Headf*cking myself! Moving to another country, long distance boyfriend trouble

[beth_02]

My partner and I met whilst I was travelling in Australia. He's an Aussie, larger than life character, attractive, has a great life and occupation.
I'm British, a lot more serious but less settled than he is. We met whilst I was coming out of a very bad breakup. (Money stolen, physically abusive, etc..)

There are some problems at the moment. I came home for a month to see my family, and gain some perspective on my life.

I'm attempting to move to Australia, we get along great and there's a lot of opportunity there. However, I feel like the distance is putting a strain on things and showing me things about him that I hadn't really seen before, blinded by love syndrome.

I feel like the biggest problem is that he's trying to offer to commit to something without really realising how much of a responsibility it is. He's got a good job at the moment, but wants to quit because of the the fact he has to work on an isolated site, and so will have less money. His life is in the city, which he claims he'd drop in a heartbeat to accommodate me but I sincerely doubt that (plus I wouldn't expect it); his friends, connections lifestyle, etc... And I don't know what I want to do yet and this may require me to travel around. He acts like all of these things won't be a problem, but surely dismissing these concerns and acting cavalier, "we'll worry when we get to it" is foolhardy?

Whenever we've met before it's been based around his needs. Even with money...I don't earn like he does, and yet when I go to see him when he's finished his stint at work, he spend spend spends and I feel like I need to keep up, pressured even. He claims he likes to spend money on me, embellishes a lot, but we split the costs equally to my mind and I feel like he lives in his own world almost, some of the time.

He's very laid back, fun to be around, head screwed on, but I've begun to see flaws and without being physically around each other, from which I derive a lot of comfort, I've been worrying a lot.

I arrived home to a lot of stress, nothing that can be helped, but my mother and father are suffering with my grandparents, one who needs 24/7 care and one who's recently been put in a home. My sister is struggling too and I don't have much of an idea of what I want to do for a career.

My immediate family is very close so I find all this very upsetting. The move to Oz is in itself is a bit of a strain for me, both for leaving my family and because I'm not honestly sure what's waiting for me out there. I'm fairly young, as well, and worry I'm making the right decision.

He's not very close to his family, and he has very little empathy for the situation, it feels, when we talk on the phone. He values laughter and humour and having a good time, but what he feels is banter, back and forth, feels to me like an unnecessary wind up. I'm wondering am I being too sensitive? He belittles my worries about moving, dismisses my concerns, overall I feel like he thinks I'm just whining. I feel like he thinks I'm inferior, like I need to be humoured and coddled. For example, when I talk about something serious, he'll say nothing or give a vague response and then compliment me on my looks.

Which isn't how I feel it should be. I feel like he patronises me, barrels ahead thinking he's right all the time, going on his own whims and desires without really knowing anything about me, because he doesn't seem to listen or if he does, thinks he knows better anyway. And I'm even more concerned because whilst I've been away, he's shown once or twice that when I'm not a convenient addition to his life, he'll shelve me for later. I know it's small but for example, he said he'd call, gave me a time. He'd been out partying for one day and then again on the second, and didn't call me because he was busy getting drunk that night too. If I hadn't messaged him to ask about it, he would never have contacted me. And when I asked about it, he dismissed me then. Granted, he grovelled afterwards but I didn't feel like it had to be done.

I feel like a lot's being promised but when it comes down to it, he'll leave me on my arse. I feel like I'm setting myself up to be a complete mug by the end of it.

That being said, and I can admit it because I see it too, I'm acting like a pain at the moment. The worst thing for me is my anxiety. Currently I have a fear of him cheating. I have no reason to worry about this. None. I never really voice it to him, and I never get passive aggressive or mean about it, but it's on my mind constantly. I attribute this to how I've been treated in the past, but it's not an excuse. When I talk to him, I babble a lot of fluff because I have a lot of serious things on my mind that I don't want to talk about and bring the mood down with, and I think that bores him. Or I say damaging things; If I dream he cheats, I tell him, or something equally stupid. We have perfectly normal and nice conversations too, but there's this streak of crazy and boring in them from my end that I know isn't fair on him, and I don't know where it's coming from but I can't stop it.

I'm feeling very anxious at the moment, and I don't know how to communicate these problems and worries to him. When I've done it in the past he gets frustrated because he "can't fix the problem". I've been a big worrier recently, unlike me, but it's been a very stressful month, and I don't know how much of this is me overreacting or him not meeting me half way or circumstance. Any advice on how to work around this would be great.

I don't know whether to talk to him, or leave it until I get there or whatever. I get to Oz on Oct 13, then work in one city until my birthday on Oct 19th when I fly to see him at our place.

I'm really confused, and I feel like this is my fault and I'm losing it. I feel like I'm worrying the relationship into the ground. I feel like I'm looking for reassurance but I don't know why I should need it.

Sorry for the essay, but I feel absolutely mental at the moment, could do with some advice.

[Wakeup]

You don't have to move there to be with him. You don't really know him and your gut is telling you that what you do know about him are things that you'll not be able to put up with for the rest of your life.

... why not consider it a fling that took place while you were travelling and now its run its course because frankly, that's exactly what it sounds like it is.

You'll miss him for a while but with zero contact and you working on yourself, your personal boundaries, your career where you currently live, you'll be over him in no time and you'll be all that much more prepared to pick someone that will be a good lifemate to you just where you are.... no need at all to uproot and endure all the anxiety inducing that all that entails.

Good luck.

[toknow]

It seems that your SO dismisses you and ignores your problems and that shows you lack of love

[TablesandChairs]

You're too different, I think. You need a plan - you need reassurance. You need direction. You don't just need a guy who is all up for fun and banter but then turns his head when you have something serious to say. I would never consider moving countries for someone unless I was as close to certain as I could be; certain they were the one, certain they would step up and help when needed and so forth.

Even the financial disparity is going to cause problems; you say his spending habits are very different to yours on account of him earning more - yet you're splitting things 50/50. That's fine but long term? What will happen - he goes out and you stay home because you can't afford it? He starts resenting you because he'll have to fork out $$ or the opposite - you start resenting him because you're always delving into your credit cards to keep up?

There's a lot to consider; don't romanticise the whole thing because it can end up being quite stressful and thus far, he hasn't really given you the impression that his commitment is 100% and for your part - you're neither here nor there, still confused about your life's direction and so forth. What track are you on? Future goals? Priorities? Anxiety can be either irrational or resultant from genuine concerns - on one hand, you're expecting too much - you won't know until you're living with him so we can speculate all we like; for all I know, he'd be good for you and to you. On the other, you're already noticing genuine issues - he dismisses your issues, doesn't take into account your different earning capacities...

Tough choices. Sure, Australia's economy is pretty good, incomes are good but the cost of living is by no means low so you'd want to be able to rely on yourself, financially, if this go pear-shaped. I'd have a couple of contingency plans in place so you're not stuck. I'm on the cautious side so my advice comes from someone who doesn't really take uncalculated risks...

[purple_roses]

It sounds like you are not ready to be in a relationship.