Long story - need some perspective

[aloneagain1]

<sub>I connected with my High School boyfriend two weeks ago. He actually had been looking for me for over 30 years. He finally found me on Facebook. He called my sister and asked her to give me his phone number and he also messaged me on Facebook. We started texting each other everything was good. He told me about how i have always been in his heart and mind through song and scenery and that I will always have a piece of his heart. When we talked on the phone, he told me he was newly engaged. I was a bit disappointed, and thought why was he still looking for me if he was engaged. I asked him that and he again just said I have always been in his thoughts and had a piece of his heart. So okay, I need to just be his friend.

We started texting every day. We had some intimate moments, talked about sex, and relationships, his kids, my kids, our X's etc. It continued to get very emotional and loving. And I was starting to fall for him. I thought maybe he wasn't really in love with his fiance, but also felt like he was kind of emotionally cheating on her since some of our talks were pretty intense,.

Last night we talked until 1AM about things that were really touching, sharing songs with each other. One song I sent him was exactly how I was feeling about him. He listened to it three times and said it brought tears to his eyes. I told him thats exactly how I feel right now. He said he wanted to just hold me, but he knows that is wrong, but thats how he feels. I told him we should meet soon, he agreed. I said I was starting to fall for him and he said he felt the same, but he doesn't really know me now.

Then he starts to tell me about his bad marriage, how he has been divorced for 8 years and finally found his fiance and was in love with her. He said he would be a selfish prick to end it now. He started to question me about why I never looked for him. That he had been on FB for 5 years and I never saw him. I tried to explain that I was also going through a divorce, etc. But I could feel that he was hurt. Again, I just basically spilled my guts out to him telling him how much I loved him and wished I had never let him go.

But he reminded me that he is in love with his fiance and that he is going to marry her and he hopes this won't affect our friendship. At this point, Im like I cannot be friends with him, its just going to be so difficult to be this close then back up again to the friendzone. So I told him I didn't think I could do that and I need to let go. He said well you do what you have to do, it was great connecting, take care.

So, what I guess I don't understand is why someone who has looked for you basically his whole life, finds you, connects on all levels again but is engage to be married and loves her as much as he does. Why even look? If I was in love with a man, that would not be something I would do. It makes no sense! Maybe he thought we could just be friends, but feelings started again for him and I. Maybe he just looking for validation that he is making the right choice. I just don't know.

I am hurt and sad today. I feel like I am breaking up with someone, even though we weren't together in any sense, but there is lots of memories that resurfaced. I know if I don't let this go, I will not be able to move on and find someone else. Just sad really</sub>

[chris81]

I think you need to move on without this guy in your life. Being involved with him even as a friend will no doubt cause confusion and hurt you. Maybe he's unsure about the choices he's making but that's something he gotta work out for himself. I been in very similar situation myself. Get out there and meet a guy who truly deserves you instead of letting this guy mess with your head. Hope things work out for you

[Wakeup]

My question to you is why would you allow a man that is engaged to be married talk to you in such a disrespectful way to his fiancé? Have you no boundaries? Anyone with personal boundaries would find his behaviour off-putting and would have distanced themselves from him immediately... You? You kept up the inappropriate behaviour and encouraged him to disrespect her even more and you based your lowering of your boundaries on his words without ANY actions to back them up as truths.

He's a cad, a fool, a memory from your past that doesn't measure up in the here and now.

Learn from this and keep yourself away from men who are already committed to someone else... You're better then the piece on the side are you not?

- - - Updated - - -

Go zero contact and if he contacts you in any form in the future, ignore him completely unless his subject line says "I'm single now and would like to take you out to dinner." No more of this online BULL of words without actions. Don't sit around hoping that he'll do such a thing either.

[aloneagain1]

My question to you is why would you allow a man that is engaged to be married talk to you in such a disrespectful way to his fiancé?

You are right. I got sucked in with all the I've loved you for years, you are in my heart and blah blah blah. I see now that I should of stopped it as soon as he told me he was engaged. If I were engaged to be married I certainly would not be saying those things to someone and would not be looking up old boyfriends either.

