Unable/afraid to show her affection?

[Moonwalker1982]

Hi all,

I will try to keep this as short as possible. I am a 32 year old guy and if i have to be honest...not since Valentines Day 2008 (when my girlfriend broke up with me) i've had a serious relationship and to be even more honest...cause i am not ashamed of it, i have barely been busy with the dating game as well.

So early last year via a friend i got to meet a female friend of his, we started hanging out now and then and pretty soon i noticed that i liked her in that 'special' way, so i simply told her that. She told me she'd rather first get to know me and then we'll see. Fair enough, right? But as the months went by, eventually we started hanging out more. You know, she coming to my place, a bit of talking, some dinner, movie or a game of Mario and it was her that most of the time called me or messaged me to hang out. And while at first in the beginning it was like...we'd hang out once in a few months, it soon became once every month and now it's once every week or more.

So in July this year i spoke about my feelings for her again, while it is not that i am in love with her heed over heels, there IS something more. Basically i'm definitely interested in more, you know...more coziness if you will, cuddling, just more closer to eachother. She said the same that she wasn't in love with me head over heels, but that she definitely did wanted to give this a shot...give us a shot. So we went on a few dates, you know, pool, dinner, movie at home or cinema. A few times now we simply openly spoke about it, multiple times i've told her i definitely really like her but that this whole thing has been such a long time ago for me....that i had somewhat difficulties in showing her affection. She messaged me and said, look...you did just now say those things, that's also affection and it's nice for me to hear that. Who knows in the future things go easier for you when it comes to this.

Since July up till now there has also been plenty of flirting on the phone messenger. You know...kissy icons, those are not things 'just friends' send eachother in my book. Not only that, also voice clips of her where she'd go ''Sweet (my name), thank you for a wonderful day..etc''. Or out of the blue she'd send a picture of herself with her hair loose and i'd then reply back on how good she looks with the hair looks, i even said it looked sexy, etc. So it definitely seems that the interest is mutual, but the problem is....neither of us is making a move. I am the guy and i must make the first move, i realize that, but for some reason i have so much difficulties with showing her some affection. The thought of cuddling with her, or holding her while watching movies at home or the cinema sounds like the best thing ever to me...so WHY do i keep postponing it? I still act like a good friend with her, i've yet to do something unexpected like simply putting my arm around her when watching a movie. I do keep telling myself 'Dude....you got nothing to lose. She'll probably actually really like it if you hold her'' But after a nice cinema night or at my place or hers...i end up doing....zero.

Maybe it's because i don't really get the feeling that she's into me like that, maybe she's also not too good at showing that. Except for certain looks she has given me. And again, all that flirting (it clearly is in my opinion) has to mean something. She probably is waiting for me to make a move. It's also that we as good friends are anything but physical, we are not very touchy at all, platonic is the right word? So the thought of going further than just this, it feels somewhat unusual. And i hate it that i feel like that, cause again....i really really do want us to be more. Is there any advice people can give me here?

[michelle23]

Basics first. Just hold her hand the next time your watching a film. If she is happy to hold your hand, its a good sign so cuddle her. Once you do it once, you will get over your anxiety. Your just afraid of rejection.

But you really do need to step up here. Youve been dating for months. You have to show more interest or she will start to see you as just a friend.. so start off with something simple and set it as a goal like "I must hold her hand tonight".

Then you need to stop being so passive aggressive with the "I have feelings but im not in love" BS.. im not saying you should tell her you love her but say your really into her and want this to be more solid instead of being so tense acting like it doesnt matter either way. Again fear of rejection coz it DOES matter or else you wouldn't be here.

You just have to say what you mean and let your actions back it up. If she does reject you, its a good thing coz it will stop you wasting months on nothing. Id rather no if someones not interested then waste ages of my precious time on some loser who doesnt have the balls to tell me hes not interested.. same goes for someone who doesnt have the balls to tell me he is.

Women are used to getting attention and plenty of it. She likes you coz your different, you have self respect, respect for women, your not just looking to get in her pants.. she sees you as bf material so you have gained her trust. Now you need to take the next step or she will friendzone you. Again, shes used to getting attention and now she expects it from you too

[pseudosooz]

If you're looking for a root cause, it's simple: Fear of Rejection. (which is 100% NORMAL). Get her over to your place and make this your mantra 'No Guts, No Glory'.
Michele 23 and I both agree that you sound like a pretty chill guy and probably deserving of the chance at a little physical human contact, so give yourself that chance! It's been too long! Life's short, damnit!
Good Luck!

