is my wife right for being crazy mad at me for doing favor for my family?

[nhsieh001]

Hi,

My wife just got awfully mad because I agreed to babysit my sister's kids on sunday afternoon (4-9pm) while she and her husband are going out to a birthday party. This is the 2nd or 3rd similar request in the last 14 months. Because it's a request from my sister, I tried to help if I was able to help. My wife expressed displeasure on how my sister would go out for fun & ask me to help her out with 2 kids. My wife said if it was emergency situation, then we would certainly help out but not when she's going out for fun. My wife said that she would never put out such a request to burden other people. I can see from my wife's perspective on how my sister's request is not the best. But I felt like it's not my job to argue or teach my sister on how she and her husband should live their lives. If their request for help is too unreasonable or frequent, then I wouldn't be able to help them, especially if I don't have the time to help or my wife needs my help in something else. So when my sister asked me a week ago whether I can help her to babysit, I could have said no (it's not an emergency situation), but my inclination was it should be ok and i should be able to make the time to help her out. So I told my wife about it and asked her if we could do that on Sunday afternoon. My wife got mad at the idea all of the sudden on such a request from my sister. So eventually, I said she didn't have to go. But today, the day before i'm going to help my sister, my wife called me and said she's not happy but then wouldn't tell me anything else on the phone and eventually hang up. When I tried to call back, she wouldn't pick up the phone. When I came home, I asked her what's wrong because I was worrying for the past few hours. but my wife still wouldn't talk to me until more than an hour later. she said that i was supposed to know what's wrong. I said i really don't because you were still fine this morning. Then she said why don't I just go to my sister now. I was still puzzled. then she said why don't you think what's wrong and why I'm so angry. I said if you're talking about babysitting tomorrow, I thought it was settled. I already told my sister that I'll help her out and it would be kind of late to ask her to find someone else to help. My wife said if you step out now, never come back. I said if you really feel that way, then I'll just contact my sister to let her know that I wouldn't be able to help. So I did contact my sister to apologize to her for backing out this late, and she was ok. To me, my family member is important so i'll try to help if i'm capable. but ultimately, my wife is more important to me. so when it comes push & shove, i'll always choose my wife at the end. After this, my wife is still mad because she said that i should have handled this before she had to say something and thus makes her a bad person. I honestly didn't tell my sister that my wife didn't want me to go. i just told her that i got my wife mad so now she wants me to help her at home. My wife is saying that everyone else would have known it's right thing to say no in this situation, but instead, i made a mess in this relationship. Is she right? What should have been the right thing to do?

[TablesandChairs]

What's the background? Does your wife not like your sister? Is she resentful over something? Based on what you have said - I think it's nasty. Families help each other - I help mine often, they help me...we help my partners family. I would have never embarrassed myself or my partner to his family like that.

[dontaskme]

You're wife is one crazy bitch. Your family is your blood and you should help your sister if and when she needs help. I'm sorry for you for marrying an unreasonable twat!

[milk&honey]

Why is she so against you helping out your sister? You need to have a talk with your wife about this. Perhaps there's something else bothering her.

[dickriculous]

1) Stop calling her your wife. She isn't your wife, she's your owner

2) If she's talking down to you like this

My wife is saying that everyone else would have known it's right thing to say no in this situation

it means your pimp had was weak as hell earlier on in the relationship. If she's talking down to you like that and it's not even registering in her brain that she's doing anything wrong then dear God, I don't even know what to tell you at that point. The only solution is to not have ever let things get that bad in the first place but obviously it's too late for that now.

3) Your owner has the emotional maturity of an entitled 6 year old who's never been told no her entire life. She obviously didn't get enough spankings as a kid, that's where your pimp hand was supposed to compensate earlier in the relationship.

[Wakeup]

Your wife is being stupid. A couple should not stop having date nights out without the kids. That is how marital problems start - when you no longer become a romantic couple who still has fun together and you become a Mother and Father whose only existence together is such.

Your wife is an insensitive shrew who likely does you once a year on your birthday.

[dontaskme]

She got you by the balls pretty good. Try to get them back and once she tries to dictate to you what to do, tell her to go screw herself cause you ain't doin' it for her no more until she learns to be your bitch again.

[nhsieh001]

Thanks for the feedback. my wife did say that she did feel that my sister was taking advantage of me. I didn't feel that way because my sister has been supported of me and had helped me quite a few times before. so i didn't think 3x was too much in more than a year. I probably could have asked my wife in a better way. we have talked much today and we both agreed we didn't handle the situation properly. your feedback was appreciated!

[michelle23]

Do you and your wife have kids? In my family it is normal for all of us to help with the kids. If my aunts/uncles want to go out, my parents take the kids-same the other way around. I don't have kids but me and my bf have in the past looked after my families children or his little brother. There was one time we were looking after 6kids at once ranging in ages from 1-14..

