I'm 27. When I was 21, I fell in love with a guy who I later found out was married. I didn't take it very seriously back then. Knowing he was married was "that" detail that kept me from getting so involved as to later suffer of some sort of disappointment. I wasn't expecting anything out of him. But I liked him, I liked everything about him and knowing him I understood how shockingly deep can affection for someone be. I lived a few years being happy just to know he existed. I felt it was an achievement in itself the fact that I met someone for whom I could feel all those wonderful things. We had a very strong chemistry and everytime we talked or got near one another it was this intense feeling that we belong, we were like two wheels of the same engine, or I don't know how to describe it. It was so intense that I didn't feel the need to act on it, I didn't feel the need to try to "make it happen", because somewhere in my subconscious I was, somehow, although maybe it sounds stupid now, I was sure someday somehow we would be together. Because it seemed like the most natural thing to happen. I was always a passionate person, I had fallen intensely in love with other guys before but never like this and I never felt like someone was RIGHT for me. This guy was.
I didn't want to cause any trouble for him, mostly because I also knew his wife and she was my type of girl too. In fact, we were very much alike and I suppose in other circumstances we would have been very good friends. But I didn't avoid him either, I thought "let things go as they will" because, again, I just had this feeling that something will somehow happen.
The thing did happen. We eventually talked about it and I understood that most if not all the feelings were shared. But I knew he wouldn't leave his wife unless she did. They have some impressive history too and, as I was saying, me and her are very very similar. Weirdly enough this didn't upset me in any way, I was mad at life if anything, for pulling such a joke. I do believe even now that it was just a matter of "who met who first". And the funnier thing is that we found out that we had had the chance of meeting before, some places we both used to go when we were little. But we just never met. It was so funny I guess it just made me want to believe in fate and all that bull.

The expected happened. In about 2 years after we met, he left the country with his wife for a better life. In a way, I was glad it was the right thing to do. But on the other hand I was sad beyond even my understanding. I just hated the way everything turned out. I hated that I had the luck to find this guy in this situation, that life teaches you something, shows it to you, then just laughs and tells you you can't have it. The last time I spoke to him was on my birthday. I still remember how sad that moment was, although then I was happy just to hear him. His voice was sad, he just wished me things and then said goodbye, and we never talked again. I didn't try to contact him again because... it was just obvious.

I was so sad, not the kind of sadness that makes you cry. I didn't cry then, even though I do usually cry when I get heartbroken. I just continued my studies, I got a job, I went on with my life as it was. I tried to get my mind busy, not to think of inconvinient reality. It's been 4 years since he left. And I still didn't manage to even care about any other male. I don't even see the guys around me. I'm simply not interested. I was a very sexual person, I was always obsessing about someone. Now I simply can't get back to it. Sex makes me cry because the feelings are just overwhelmingly depressing. I tried going out with a few guys, couple times. I just couldnt make myself care, although I found them handsome and funny and whatever. I can't feel anything that can compare to even a 10ts portion of what I felt for him and therefore I'm just passive and not interested.

Thing is I'm not actually thinking about him. There was a time when he was around when I couldn't get him off my head even for 1 second the whole day. Now I guess there are even months in a row that I really don't even remember he exists. Then something happens, like yesterday I dreamt that we met again, I woke up very shaken up, having the feeling that it was all real and then getting very frustrated that all those powerful realistic feelings were just a dream. And after this I end up thinking about him a bit and coming back home to cry and feel depressed.

I can't get over him. I am really thinking it's something that will follow me for the whole life. I keel thinking, he's already been the only man for me for 6 years. Even though he never was mine anyway. Even though I havent seen nor spoke to him in 4 years. Even though I'm not even obsessing about him any longer. I need hope that things will get better. I need to believe that there will be a day when I will find someone to actually be with and love that way. Or else my life is just pointless. And I am really worried that somehow all the love I had in me went away with him. It's cliche, but I really feel that.