[Moonwalker1982]

Hi there, first of all thanks both of you for the advice. There were a few things i forgot to mention, but nonetheless probably quite important things.

When i still had a girlfriend, or you know when we first met...a spark happened or however you call it. It was easy to see that we were attracted to eachother and we were also quite physical pretty early on. The big difference is, in that situation we didn't become friends first...it was love at first sight pretty much. With this young lady now i've been friends for a while now, and mostly through the phone messenger we have been flirting and acting...affectionate i guess. In person very little has happened. So judging by the phone messenger messages and things she has sent me, there seems to be more, but just like me, she really doesn't show it in person. I am sure that because of that it makes it extra hard for me to get into that....vibe i guess. But i know i know...i've nothing to lose and i must take the 'lead'. But there is more....

It's clear that i have talked too much about my feelings with her, i now fully realize that i should have only mentioned it once and from there actually show it, but what's done is done. I said that i met her via a friend, right? That friend has a girlfriend and after a while she thought it was a good idea to interfere with us, so kinda get in between us and 'interrogate' the lady i like about me. From now on i'll call the interfering girl, Girl 1 and the girl i like Girl 2, otherwise i'll become confusing. So on one day Girl 1 came to my house and she said ''I know it's not my business, but i spoke to her, i interrogated her about what she would do if you were to make a move.'' And she claimed that the girl i like had said she would not like that and that we should simply stay friends. I thought this was weird, cause with all the flirting and what we had spoken about was clearly an indication for more than friendship.

At first i didn't want to mention this to the girl i like, just forget about it. But it kept messing with my mind so i decided to talk about it and she was shocked to hear this. Said she had never said this and that she didn't understand why the other girl would do that, lie like that and stuff. So we just decided to continue on and see where we'll get. More and more of this stuff happened and Girl 1 kept interfering and interrogating her and all that, while i had never asked her to get in between us, i am like...mind your own business.

But then after a while when the girl i like had celebrated her birthday at my house, cause it wasn't possible in her place, i noticed that her bag of presents was still here. So i decided to do something fun...i got onto the messenger and said...''Silly, you forgot your presents and you know what they say, finders keepers. But i am willing to trade, a little kiss for the bag of presents. While i basically meant this as a joke, a tease i guess, she took it too seriously and said she'd rather not kiss yet. Kissing already meant for her that things go too fast. I then said i was merely teasing but that i still wouldn't mind it though, but that i of course respect her decision.

A few days later i receive a message on the messenger where she says it's probably better to just stay friends with no expectations and hopes for more. She simply wasn't ready for a full romantic relationship. She said that if those annoying things with girl 1 had not happened, things would have probably gone different between the two of us. She said she believes we can have a great time together but that for the time being it just wasn't possible with a rather busy daily life when it comes to work and school for her.

I then said....look first of all i wasn't necessarily looking for a full romantic relationship yet. If it comes to that, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Things like that need to build up, first we;ll find out if 'us' can work. I was more looking for more intimacy with you, simply cuddling, more coziness, and we'll see from there how it goes. I know...maybe i shouldn;t have said all that, but i did. She said we can definitely do that, being more close to eachother, cuddling, holding, but no kissing. The next time she came to my place i decided to talk some more about it, cause i did not understand this turn of events. She then told me the biggest reason she had told me that on the messenger was because she did not want to get in between me and my two friends. They were friends of hers too, but i was already hanging around with the two before she was introduced. She said there was no guarantee the girl wouldn't start to interfere again and she just did not want that, she did not want to get in between me and my two 'friends'. I told her it was not her fault and that the other girl was 100% to blame for that. I also said it would be a shame if we can't become more just because of that annoying girl. As for the being more close to eachother and becoming more than friends...she again said we can still do that and that right now we are still good friends and if it becomes more.....what happens, happens.

I honestly at that time did not have much expectations anymore. It seemed like she didn't exactly know what she wanted. But it was after all this that she'd send me audio clips calling me sweet and thanking me for a great time. Kissy icons out of the blue or telling me to text her as soon as i came home after i had spend time at her place. If i have to be honest here, i wouldn;t even mind if we don't kiss yet. I just want more intimacy and it seems that there is more for her than just friendship too...cause friends don't send eachother such things if you ask me. Either way...i just wanted to mention these things. She also has been through a lot, she once had a boyfriend that had hit her once very hard and also liked to pinch her, yeah...quite sick really. She also suffers from psychosis and has medicine for this. Has been in a sort of clinic for three years or so, but she's doing better and better now. But i do think all those things have changed her. She's anything but a very physical person and is also very quiet. I truly do care about her and i hope the best for her, i just wish i could stop being such a wuss and geez....do something 'just a good friend' wouldn't do.