That's what families do. When I have children, I will expect my parents, his parents, aunts and uncles as well as cousins to help out occasionally if we want to go on a date night. I look after my cousins daughter sometimes and have no issues with it.

Your wife is being unreasonable. I wonder is she controlling/abusive in other ways? Does she try to isolate you from family and friends? If yes, then I think you both need serious help if you want this marriage to work and for it to be equal as well as respectful. Have you considered couples counselling?

[nhsieh001]

my wife read the post so her feedback word for word:
I am the wife and I would like to add a few background things about the situation.
1, his Mom is taking care of his sister’s two kids full time, Monday to Friday, day and night. His sister does not need to do much house work at all, even no grocery shopping or prepare her own lunch.
And the Mom lives in his only house and we are living in the house I purchased by myself.
2, My husband just started his career and has to work until 9pm at night. He used to work 6 days per week and just changed to 5 days because we really have no time for us at all. Still now, I am the one who is doing most of the housework, without any help from his family side.

[surfhb]

Your wife is right to be pissed

[Leialoha1975]

my wife read the post so her feedback word for word:
I am the wife and I would like to add a few background things about the situation.
1, his Mom is taking care of his sister’s two kids full time, Monday to Friday, day and night. His sister does not need to do much house work at all, even no grocery shopping or prepare her own lunch.
And the Mom lives in his only house and we are living in the house I purchased by myself.
2, My husband just started his career and has to work until 9pm at night. He used to work 6 days per week and just changed to 5 days because we really have no time for us at all. Still now, I am the one who is doing most of the housework, without any help from his family side.

Wow. Your wife it writing to the forum through your account...

I agree with what everyone has said about your wife on here. YOU should have helped your family and YOUR wife should have understood. From your post, your helping was for just one night...right? I also love how your wife threw in the "My husband just started his career and has to work until 9pm at night. He used to work 6 days per week and just changed to 5 days because we really have no time for us at all. Still now, I am the one who is doing most of the housework, without any help from his family side" Because if that's true, YOU knew it before you said you would help your SISTER.

Your wife talking and telling you she's mad and then not answer the phone when you try and call her.. is down right CHILDISH. I don't believe for one second that this was a situation that you had to choose your wife over. It's sad that you both can't talk about this when it all started esp. when YOU are the one who agreed to help.

I really hope your sister finds out the truth as to why you cancelled.

[michelle23]

my wife read the post so her feedback word for word:
I am the wife and I would like to add a few background things about the situation.
1, his Mom is taking care of his sister’s two kids full time, Monday to Friday, day and night. His sister does not need to do much house work at all, even no grocery shopping or prepare her own lunch.
And the Mom lives in his only house and we are living in the house I purchased by myself.
2, My husband just started his career and has to work until 9pm at night. He used to work 6 days per week and just changed to 5 days because we really have no time for us at all. Still now, I am the one who is doing most of the housework, without any help from his family side.

So you all have busy lives and quality time isn't easy-i get that but so do me and my bf. We both worked 6 days a week, I was in college part time too, had a house to run etc but we still looked after family occasionally. When you have kids, would you not like family to help out sometimes so you and your husband can spend some time alone together?

[TablesandChairs]

Whether you like to admit it or not, this is an issue of control. I'm not saying it's on purpose, or that it's malicious but it's controlling nonetheless.

You're telling your husband that he can't do something as banal as babysitting his own nieces/nephews 3 times per year. Why? Because you feel his sister has it too easy. But so what? Since when do we pick/choose our families? You mention what his mother does for her own daughter...of course she helps out, she's a grandmother and it probably gives her pleasure and she'd do similarly if you had kids.

I happily babysit my friends' kids from time to time - if they were my own family, they'd be as welcome in my home as they are in their own. And guess what? I work 40 hour weeks and I study. My partner runs a business so his work pretty much never ends.

You put your husband in a yucky position and if I was him, I'd be angry. If you have other issues with him that run deeper - then open up and tell him, don't let contempt trickle its way into all areas until soon enough, you'll be spending that alone time you crave in divorce courts. Silly woman. You're a grown up - his family is his family and your his wife. No doubt he loves you a truck load but why make him choose? Or why put him in uncomfortable and embarrassing positions? Someone who didn't love you would not have bailed last minute and someone as strong willed as me, for example, would have told you to shove it no matter how much I loved you.

[dontaskme]

I still don't understand why you can't see that your wife is plain unreasonable. You need not defend her childish behavior cause your looking foolish doing so.

I think your wife is jealous of what your sister has therefore, she's trying to get back at her by using you and separating you from family.