He Dumped me Because I'm "Too Stressed" Over My Custody Battle

[montanamommy]

Hi everyone. I'll sum this up because it's an extremely long story.

My boyfriend is a Marine, in the Reserves as of 12/13. He has a daughter who is 8. He served in the Marines for 10 years, deploying twice, and working as a Drill Instructor the rest of that time. He is abrupt but loving. He works for the Sheriff's Dept. here in our county, and so I take care of his daughter every day/night while he's at work (he works many hours, overnight shifts).

He recently broke up with me as of yesterday, because he says I am too stressed out about a custody battle which I am having over my own daughter (age 7) with my ex-husband. The custody battle has turned extremely dirty on my ex-husband's part, and he has used my daughter as a pawn many times. He never partook in her upbringing, and so therefore, he's doing a lousy job taking care of her, and I worry constantly. I live 140 miles away in my hometown, and we share custody.

The battle has been rough, and my lawyer sucked, so I fired her. Looking for new counsel. It is very, very stressful, and many things have happened over the last few months to compound to my stress, bringing me to the near-brink of insanity. I have post-traumatic stress disorder and take medication for it, but that also contributes to my stress levels at times.

My boyfriend, as I said, dumped me yesterday. He said that I'm just too stressed out for "us" right now, and that the breakup isn't forever. He said he wants to get back together down the road, once I have everything in order and have my daughter in my full custody. To me, it felt like he was dumping damaged goods because he'd prefer to have me as I used to be--cheery, happy-go-lucky, stress-free, and fun. But a custody battle tends to hinder those happy emotions, and I admittedly have been drained, drained drained this summer.

Added to everything, I do all that I can for him. He also goes to college, and since he works overnights, there have been times when he's procrastinated his homework until the last minute, and I have (many times) had to do his class forums for him, and even essays (getting excellent grades for him). I take great care of his daughter, and she calls me her "half-mommy" and loves me as such. I love her as my "half-daughter", as well, and we have a great relationship. Since my boyfriend works overnights, he sleeps all day, so I am responsible for getting his daughter ready for school, taking her and a neighbor kid to school, keeping track of her grades, keeping in communication with her teacher, studying her homework with her, bathing her, etc. and putting her to bed every night. Not to mention, coordinating her play dates, sleepovers, etc. with other friends and family members.

I didn't mind doing all of this for them until my boyfriend started becoming distant after last week, when I was absolutely overwhelmed and broke down crying. yes, I was a mess admittedly, but not only was I PMS'ing, but I'm fighting a disgusting custody battle, raising his kid, taking care of his dog, doing all of the laundry, cleaning the house, helping him work on his dirt bike, and I work three jobs, as well.

Yesterday when he broke up with me, he said that not only was it my stress levels that were stressing HIM out, but that he is also up for promotion at the Sheriff's Dept. and he doesn't want anything from my custody battle making him look bad, ultimately causing him to lose the promotion. Since he's never done anything illegal or wrong, I don't see how this makes sense at all.

Ultimately, we decided that we should stay together, but that I should move out. I think this is extremely wrong. Not only does it feel like I've been taken advantage of, overwhelmed by him, and then tossed aside when I reach my breaking point, but I also am worried about his daughter and how she will handle it. She has had a rough life with her mother, whom has lost custody since. However, this child is in desperate need of a stable life, and my boyfriend wanting me to move out just will cause her more instability, and that worries me TONS. I love her to bits and pieces, and I can't bear the thought of her thinking I 'left' or anything else. She loves me so much, and this whole thing just seems so wrong.

This morning, I hopped onto his Facebook account while I drank coffee and was bored, and saw that he had deleted his relationship status. I asked him why, and he said it must have just done that automatically when I deactivated my account last week. But I've been on Facebook long enough to know that you have to manually change your relationship status, regardless of whether or not the other person has deactivated their account.

Advice? What the heck is he thinking? Am I nuts, or what? Should I fight for this? Thank you all sooooo much in advance for advice!!

[surfhb]

How long have you been dating?

You may not want to hear this but the reason we date is to find a person who fits our lives. It's possible all the drama and stress doesn't agree with him.

For me personally, I would not date a woman who's in a nasty custody battle, has PSD and is " insane" either. Btw.....you bet it could affect his career. He needs to be squeaky clean if he's a cop

I mean, you sound as if you need extreme therapy and medication right now. The love life can wait till you're healthy again

Why not take the time and get your life back on track, see a therapist and see where things go. You aren't the person he fell in love with is what I'm trying to say.....I think you need to get back to that place you used to be in before

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Ugh! I see you had good Replys on your other thread

Carry on and good luck

[bulrush]

I'm sorry you have all this stress. It may not seem fair for you to give so much to him, and then he leaves you. But it's not fair if he's not happy with you right now either. This is not a good time for you to date it seems. Don't take it personally.

Are you fighting for custody just because you're emotional, or is the kid really in danger? Has your kid (with her dad) complained to you about the conditions? Why did the court place her with her dad in the first place?

I'm divorced also and I know the courts are horrible, and in a divorce no one wins.

[montanamommy]

Thank you. And no, she doesn't like living with her dad. He had witnesses lie about me on the stand in order to make me lose primary custody. Our permanent parenting plan hearing is in January, and I can disprove all of the lies, which is good. But I hate seeing my daughter with him. He only did it to hurt me for leaving him. He never took an active role in her life, ever. Ugh it's such a long story. It makes me cry.

[Wakeup]

Like I said. Get working on your PTSD and get your custody battle worked out even if it means she spends time with him. (she won't want to spend time with him if you're showing her that you're anxious and upset that she's going with him).

From what I understand he's (he being who you speak about in your OP) actually broken up with you now. What is new with your recovery? You custody settlement?

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Thank you. And no, she doesn't like living with her dad. He had witnesses lie about me on the stand in order to make me lose primary custody. Our permanent parenting plan hearing is in January, and I can disprove all of the lies, which is good. But I hate seeing my daughter with him. He only did it to hurt me for leaving him. He never took an active role in her life, ever. Ugh it's such a long story. It makes me cry.

BTW: Did you leave your daughter's father to be with this man?

[michelle23]

Forget about him. Ups and downs are apart of life. Partners support each other through the good and bad no matter how stressful it gets. Your supposed to be a team but he bails at the first hurdle.

Hes not strong enough for a real life relationship. Nothing is ever cheery or perfect all the time. He should grow a pair really but hes not your problem anymore.

Look after you and your child and best of luck with the custody battle. Try to stay positive and keep fighting. When the time is right, you will meet a man worthy of your time.

If i were you i would tell him its over for good and not to come back. Who needs a mouse when you can find a man