my girl and her deceased ex..

[netingbutdat]

I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year now, and early on I learned about her ex boyfriend. about 4 years before I met her, she was dating another guy for about 5 months. He ended up overdosing on pills and alcohol. in the five months that they were dating, she pretty much took care of him because he was addicted to meth and pills. he also managed to cheat on her with in those 5 months..

despite all of that, he is the love of her life and she has been distraught ever since.

regardless of how short or rocky the relationship was, (the shortest she's ever been in) I still completely understood where she was coming from and respected it completely.

to be honest, at first I was a little uncomfortable with it. she has his cloths in her closet, and in her room she has a chest of some things like the some beer cans he drank a lighter he used, and a small bottle of liquor that someone bought for him the day before that he never drink. and his hat hanging on her wall.. I do understand that people grieve differently, and me and her got along so well that I gave it a chance and figured over time it would be easier.

now we've been dating for about a year, and she still has the chest of things in her room, his cloths in her closet, and can't get through hearing a sad love song without crying and thinking about him.. She told me she loves me and never wants to lose me. Thats its just a different kind of love then what she had with him..

she wants to move in together now, but the idea of her moving all of his stuff into our room makes me uncomfortable..

and I still understand to an extent, but its not like it was a really long or positive relationship.. and how she still is more in love with him than anybody else. I don't mean that to sound insensitive because I don't want her to ”get over it” or ”move on” necessarily, but I also don't think it's healthy for her to have all those things around reminding her all the time about it.. and to be honest, it does still make me uncomfortable. I'm not jealous or anything, but when she talks about him or her see that chest in her room I just get a sick feeling in my stomach.. I don't know how else to explain it and I don't know how to talk to her about it.. she mentioned wanting to talk to a counselor about it about 6 months ago, but never mentioned it again is acting like it's not needed.

at this point I feel like it's going to be like this forever I don't think I can stay for that. I have nothing against the girl, and I really love her, but this sick feeling in my stomach is really hard to deal with.

if I decide to break it off with her, I dont know whether I should tell her that that's a big part of it, or whether I should say anything about it. I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to rush her or give her an ultimatum because I'm not.

somebody please give me some advice, I need at least some outside perspective on this. also feel free to ask any questions.

thank you so much for your time,
R.C.

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[hoxtonchris]

she cant let go,dont despair tho,she dosnt love him more than you,for her to feel the same way about you ,you would have to be dead.intime ask her this,,,,,,if the good lord were to give her the choice of going back to when they first met but she could choose to meet him or you who would it be,,,dont ask her yet tho ,she needs to forget him a bit more and fall for you a bit more b4 you should ask her,,,ok good luck

[purple_roses]

She sounds pretty twisted. What her and that guy had was not love. You can't fall in love or even know what's going on when your high on drugs constantly and do them so much that u die. Also cheating on so early in the relationship. That's not love. The only thing I see is she may be feeling guilt. Like she should of "saved him".
That seems very odd she crys over love songs about him instead of thinking of you.
Idk about this one..

[Wakeup]

Don't move in with her when she's in this state. Doing so would be the worse thing you could do for your own emotional well being.

If you're going to stay with her then tell her this next time she brings up wanting to move in with you... "You're not ready to move into a live-in situation with me or anyone else as long as you are not finished grieving a man that you only speant five months with" In fact, tell her this now and ask her to get the professional help she needs to get past this.

She has codependency problems if she would even stay with a guy she just met that has alcohol and drug problems. Most people who are GOOD life partner prospects would immediately distance themselves from someone that has those kinds of problems. Don't be her white knight (google white knight syndrome and educate yourself). Leave her if she won't get the help she needs. She's with you because you are care taking HER now. Stop enabling her to not have to get over him.

[quote]

she cant let go,dont despair tho,she dosnt love him more than you,for her to feel the same way about you ,you would have to be dead.intime ask her this,,,,,,if the good lord were to give her the choice of going back to when they first met but she could choose to meet him or you who would it be,,,dont ask her yet tho ,she needs to forget him a bit more and fall for you a bit more b4 you should ask her,,,ok good luck

BTW: Doing ^^^ that will prove NOTHING to you. She will say that she would want to be with you because she knows that is what you would want to hear and it is what will keep you from leaving her... you're her crutch right now and she doesn't want to fall flat on her face without something (someone) to keep her up... Like I said, don't enable her to remain in this mellowdramatic state she's become addicted to being in. Leave her if that is the only way she's going to get past this.

[woody]

Finally something I've actually been through.
Years and years ago my ex fiance killed himself. It took me years to get over all the what if's, the guilt, the pain, the suffering. AS I write now, though it has been a dozen years, my eyes are filling up.

Death of a loved one, perhaps especially the a death under strange circumstances are filled with so many questions that will never be answered. This, is most difficult to move on from.

I would imagine your sweetheart has many regrets, many what if's, many guilts associated with his demise and the only thing that will offer her closure and I'm sorry to say this, is time....

