Serious issue.....need some advice!!

[standingtall]

New to this forum and thought I would get a third party's advice on a pretty serious issue.

Let me paint the picture......have been separated since July of 2012 and divorced since January of this year from a 20 plus year relationship. I have children and am in their lives on an almost daily basis. Over the last several months, the x and I have been talking about reconciliation and putting the family back together. During the last several months of our separation and divorce, both her and I have been seeing someone. Both relationships have been finished with the understanding the we both want to work on putting the marriage back together.

Here is the kicker......during the final night of her relationship with this OM, they had what I will call 'break up' sex and she is now pregnant! She is 43 and has not had a child in 5 years. I was a little taken aback but what could I say? We are indeed divorced......it was her life. Since being back in the same town as her and my children again, I have heard a thousand 'I'm sorrys'. She has told me that she is not going to tell the baby's father that she is pregnant because she does not want him in our lives as we move forward. She is about 4 weeks along.

I still love this woman, minus the last two years, we have a long and good history together. Part of me is screaming to support her and love her through this and to raise the child as if it were my own. The other part of me is yelling 'run to the hills'! Has anyone gone through a similar situation? I think I know what I need to do but would love to hear some feedback!

[TheEvilJester]

I can't say I went through the same exact thing you did. My marriage was very short, though the relationship itself in total was nearly a decade. Still, I don't know about you, but I sure as heck did not get divorced simply on a whim. I mean, this is not some minor little spat. You two were separated, and even after that still proceeded with the divorce.

Don't get me wrong, it is very noble of you two to want to make it work. It's just, you need to seriously think about what has changed? Why would it work this time if it didn't before? If the things that went wrong TRULY CAN be fixed, then great. Give it a go. But, typically people get divorced because of things that cannot be fixed. If you could have fixed them, you probably would have.

It's also great that you two want to get your family back together. The thing is, children will be much happier with two happy parents who aren't together, rather than two miserable parents who are. So, in the end if you two are simply not meant to be together, then it is best to just remain apart. You can obviously still be friends for the sake of the children, but if you two do not work out as a couple, everybody is better off that way.

Still, I don't know you, I don't know her, and I don't know the specifics. Maybe you both sincerely feel that the issues that broke you up are things you can fix. If so, good luck and more power to you. It's just often not likely to succeed when it already did not in the past.

On a side note, I guess it is none of your business or mine, but she really should tell the guy he is going to be a father no matter what happens between you two. Whether or not she wants him in her life, he deserves to know he is a father. He deserves a chance to do the right thing and be there for his child. Again, though, that is really her business.

[standingtall]

Thanks for the response.

We have both made mistakes, have owned up to them and know how to fix them. I believe that this marriage can be salvaged and things 'could' be better than they ever were. We had 20 years of good and two years of chaos......we both know what happened and what it will take to reconcile.

Regarding the baby daddy, I agree that the right thing to do is for her to tell him. She has already said her peace about the issue and I'm not going to bring it up again. Their relationship was purely physical.......I understand that. Had a couple of those since the divorce myself. Not proud of it but it is what it is.

[purple_roses]

She should of used protection obviously.. Especially knowing this guy isn't her soul mate and she's only been divorced since this year yuck. This poor guy has a child he will never know about now. I disagree with her decision. Goodluck to you. If it didn't work out once, it probably ain't gonna work out again. She sounds really immature for being that old.

[dontaskme]

She should of used protection obviously.. Especially knowing this guy isn't her soul mate and she's only been divorced since this year yuck. This poor guy has a child he will never know about now. I disagree with her decision. Goodluck to you. If it didn't work out once, it probably ain't gonna work out again. She sounds really immature for being that old.

Hey judgmental Prick, do you have a crystal ball that you can tell what's going to happen in the future? How do you even know whether the wife's relationship with the ex husband will work or not once they reunite?

If they are both dedicated in making this to work, then that is all that matters, not you yucking the wife for the mistake that she obviously made. You're such a biatch!

[dontaskme]

And wtf is a soul mate anyway, lmao!!!

