Engagement Jealousy

[Hollowfeeling14]

I'd like your advice please.
I have been with my boyfriend 8 years now, we bought a house together last year which was great but no sign of us getting engaged although he knows how much it means to me. Problem is, his sister (who has been dating a guy for 4 months) and is only a year older than me got engaged tonight and although I'm pleased for her im really hurt and upset. How can I not feel like this? We have spoken about getting married and he really does know how much it would mean to me and we are so happy together - why won't he commit fully when other men don't need to think twice about it when they find the one they love...
Seems like the whole world is moving on around me and I'm just staying put now I have the house. Problem is if the choice was there I would have married him over buying a house - and it's not about the wedding - couldn't care less if it was just the 2 of us and a vicar! I love him so much and strongly want that United bond of marriage - this news tonight has really knocked the wind out of me! Sorry for babbling x

[andytownsend]

The best way to handle this is to just talk to him, but talk to him nicely, not as if you're nagging him to get married with you right away. Try to be very casual about it. Good luck!

[TablesandChairs]

It's been 8 years; ask him outright. Tell him it's something you want and something that, after 8 years, you feel he should have an opinion on - either yes or no.

On the positive side - it sounds like aside from the ring situation, you have a good relationship. I do understand you being a bit envious but remember: some relationships end just as quickly as they began and the ring itself is easily pawned off by people who made hasty proposals whilst still in the infatuation/lust stages of their relationship. You have something solid but I'm guessing it feels like a turtle - it gets somewhere but it does so slowly while it looks like the world is passing by at far greater speed...you have no other option but to lay your cards out on the table. Give him some time to ruminate but ultimately, it's been 8 years so his mind should be made up already. It's possible it's not something he prioritises but you do so it merits a discussion.

[TheEvilJester]

You have been together for 8 years. Unless you started dating when you were both 10, or something, I think that is a bit of an unreasonable amount of time to not get engaged, unless for some reason you both just liked things they way they are. Some couples are like that. As TablesandChairs mentioned, though, it sounds like you two otherwise have a great relationship. If things are still so good after 8 years together, that certainly sounds like a relationship worth fighting to keep.

So, I would agree with the advice others gave you above. Just talk to him about it. Do so in a way to show you aren't meaning to just nag him. After all, you don't want to just nag him into asking you. You want him to marry you because he wants to, not just because he knows you want it. At the same time, though, you deserve some kind of answer. You've been together for 8 years. You certainly have a right to know if he at least sees it ever going that way. That isn't a small detail we are talking about there. This is a pretty big deal. Plus, if it is a big enough deal to you, then it is a big enough deal. Good luck.

[dontaskme]

You bought a house a year ago. Could it be possible that he doesn't want or can't afford the extra expense that a wedding would cost so soon after you bought a house?

[Hollowfeeling14]

Thank you all for your comments. 'Don't ask me' I don't think money is the issue - although we've recently bought a house we are quite fortunate enough to earn quite decent salaries and therefore still have some money in savings - and he knows I wouldn't want him spending much anyway. I have spoken calmly to him and we are not a couple who fight a lot anyway - so fingers crossed he heard what I told him. I also wrote a poem yesterday trying to capture how I felt and asked him if he wanted to read it but it was no pressure - I will post the poem on here for you to see - I think it's quite clear what message I'm giving him. We do love each other so much and he always says he adores home life and wishes he didn't have to work so that he could spend more time there - I'm still as besotted about him today as the day I met him and as cheesy as it sounds we really are the best of friends - we are a team and we do work so well together and I think 8 years is testiment to that also. He is 34 and I am 26 by the way - to try and give a bit more insight. Poem coming up next and thank you all again - keep your fingers crossed for me xx

- - - Updated - - -

Poem: My Knight in White Steel

What a day, what a year, I want to scream loud, so you can hear clear.
My silent agony day to day, which passes you by as I won't say,
what I'm feeling right then, right now, right there, the things that matter, how much I care.

The bond of marriage, roots deep and strong, to have and to hold all life long,
till death us do part, and all of those vows, are words and feelings I now have to house.

When will you see my deep desire? For love, for marriage, to take this higher.
For better, for worse, I want it all, to be there to catch you at every fall.
To share each day, with my best mate my lover, and create a life as father and mother.

I struggle to see what's bad in all that, to marry your friend and they marry you back?
Each day you bring joy, which I don't want to lose, but 8 years on and I need you to choose.
Life without me, or live it with me, please make up your mind, and do it quickly.

The walls of my heart were once strong and tough, but with each passing year, thick walls aren't enough.
To stop my heart breaking, from snapping in two, one piece is for me and the other for you.

So please think it through, from the start to the end.
If you love me, step up, come and marry your friend.
I promise a lifetime of laughter, compassion and love,
not only on earth but when we're both up above.

I love you and I always will, My World, My Hero, My Knight in White Steel.

[michelle23]

Maybe hes just against marriage. Did his parents divorce?

[Hollowfeeling14]

Maybe hes just against marriage. Did his parents divorce?

Nope, they are still happily married after a lot of years(they got married young) and he has a very small and close family who he'd go to war for.