She keeps his things because it is all she has of him. She is very fragile right now. His death wasn't too long ago.
Only you and her will know if it is right to move in together. If you do, I suggest buying or making a beautiful box, a chest of sorts for his things. That way, your maintaining respect for her ex, the box can be placed safely out of common area's and you won't need to see his things hanging next to yours.
Be patient, compassionate and kind. Good luck

[rest77]

This is what Op is going through....

I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year now, and early on I learned about her ex boyfriend. about 4 years before I met her, she was dating another guy for about 5 months. He ended up overdosing on pills and alcohol. in the five months that they were dating, she pretty much took care of him because he was addicted to meth and pills. he also managed to cheat on her with in those 5 months...................

..to be honest, at first I was a little uncomfortable with it. she has his cloths in her closet, and in her room she has a chest of some things like the some beer cans he drank a lighter he used, and a small bottle of liquor that someone bought for him the day before that he never drink. and his hat hanging on her wall.. I do understand that people grieve differently, and me and her got along so well that I gave it a chance and figured over time it would be easier.

..now we've been dating for about a year, and she still has the chest of things in her room, his cloths in her closet,......

.....she wants to move in together now, but the idea of her moving all of his stuff into our room makes me uncomfortable...

...she mentioned wanting to talk to a counselor about it about 6 months ago, but never mentioned it again is acting like it's not needed.

at this point I feel like it's going to be like this forever I don't think I can stay for that. I have nothing against the girl, and I really love her, but this sick feeling in my stomach is really hard to deal with.

I doubt if his making extra beautiful box that would enable her to continue mourning her ex would help both of them..

If you do, I suggest buying or making a beautiful box, a chest of sorts for his things. That way, your maintaining respect for her ex, the box can be placed safely out of common area's and you won't need to see his things hanging next to yours.
Be patient, compassionate and kind. Good luck

[woody]

Help him? I thought he wanted to help both of them.
good grief.
People mourn man. These things take time, can't be forced to gain closure because it makes him feel uncomfortable.

Hey, you been through something like this? Well I have.

You think he wants her to stop mourning or do you think he just doesn't want to see this deceased ex's stuff lying around?
designating a wooden box, trunk, chest for his things would get it out of sight, be respectful and still allow this lady to mourn, which is a natural F-- ing human thing to do............

[netingbutdat]

Thank you for your replies.

I totally understand that people mourne. I do not wish to make her do it for me or rush it or anything. I would never ask her to do that.

that being said, it still hurts me a little when im reminded about how much she still hangs on to him. Im not mad with her or anything. But that doesnt make it easier..

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I cant just ignore this feeling. so I guess what im asking is; Do I tell her how I am feeling? Or is it a case of 'out of my control, it is what it is' and break it off so I dont continue to feel like this. I dont want toget resentful..

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aactactually got to read everything. Thank you Woody, I really appreciate that advice. That is definitely something that I havemt thought about. Thank you everyone fore your thoughts

[Wakeup]

Do yourself a huge favor and do not move in with her until she's a little more indifferent to this six month relationship with a dead drug addicted alcoholic. There is more issue to this then grief.

How well do you really know her?

[netingbutdat]

I actually know her pretty well. we've had a great relationship, never really fought, and were pretty open about everything. Thats the only reason im thinking this hard about it. I mean i've had relationships , I dont feel like im putting her on a pedistole. it's not that often when a girl like this comes along. Who I will genually be excited to see her every time I do. I mean usually, even if ive been dating someone for a bit, I still hold time by myself valuable and necessary to relax and enjoy being alone.. But not with her. I can relax just fine when im with her. I even recently took her on a vacay to meet the folks, and it went great. She's not an emotional mess, or a drama queen. And she's pretty humble, (not to mention pretty cute.)

So she is great and we work awesome together... besides the whole ex thing (among other minor things.)

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I do know I can't move in with her atleast. Maybe I can give it a bit more time though and see how it goes.

Thank you all for your opinions~

[Wakeup]

I actually know her pretty well. we've had a great relationship, never really fought, and were pretty open about everything. Thats the only reason im thinking this hard about it. I mean i've had relationships , I dont feel like im putting her on a pedistole. it's not that often when a girl like this comes along. Who I will genually be excited to see her every time I do. I mean usually, even if ive been dating someone for a bit, I still hold time by myself valuable and necessary to relax and enjoy being alone.. But not with her. I can relax just fine when im with her. I even recently took her on a vacay to meet the folks, and it went great. She's not an emotional mess, or a drama queen. And she's pretty humble, (not to mention pretty cute.)

So she is great and we work awesome together... besides the whole ex thing (among other minor things.)

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I do know I can't move in with her atleast. Maybe I can give it a bit more time though and see how it goes.

Thank you all for your opinions~

That's good to hear because jumping into a relationship with you before she's processed her grief is a red flag. "Rebound" comes to mind as does "fear of being alone" and "You'll do until I get my self-worth back and I'm past this grief and then I'll have to confidence and I'll want to explore more as I jumped from one relationship into another."

I know I sound cynical but when someone starts something with someone new when they're not over the someone old (even if it's through death or breakup its still considered grief) then the "be cautious" alarm starts sounding. It obviously has for you as well or this thread wouldn't exist.

Good luck.