[Wakeup]

Why not just abort and get on with your lives? She's 42 and its not your kid. Two very good reasons for termination. I also think you both should get a full spectrum STD testing done now and in six month to make sure you both came out of this separation unscathed. Marriage councelling wouldn't be such a bad idea either.

Good luck.

[TablesandChairs]

Yep; I'm not sure why you're complicating matters. She's 43 (which can be danger-zone in terms of having a baby, increased chances of Downs Syndrome for one). She could have an early-term abortion and you could move forward with your lives. I mean, she's even considering not telling the child's father which isn't exactly an upstanding thing to consider doing - he has a right to know, as does the child if she decides to proceed with the pregnancy.

[standingtall]

Yep; I'm not sure why you're complicating matters. She's 43 (which can be danger-zone in terms of having a baby, increased chances of Downs Syndrome for one). She could have an early-term abortion and you could move forward with your lives. I mean, she's even considering not telling the child's father which isn't exactly an upstanding thing to consider doing - he has a right to know, as does the child if she decides to proceed with the pregnancy.

She had considered then it was quickly taken off the table. As our current relationship has turned for the better and is getting better every day (time will tell), she is very distraught about the poor decision that she made (along with other decisions). Right, wrong, or indifferent, she does not want to tell the baby's father due to the fact that she does not want this person in our lives going forward. I don't agree with that decision but it is not mine to make.

The comment was made by her about how would the other children feel if their youngest sibling was picked up for the weekend and they were not? We all make mistakes but since the separation and divorce, it seems that the mistakes have been piling up in her corner. This is not a 'mercy' reconciliation on my part......at all. I still deeply care for and love this woman but am taking things slow right now and with a great deal of caution. Bottom line, I will take my time and cannot accept responsibility for something that I did not do. I know the questions WILL come from family and friends. Sadly, she will have to be the one to answer those questions.

If I do decide to continue the reconciliation process and we decide to get remarried, I will raise and love this child as one of my own. Maybe not the norm nowadays, but that is the kind of guy that I am.

[Mattiemae]

If you are both serious about reconciling and you're both doing inner personal development, and plan on having a heart-based relationship versus fear-based relationship, the baby isn't a negative. Regardless of how a child is brought in to the world, it deserves to be loved, nurtured, and respected. My son never had his father around for most of his life. My ex-husband has been there for the most part which isn't his father. Biology doesn't make a father.

If you're both serious about not getting involved with other people, than the relationship can be better than it was ever before. It depends on whether you both take responsibility and create the relationship you desire to have.

[standingtall]

If you are both serious about reconciling and you're both doing inner personal development, and plan on having a heart-based relationship versus fear-based relationship, the baby isn't a negative. Regardless of how a child is brought in to the world, it deserves to be loved, nurtured, and respected. My son never had his father around for most of his life. My ex-husband has been there for the most part which isn't his father. Biology doesn't make a father.

If you're both serious about not getting involved with other people, than the relationship can be better than it was ever before. It depends on whether you both take responsibility and create the relationship you desire to have.

Thank you for the response.

Yes, we are both serious about reconciling. Everything has been put out in the open on both sides......phone records, e-mail accounts, everything. And you are right, biology does not make a father. My biological father was killed in Vietnam but the man that raised me is my father and he is the best man I know. That is how I plan on approaching this situation. Fact is, it is a part of her, the person that I still care about.

We have both taken responsibility for the mistakes that we have made and know what it will take to resolve those issues.....radical honesty is the key. Sadly, the mistakes that she has made will be with us for a while but it is not something that we cannot overcome.

[TheEvilJester]

I definitely wish you the best of luck. I don't know what sort of issues you two were facing that broke you up in the first place, and it is none of my business unless you felt the need to elaborate for us. However, if you two feel they are things you can fix, then I sincerely hope you are able to do just that.

I will, again, still suggest caution. Again, you both had time apart, and even after that still decided to proceed with the divorce. Divorce does not tend to be a spontaneous action, especially given that it takes time to resolve, and many states even require a brief "separation" period before the divorce can proceed. So, my gut instinct would personally say if you felt things could have been fixed, you would have worked to do that before finalizing the divorce.

