she's gullible because this is what the friend wants her to think, and I believe that in her head, this is all her wishful thinking but the truth of the matter is, FWB wouldn't give a fukc how she feels or how she's doing and that he's probably somewhere putting his sausage in someone else who's willing right now. It's who he is and no woman will ever change that but him. He has to be willing to be a change man.

Yes.. they say we are drawn to people slightly above or slightly below our own psychological and emotional maturity. If that's the case, I have to wonder why you're afraid of commitment and that's why you're so drawn to this love avoidant you're hooked on... he's so exciting because you know he'll never commit to you which = safe consciously while sub-consciously your flight response kicked in which is why you blew your anger and resentment load all over him.

Yes, yes and yes.... BUT let me play devils advocate for just a second....don't kill me everyone......WHAT IF.....just maybe, I was the one to break his cycle? He had never been with anyone like me...slightly above his social class, educated, a loving caring Mom, someone who really cared about him...and showed it. WHAT IF, he thought I was the one who COULD break his cycle....but was afraid to get too close as his friend said because he didn't want to get hurt. WHAT IF his flight response kicked in when he said all the hurtful things to me...wanting to push me away. WHAT IF I showed him that not all women are the same...and he was seriously considering a relationship with me...as his friend said......but just wasn't ready or wasn't sure how or if it would work out? He may have had all these doubts in his mind......maybe he doesn't know how to have a normal relationship......he did to me what he knows and stepping out of that pattern was so foreign to him it scared him. I didn't deserve how he treated me at all, I will not defend that, but I am really feeling that he did want me, that he did have feelings for me and I am the one who ended up letting him down by being a bitch.

es, yes, yes....I know, I am throwing out too many WHAT IF's and I know I sound ridiculous and I know you guys are gonna tear me apart for being gullible and naive and just plain bat shit crazy....but I was with him, I heard what he said, I saw how he acted....BUT I also was WITH him, I saw how he looked at me, I felt how he hugged me and I felt in my heart there was something there.....I have a tendency to follow my heart.....