Age Gap

[Sabbi696]

I met this guy on an online dating site..his profile said he was 35, I'm 24..whatever no big deal to me..we started hanging out and we really hit it off. So a little further down the road, he told me that he was really 42..and the reason he lied about his age was because he does want a younger woman..and that he just doesn't find his age of women appealing and he didn't think a younger woman would look his way if he told them he was 42. I wasn't really upset that he lied about his age..because I can understand. He doesn't look or act 42 at all, I mean he is mature..but he is young at heart which I like. We have a lot in common and as much as I didn't think I would be dating someone who is that age, I really would like to pursue things with him. He treats me really well..and knows how to make me laugh.

I'm just not sure how to break the news to my family..my dad is 48, so I could definitely see him flipping out. I really want them to like him..and honestly I think they would if they were able to give him a fair chance. Trust me, I understand the concern here. I know deep down my family wants me to be happy..so I really hope they will be supportive. I've thought about having them meet him first before really letting the age thing out..I just don't know.

Before you say, yes but he lied...yea he did, but I don't think he did it to hurt me. I can see where he's coming with lacking self esteem in that area I've had self esteem issues..I've never lied about it..but it's kinda like..when you meet someone online, who might be a few extra pounds more than their pic, but if you hit off it doesn't really matter. If he would have lied about anything else, I would not be even remotely interested in him anymore.

[TablesandChairs]

Depends. If you can accept the age and the lie, fine.

I'd be wondering what else he was lying about, though.

[aprilshowers]

It is up to you if you are happy and love him and feel loved it is not up to your parents. I do not think age gaps are a bad thing. If you feel a connection to someone that is great. The only thing that I would clear up is if you guys stay together that he would not in 20 years be again looking for a younger woman. Sorry to sound so paranoid but that is honestly what went through my head.

[vashti]

Oh, please. This doesn't have anything to do with women that are age-appropriate being unattractive... you surely can't say there aren't any attractive women in their 30s. There is something else going on here, not the least of which is that you are willing to make/accept excuses for why he lies. I doubt a woman who is more age-appropriate would do that, and yes, your parents will freak out. I do not recommend you surprise them with the truth later... it will only add fuel to the fire.

[TablesandChairs]

Vashti might be right; you might be naive to some of the games these guys play online. A lot of older guys change their age to appeal to the younger women (it also makes their profiles visible to those who set the age limit at 35, for example, which is more likely when women are say...25. So, you might set is at 'between 25-35'.

Younger women are also easier to 'handle' - you might think of yourself as mature and by all means, you might be - but maturity and experience are two different things. I've been there/done that and the older men who were interested in me when I was early-mid 20's were after a) sex and b) someone who wouldn't ask too many questions. One of these guys was married but at the time, I saw nothing wrong with not being invited over to his house because 'my grumpy old dad lives with me and I don't want him to make you uncomfortable'. 'Oh ok', I said. 'I don't mind'. Fast forward a few years later and I can smell that right miles away.

Just keep your wits about you. If he's genuine, you'll know.

[dontaskme]

18 years age gap is way too much. He is too old for you, before you know it, you will find yourself changing his diapers!

Fast forward your thoughts 18 years from now, Just imagine when you are only 42, at the peak of your life, career and travel, he'll be 60 and thinking of retirement and probably smells like an old man.

You need to get real here, this is a May to December romance.

[vashti]

Younger women are also easier to 'handle' -

Yes... they have lower expectations. I had a man ask me out who was in his 40s. He told me he usually dates younger women because those his age are too "materialistic". This guy house-sits and dog-walks for a living. Seriously! Those were jobs my daughter was doing when she was 12.

[TheEvilJester]

I would definitely agree with the majority. Even if the age difference doesn't bother you, even if the fact that he lied about it isn't a deal-breaker for you, it should still be a huge red flag. If he was truly sincere about wanting to date younger women, he would be honest up front about his age and just hope for younger women who are open to the age difference. Otherwise, he'd be likely to often hit a dead end when the women learned his real age.

Not only that, but it isn't like he lied about his age by a year or two. That would be bad enough, but at least that is in the ballpark. He lied by 7 years. That is almost a decade. That is a pretty big difference. If he could lie so majorly about something like that, what else could be be lying about in addition to that?

