Confused

[User1]

Hey, so I am going to write my novel of a story and hope that I can get a few messages of advice to make me feel a lot better and hopefully help guide me out of my position.

So in June I started dating a girl who is 8 years older than me (34), things started off slowly and we were friends for a few weeks before I finally kissed her and we started officially going out a week after that.

At first I began to have gut instincts that she may be hiding things from me as she had a password on her phone and would always move the screen of her phone away from me if she was messaging and it was the same with her computer, but I didn't really feel that it was a massive issue at the time.
So as we kept seeing each other more it only took a month before we were both saying that we love each other.

Within that month she had mentioned that she wants to plan for a baby within the next 2 years to which I agreed to, of course I needed some time to think about that but I was fine with that.
Just after a month of going out I had a gut feeling that she was meeting a "male" friend somewhere but seemed to be hiding it for some reason so I went to where I thought she was and she was there just chatting her her male friend, I walked off after I had been seen then later ended up going back to her place and getting emotional about it all and ended up telling her about my past and past girlfriends cheating on me.

About a month after that I walked in to her unit (as I have a key) but had not told her that I was coming over and ended up staying there the night, but got woken up by her telling me she was really anxious that I have to leave (this was at about 1am) so I left and ended up sleeping in my car outside her place.

On that Sunday I asked her what was wrong and she said that she wants to break up and that she needed space and time without a relationship, so that happened then we went to the beach and had a nice day as if nothing ever happened.
The next day would have been our 3 months of going out anniversary and we went out to dinner and I slept on the couch at her place, but she came out and said "this will only make us stronger" and I ended up just lying in bed next to her (we always sleep with nothing on and this didnt change)

For the following 3 weeks we saw each other prety much every second day and we constantly message each other every day, most of the time at night when going to sleep she says I love you xx so I respond back the same, in person when we spend time together we still kiss and hug and hold hands like a normal couple would do.

I found out that in those 3 weeks she had sex with another guy three times at least, when I confronted her about it she said that it was just sex because she didnit want love involved like it was between us, but couldn't be in a relationship because she didnit love herself and her life was so bad at the moment.

I didn't speak to her for a day or so but then started talking again, whenever I go over to her place and just watch tv with her we kiss and I sit there rubbing her feet but we never have sex, we have been close but then she pulls away and says its too hard.

Just this past weekend I took her away on a holiday and we had a really good weekend away as if we were a normal couple, there is no tension when I grab her hand or put my arm around her or lay in bed and hug her. We had a spa where things almost happened but again she pulled away and I tried not to get frustrated at that but it is hard to understand how she can tell me every day that she loves me so much and kisses me and holds hands, still even undresses in front of me, just everything a normal couple would do in a good relationship.

When we got back last night we had dinner together and watched tv, she came over to me on the couch and laid there in my arms and every now and then we would kiss but it just made it so much more confusing, then I left but she sent a message saying that she was scared so I drove back and laid there next to her in bed. This morning we were hugging and I felt the chemistry between us but then she said she had to get up and that was it.
I am just so confused right now, she does not seem the type of person who would be using me but I just don't know.

This morning I mentioned looking for a place together with 2 rooms just to ease financial stress and she said I don't think it would be a good idea now because we don't know what will happen in the future and it might make things difficult, this is true but I am just confused as to what I should do exactly.

Do I try to pull away from her a bit or will that make her just want to find someone else, I just have so many questions but no answers.

Of course this is just as much as I can think to write at the moment but I have tried to write out the best possible timeline and information.

[iCraze]

There's an old saying, "If you love something let it go, And if it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never yours from the beginning". In short, Let her go. She's no good for you. How is that it's too hard for her to have sex with you, but when it comes to someone else she's willing and able?? IT DOESN'T COMPUTE. Leave her and find someone who will appreciate you and be a help meet, instead of stringing you along like this woman is.

There's something far worse than a young fool, and that's an old one. Get out now before you become an emotional wreck.

[TablesandChairs]

She's playing silly games that she's too old for and you're too young and possibly inexperienced to realise how shady and weird this all is.

She won't have sex with you but casual hook ups are fine? Erm. She wants to act like your girlfriend but sex is out of the menu? Is she using you for something? Are you forking out $$?

She's taking your for a ride. You're 26, you don't need this shit.

[purple_roses]

She wants you for emotional support and she wants her other guys to meet her sexual needs. She can't have both if she's in a relationship with you. And she's already told u she doesn't want a relationship.. So it's your fault for bowing down to her every need and being her doormat. You know what kind of girl she is. She's not changing anytime soon. Your only hurting yourself. U could be spending time on someone who actually cares about you and is available for a real relationship. I'm sure there's MUCH more shes hiding from u that u don't know about.

[Wakeup]

I found out that in those 3 weeks she had sex with another guy three times at least, when I confronted her about it she said that it was just sex because she didnit want love involved like it was between us, but couldn't be in a relationship because she didnit love herself and her life was so bad at the moment.

I suggest you google "boarderline personality disorder" and read about HER.

Then, I suggest you google "The Symptoms of Codependency" and read about YOU.

Get the fk away from her NOW before you lose every bit of testosterone you have left as she whittles away at your maleness, your ego, your self-respect, your self-esteem and you're ballz shrink to the size of walnuts.

She's N.U.T.S AND you're not far behind her if you stay with the likes of her.

[User1]

Hey, so I have been really stupid but I have a few updates in my situation. I have read all of your replies and honestly it has got me through the last few days knowing that there are people who are giving me good advice and the right advice.

So on Tuesday she made plans with me but decided to move those plans to Wednesday for some reason, which I found out was just a reason so she could have sex with her "friends with benefits" guy. I found this out because I actually saw them, I even texted her asking her what she was doing and she outright lied to me which she would have obviously done but that just proved to me how easy it was for her to lie.

The thing is now I know that she feels guilty and I know that she doesn't know that I know who it is and when she did it last.
I think tonight that guilt showed as we were going out for dinner and she got in to a mood and wanted to go home, whe we got home she said that she doesnt want to hurt me anymore and should not be in my life anymore, me being the stupid person I am explained to her for the next 30 mins that she makes me so happy and has not hurt me.

On Thursday she asked if I wanted to have a baby with her next year and said that she sees us getting back together but not in the near future and would i wait for her, me being stupid again said yes of course i would.

I just can't shake my feelings for her, whether it is the companionship or true love but I also feel that I can never truly trust her again.

[Wakeup]

Get help. You're mentally incompetent to be looking after yourself.

[User1]

It is absolutely wrong that I have anything to do with her, but I think it's about wanting to know more aswel, just wanting to know what else she has lied about etc you know what I mean, it's the not knowing things that kills you.

[Wakeup]

No it doesn't "kill you." Just stop being obsessive compulsive when it comes to anything to do with her. You can stop by using aversion therapy. E.g.: Put an elastic band around your wrist and when ever you get a thought about her, about a question about her lying, about who she is with, about hope that she's coming back.. then you snap that elastic band so it stings and then you consciously change all thoughts of her or what she's up to something more pleasant and thought distracting.

She's not a good life mate and she will try to hoover you back only to leave you once again when some other guy gives her some attention. She's NUTS so get the fk away from her and heal thyself. If you can't do it on your own, then get professional help with it.

[moneyspills]

She won't have sex with you but casual hook ups are fine? Erm. She wants to act like your girlfriend but sex is out of the menu? Is she using you for something? Are you forking out $$?







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