Have you no boundaries? Anyone with personal boundaries would find his behaviour off-putting and would have distanced themselves from him immediately... You? You kept up the inappropriate behaviour and encouraged him to disrespect her even more and you based your lowering of your boundaries on his words without ANY actions to back them up as truths.

You are so right and thank you for being honest with me, I need to have boundaries here and actions do speak louder then words. No excuses here I deserve better and so does his fiance!

He's a cad, a fool, a memory from your past that doesn't measure up in the here and now. True!

Learn from this and keep yourself away from men who are already committed to someone else... You're better then the piece on the side are you not? Yes I am!!!

- - - Updated - - -

Go zero contact and if he contacts you in any form in the future, ignore him completely unless his subject line says "I'm single now and would like to take you out to dinner." No more of this online BULL of words without actions. Don't sit around hoping that he'll do such a thing either.

I agree. I will also read your response over and over again!

[michelle23]

It was a fantasy, an escape, a delusion, a dream. Whatever you want to call it

30 years ago you were both v different people to who you are now. Just because you shared a connection once-doesn't mean it would or should work now.

It was an emotional affair and you both should be ashamed of yourselves. You have been v disrespectful to his fiance. She doesn't deserve this

You were lonely, recovering from divorce, low confidence etc. He was a distraction and an escape from that. Nothing more

Maybe he was having cold feet or second thoughts or maybe they were going through a rough patch. Again he used you as an escape which was wrong. It shows his immaturity and lack of integrity. Why would you want a guy capable of doing this?

[aloneagain1]

Thank you for this, it is all true.

I was divorced 4 years ago, not recently and have had a boyfriend for 19 months after my divorce. Its been about 4 months since the break up with my BF so maybe that was why it was a fun fantasy. I don't want someone capable of this and now that I have had time to think about it he does lack integrity for sure.

But, I do believe that people who were once in love can find each other again later in life and have a successful relationship. But they both have to be available to do so.

Thanks for your feedback!

It was a fantasy, an escape, a delusion, a dream. Whatever you want to call it

30 years ago you were both v different people to who you are now. Just because you shared a connection once-doesn't mean it would or should work now.

It was an emotional affair and you both should be ashamed of yourselves. You have been v disrespectful to his fiance. She doesn't deserve this

You were lonely, recovering from divorce, low confidence etc. He was a distraction and an escape from that. Nothing more

Maybe he was having cold feet or second thoughts or maybe they were going through a rough patch. Again he used you as an escape which was wrong. It shows his immaturity and lack of integrity. Why would you want a guy capable of doing this?

[aloneagain1]

He sent me a text last night with an apology for taking things to far considering his circumstances. He said that everything he said was true, but he should of kept it to himself.

I have not replied and won't.

[woody]

Smart. To tug at your heart strings while going behind his fiances back to, let's face it, emotionally cheat on her with thoughts of you, well, red flags all round lady.

Hey, I'm sorry you'll be going through all the daydreams of what if's for the next while but I imagine once he's tied that knot, letting him go will become very easy.

And while true, your comment on old loves finding one another after decades can and sometimes does happen, they both need to be free and clear.

Sounds to me like you were that girl that never quite left his heart completely and after all this time he needed to talk to you to find out more, before he jumped fully into marriage to this other lady.
Ouch. WEll that's not easy on you is it? Nor is it fair to this woman.

Silly man.

I wish you luck. Said it before; protect your heart. Sorry your going through this. Sounds rough.

[milk&honey]

I hope you've moved on. You deserve much better.

[Wakeup]

He sent me a text last night with an apology for taking things to far considering his circumstances. He said that everything he said was true, but he should of kept it to himself.

I have not replied and won't.

This just shows you how GD selfish and self-serving he is. He should have kept that text to himself as well.

Please, for your own sanity: Delete his bull shit and then block him so he can't be so self-serving without any empathy for you.

He, is what I call a true ASShole.