Okay. So here it is: my situation that is. I met
a woman (24) a couple years ago. Let's call her Storm. I was instantly attached and while we worked together, we were nearly inseparable. Here's kicker number one: she's gay (but has said that if she meets the right kind of guy, she won't be opposed) and I'm a guy. We got close for sure and after a few months she withdrew herself. I was very careful not to fall for her and I honestly didn't! (She was gay and therefore I didn't have a chance. I suspect, however, that she sort of began to have Feelings for me and that is why, perhaps, she withdrew from me. We actually lost contact for about a year. Then we got in contact again via Facebook and would just casually "run into" each other from time to time. Here's where the twisting begins. I found out that she had moved and only lived right down the road from me; so i insisted we hang out which she agreed to. Come to find out, though, the guy (40's) she was living with was not a good fella. He was creepy and a heroin addict and when she wouldn't do what he wanted her to do, like love him, he would get unfriendly. So i told her to come live with me. I never honestly expected her to take me up on this offer but she did. She moved in with me a couple days later. Now, some back story: when i first met her, she was a month sober from heroin. She ended up making it to nine months and relapsed and had not recovered since then. She wanted to though (yes seriously, she did. Don't question me! Lol) so i told her that she could live with me if she didn't use in my house or bring anything or anyone disagreeable into my house. If she did, i would kick her out. Further background: i have my mother, sister, sister's husband, and their son living with me also. (I know. Full house.) So needless to say, my friend, Storm, lived with me, in my room, and in my bed with me. (For those questioning at this moment, yes. She's out of this world, gorgeous. ) and no: She and I have not done anything. Only one night when she was in emotional turmoil over, who knows what, she asked me to hold her while we fell asleep and so i did. And it was a simple arm around her waist and, per her request, gently caressing her bare arm. But that really didn't feel intimate. So anyway. .... The next night (i think) i caught her passed out from a minor overdose on my porch. I love her in an unconditional kind of way. So, not romantically. Just always forgiving, slow to anger, always kind and putting others (her) before me. That being said, i wasn't angry. I helped her back to the bed and went searching. I found her stash and disposed of it. (I will be honest at this point however. I admit that it had been a struggle not falling for her. I mean c'mon! Can't live and sleep with a woman and not fall in love or at least struggle! That and she didn't make it easy. Like doing things for me. Cooking. Cleaning. Making my dinner plate. I never asked her to do any of that. Or if she hadn't seen me all day, she'd nearly knock me over with a big tight warm embrace when she did finally see me. Or sometimes just randomly hugging me and touching me. Which, by the way, is a fast track to getting my romantic attention. Even the occasional, " I love you Zuull," or, "i miss you." So yeah. Kinda difficult to fight that. I will say this, she was always modest. Never saw her changing or naked or anything like that. I'm going to give some further background: remember, she's an addict. And addicts will find any way they can to get the drugs or the money for the drug. I know for fact that she would offer guys sexual favors for money or drugs. Quite successfully, since she's so beautiful. She never once came onto me sexually, hit on me, stole from me, or asked me for any suspicious amounts of money. So either i should have been insulted that she thought i was way too disgusting or greatly complimented that she had respect enough not to. Side point: only thing that kept my feelings at bay was knowing that addicts are manipulators. So although she had never tried anything sexual, i still took everything she did or said with a grain of salt. Anyway, back on point and out of parentheses...) So i took her stash and pitched it. Morning rolled around and things unfolded: her finding out what I had done and she got pissed. She voiced her anger, gathered what she could carry and took off. I, caring for her and worrying about her, caught up to her. By then she had cut (that's right. Cut. It's kind of expected with what an addict will go through in such situations.) her self but had calmed down. We talked. She said she understood why I did what i did, she just wished i would have given the stuff back to her and kicked her out. Nevertheless, after some crying and hugging, i brought her home and we talked a lot. She was very honest about everything. We agreed she could stay. The next two days, as she got more and more sick, the less she'd talk to me. She avoided me. Slept on the couch. But if I spoke to her, she'd respond. If i told her that i loved her, she'd respond that she loved me. Needless to say, i was torn apart thinking that I had lost my friend. My dear friend who i probably had never loved any other friend more. This past Monday night, she asked my brother in law to take her into town. So he did. Not going to get into the details but she went there, lied about what she was getting and instead got heroin and shot up in the bathroom of the store she was in. In a series of freak events, due to her over dosing, there was an accident that should have killed her. She came out of it with a broken neck, ribs, pelvis, fractured jaw, and with burns, scraps, and cuts. This entire past week she's been in the hospital. And i took off work for the week and have been by her side every chance I could other than when I had to get sleep. It's been a series of 36 hour stretches before sleeping or eating. I know the panic i went through when i got the call. The heart dropping panic when i got to the scene and saw what i saw. Images I'll never get out of my head. Only being able to think, "i can't lose her. Please God please! " this has been quite the eye opener for her. After she leaves the hospital she is going to have 8 to 12 weeks of recovery. And when they asked her where she was going to live she didn't hesitate to give my address. When they confirmed with me, I didn't hesitate to agree and agree to the accommodations in my house that I'd have to make. Mind you, my family that lives with me love her also and didn't think twice about her coming back home. So what is my struggle? Am i falling in love? Have I already? How can I stop it without hurting her? Her ex girlfriend has been coming around and she and I have been civil (not that we ever weren't but here hasn't been any competition either). Anytime someone asks who we are to Storm, we both say, "significant others. " But.... Sometimes the ex will touch Storm or caress her in such ways that I don't like. I don't know if it is me being jealous or if it's because I know that the ex wants it all to be over and Storm doesn't and those sorts of affections are misleading Storm. I don't want to see her hurt. Oh! I almost forgot. Okay so for those of you have never encountered an addict, one thing you do not do is take their drugs: Unless you're ready to fight. So when I told Storm's AA sponsor that Storm had gone two days without speaking to me, she nearly fell down in amazement. When someone asked Storm why she hadn't gotten violent with me (which would have been a common reaction to an addict), her answer was, "Because I love Zuull too much to hurt him." One of the nurses had some "girl talk" with Storm then came and told me, without telling me, Storm really cares about and loves me. (The nurse kept giving me that, "you dawg, you" look. ) Storm's mother came in from another state. When she arrived i gave her time with her daughter alone. When the nurses came in and kicked everyone out (because it was bath time) her mother came out into the waiting area with me and told me that Storm REALLY loves me. But this love that Storm keeps telling people she has for me.... i don't think she means it as romantic love. She apparently talks about me all the time though. Her mother and I had never met prior and not only did she recognize me but she knew stuff about me that Storm told her about. Any visitors from her AA meetings that visited also knew me well. But her actions, words, etc toward me just don't speak romantic love. She's gay. But had said that if she ever found a cute guy, she may consider it. I'm not a cute guy by the way lol. How do I distance myself without her realizing that I'm distancing myself so as to build the necessary walls so as to not fall in love or to reverse what's already been done? I don't want to fall in love because i don't want to get hurt. And falling in love with a lesbian is a sure fire way of getting hurt. Unless maybe....there's a chance. So what do you have for me? Any advice or perspectives or considerations I've not thought of?