Opinions on my friend's open relationship

[zygotic]

Hello,

Just signed up, wanting to what you think of my friend's open relationship and the reasons for why she has agreed to it.

Placing this in context, my friend has been with her boyfriend for 6 years and she told me back in May that they have decided to be in an open relationship. Now, from what I've gathered from our conversations about this, she has agreed to this because she is adamant that monogamy doesn't work, it's not natural and that cheating is inevitable, so it's best to just open up the relationship so that she knows what is going on rather than him doing it behind her back.

To me that's a terrible reason to have an open relationship. I personally don't think that open relationships work anyway but to do it for that reason?!

I get the feeling that she's worried that he's feeling sexually stifled and she doesn't want to lose him so instead has agreed for him to go off with other girls so that he can get his fix and she keeps her relationship. I asked her if she wants to go off with other men in this open relationship but she said no, she just wants to be with him. It's him that wants to go off with other girls. She just wants him.

She's someone with very low self-confidence and is has a lot of insecurities and I think it's a great shame that she feels like she has to do this to keep her relationship.

I realise that there is nothing I can do and I don't want to interfere, but what do you lot think about this situation?

[dem862]

I agree with your assessment. Likely the balance of power in their relationship is more in his favor. However, it is a lot more work for a man to get lovers than for a woman to get lovers. This may work out in her favor.

Anyway, it is their relationship and ultimately they decide what they want. Does their arrangement make you feel jealous or envious? I am sensing your judgment goes beyond caring about her welfare.

[michelle23]

You have to let her make her own mistakes. I agree this is a terrible idea. I would personally rather be alone than share him and go through all that pain/jealousy.. risk STD's and unplanned pregnancies etc..

I would recommend to your friend that if she insists on this arrangement it should be equal. She should be doing the same-otherwise he will just lose respect for her and eventually leave her for someone else anyway.

Also what if he falls for someone else? Sex naturally brings emotions. We have certain hormones that surge during sex which leads to feelings developing over time. Does she have rules like only one night stands to prevent this? Does she have a say in who he can/can't have sex with? Is anyone off limits? People she knows? What about STD prevention?

Why did she come up with this idea? Did he cheat? Did he bring it up and ask for it? If no, why has he agreed to it?

I think there are so many risks to the security of relationship if it becomes open that the couple will eventually break up anyway.

Maybe she subconsciously wants out and this is her way of sabotaging it so it doesn't work. Who knows?

[zygotic]

For a start, it was not her idea. It was him that introduced it, and over time she has convinced herself that being in an open relationship is the best way to avoid the risk of cheating.

It's a very one-sided open relationship. He's been on dates with girls but it hasn't really gone anywhere yet. But yeah, he could meet someone and develop a deeper connection that is not just sex.

There's nothing I can do and I realise that, but I just don't want her to get hurt. Her relationship means everything to her and I fear this isn't going to end well..

[Wakeup]

To me that's a terrible reason to have an open relationship. I personally don't think that open relationships work anyway but to do it for that reason?!

What do YOU think would be a good reason?

This is not a mistake if she does not believe that monogamy is possible. It is the right thing for them to be doing.

, she has agreed to this because she is adamant that monogamy doesn't work, it's not natural and that cheating is inevitable,

Why you think she is just doing this to comply with HIM is beyond me. She is the one that has stated that monogamy doesn't work.

[michelle23]

Nah I think shes clinging to him out of fear of being alone. Hes manipulated this situation and taking advantage of the power he has over her. Its not an equal relationship. Its dysfunctional.

[Wakeup]

Nah I think shes clinging to him out of fear of being alone. Hes manipulated this situation and taking advantage of the power he has over her. Its not an equal relationship. Its dysfunctional.

You're as closed minded as ever. There is ZERO indication in the opening post of any of what you're saying and you're simply projecting your own inability to see past your own preference of a monogamous union. Church and state has dictated monogamy and it takes some discussion to see the other side of things which SHE has come to terms with by her statement about monogamy being impossible. If she wants to stay with him and they have completely different sexual boundaries then their relationship won't last anyway even if they keep it closed.

She'll do better then him when it comes to getting new partners.

snipped and adding:

Op: Maybe this can be your chance to get a leg over? When buddy goes out on the prowl, you can slip right on over and help HER with the "open" part of their relationship... Heh... you're already emotionally involved anyway... should be easy. No?