Is looking at other women wrong?

[SeanJ]

I did a search for related subject on this forum and came up with a few. Most of which were about "strippers" or "looking at porn". My twist of the question is a more "clean" approach, if you will.

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All:

First of all, this is my first post on these forums - so HI, I'm Sean. :-) I'm 24 years old, been married (for 3 years) and I'm now divorced. I've been divorced for almost a full year now (separated for even longer). I am dating a girl (19, but extremely mature for her age) ... and have been with her for nearly 1.5yrs now. We're in a serious, comitted, loyal relationship. We've never cheated on eachother and have gone through a lot of tough times together.

With that being said, she is CONSTANTLY trying to shelter me by keeping me at home or refusing to go out with me because every time we go out together she "notices me looking at other women". If I see a young female close to my age that I find attractive, I might take a look for a few seconds -- and maybe even say to myself "I like that about her" or "I dont like this about her" ... but I do not stare and I do not lust. I'm even holding my girlfriend's hand as this occurs. She seems to think I'm being disrespectful (and I can see her view), but I've tried over and over again to reassure her that "I'm just a guy. It is in our nature. I'm not being lustful. I am loyal to you." But that just doesn't seem to cut it for her.

I think a big difference in my case is the fact that (1) she is so young ... being 19 --and even though she is mature, she lacks relationship experience. (2) That I have been married and even my wife was more tolerant of things like that.

I have got to the point where I am sincerely considering leaving her over this because it is so incredibly frustrating. She's a wonderful girl and it hurts to even THINK about leaving her, but I cannot (and refuse to) be with someone that plays a parental role and scolds me for being a member of the animal family.

I'd like to get some opinions and advice/suggestions from some of the more "moral" (in my opinion) members of this forum. The reason I say that is because I noticed there are quite a few people that think looking at porn, going to strip clubs, talking to other women online, etc are OK in a relationship when all signs point to "NO" (per many years of marital counseling). I am not trying to be disrespectful to those people, so please do not take it the wrong way --- I am simply hoping for comments from more conservative people.

Thank you all for your time!

Best,

Sean

[Tone]

I been in your situation. I had a g/f who would always bust my balls for looking at other girls... but the main reason she got mad is cause I'd always deny it... because in my mind I thought she was mad at me for somethin, and I didn't do anything wrong, other than just look at a girl so I'd deny it.

It's just natural to look at a pretty girl. Every single guy on the planet does it and if a guy is good enough to pretend like he doesn't notice, you can be sure in his mind he's wishing he could.

I would just tell her to get over it, it's just natural. Tell her good luck finding a man (straight) who doesn't LOOK at a pretty girl and she should be thankful that that's ALL you do is look. Now are you just glancing at them or do you STARE and really check them out? When I was with my girl I'd just glance, maybe give them a quick check out, but nothing more and she still would flip out. I mean I'd try my best not to, cause I know she'd yell at me, but it's just natural dude... you shouldn't feel bad as long as you're not doin anything creepy like licking your lips while lookin at them or gettin really big google eyes haha

[Cybog]

Well, as one of the most conservative and moral people here on the forums, (chuckle) I think I can help steer you in the right direction.

#1. Chicks know you look at other women, but they damn sure don't need you pointing out the fact that you are with your commentary. About anything.

The reason I say that is because I noticed there are quite a few people that think looking at porn, going to strip clubs, talking to other women online, etc are OK in a relationship when all signs point to "NO" (per many years of marital counseling).

Perhaps the reason you WENT to counseling is because you, your woman, or your relationship simply couldn't handle it. If both parties are genuinely "Ok" with it and mature about what they do, what they look at, what they see, where is the problem?

The problems that come from looking at other women is when it goes too far. When you point out how "good" something is about another woman, you are detracting from the attention that YOUR woman wants. This is why you can't talk about it with your girl. No matter how "ok" with it some chicks say they are, they aren't. This is why you need to keep it to yourself.

#2. She is 19. I don't care how "mature" you think she is, she isn't. She hasn't had a real relationship yet. She has never had to pay bills. She has never had to worry about really taking care of herself.

She doesn't know how Real Life works. All she knows is the bastardization and skewed reality she has grown up to know by watching the OC and MTV. And so, in that sense, she is insecure. She thinks you are "hers" and doesn't want to lose you. She thinks you will cheat on her as a result of her insecurities. This is why she is so hard on you.



Either way, you need to be who you want to be in life, not some molded child that a teenager wants you to be. The biggest problem with chumps around here is they concern themselves so much about being someone they aren't just to get some lame broad to give them attention.

You are still a man right? Then be one, and stop succumbing to the whim of a child who wants you to be that which SHE desires.

[misombra]

leave. run. fast.

