I need advice

[Ivanna0608]

I am 42, married for 20 years, have a 21 year old. And..I am about 4 weeks pregnant to my 1st love-who I have been having an affair with for the past 8 months. I am at a loss as to what to do. I met and fell in love with him when we were 16. We were both young and immature. Ended up moving on to other things. Both got married to other people and had children. Then we reunited 15 years later and the feelings were still there. We were both in unhappy marriages, both married for the wrong reasons. Me-because I grew up in a abusive home and just wanted a normal, stable family. I was never in love with my husband. I love him....but more of a caring love. My husband had 3 affairs before I had my affair. I felt worthless, fat, ugly. My 1st love made me feel beautiful again. I knew it was wrong. His wife found out, I told my husband...and..it was over. Flash forward 4 years later and we once again-reunited. He tells me he will never leave his wife because he loves her. I find this hard to imagine because if you love her-why cheat? He says it is not about the sex-he has sex with her, too. He tells me he loves me just as much as he loves her. He has no idea I am pregnant, but if he did, he would be very mad. So, what do I do?? I cannot afford to live on my own. I will lose everything if I tell my husband. Abortion is not something I ever believed in, but i think it has be an option. I am 42-which means-complications. I know my ex would not leave her and she wont leave him either-even if she knew about this. What do i do? I have no one to talk to...no one wants to hear about a "homewrecker"....know what I mean? I am so scared....dont know what to do. And..no...the baby is not my husband's...we rarely have sex. 100% certain it is the ex's. Please don't judge me...it is very difficult to be in love with someone you should not be in love with....

[MasterG]

Ivanna, I'm Greg, a relationship expert and licensed professional counselor in Michigan. This is a sticky situation, but you know that. I would want you to look at options and if you think keeping the baby is in your best interest. I know about the emotional turmoils involved. You noted your ex will not leave his wife, etc... Then you need to seriously look at choices and options regarding the baby and what would be best for yourself, now, a year from now, 5 years, etc..

Outside the baby situation, if you are unhappy with your marriage, what is keeping you there? What attempts have you both made to increase the connections and happiness in your marriage? Having an affair typically means your needs were not being met! Most affairs occur because a person is not feeling loved, respected, desired, important, of that the other partner doesn't get you/them. Often it is a combination of these that lead to affairs....

Exploring these elements with your husband may help if you want to preserve your marriage. If not and your gut is telling you it will never work, then you need to assess if staying as a martyr is healthy for you.

I often asked many couples: "If they would like their children to have the type of marriage that they have?" The answer is often no... So, what can be done to have a marriage you would be proud if your children had the same? Or if not, then decision need to be assessed. Each marriage and relationship is different.. What works for one marriage, may not be healthy for another.. It's not about judging or comparing with other relationships...it's about what makes you and your marriage happy.. If nothing can do that, then....

Greg Dudzinski, MS, LPC
the art of relationships dot guru
Facebook: The Art of Relationships

[dontaskme]

You need to give us more information. Like what the other poster asked, if you are unhappy with your marriage, what's stopping you from leaving your husband? Is it financial reason? Do you work? If you do and you left him, will you be able to support yourself and your children? Are you staying with him for your children's sake? How old are your kids?

Now, if you are unable to financially support yourself and decide to keep the pregnancy, how will your husband react if he found out that the child is not his? If he divorced you, how will you manage to take care of yourself and your children?

I know it's too late to say this, but next time you decide to jump the gun, make sure you have a back up plan, otherwise, you need to think ahead before acting on your emotions, specially that children are involved plus another family is also affected.

Think about your decisions carefully and consider all the consequences of all your actions.

[Wakeup]

You're codependent beyond reason. Have an abortion and then get councelling for your low self-esteem. Contrary to what the "good" doctor above has to say, people who are not codependent LEAVE A MARRIAGE they are not happy in.. they don't have affairs. Nor do they blame their partner for their affair by inforcing ideas like he wasn't doing something right so I did something wrong. People with good self-esteem, good personal boundaries in place simply just leave an relationship that is not fulfilling. At best, they get couples councelling before they resort to an affair and if the therapy doesn't help then they leave. Those are the people with good self-worth, personal boundaries in place and a good sense of romantic boundaries that are in place to avoid such goings on.

If you're looking for permission to terminate the pregnancy then you have mine. BUT you need the therapy that will help you through that and get you in control of your codependency, shame, heart ache (from him not leaving his wife) and all the other crap that is consisting of this shit-storm you've created for yourself.

Google "Codependency" and "The Importance of Personal Boundaries" and start reading there... Call your doctor first and make the arrangements.

[michelle23]

You came from an abusive home so you have never learned to value yourself, set high standards, have self respect, boundaries, good taste in men etc etc the list goes on...

At 42 do you want to keep carrying this dysfunction forward and sabotage your own kids futures by not teaching them the same things your parents didn't teach you? Why are you showing them its okay to stay in a dead marriage with a man who has always been unfaithful and emotionally abusive? You are their role model.. and then to have your own affair and mess with someone elses marriage coz you dont have the balls to leave your own??

This man doesn't love his wife or you. People in loving, healthy relationships don't cheat, lie, live double lives and betray their partner and children like that.. and even if he did leave her-you would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire to another co-dependent, dysfunctional mess with another man who cheats and hurts you.. if he will do it with you, he will do it to you.

Get some much needed therapy. Start being a positive role model to your kids. Teach them how to be strong, successful, to set higher standards, to value and respect themselves more than to settle for what you have settled for..

As for the pregnancy-i don't know what to say. As I tell teenagers-if your not big enough and responsible enough to deal with the consequences, then you shouldn't be having sex.. same goes for women in your situation. You are dependent on a man you don't want, in love with a man you can't have and already have kids in the middle of this mess.. you are really in no place emotionally, mentally or financially to have this baby but people have babies all the time and get through it but if you do decide to have this baby-realize you are doing it alone and start organizing yourself and preparing for that..

Regardless both men have to go. You need to work on you and you are in no state to be in any sort of relationship with any man until you fix you.

Why didn't you take steps to leave the first time he cheated? why not do a course, get a job, save, become independent and divorce him then? Why did you choose to stay trapped, dependent, lonely, unhappy for years after and then try to cling to another man hoping he would save you? Your not a damsel in distress. You had other options .

- - - Updated - - -

I will just add: your husband will have to support you financially if you leave him, you will get state benefits, help and support. There are always options and its never hopeless. Go to a womens center and get as much advice as you can, see a divorce lawyer and find out where you stand financially. Stop playing the victim and take action, take control. This is your life.

Sure you may have to take a hit. You may not live comfortably for awhile. It will prob be different to your current lifestyle.. It might be a struggle but you will get there. You could get a flat, get a part time job, go to low cost counselling, or join a support group. Id rather live in a cardboard box under a bridge than live the way your living. People have climbed their way out of worse situations. The only thing keeping you there is you