Is my sister's husband a changed man or not?

[jak1973]

Hello all well to start this post I don't really know where to begin, but here goes.

My sister has been married for about 15 years. About three years ago he cheated on her. She forgave him and he became ill last year with advanced prostrate cancer. He can not work now with his illness.
She allows him now on face book as he is ill. I am wary as I believe he is only acting like he is a changed man now as he has this serious illness.
He wrote a post saying this ...

Wishing my wife happy anniversary 15 years and I love her more now than ever. A true partner friend and lover she knows me more than I know myself supports me more than anyone would ever know and puts up with all my problems and pains bless her what would I do without her. We have had ups and downs but she is truly special and I love her dearly.



I will explain more in depth about this story so you all know everything about my worries and concerns.
He has been married twice before he married my sister. The first wife he was married to for 15 years and he cheated on her with his brother's wife. The wife left him after finding out for another woman. I don't know of any other occasions he may have cheated more than once on that wife?
He then got married for a second time to a first cousin. She was much younger than him. He cheated on her he said as she never gave him much love and attention, he cheated on her with a close friend. She then later left him and yet again I do not know if this was the only occasion he cheated on her.

Three years later he met my sister they dated for three years before getting married. I found out also when they were engaged he had cheated on my sister with his ex girlfriend. She forgave him for cheating when they were engaged. My sister writes all over face book that she is in love with her husband, most days. Even though my sister writes on facebook that she is in love with her husband, I know a different story as she tells me everything. She finds it hard to trust him even now.

She had two daughters to previous man and he took them on at a young age. They think allot about him. They also write on facebook how much they love him. If you met him you would think that he could do no harm to anyone. As he is very quiet and he portrays he is a big softie.

About three years ago I found out from my sister that he had cheated on her with a younger girl, that affair went on for about two and half years. Whilst that was going on she was still writing how much she loved her husband all over facebook and acting like the marriage was fine. And they still did everything like a normal married couple would do. Why I am saying this I don't understand why he cheated on my sister when to me everything seemed like they had a good marriage? Anyways she found out he was having this affair with a younger girl and she told him to end it. He ended it but then he went back to his younger lover again, my sister found out about this and she threaten to leave him if he didn't stop contact. So he said that he would stop contact. Then I found out off a friend of mine that he had been sending emails to his ex lover saying that he could not talk at the minute because his wife would not let him, and could he talk later when she was less suspicious? He then became redundant and my sister had to go find work. Then six months later he become ill. Now she allows him to use facebook as before she did not let him use it, as she was wary about him cheating on her again. Now since he became ill he writes how much he loves her and how amazing she is. I don't know if he stopped cheating because he got sick and could no longer cheat, because he now has to rely on my sister, as he is too ill to cheat now. He is a very charming man he knows what to say on all occasions so how do you believe this man? He even blamed all of his ex wifes and lovers for the reasons why he cheated. He blamed my sister for him cheating with the younger girl. My sister didn't understand herself what she had done wrong because even whilst he was having his affair he kept up a normal marriage. I am sharing all of my sisters story as I still have doubts about him. I don't understand why he cheated on my sister on both occasions, my sister did say that she has suspicious that he has done it more than the times she has caught him. She knows I am writing this post as we share everything.

I care about my sister very much and I don't like to think that he is taking her for a fool again. All I want to see is my sister happy and I think that he is only like this now because he has no other choice.

Please will you give me your views on this subject, and if anyone has had a similar experience?
Thanks everyone for taking your time and reading my post and giving your opinions.

[TablesandChairs]

My opinion? Your sister is a door-mat in denial - posting crap on Facebook in order to convince the world that she's happily married when in reality, her dying husband is only keeping it in his pants because he's too ill to do much else with it.

But don't think she doesn't know this - my guess is that, just like all the previous times before, she chooses to press ignore and create a facade - that's how she copes. And maybe she's okay with this, who knows. He's the father of her children and she decided, quite early on, that infidelity was not a deal-breaker. She keeps forgiving but maybe it's not for his benefit...maybe it's what she wants.

So, as her sister, you have every right to mention your genuine concerns - I wouldn't want my own sister wasting her life playing nurse to a man who has cheated on her so often. I wouldn't want to think she was being used by someone who although sick, still has the charm and capacity to hurt her.

But this is her life and her decision. Some people whinge and complain, but they do nothing to change their circumstances; aside from listening and telling her she deserves more...you have to sit back and let her take control.

[dontaskme]

I don't know what to say except that if he indeed has prostate cancer, his penis would soon fall off, therefore, it would be of no use to this young girl of his and she would soon dump his old ass.

As for your sister, she may really love her husband who's a turd but it's her life and her choice to do whatever makes her happy or miserable. Your concern for her is legit but she's a grown up woman so leave her be and let her make her bed and lie on it.

[jak1973]

Thank you for your reply. My sister's children's real father does not bother with them. So he took them on as his own. They always go to him for advice but he has said to me on many occasions that they are too needy. And they always check up on him. I believe they do this because of him cheating.
My sister likes everyone to think they have a perfect marriage and a perfect little family. She could not bare to admit the truth to anyone else but me. I feel he is a deceitful man and this illness is the only thing that stops him from cheating. So his messages I think are what he thinks she needs to hear now. And this breaks my heart for her to be used. Do you agree or have a different view on this?

I do worry as she goes out with her friends allot and she gets drunk most days. What is your opinion of them writing allover facebook all the time? I have mentioned to my sister what he is doing and she wont see my point of view. She shouts at me and walks away.