[GrkScorp]

Well, as one of the most conservative and moral people here on the forums, (chuckle) I think I can help steer you in the right direction.

#1. Chicks know you look at other women, but they damn sure don't need you pointing out the fact that you are with your commentary. About anything.



Perhaps the reason you WENT to counseling is because you, your woman, or your relationship simply couldn't handle it. If both parties are genuinely "Ok" with it and mature about what they do, what they look at, what they see, where is the problem?

The problems that come from looking at other women is when it goes too far. When you point out how "good" something is about another woman, you are detracting from the attention that YOUR woman wants. This is why you can't talk about it with your girl. No matter how "ok" with it some chicks say they are, they aren't. This is why you need to keep it to yourself.

#2. She is 19. I don't care how "mature" you think she is, she isn't. She hasn't had a real relationship yet. She has never had to pay bills. She has never had to worry about really taking care of herself.

She doesn't know how Real Life works. All she knows is the bastardization and skewed reality she has grown up to know by watching the OC and MTV. And so, in that sense, she is insecure. She thinks you are "hers" and doesn't want to lose you. She thinks you will cheat on her as a result of her insecurities. This is why she is so hard on you.



Either way, you need to be who you want to be in life, not some molded child that a teenager wants you to be. The biggest problem with chumps around here is they concern themselves so much about being someone they aren't just to get some lame broad to give them attention.

You are still a man right? Then be one, and stop succumbing to the whim of a child who wants you to be that which SHE desires.

i agree. if she's controling you, and if she's molding u into the person "she" wants u to be, ur wasting ur time with her, unless u don't like youself the way u are already... trust me on this one... i had an ex that used to be this way.. she used to put on the whole serious act, but she was just really immature.. EVERYONE else would ask me "why" i was doing all these things, or like going to all these places for/with her, that i wouldn't normally do or go to... and like.. it was caz she was constantly making me compromise... little by little, i wasn't ME anymore, i wasn't the person she fell in love with, i was the person she made me into, so she could love... which was unfair, caz i never tried to change her around at all, or tell her what to do or not to do... i learned to accept and deal with everything about her... and if she can't give you that same respect back, then both of u really shouldn't be together...

wow though, you're like 24, and she's 19, both of u are like on different mental levels... the way she thinks is miles away from how YOU think... so u also need to compromise on her views a little bit... if you really love her, i think the least u can do is to give her some time to settle into u, and get comfortable with how u are.. u should just try and explain to her that u can't help it.. i know that personally, i can't NOT look at anything that passes my way... anyone, guys, girls, dogs, flies... i NEED to look and make a mental note of it... i guess it's the way guys are by nature, we need to evaluate, assess and familiarize ourselves with our surroundings... let her know that it's ur natural instinct, and that it's hard enough for u to control it as it is... plus... in reality.. the real reason ur looking at other women is to compare them to what u already have... and in reality, that's what she's really worried about... she couldn't care less about u looking at other women... she's just worried caz she knows that u might look at one of them one day and think... wow!!! she looks way better than my gf... i know that might not be the case!!! lol... but that's what she thinks most likely... lol... truth be told, love works in a funny way.. and love is bliss... caz when ur in love... your gf IS the most beautiful, sexiest, hottest thing alive out there... everyone else u look at is out of pity.. caz u know they don't even come close to comparing with your gf... all u need to do, is tell her that... let her know... and make shur she gets it!!!

[beatpirate]

I'm not wild about it, but I guess a quick glance is ok. If it was an obvious stare*which is kinda disrespectful, I think*, I'd say something after.

[aloha22]

I have no problem admitting that I look at other guys if they are attractive. And I am also in a serious relationship and love my boyfriend. I DON'T stare because I don't have any realy interest in that guy. Once in a while, my boyfriend will get jealous when I talk about some hot celebrity, but first off, it's not like I know the dude or would consider getting serious, and secondly, I know he thinks Tara Reid is hot.

[fenderella]

I'm writing because I'm the girl whom the first post speaks about. I definitely think that based on his post, I can say my opinion.

I love Sean very much and I consider him my best friend. I was with him through personal hell and back and stuck through some of the worst things, in my opinion, ie. his divorce, getting out of the military, financial strain etc.

I moved out with him as soon as I graduated high school, and although he had MUCH more relationship experience than I did, I don't believe he took it into consideration.
I don't worry about him looking at other girls, I worry about him lusting over them, which he had done in his previous relationship, and which is what lead to infidelity and so forth. To compare, one person cannot be an alcoholic one month and not another. It takes practice and faith, but I think I started dating him too close to the "practice" phase.

Men are hard-wired to think with their manhood, unfortuntely and girls are not, which is why females get upset with their man is seemingly giving some other girl the attention they want. Girls are constantly pressured by society to look their best at all times, like it's some sort of competition and unfortunatly THAT has become second nature.