[TheEvilJester]

Dagnabbit! I typed u a response and then the site took a crap and it got lost. I hate that! ARGH!

Anyway, that was a beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing that. I am jealous of this guy. I wish I had somebody to write something like that for me.

From what you have stated, it definitely sounds like you two have something worth fighting to keep.

You said that you talked to him about it, but did he give you any answers? At this point you have been patient enough. He needs to be honest with you as to whether he ever sees himself marrying you, and when he may see that being possible. It would also be reasonable of you to want to know why it has taken this long. Maybe he is legitimate reasons, and maybe they are things you two can work on and get through as a team. But, you can't do that if he doesn't share with you. The bottom line is that you can't just wait around forever. If you want the whole marriage and family thing, you deserve to get that. If that isn't what he wants, that is fine, but he needs to be honest with you. If it is what he wants, that what is he waiting for a sign from God or something?

[woody]

Thank you all for your comments. 'Don't ask me' I don't think money is the issue - although we've recently bought a house we are quite fortunate enough to earn quite decent salaries and therefore still have some money in savings - and he knows I wouldn't want him spending much anyway. I have spoken calmly to him and we are not a couple who fight a lot anyway - so fingers crossed he heard what I told him. I also wrote a poem yesterday trying to capture how I felt and asked him if he wanted to read it but it was no pressure - I will post the poem on here for you to see - I think it's quite clear what message I'm giving him. We do love each other so much and he always says he adores home life and wishes he didn't have to work so that he could spend more time there - I'm still as besotted about him today as the day I met him and as cheesy as it sounds we really are the best of friends - we are a team and we do work so well together and I think 8 years is testiment to that also. He is 34 and I am 26 by the way - to try and give a bit more insight. Poem coming up next and thank you all again - keep your fingers crossed for me xx

- - - Updated - - -

Poem: My Knight in White Steel

What a day, what a year, I want to scream loud, so you can hear clear.
My silent agony day to day, which passes you by as I won't say,
what I'm feeling right then, right now, right there, the things that matter, how much I care.

The bond of marriage, roots deep and strong, to have and to hold all life long,
till death us do part, and all of those vows, are words and feelings I now have to house.

When will you see my deep desire? For love, for marriage, to take this higher.
For better, for worse, I want it all, to be there to catch you at every fall.
To share each day, with my best mate my lover, and create a life as father and mother.

I struggle to see what's bad in all that, to marry your friend and they marry you back?
Each day you bring joy, which I don't want to lose, but 8 years on and I need you to choose.
Life without me, or live it with me, please make up your mind, and do it quickly.

The walls of my heart were once strong and tough, but with each passing year, thick walls aren't enough.
To stop my heart breaking, from snapping in two, one piece is for me and the other for you.

So please think it through, from the start to the end.
If you love me, step up, come and marry your friend.
I promise a lifetime of laughter, compassion and love,
not only on earth but when we're both up above.

I love you and I always will, My World, My Hero, My Knight in White Steel.

Beautiful poem there lady!. That's just lovely. I'd totally marry you.

Hey, maybe he feels that your already married. I know, I know, it would be nice to make it official. To stand together before the Vicar and share your vows, your poems to one another. Cosmically. I get it.

8 years is a good spell of time. You've got the house and home dialed, the relationship is great. Will it sting a little with this other couple jumping the gun into the vows so quickly? Yeah. But you must rest in the fact that you two have it going on. You've got this. This bond is already untouchable.

Perhaps your sweetheart is concerned with rocking the boat when your already sailing so well together. Marriages and the statistics that surround them can be a daunting and risky thing especially when two people are already doing so well together.
That whole, if it's not broken, why fix it. Okay, that's the wrong analogy. Um, he already considers you his loving wife; but he must know that making it official is important to you so of course, he's going to want to keep you happy. Has he told you why he has this aversion to making it official?
I'm oh so curious what he'll think of that wonderful poem.

Take things in stride. Don't be jealous of this newbie couple jumping the gun.
Your doing well.

[TheEvilJester]

See, Woody? This is exactly what I was talking about. :-D I could not agree more. You rock the casbah!

Woody brings up a good point as well. It is very possible that, in his mind you are practically married already. So, he may just figure what does it matter if we make it official? I mean, in the grand scheme of things, marriage is just a piece of paper and a bunch of laws. It doesn't actually strengthen, weaken, or change your bond at all.

That said, it is still important to some people, and understandably so. I mean, I for one, wouldn't want to be in a relationship where we weren't assuming it could lead to marriage. I mean, obviously you never known if a relationship will last so you should be ready to rush into marriage every time you are in a relationship. But, if/when I am in a relationship, that should be considered the ultimate goal. So, no matter how much my imaginary dream girl and I are madly in love, I wouldn't want to just be together forever and not make it official.

So, you certainly shouldn't feel bad for wanting that. You also shouldn't feel like you've rushed him. 8 years is a long time to be together. A lot of relationships don't last the long. Sounds like you two have started having the talks about it, so you have made the right first steps. Soon, though, you really need to at least know if you two are on the same page, and know whether or not he sees any kind of timeframe. If it is important to you, then you can't be expected to wait around forever no matter how much you two may seem like a perfect match.

Good luck!