Friends or something more?

[the_earl]

Hello,
first of all, I want to introduce myself: I'm a 33 years old heterosexual man, I'm a shy person, and I have to admit that I never had intimacy with girls. I must clear that I don't feel that thing as something hard to cope with, because I haven't found yet a woman that I was attracted to and that was free or, if free, interested in me. Probably I'm very selective, but not for physical aspect (even though, I have to admit that it has an importance to me), but mainly for character compatibility.

As a result for this "lack of expertise", I have some difficulties opening up and expressing my feelings, both verbally and physically: I hardly do explicit compliments because I think they can be considered insolent, and I don't usually touch people, even if I have a great confidence with them, except the usual hug and kiss on the cheek at the beginning and at the end of a night together, or shaking hands and so...

In the last few months, something happened: I have a female friend that I know since we were school friends.

I know this friend since a very long time, more than 25 years ago. We never saw each other very often, something like once every 6 months. I started seeing back her in this last year more frequently. I also discovered that she left her boyfriend, after 8 years. I have to admit that I always found her very attractive, but the big problem is that I find myself very very well temperamentally with her and as a friend. I don't have many female friends, but she's the one with which I have more affinity. Like me, she's shy and stays much on her own.

After a few months going out together, sometimes with a couple of friends, and sometimes between us two, I confessed to her (I have to admit in a very clumsy way) after an evening together, that I like her. Her reaction was surprised and embarassed, but not horrified... Well, she told me something like "I'm sorry but I consider you a good friend"... Now I don't recall the exact words, my memory was never good, and honestly I was a little bit stunned...

Few days after my "confession", I wrote to her an email in which I told her that I was worried for the embarassing end of the evening, but that I didn't want to keep that weight on me anymore, that it was a period of my life in which I was trying to be more clear about my very own desires (and that's true), and also I told her that I didn't want to give up on our friendship, but that this couldn't depend on me alone.
She answered me telling that I wouldn't have to worry about the embarassement, and that it was caused more by her surprise... and that she wouldn't have to have appeared too rude or too direct in her reply, and that she hoped that it wouldn't be too difficult to me to be her friend, and that if it wouldn't there were no reasons in going on like we always did, but that if her presence was making me feel bad, that she would have understood my need for time.

Well, after that there were summer holydays but we kept in touch (brief contacts, but we're both made that way...) we went out together another 3-4 times together, always us two alone. It was always me asking her out and, even if sometimes there was supposed to be a female friend of us with us, it was always the two of us. I asked her out using as a pretext my need of suggestions about small sentimental issues I was having, and she was always helpful. One of these evenings, it was raining a bit, and she put her arm under mine, to stay under the umbrella. I know her quite well, and I know that this is something very unusual of her... but I understand that this could very well me just daydreaming...

Now, my problem is that I don't know if my gut feelings are right, but I am not very sure that she's totally not interested in me, and I would like some suggestions about how to "test the waters"...
For example, should I touch her "innocently" more, like on the shoulders and so when we're out together? But that's something unusual for me, could she feel it as a forced behaviour by me?
Or any other suggestions?
Please feel free to tell me anyhting that you think that can be useful.
Thanks.

[woody]

Okay, well, I feel for you and respect that you have waited until genuine feelings of attraction occurred naturally.
Next, this lady has already told you she thinks of you as a friend. Only you'll know if this changes over time into something more but right now, she's already told you how she feels about you; the last thing you'd want to do is rock the boat too much and push her away. If she begins to sense that your feeling and or wanting more than the friendship vibe, she may bolt. It would be sad to lose a good friend because of confusion.
I'd say, keep the friendship safe. It could lead to other things, eventually; but you must allow things to happen naturally.
Only you and her will know what's going on in the ol heart department...
and the good news is, your getting out more and you have a good new friend. very cool. May you both treat one another well

[TheEvilJester]

I agree completely with Woody. This friend of yours has already made it clear she only sees you as a friend. I am not going to say that can never change, but the truth is it usually does not.

So, I suppose the question you need to ask yourself is can you see remaining just friends with her? By remaining friends with her, are you really just waiting around hoping that she will change her mind? If so, then you are not leaving yourself open to finding other women. Because if she is not interested in you as more than friends, somebody else will be.

On the other hand, if you can see remaining just friends with her, and you can still keep your eyes out and your heart open to finding your true soul mate elsewhere, then why not keep her as a friend? True friends are a rarity in this world. When you find a good one, they are somebody worth keeping no matter their gender. A lot of folks seem to think men and women shouldn't really be friends. I am NOT one of those people. Some of the best friends I have ever had, and currently have, are female, and I would do anything for them because they are good people and good friends.

Maybe in time your relationship will become more, but you just can't put your own life on hold hoping that it does. Good luck, my friend.

