Cheated on my boyfriend & I don't feel guilty..

[its_leah]

Thanks everyone, especially eviljester, woody & loveisathing! And to reply to wakeup... I never said the situation justified my actions; I just know the difference between feeling guilty and regretting something. I dont like what I've done, I feel like a disgusting person, but I understand WHY I did it. If that makes any sense. Im done explaining myself on that note though.

And I dont mind answering any of those questions jester & woody. He was so affectionate and loving in the first year and a half of our relationship, but that barely exists anymore. We dont kiss often, cuddle, even touch eachother.. Unless I initiate it. I feel like Im the only one putting in effort and hes aware of that. We have had talks about this numerous times and he'll make an effort but it eventually escapes his mind and were back at square one - me having to try so hard for us. We have sex maybe once every month and a half. A couple months ago, we hadn't had sex for almost three months. I was just exhausted and it eventually boiled down to a huge fight because he didnt even want anything from me on his birthday :S I just dont understand because I know he was molested and I try to take this into account as much as possible, but then why was he so different in the beginning? When I ask him these questions and were on the topic of discussion, it could go both ways I never know - theres been times he gets super defensive, but hes also opened up to me about everything. I guess the only thing we can do about it now is get help.. I know deep down he wants to, but is scared. Our scheduels are so busy and I feel at 22 years old I shouldnt be dealing with something like this, but Im willing to because I really do love the guy. Hes my bestfriend. I just need that intimacy in a relationship.. Its nice to know Im not the only one. Thanks again guys!

[woody]

22? Yes, way too young to be dealing with this type of thing. If the issue is not addressed and rectified to some degree, if healing does not come, I agree you are far too young to be without an intimacy that ought come naturally or you risk yourself becoming a closed off, jaded and miserable woman. Well, screw that.
And on the other hand (because there's always another hand), you also must do what is right for him. Trust me, he knows his actions, or lack of them are affecting you negatively and this isn't good for either of you. It will hurt like the dickens but perhaps by losing you, he'll finally get the help he needs to be open to healthy relationships in his future, wether they be with you or with some one else. Breaking up with him would be both a selfish/selfless act. Balance.good luck

[Wakeup]

really do love this man.. I can see myself being with him for the rest of my life.

Don't be a C-word then: Tell him... give him the opportunity to screw other women while you get your "pretty" by screwing other men. Fair is Fair.

I'm sure he'll get his libido back when he's pulling strange. Just like he did when he was first with you. Its predictable.

BTW: What would you do if he was cheating on you and that's why he hasn't been wanting sex with you?

[its_leah]

Wakeup, Im not even going to pay any attention to your ignorant comments. You're trying to sound so technically smart ass right now and Im just not havin' it, lol. Theres no way he is cheating on me, and Im not going to get into detail about how I know this for sure, because its really none of your business.

[Wakeup]

You're a selfish cheater. Why are you so afraid to give him the same chance to have sex with someone else and keep you as you're willing to TAKE from him?

I challenge you instead of like the rest of the codependent responses you've gotten so far... However I do see that woody is getting a little more challenging with you on your other post about cheating or wanting to, with another guy you met in some bar.

You're selfish and you're being quite vile to your partner and you don't feel guilty or regret it. That's sociopathic, actually.

BTW: I didn't say he was cheating on you. I asked you what you would do if he was cheating on you. Forget the part "that's why he's not having sex with you." Just what would you do? Would you stay with him? How would you feel. Would you have some feelings about cheating in general then? Would you be fine and be happy that you both could do what you do with full knowledge and disclosure while you continued on in your relationship?

[its_leah]

Well to answer your "challenging" questions - if roles were reversed and he cheated on me, I would obviously be upset, but I would understand why if I wasnt giving him any affectionate attention or sex :S I plan on telling him tonight and talking about everything, once again.

[Wakeup]

Well to answer your "challenging" questions - if roles were reversed and he cheated on me, I would obviously be upset, but I would understand why if I wasnt giving him any affectionate attention or sex :S I plan on telling him tonight and talking about everything, once again.

