Naive fool whose kindness gets him in trouble... again.

[bigumbang]

I started dating my girlfriend a little over a year ago. Love her, think she is fun. Have a lot in common, etc, so we moved in together a couple months ago. I feel I am a nice guy and admittedly, it has gotten me in trouble before. Before moving in I offered to split rent 70/30. Me being 70 since I am in IT administration and make good money and she is a school teacher. We would split utilities and food 50/50 (which is still generous on my part, I feel, considering she has a 4 year old daughter who lives with us too).

Despite this, I do all of the house work, all the cooking (she is not much of a cook), grocery shopping (including funding groceries), laundry, driving, etc. I do well over 50% of the parental duties of taking care of her daughter. This is because she is sick, injured or too stresses from work.

She is now sick, injured, whatever all the time. She has started an exercise class every other evening effectively trapping me at home watching her daughter most week nights.

While I do all the work she generally does Facebook, reddit or video games in bed.

When I talk with her about it, it's awful, she usually says, " I am not as concerned about a super clean house as you are so I don't notice when things need to be cleaned" I am picking up after her and her daughter constantly.

I have screwed up, huh, I hoped that by doing all these things to show love that she would put the same amount of effort towards chores and finances to show love and concern back. It isn't happening. Geez, I am an idiot.

Is there any way to reverse this or would you just say I am stuck as a man servant until I end this?

[TheEvilJester]

You are only stuck as a man servant if you allow it to be so. That is NOT okay. Though, I will say this....

How often do you clean? How MUCH do you clean? Is there any possibility at all that you may perhaps be a little too obsessive about keeping things clean? I only ask because I've been in a similar situation. I'm personally not a neat freak, but I also am not a complete slob. I tend to keep my place clean, but not obsessively clean because that is honestly just too hard to maintain. Who wants to live their life constantly having to clean? Homes should look a little "lived-in."

At the same time, part of the responsibility should be hers. If she is legitimately too sick, that is one thing. It certainly doesn't sound like that is the case, though. She is able to exercise just fine. If she truthfully has medical issues that prevent her from doing certain things, surely there must be some chores that she can still do instead.

It sounds like you've already talked about it a bit, so I guess just do so again. Remain cordial about it, but you also want to be a little more assertive as well. She needs to know that it is not fair for you to do everything. At the same time, if you do tend to be more of a neat freak, you can't expect her to be as well if that isn't her nature. It is more about finding a happy medium. Anyways, good luck. Hope you are able to work it out.

[purple_roses]

I would approach her with a plan. Tell her you guys will alternate doing the grocery shopping and that she needs to do laundry if you are doing the cooking and everything else.
If she refuses to help with a set plan like that, then yeah, she's probably never going to change

[bigumbang]

I feel like I have already done this and it she will not change. I don't think I am a clean freak either. If there are dirty dishes in the sink, they need to be washed, she will not touch them no matter how long they sit there. Our bathroom counter cannot be used due to the amount of stuff on it.

I don't think she will change, she says she will out of love but I have yet to see any sign of it.
I understand there needs to be a happy medium but it does not happen, no matter how much I discuss it with her.

The most dreaded words to me are now "babe, can you do me a favor?"

- - - Updated - - -

I guess my main disappointment in all of this is that, I have put all this effort in to keeping things clean, doing nice things to show love and show her I care and figured she would do the same and everything would even out. I guess it just feels like she doesn't care and is more than happy to do nothing while I do everything. I don't want her to feel forced. I want her to want to do it to please me the same way I have always done it to please her. I guess that's a pipe dream.

[dontaskme]

Why don't you go away on a nice vacation somewhere in the Caribbean for a month and leave her and her daughter alone in the house where she will be stuck doing all the house works, errands, paying bills, etc?

If that would not do the trick, then nothing else will help unless you leave her for good and find someone else.

[surfhb]

You need to set boundaries and you don't keep her to those boundaries .....it's as simple as that

Hey kids?! Don't fvcking move in with someone unless you plan to marry them!

[TablesandChairs]

When my ex (and his 3 year old) moved in with me, it was a bit of a shock to the system. Going from a clean/organised house to a toddler's juggle was...interesting. I didn't think it through enough - I was getting a package deal, not just a boyfriend. Given that I work working and studying at the time, the extra cleaning (a lot extra) was taking its toll...after talking about it, he admitted cleaning/organising wasn't his strong suite so he offered to get a cleaner in once a week to do the laborious stuff - floors, bathrooms etc. Worked well. He wasn't a great cook so we agreed that I'd do the cooking, he'd do the washing up. We alternated grocery shopping and I reminded him that he ate twice as much as I did so he needed to keep that in mind when shopping (he'd buy 1 carton of milk...which between him and his daughter, would disappear within hours).