[andytownsend]

I agree with everyone who commented earlier. Your vibes about her slowly falling for you is just your opinion. Nothing really tangible. I think you have found a really good friend so focus on being a good friend too. Don't limit yourself to be going out with just her, trying going up with other girls, to meet other people. This way, you don't pressure her to fall in love with you and maybe, just maybe, when she she's how great a guy you are she will really fall in love with you. Goodluck!

[the_earl]

Thank you all for your replies.

Okay, well, I feel for you and respect that you have waited until genuine feelings of attraction occurred naturally.
Next, this lady has already told you she thinks of you as a friend. Only you'll know if this changes over time into something more but right now, she's already told you how she feels about you; the last thing you'd want to do is rock the boat too much and push her away. If she begins to sense that your feeling and or wanting more than the friendship vibe, she may bolt. It would be sad to lose a good friend because of confusion.
I'd say, keep the friendship safe. It could lead to other things, eventually; but you must allow things to happen naturally.
Only you and her will know what's going on in the ol heart department...
and the good news is, your getting out more and you have a good new friend. very cool. May you both treat one another well

You are right, she told me that she consider me a friend, but there's this voice inside me that says: "What if she told that because you were clumsy and didn't show your intention clearly?" I know that I didn't, and I can see that if she was taken by surprise, she would have chosen that path...
However, I'm well aware that this situation has great chances of leading nowhere, but I don't like to leave something unattempted with her, and that's why I came here asking for suggestions about how to test the waters "innocently", obviously without rocking the boat, and I assure that I'm not a person that makes dramatic moves with extreme consequences.
Your suggestion about being patient, for example, is good, and I think I'll keep to that.

I agree completely with Woody. This friend of yours has already made it clear she only sees you as a friend. I am not going to say that can never change, but the truth is it usually does not.

So, I suppose the question you need to ask yourself is can you see remaining just friends with her? By remaining friends with her, are you really just waiting around hoping that she will change her mind? If so, then you are not leaving yourself open to finding other women. Because if she is not interested in you as more than friends, somebody else will be.

On the other hand, if you can see remaining just friends with her, and you can still keep your eyes out and your heart open to finding your true soul mate elsewhere, then why not keep her as a friend? True friends are a rarity in this world. When you find a good one, they are somebody worth keeping no matter their gender. A lot of folks seem to think men and women shouldn't really be friends. I am NOT one of those people. Some of the best friends I have ever had, and currently have, are female, and I would do anything for them because they are good people and good friends.

Maybe in time your relationship will become more, but you just can't put your own life on hold hoping that it does. Good luck, my friend.

No problems about that. I know that very probably I have nothing to expect, and if in the meantime I should find a girl that I like, I'll not loose the opportunity.

I agree with everyone who commented earlier. Your vibes about her slowly falling for you is just your opinion. Nothing really tangible. I think you have found a really good friend so focus on being a good friend too. Don't limit yourself to be going out with just her, trying going up with other girls, to meet other people. This way, you don't pressure her to fall in love with you and maybe, just maybe, when she she's how great a guy you are she will really fall in love with you. Goodluck!

I know that these vibes are probably just my opinion. About going out with other girls, it's a little bit problematic... Many of the other women that I know of my age are either in a relationship or married... For the rest, I am a talkative and funny person, with many interests and many friends, but I'm a very shy person with the other sex... I'm also not the kind of guy who walks to an unkown girl and asks her out, also because before being interested in a girl, I need to talk to her and know her, at least a bit.

[TheEvilJester]

I definitely hear you there, my friend. I'm also not your typical "numbers game" kind of guy. I don't believe in just hitting on anything with a pulse and at least a vaguely female form like so many men. In order for me to be interested in a girl, I need to actually know her somewhat. To me, physical attraction alone isn't enough. I mean, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a girl with whom I wouldn't even be friends. In other words, we don't have to be practically carbon copies of each other, but we should at least have stuff in common. It should be somebody who, if we weren't dating, we would probably be friends.

So, what do guys like us do when there isn't really anybody in our current circle of people? In this day and age... online dating. .....Yeah. Ever try online dating? It's a joke. Very few people take it the least bit seriously. I've been lucky enough to get a few dates here and there, but they never amounted to anything.

I haven't given up on it, but I'm certainly not that enthused by it anymore. The best thing, though, is I've lately felt really happy just within myself. That's always been a struggle for me, so it is really awesome that I am able to say that. So, if somebody comes along, they come along. If not, I think I am pretty darn awesome anyway. And that is a big deal that I can say that, so I don't care how that sounds. :-D

....How the Hell do I get myself off on these crazy tangents? Anyways, basically I feel your pain there. It is hard to meet new people when you are an adult, much less find a love interest.