So perhaps, even though men try to suppress their carnal urges, women at the same time have to fight jealousy, society based beauty concerns, and competition. On another note, the divorce rate speaks for itself which is also unfortunate.

I'd like to add that the reason his previous wife was probably more tolerant was because she did things behind his back that weren't so great (but that's between him and her).

Basically, I think his post isn't dead on, but he's basing his opinion off what he sees. I actually feel as though I am sheltered too, feeling guilty when I go to the mall with my mom and having to check in often. I AM very mature for 19, but I wasn't prepared to date someone that was previously married. Whether you want to or not, marriage brings in a lot of emotional baggage for both parties. You have to swim or sink, sadly.

I suppose it's a case by case situation. You either work it out or you don't and that's life.

[fenderella]

truth be told, love works in a funny way.. and love is bliss... caz when ur in love... your gf IS the most beautiful, sexiest, hottest thing alive out there... everyone else u look at is out of pity.. caz u know they don't even come close to comparing with your gf... all u need to do, is tell her that... let her know... and make shur she gets it!!!

That part is pretty dead on, but I don't think guys have the tenacity to say something so seemingly "Jerry McGuire" to their girls...but yes, that's what we need to hear. To be reassured, basically. If guys dont say how they really feel, then us females are left to think up thoughts for ourselves, which can get ugly!

I dont compare Sean to other guys...and yes, I love Johnny Depp...but Sean is SEAN. There is no other guy out there like him and that's the way I see it. So when I go out, I have this ego in my head like, "No guy is better than my Sean, so I'm out walkin' with the hottest babe ever." IT's just kind of how girls think. Guys seem to be all about looks, girls are about what's inside....and not just inside his jeans....

[Tone]

LoL busted... I was wonderin how long before someone posted something about their SO and then their SO found it and posted.

[SeanJ]

Don't ask me how she found this forum. We talked about this topic and I agreed to show it to her under the condition she didn't say a word about it - and apparently she can't keep her word. Just as usual, she has to throw her 2c in everywhere to defend herself.

Unfortunately what you don't get SWEETIE is that I made this post to discuss (more or less) myself and my life with these people and not to badmouth you. I wish you would have just stayed out of this. And don't mention my past relationships if you don't want to dig it up. We have been together LOYALLY and FAITHFULLY 110% for one and a half years now. So don't even try to pull that "once a cheater always a cheater" bs with me. You should be thankful you have a loyal guy these days. Most women turn out to be sluts and most men manwhores. At least you have a guy that isn't sleeping around on you - a rareity in itself.

As for the posts here, thank you all for your opinions. I think most of you made very good points.

I suppose it's a case by case situation. You either work it out or you don't and that's life.

amen, sister!

[fenderella]

Na, no one is busted. I asked him for the URL when he was kind enough to tell me what he thought and that he asked others for advice.

Cant blame him I guess...I thought it was a bit unorthodox, however. I still love him...I just wish we could agree on things such as this or come to a happy medium :-)

[fenderella]

"So don't even try to pull that "once a cheater always a cheater" bs with me. You should be thankful you have a loyal guy these days."

I AM thankful, trust me...and you know why...

Some points on this forum were....weird. :-P

[Cybog]

This went and got funny.

[GrkScorp]

Guys seem to be all about looks, girls are about what's inside....and not just inside his jeans....

interesting!!! i have to tell all my ugly friends about u... caz so far, every girl they've been with has not even considered them at first glance caz check this out.. "they looked like &^%@"..



surprised??? neither am i... i don't know why u'd even sit here and give us the whole mubo jumbo about girls being saints and not all about looks but what's inside, and then.. having the audacity to call all men horny and as if they don't consider any other aspect of a women other than looks..

girls are about what's inside....and not just inside his jeans....

really??? i'm guessing your refering to what's in his pockets then??? or his trust fund???

do u see how fair it sounds now that we can label women that way to??? seriously.. the generalizations have to stop.. it's sickening...

and just for the record... the typical description of a guy.. by a girl is as follows...

wow.. he's really really hot.. and cute (as if there's a differance).. he's really hard working, has a great job, comes from a great family (again.. all the same thing..) and like wow.. check out this ring he got me..!!! i know right!!! (giggles)

yes.. i know.. how romantic... (can u feel the sarcasm ooze out of your screan???) guys on the other hand, are like a 50/50... some say something like...

she's hot.. and ehh.. she doesn't b*tch alot.. so watever...

ahem!!! then, the other half of us actually something like...

she's really smart and funny, and she looks great and loves what she does.. i can honestly say i love her..

boo!!! on the insensitive male shovanist!!! boo!!!