When to let go...

[Justme*]

Please, serious answers from adults only.

I am a mid 30 y/o woman dating a kind, loving man of the same age. We do not live together as we have both went through difficult relationships in the past and were left with disappointment. He and I both stay with family and in the meantime, were going to college (even attending the same campus and having the same class or two). I have since graduated last year (yay!!) but he has not attended since I graduated. He is a sweet, loving person and I know he loves me, but somewhere, I notice a change and he does not seem motivated to progress in life.

We have been dating for 8 years (yeah...almost a decade), and I don't see the motivation in his eyes to want better. When I ask him about re-enrolling in school, he sometimes says "Yeah, I know lady...you don't have to keep reminding me." It has been almost 2 years since he has attended. Also, since we met, he has never really held a stable job. I mean, yes he works but its more like being a bounder at bars, or working at lumbar yards. He has not been on anyone's payroll in who knows how long. This may sound silly, but I often of think of the future. For example, when we reach retirement age, what is he going to do since he has not held steady employment? It will be hard enough to support myself.

At other times, when I mention him finding better employment, he has said (more than once) "Well, if I don't have enough money and I am not what you want, you can find someone else." I think to myself like damn...maybe I don't want someone else, what I want I you.

don't get me wrong, the conversations are not always negative, but I feel I am still waiting on someone who has excuses. I mean, whether he is with me or finds another woman, she will want the same things in life (unless she is a bum who could care less about anything).

Anyway, I have graduated, landed a great job in HR at a health care organization and I need him to do the same. We have talks about the future, like home ownership, kids, marriage, but how is that supposed to happen if he has fallen off track. I don't want to make our relationship about money or status, HOWEVER, being able to progress and become stable is important for single people as well as couples.

I guess what I am saying is...how long do I have to wait until he steps up. A lot can be accomplished in 8 years, but we have nothing to show for it as a couple. It seems as though I am moving forward and he is standing still, being comfortable where he is.
If he was mean, toxic, cold and heartless, this would be a no-brainer. I don't want to walk away if I am being too judgmental, but I am also wondering if this is who he is. I am not sure if this is a sign from the "Man upstairs" letting me know that he is not ready right now to be the man that I need him to be. This is very tough...I am crying right now as I type this forum. My heart aches because I am afraid... I am to the point where I am done talking and I think I need to step back and wait...seeing if he will step up or remain still.

Sometimes, we know what we need to do, its just having the courage to do it. I don't not want to walk away from something good, but I do not want to stay if it will continue to be this way. Your thoughts...

[andytownsend]

This is a very legit situation and happens all the time! Don't me wrong guys, but they are, most of the time, the ones who are not that motivated. It's so difficult to say what you could do but the best way to do it is NOT by telling them, I repeat do not tell these guys what to do. They always take it negatively. If he doesn't earn at all, how does he live? Sometimes guys have to reach rock bottom to really figure out what they want to do.

[dontaskme]

You're not compatible in your life goals. This is a big relationship deal breaker. Ditch the guy and find someone else who has the same goals as you do. Love is not enough for a relationship to survive. It does not bring food on the table, put a roof over your head and make your life a bit easier.

[TablesandChairs]

I can relate. The prospect of leaving an otherwise nice guy after so long is harrowing. I was with my first partner for 7 1/2 years. In that time, we got nowhere while all our friends were getting married, buying houses, having kids. I never really stopped to think about our lack of progress as a couple because I was progressing individually; I'd graduated, I'd gotten a career, I was being sponsored to complete my Masters...but there's only so much you can do alone. My ex changed jobs all the time, perpetually confused about his life path. He'd start something, then quit. I think all in all, he'd started 3 degrees and every time, he'd go back to his kitchen-hand job. I thought...well, he likes being in kitchens, why not take that a step up and go to chef's school? He told me it was a great idea...but never got around to it. The frustrating thing, for me, was knowing he was smart and capable of so much more than cutting up vegetables and washing dishes...but ultimately, it's not our place to change to people. They either want to (in which case, you wouldn't have to push because they'd already be onto it) or you find yourself wasting your breath.

8 years is a long time when you have nothing to show for it; and I'm not talking about a BMW and a mansion - but you guys don't even live together. That, to me, is a sign. Within 15 months of meeting my now husband, we had gotten engaged, bought a house, bought 2 cars and taken an overseas holiday...that wouldn't have happened with my ex in 20 years. Your still young but you don't have the same amount of time at your disposal as you did at 22 so it's time to think about the future and whether your partner is going to be by your side, or lagging far behind. I know the issue is compounded by the fact that he's a decent guy but sometimes, it's not enough to just get along.

[TheEvilJester]

I can absolutely relate to what you are going through. The first thing you need to do is take a step back, take a deep breath, and tell yourself that the feelings you are having are okay. There is NOTHING wrong with you wanting a partner who has some kind of a future, or at the very least the ambition to eventually figure it out.

To be perfectly honest, there's also nothing wrong with his lifestyle if that is what he wants. And there'd be nothing wrong with that as relates to your relationship, IF you were okay with it. You are not okay with it, and you have ever right not to be okay with it.

Here's the other important factor. If I understand your story correctly, when you met and got together, he was working towards some kind of career. College and all that. So, it isn't like you had any reason to believe you'd be in this position some 8 years later. YOU are not the one making this about money. HE is. He is the one who drastically changed his life plans and expected you to just be okay with that.

I really can relate to that. When my now ex-wife and I were first dating, I was in college and she was going to be right behind. She decided she wanted to take a year off before going back for college. Her parents used to complain that if she took a year off she'd never go back. She used to literally get into HEATED arguments with them saying OF COURSE she would go back. As far as I was concerned, the bottom line was I was hoping to have a career where eventually my wife wouldn't HAVE to work, but that was the long term goal. So, I would just want my partner to be AT LEAST be able to help fill in the gaps of money we need until I was able to work up to that point.

So, I didn't really care if she went to college. Heck, if we could work up to it in time and we could afford it, I wouldn't even care if she didn't work at all. I was very upfront about what I wanted out of life. She pretended to be on the same page.

Well.... fast forward a few years later, we are married and all of a sudden she doesn't want to work AT ALL. She decides she is done working for good, nevermind at the time we could barely afford to make ends meet as is. And I was supposed to just magically be okay with this even though I'd always been led to believe we were working towards the same goals in life.

My example may be a bit extreme, but it doesn't sound too far off from yours. The bottom line is, you may otherwise be perfect for each other, but that doesn't mean that something this important magically ceases to be important. You've apparently tried talking to him in a supportive, yet still assertive way, and all he does is give you immature bull crap responses.

I suppose maybe it would be good to start having more serious talks. As best you can, still remain supportive in doing so, but you would be within your rights to start asking if this is just how he sees his life, or if he does want to work towards something. At the same time, try to realize while talking to him that if that is the life he wants, that is okay for him. So, you can't approach it like there is something wrong with him. Yet, that life is not okay for you, so he has to understand that this means that perhaps the two of you are not a match.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, especially after such a long relationship. I know this can be really hard to see when you are in the middle of this, but if it doesn't work out with this guy, it just means your Mr. Right was still out there waiting for you. You WILL find him someday, whether it does turn out to be this chap, or whether it winds up being somebody else. Good luck!