Lunch with the Opposite Sex

[Camby]

I am looking for some opinions. Within the last year my wife was emotionally involved with another man, and continued contact after telling me four times it had stopped. To this day, she feels that she did nothing wrong as they were just talking.

Last week, she was at work and one of her co-workers asked her to lunch. This co-worker is a male and they went to lunch just with each other, and never bothered to call me. Although she has frequently been telling me that she doesn't have money, she bought his lunch. She does not feel it is a big deal because it was only a $12 lunch, but I have an issue with her going to lunch with someone of the opposite sex especially so soon after her emotional affair.

She feels as if I am acting out of line so I thought I would go here to find out what other people think. How many of your spouses go to lunch with someone of the opposite sex when there are trust issues with the relationship?

[dontaskme]

Nada. Your wife is a married woman. Totally inappropriate for her to be lunching with the opposite sex, never mind buying the guy lunch.

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Is your wife a flirt by nature?

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Is your wife a flirt by nature?

[Wakeup]

Your wife has no clue what is and isn't appropriate when in a committed relationship. She is totally disrespecting you by going on one-on-one lunches with a man (especially if it wasn't business and you've never met him) and particularly since she's already found herself in one emotional affair.

I suggest the two of you get some marriage councelling so that she understands and learns to respect relationship boundaries and if she won't participate in such a thing that you get your own personal councelling so that you get the strength you need to leave someone who, without a doubt, doesn't change her ways will be cheating on you again.

Good luck.

[haxan]

Probably not a good sign, problem is the more you put your thumb on her, the more she will contest you. Let her do what she wants, you don't have a choice anyway. If she ruins the marriage, then she really didn't want to be married to you anyway. Better to find out sooner than later.

[Wakeup]

^^^ that is codependent thinking. If after he has a discussion about her inappropriateness she does not see the error of her ways and doesn't want to change her ways so that she can save her marriage, then HE should leave her. Enabling her to be an inappropriate skag while he sees what happens is, as I said totally without his own personal boundaries and as such, is not protecting his own emotional interests.

[pcmaster]

Where is your wife? I want free lunch too !

[lovebroken]

A 12 dollar lunch seems expense and she paid for her own too, why couldn't the man pay for his own, is it because she asked him to go to lunch? Was her lunch date with him?If it hurts you she should respect that, this male lunch date isn't an old long time friend so why does she need to lunch with him if you disapprove, she can lunch with any female.

[pseudosooz]

First of all, how did you find out about the lunch. Did she tell you? Because I am a woman and I want to point out that as a woman, if I have no intentions with a man, I make sure I pay for my meal at the least, and often his, because letting him pay feels like I'm insinuating I would date him. Where-as offering to pay seems far more just friendly. So, if you found out because she told you, and she payed so as not to give him any wrong impressions, your wife may well feel that she hasn't done anything wrong. I mean, at the end of days, part of loving our spouses was allowing them to love their lives. If you guys are walking on eggshells around each other, what kind of life is that?
My husband is close with many of his ex girlfriends, and is close friends with many many women. And at first it drove me crazy, but now I see that I could never replace those women, it would exhaust me, even if it was possible. And furthermore, he doesn't belong to me. We are partners, meant to enhance the quality of one another's existance. I'm the crown jewel, not the only one. And by thinking this way, it means that I don't have to needlessly alienate myself from my male friends. (Who support me emotionally, a great deal, and my hubby isn't jealous of them). It's may seem like a bizarre way of thinking, but old fashioned thoughts in this modern era, will ultimately hurt you far worse than learning to be accepting. The rule is, though, if she can do it, so can you! And if your wife turns out to be a hypocrite, well then you've got grounds for some talk of compromise. Certainly she shouldn't subject you to anything she wouldn't be willing to see done on your end.

I'll refer to my favorite line from a Bliss & Eso song 'True love is not a cage
It's a home in which you are free'

[michelle23]

Have you had marriage counselling after her infidelity? She needs to accept responsibility, realize it was wrong and why and learn how to prevent this happening again.

Does your wife love you? Is she happy, emotionally fulfilled? Are there any issues in the marriage? Have you hurt her? Im not saying any of that excuses the behavior but you both probably have work to do if you want this marriage to work.

Again get marriage counselling. Or else this will happen again.

[reeba]

You definitely need to get some marriage counceling because I think you are paranoid. If you can't forgive, then you need to get out.

Personally I don't understand what an 'emotional' affair is. My two best friends are male, and I bet my relationships with them (one for 18 platonic years and one for 12 platonic years) would 100% meet your definition of an emotional affair.

[Wakeup]

.
Personally I don't understand what an 'emotional' affair is.

Well I reckon that's obvious when you're advising a guy in another thread to pursue a woman who is already in a live-relationship with children.

[michelle23]

You definitely need to get some marriage counceling because I think you are paranoid. If you can't forgive, then you need to get out.

Personally I don't understand what an 'emotional' affair is. My two best friends are male, and I bet my relationships with them (one for 18 platonic years and one for 12 platonic years) would 100% meet your definition of an emotional affair.

An emotional affair is when you pretend to yourself that you are just friends and doing nothing wrong but live in denial about your feelings and tell yourself as long as we don't physically cheat were not crossing a line.. its when you confide in them, lean on them for emotional support, meet up one on one having dates like lunch or coffee.. when you text them late at night and flirt and feel jealous if they are with someone else. You also lie about the friendship and pretend its truly pratonic or pretend that person doesn't exist to your spouse or feel uncomfortable if your partner and "friend" are in the same place at the time

[bluesummer]

You know what, if there wasn't the previous issue with the emotional affair, I'd say you're being silly. I'm married and have male friends and colleagues that sometimes I hang out with and maybe even buy their coffee or lunch. It's no biggie. I usually tell my husband anyways but he doesn't care.

Your wife however has shown she can't totally be trusted around the opposite sex. Does this mean you should never trust her? Not necessarily. She obviously told you about this lunch. I can't tell from your post if she's just completely clueless or likes the attention and is trying to make it look like no big deal so you'll just let her carry on with it. Open communication here is key. Tell her how it makes you feel. If she seems defensive or isn't willing to acknowledge or respect your discomfort, she's got a problem. Regardless, definitely get some counselling.

[Carebrother]

If your wife had an emotional affair and now likes to have male company at lunchtime, it seems that marriage is less than complete for her - like it is for a lot of people. Maybe it ain't for you either.
To enrich the marriage you could experiment with different roleplays. Partners and lovers take over where parents left off. You could play lovelord, she could play mistress. You could alternate.
At amore mundane level, you might find more time to talk and listen (a common complaint) find new practical interests to share - practical, social, artistic, creative, sporting, sociopolitical, faith.
One attitude that sometimes keeps relationships together is that one is in love with the other sex in general, but one's duty to the opposite sex is to keep the member of that sex whom one is with, stimulated and happy in their lovelife. Provided one does all that one reasonably can to keep the home fires burning, outside relationships may not matter. However one needs to be open about them and reach an agreement on mutual care generally and what behaviour with other lovers is acceptable. Feeling pleased that one's partner has a loving relationship elsewhere is a generous thing to be encouraged and to be reciprocated.
A warm-up lover might not be a bad thing - get the desire away from home, but let it come to climax at home.

[Wakeup]

^^^ Polyamorous mind-set.