Will that talk include telling him that you've been cheating or, at the very least asking him if you can have other lovers if he doesn't get help or will you continue to go behind his back while you wait to see if he changes without getting the professional help he apparently needs? His T-levels may be low you know. Has he at least been to his doctor to get blood work done and discussed his low libido with his doctor?

btw: You understanding why he would cheat if the situation was reversed is understandable since you use that excuse to make yourself believe what you're doing is justified and therefore okay to do on him.. you make it HIS fault. Would HE think like you?

[TablesandChairs]

I don't think it all boils down to molestation - why was that not an issue in the earlier stages of your relationship? There could be other issues involved; depression, biological (low testosterone) or maybe he can only maintain sexual attraction when someone is 'new' and gets bored easily. Who knows. What I do know is that when someone withdraws affection/sex completely and shows no desire - it breeds insecurity in the other person. You wonder what has changed, whether this is how it'll always be, whether it's you...list goes on. You cheated because living as friends/house-mates isn't enough. Come clean, explain the situation - whether he wants to work on things or not is up to him to decide but you're a bit young to take a vow of chastity and even if you never cheat again, if things don't change, things will come to a natural ending one way of another.

[lovebroken]

I don't understand you say in your title you don't feel guilty but in your post you say you do feel guilty? but not regretful. If either, not guilty or not regretful you do not love your partner and should break up for the both of you, no point staying anymore.

[surfhb]

22?! Lol. Isn't this type of behavior expected at this age? Your selfishness is mind boggling

Are actually wanting to continue this relationship ?

[TablesandChairs]

You're 22 and you have a sex drive. Not a crime. You're having sex on a 1-3 monthly basis...gross as it is, I think even my parents do it more often than that. You won't be able to put up with this long-term; you'll falter, he'll revert back to old habits...square one again.

Come clean and if you two decide to move forward, do so with a strategy in place; whether his issues are psychological, biological, both or neither...they need to be addressed. If in x amount of months things are still the same - move forward. You don't owe him a lifetime of celibacy and at some point, friendship won't be enough. It already isn't.

[michelle23]

Excuse me but my answer wasn't co-dependent. She didn't like my honesty either which is why I got no thanks.. lol

Oh well. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make her drink.

[TheEvilJester]

I feel the need to say that I have personally never felt Wakeup was a troll, nor do I believe she has malicious intent in her comments. (Apologies if I am wrong, Wakeup, but I thought I saw the female icon by your name.) In fact, I think she provides an important service here in that she gives that "tough love" sort of response that is very much needed with some of the questions we get. Go ahead and read her posts carefully. She very often offers great advice, and I must say that more often than not I find myself agreeing. She may use different methods than I would personally employ, but I definitely think her methods are sometimes needed.

To be honest with you, I would have a little more constructive criticism for the OP myself if I hadn't felt like that was already covered by the time I found this thread. After all, cheating is NEVER okay, and there is NO justification for it. If there are problems, it is better to either deal with them, or end the relationship. Then you are free to do whatever you want.

In any case, back to the OP now...

I guess a month and a half isn't THAT insanely long. Three months does seem a bit excessive, though. However, that is definitely too long to go without intimacy if that doesn't work for you. Heck, that would feel too long by my standards, and I'm in no way your typical guy when it comes to that sort of thing. I mean, that seems too long just for the sake of the fact that a healthy, loving relationship should involve intimacy now and then.

So, again, all you can really do is talk to him and hope that it helps. If not, you need to move on and let him be free to deal with it in his own way without holding you back. The cheating needs to stop immediately, but it seems that you already intend to stop. But, if it doesn't seem to work out with him, then you owe it to both you and him to end it. Then, you can look for somebody who better suits what you want/need in a partner without hurting anybody.

[woody]

^^ Big Cosmic Joint all round folks.

[lovebroken]

What does big cosmic joint mean?

To add since posting to you, did you get a notification about playing a game in off topic, woody, the poster Exeter19 sent one to you and 5 others (((check off topics.)))