A lot of it was down to ignorance and bad habits; when I chatted to him about it seriously, he realised how annoying he'd been and stepped up. On my side, I accepted that a house with a toddler was never going to be a museum; a bit of mess here and there was fine.

If you want this to work, set some plans in motion that are non-negotiable or you will end up frustrated.

[TheEvilJester]

Bigumbang, I had to ask just for clarification. I've had experience with somebody who expected things to be overly clean. I'm all for keeping a clean place, but not when it is to an obsessive level.

What you describe to us does NOT constitute obsessive, or anything unreasonable to me. What you describe is perfectly, 100% understandable. You shouldn't have to do everything. I've also personally always been of the opinion that dishes should NEVER pile up in the sink. I mean, come on. Could there possibly be an easier chore to do? If you do it right away, it is quick and easy. If the pots or pans have some stuck on food, leave them to soak overnight and that is easy too.

So, to me there is never any excuse for letting the dishes pile up. Yet, at the same time, unless it is part of your agreement, it should not be solely your responsibility.

I think what purple-roses suggested was a good idea. You should have a set plan. Perhaps chores A, B, and C are yours, and chores D, E, and F are hers. Then, the idea is she is not allowed to pester you about your chores, and you are not allowed to pester her about her chores...... AS LONG AS they get done in a reasonable amount of time. In other words, the "You can't pester each other" rule doesn't mean you do your chores, she decides just to not do hers, but you have to just be okay with that.

If she cannot agree to that, then she is potentially less mature than her child, and you deserve somebody better. You are not a single parent to two children. You are not asking so much here. Just that she do her part. You are not being unreasonable.

If I were you, I'd end the relationship and let her learn how quick things will go to Hell without you. You deserve a woman for a partner, not a child. Maybe I'm being overly cynical and there are redeeming qualities that make the relationship one worth fighting to keep. That is your decision to make. But, to me, if she can't even show enough caring and respect to do things that should be a normal part of life anyway, then it doesn't sound like she deserves you in the first place. Good luck.

[Apex]

The biggest issue in this picture: Your woman has a poor attitude, and you are losing yourself with this live in situation. Where did your hobbies go? where did your free time go? It sucks that you have tried to pipe up on the matter, but she doesn’t take those discussions seriously. The problem is if you keep going this route you will start building resentment to this person and her kid, and you might snap! I would have suggested getting a dry erase calendar to put on the fridge where you both have different colored pens to fill in your responsibilities of the week - but if that doesn’t work then what? Start buying paper plates and styrofoam cups because you’re tired of doing the dishes every day?

You need to be honest with yourself and ask what kind of lifestyle you want, because you don’t sound pleased with this relationship. If you don’t think she is going to change her attitude, then you are probably right. As for feeling like you screwed up. Remember this - it is your decision to stay with this woman. If she doesn’t change her attitude on house responsibilities then do you want to marry her? Are having common interests, and getting along enough for you? Don’t feel like you have to do all the things out there for this person hoping that she will put the same amount of effort into things, because that is not how relationships work - don’t take on a savior complex.

Finally, when it comes to showing love - It’s always better (and free) to show love through positive conversation: be attentive, sensitive, funny, respectful, and be affectionate. Occasional gifts are nice but on your own terms. Don’t feel like you owe gifts, or need to offer yourself to chores or taking on greater financial responsibility to appease her - This rule applies to any other woman that you end up with. Just don’t feel like you need to do EVERYTHING for this person, because you don’t! You have to get rid of that behavior. Stick up for yourself and decide what you want, if she doesn’t change her attitude - then find out when the lease expires and get out of there! What you are asking for is a partnership - a contributor to the household and that's reasonable! No you should not commit to being a man servant. Good luck!

[TheEvilJester]

You know, I think Apex summed it up really well. You want a partner, not a "boss," nor somebody who is basically the equivalent of another child for whom to care. You aren't getting that because it seems like she seems to think she can contribute nothing and just use you. That is not okay. You deserve better, just as anybody else would, really.

EDIT: Hey! Look at that! I actually AM capable of keeping it somewhat short from time to time. LOL!