I have to be honest, i am more and more thinking about talking to a professional about this. Someone on another similar forum said i might have PTSD. Either way, if you guys got any more advice, shoot! I apreciate it a lot.

[michelle23]

I think at this point she could be wasting your time. You need to tell her what you want and ask what she wants. Tell her you would prefer to know if shes not romantically interested as you really don't need another friend. Your looking for more and you feel this is dragging out too long. Say it in nice way but be clear coz this is all too wishy washy and going nowhere. Just ask her for honesty coz it sounds like she already said she just wants to be friends in a very passive way. Honestly if it were me I would have given up by now. If theres no real chemistry then whats the point?

[Moonwalker1982]

You have a good point there. But there are a few things i don't understand, when it comes to her i mean. She knows about my feelings for her, i have told her that multiple times (too many times for sure, i realize that now) while knowing that, she'd still send me flirty kissy icons, photos of herself if she only wants friendship? I know her and she's not the kind of person to do that kind of stuff on purpose when she not really means it. I will think about what to do next. We always meet up on mondays, so i have some nice time to think things through. I feel that i have discussed enough with her and it's best if i just find out how she reacts if i were to do more. I agree though, i must stop wasting time.

[michelle23]

Those kissy things mean nothing. I had a close male friend years ago who would text me that stuff and I had no interest in him romantically or sexually. At the time u was too young and immature to realize it meant something so would respond with smiley faces and xx etc but to me we were just friends..

You need to ask her straight

[moneyspills]

You just have to say what you mean and let your actions back it up. If she does reject you, its a good thing coz it will stop you wasting months on nothing. Id rather no if someones not interested then waste ages of my precious time on some loser who doesnt have the balls to tell me hes not interested.. same goes for someone who doesnt have the balls to tell me he is.




[url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-H6F-7Ikxz8]How to Attract Your Ex Girlfriend Back[/url]

[Incognito030707]

Normally I read all the other responses to an OPs thread, but I can't help saying that you are friend-zoning yourself... All jokes aside, its really quite amazing, I've never heard of a situation where a dude has friend-zoned [himself], but you are well on your way. Bite the bullet and at least put your arm around her.

[TablesandChairs]

People don't talk about their feelings and intentions ad nauseum - you are two single adults who have known each other for the better part of a year...it just happens. The fact that it hasn't indicates a lack of chemistry, interest, motivation (or all three). How long do either of you need? You never get to a point where you're 100% ready for a relationship - you take the plunge and do your best. If it hasn't happened by now, I'm inclined to think you're both flogging a dead horse...and having discussions about relationships when you two haven't even kissed/been intimate or anything of the sort seems redundant. You're sitting on the sand wondering if the water is warm enough to swim in...but without testing it out, you will never know.

[Moonwalker1982]

Hi all,

Thanks all for the comments, i appreciate it a lot.

I am gonna cut to the chase, i saw her today. I went to her place, had dinner, talked a little and watched a movie. I also...made my move. But well......i don't know. I'll explain.

We started watching a movie and unexpectedly she briefly touched/stroked my shirt and she said ''Cool shirt.''. Now she's really not a very touchy/physical person, at least not when she's with me. But i guess this doesn't have to mean anything.

So a bit later on in the movie and she had a blanket on her cause she was cold, she asks me if i was cold. I said nah, but i can keep you a little extra warm. I then moved closer and put my arm around her. While i did this she answered with a soft voice that she had a blanket. Something along those lines, can't exactly remember it. I think i am probably over analyzing things now...a habit i want to get rid of.

From there on we just sat there like that for a while. I honestly cannot say if she truly liked this. It would have been the best if she had let her head rest on my shoulds or something to show affection, cause what i was doing was showing affection for the first time. But nothing like that. It could be anything. Like i said before...she has given me 'signs' , you know, flirty messages on the messenger, photos, voice clips, kissy icons. In person she'd sometimes look at me in a certain way...all kinds of things 'just friends' don't do in my book.

I am done talking about feelings, cause she's well aware of my feelings for her by now. I will just continue on like this for a while, but if nothing is really going to happen on her part, soon i will move on. I know i have to.