[dontaskme]

This is their problem as a married couple and you should stay out of it! Whatever they do on Facebook is really none of your biswax.

[Wakeup]

You know what: Not EVERY relationship is the same, not EVERYONE that isn't in a socially accepted monogamous relationship means they are a doormat.

Your sister seems quite happy to be the wife of this man. They are good partners who get along in most part and share life's ups and downs with maturity and in most part, unconditionally.

My sister writes all over face book that she is in love with her husband, most days. Even though my sister writes on facebook that she is in love with her husband, I know a different story as she tells me everything. She finds it hard to trust him even now.

Just because she tells you that she does not trust him to be monogamous does not mean that she does not love him. It also doesn't mean that infidelity is something that she thinks is grounds for leaving the marriage.

Until your sister tells you that she wants to leave this man but needs support and ideas on how to do it correctly.. just listen when she vents about the infidelity and leave anything else out of YOUR BUSINESS.

He's got prostate cancer. That likely means his pecker isn't up to snuff anymore so if all she's concerned about is not trusting him to be monogamous then it's pretty likely she can just relax now and enjoy what they have without worrying about what you and society in general is going to say about her for staying. Jeezus people. Not every man or woman think they are in a bad situation over cheating. For all any of us know (even you OP) she condones it and just doesn't trust that he's telling her the truth about it.

[jak1973]

I say my thoughts as I care deeply for my sister as most brothers do. I just do not understand how he can cheat on such a lovely lady as my sister.
Thank you all for your comments.

[robertherb]

Until your sister tells you that she wants to leave this man but needs support and ideas on how to do it correctly.. just listen when she vents about the infidelity and leave anything else out of YOUR BUSINESS.

[Wakeup]

There's an echo in here!

[surfhb]

Another vote for:

MIND YOUR OWN FVCKING BUSINESS!!!

[michelle23]

Again mind your own business. Support her whatever she decides. Its her life, her marriage. Ya shes a doormat in my opinion, chooses to live in denial and accepts this coz its easier than the consequences-being on her own.. which she prob fears.

But its not your decision. Relvant past behavior is a clear indicator of future behavior. Will he cheat again? Most likely.. is this prostate cancer karma? Yes.. what goes around comes back around

[woody]

Dear O.P

We all want to protect our sisters/brothers. Your genuine concerns are valid and true. You want your sister to be happy; you do not trust her husband but it is her husband and their life. There is little more you can do aside from what your already doing which is being there for her, her confidant, her sister who loves her.

Only your sister and her husband know the inner most working of their relationship and /or what their willing to tolerate and/or forgive.
However, sitting back and watching this mistreatment towards your beloved Sister wouldn't be easy at all to endure and of course you want to protect her; but aside from doing what your already doing, what else can be done?

It's her life. Just be there for her. It's all you can do. Perhaps she'd rather live in denial over airing his dirty laundry. For some of us, it's easier this way. Some women have fragile ego's and to be cheated on can make a woman feel unworthy or like she's not enough in some departments. Not an easy thing to grapple with is it. Unfortunately, denial or ignorance can be more blissful than the hard truths.
He's also sick now and she probably feels obligated to care for him. Maybe she believes he has learned his lessons and truly does love the man and wants to work it out.
You have every right to be concerned and weary regarding him.
Just be the sister your being. Be there for her. It is all you can do.

[dontaskme]

Just be the sister your being. Be there for her.

Woody sweetheart, the OP is actually "the brother" and not "a sister".

I know, I thought the same the first time too.

[michelle23]

I say my thoughts as I care deeply for my sister as most brothers do. I just do not understand how he can cheat on such a lovely lady as my sister.
Thank you all for your comments.

Hes a serial cheat so it doesn't really matter how lovely she is. She could be perfect in every way, sleep with him twice a day, cook him the best food, clean the house spotless, look like a model all the time and smile from ear to ear every day.. it wont change a damn thing with someone like that..

Theres different types of cheaters. Some have disorders that make them act impulsively and be quite selfish such as ADHD, Biploar, Autism etc. Some have more sinister disorders like narcissism where they enjoy the emotional turmoil it creates and also enjoy abusing the person they are cheating with.. some can live a double life for years without anyone suspecting as they feel no remorse or guilt.. some come from dysfunctional backgrounds where they didn't have positive role models to teach them what a healthy relationship should be like. Some are emotionally immature and use cheating as an escape from issues going on at home, some have addictive personalities and are more prone to the high that comes with infatuation or an affair..some could have abnormal hormone balances.. some fear being alone so wont leave until they line someone else up, some are deeply insecure and crave attention..

so instead of trying to be the perfect wife, if shes not going to leave him she should go and have her own affair but shes not going to do that.. maybe you should encourage her to get some counselling for herself so she can learn to value and respect herself more than her husband does. Maybe one day she will find the strength to leave. Fear is what keeps her there

[reeba]

Maybe with this prostate cancer thing, he would have a 'come to Jesus' change in attitude. Maybe your sister stays because she loves him. Maybe she stays out of guilt because he has cancer. Maybe she stays because she doesn't want to be alone...........Maybe you should mind your own business.

Your sister knows how you feel about the situation. And she still won't leave him. Why would our opinion matter if your opinion didn't matter to her? If you care about your sister, voice your concern but still be supportive in her choices. That way she knows she has someone to turn to when she needs help.