So, if you are okay with the age difference, and even can understand why he lied, then fine. In that case, maybe you don't necessarily need to end things right away. But, at least proceed with caution. Be wary of other potential red flags. If things work out, then great. You just don't want to let your guard down too easily.

I would also agree that, if it does become serious enough that you want to introduce him to your family, be honest with them up front. BEFORE you bring him along, let them know about the situation. Let them know you met a guy, let them know his age. Let them know that you are aware of the concerns they will have and you even had them yourself, but he is a good guy and that is what really matters. They may very well need time to adjust to the idea, so not a good idea to drop that on them WHEN they are first meeting him.

Good luck!

[surfhb]

Generally speaking, men his age who date women your age have some kind of major problem.....period

[purple_roses]

I think your making excuses for him. He lied about 7 years. Not a couple years, SEVEN. That's a lot. Starting a relationship based off a lie will really come back to you somehow trust me. People online are hard to trust to begin with, let alone lying about 7 years off their age.
There's no easy way to tell your parents. I mean u are 24 so u don't have to tell them, u have that right. Tell them he is older and leave it at that.

[dontaskme]

You need to tell your parents, they're not naive and no point in keeping it a secret. Your father is only 6 years older than this guy. There's no way in hell that he won't figure out that this lying douchebag is in his forties.

[pseudosooz]

Sabbi, HALT! Take a moment. Think.

Date this guy if you want, but do yourself a favor and do not introduce him to your parents. (At least until you know that he's 'the one') Here's why: Because imagine what life is like AFTER you two break up and what you're left with is your parents who think you make terrible choices when it comes to men. Trust me, trust me, trust me... These extreme relationships are hard to live down in your parents eyes, and your relationship with your parents is likely to outlive your relationship with this guy. Hell, Your parents are likely to outlive this guy.
Good Luck!

[dontaskme]

Sabbi, HALT! Take a moment. Think.

Date this guy if you want, but do yourself a favor and do not introduce him to your parents. (At least until you know that he's 'the one') Here's why: Because imagine what life is like AFTER you two break up and what you're left with is your parents who think you make terrible choices when it comes to men. Trust me, trust me, trust me... These extreme relationships are hard to live down in your parents eyes, and your relationship with your parents is likely to outlive your relationship with this guy. Hell, Your parents are likely to outlive this guy.
Good Luck!

^^^ I disagree, tell your parents that you are dating a father figure so they can watch you like a hawk, cause when you are going out with a scumbag, you need all the guidance you can get from people who actually care about you!

[TablesandChairs]

A lot of what we say is based on assumption - we don't know the guy. But some of us have the experience to know that certain guys who lie about their age on-line aren't unique - they're not doing anything previously unheard of - they lie so they can be visible to younger women. There is nothing unattractive or 'old' looking about a woman 30-35, for example. She would still be well younger than him...she just wouldn't be young enough to be his kid.

You're young and if you want to waste some time, have an experience and so forth - go for it. But you'd be naive to think this has long-term potential. And I think you may discover that his age wasn't the only lie...I mean, why go into something on false pretences to begin with? His intention was to deceive from the get-go. It's an ugly way to start anything.

Do what you need to do but perhaps hold off from introducing everyone including the family dog to him...it might not be what you want to hear but your parents would be totally normal in reacting less than positively. I'm 30 - if I bought a 50 year old man home, for example - my parents would be shocked. They'd say 'Have you thought about what happens when you're 38 and he's nearing 60? Are you still going to be keen?' and that would be a legitimate concern. Don't dismiss the opinions of people who a) care about you and b) have been on this planet for long enough to know what a rat smells like - even if he's wearing cologne.

[Incognito030707]

The age issue isn't that big a deal as long as you understand the difference in where you two [will] be years down the road. Some people are cool with that, but you have to be honest with yourself. Yes he lied, and I think that is a red flag, but more important is how long you two talked online and dated in person before he told you the truth. How long was it? What were the circumstances? I suspect he told you the truth [after] he knew you had fallen for him, which means his plan worked since you seem to be fine with the lie.

Oh and HEEEEEYYYYYY Vashti! Once I can send PMs I will drop you a message. My name is different (obviously, lol), but we talked a lot before Waffle took over my profile, banned me, and banned my IP. But I'm back