Still, sometimes it takes time for people to be able to realize they have made a mistake. Perhaps, given time, you were both able to heal and learn from the mistakes made in the marriage. Maybe it time, you were able to realize that they could be fixed and were not something that should ultimately end your relationship for good. I hope that is the case. I would just suggest treading lightly. Good luck to you and your family. I hope everything works out for the best.

[standingtall]

I definitely wish you the best of luck. I don't know what sort of issues you two were facing that broke you up in the first place, and it is none of my business unless you felt the need to elaborate for us. However, if you two feel they are things you can fix, then I sincerely hope you are able to do just that.

I will, again, still suggest caution. Again, you both had time apart, and even after that still decided to proceed with the divorce. Divorce does not tend to be a spontaneous action, especially given that it takes time to resolve, and many states even require a brief "separation" period before the divorce can proceed. So, my gut instinct would personally say if you felt things could have been fixed, you would have worked to do that before finalizing the divorce.

Still, sometimes it takes time for people to be able to realize they have made a mistake. Perhaps, given time, you were both able to heal and learn from the mistakes made in the marriage. Maybe it time, you were able to realize that they could be fixed and were not something that should ultimately end your relationship for good. I hope that is the case. I would just suggest treading lightly. Good luck to you and your family. I hope everything works out for the best.

Thank you for the response.

I feel that the issues that arose can be fixed. She does as well. Based upon the counseling that we have both been receiving, this time apart and the divorce might have been the best thing for both of us. I truly feel that we have realized that the grass is indeed NOT greener on the other side. Again, we have both made mistakes......unfortunately the mistakes that she has made are going to be with us forever. We will see......I am very optimistic.

I met with some close friends last night and they urged the same thing.....proceed with great caution. Today I am making the decision to not make a decision. All in all, things are going fairly descent, but there are still some things that I need to see. And she understands that and has been completely open on honest with me. The baby shock is starting to wear off some......bottom line, we were divorced when it happened so I have no right to complain about it.

Thank you for the well wishes.

[michelle23]

I think marriage counselling is vital if your going to make this work. If you want it to have a real chance then get counselling.

How is it fair on the baby to be brought up thinking your his/her father. These things have a way of coming out.. it may not be 20 years until it does but then the child will think their whole life has been a lie and be so hurt and angry at you and their mother.. if you want whats best for the baby then you cannot do this to him/her. You can still play a huge role and be a loving dad but this lie is too big and will have severe consequences down the line if you choose to sweep it under the rug.

You are wrong when you say you have no say in this. Yes you do if she expects you to raise the baby with her. Do you want to play a role in damaging the child forever?

She cant run away from this. She has to be mature and responsible and do the right thing if shes having the baby. You could legally adopt the child if he decides he wants nothing to do with it but honesty is important.

You may think biology means nothing but it means everything to people who find out later in life

[standingtall]

I think marriage counselling is vital if your going to make this work. If you want it to have a real chance then get counselling.

How is it fair on the baby to be brought up thinking your his/her father. These things have a way of coming out.. it may not be 20 years until it does but then the child will think their whole life has been a lie and be so hurt and angry at you and their mother.. if you want whats best for the baby then you cannot do this to him/her. You can still play a huge role and be a loving dad but this lie is too big and will have severe consequences down the line if you choose to sweep it under the rug.

You are wrong when you say you have no say in this. Yes you do if she expects you to raise the baby with her. Do you want to play a role in damaging the child forever?

She cant run away from this. She has to be mature and responsible and do the right thing if shes having the baby. You could legally adopt the child if he decides he wants nothing to do with it but honesty is important.

You may think biology means nothing but it means everything to people who find out later in life

We talked about this in great depth last night. I asked her to tell him about the baby. She said that she does not want her or I to live with his ghost in our lives. Selfishly, I can understand that but the honorable thing to do is tell him. She said she would tell him 'someday' but now is not the time. She does not want to hinder what we are working on (her words not mine). When is the right time????