Update.....would like some adivce

[standingtall]

Some of you may remember this post..........

New to this forum and thought I would get a third party's advice on a pretty serious issue.

Let me paint the picture......have been separated since July of 2012 and divorced since January of this year from a 20 plus year relationship. I have children and am in their lives on an almost daily basis. Over the last several months, the x and I have been talking about reconciliation and putting the family back together. During the last several months of our separation and divorce, both her and I have been seeing someone. Both relationships have been finished with the understanding the we both want to work on putting the marriage back together.

Here is the kicker......during the final night of her relationship with this OM, they had what I will call 'break up' sex and she is now pregnant! She is 43 and has not had a child in 5 years. I was a little taken aback but what could I say? We are indeed divorced......it was her life. Since being back in the same town as her and my children again, I have heard a thousand 'I'm sorrys'. She has told me that she is not going to tell the baby's father that she is pregnant because she does not want him in our lives as we move forward. She is about 4 weeks along.

I still love this woman, minus the last two years, we have a long and good history together. Part of me is screaming to support her and love her through this and to raise the child as if it were my own. The other part of me is yelling 'run to the hills'! Has anyone gone through a similar situation? I think I know what I need to do but would love to hear some feedback!

Well, crazy as reared its ugly head. She has told the baby daddy that she is expecting (which in my opinion was the right thing to do) and as you can imagine he is excited and wants her back now. What this revelation does for me is that it COMPLETELY takes reconciliation off of the table. Period! I did not want her to get an abortion but I refuse to be a part of their lives knowing that one of her past sexual partners is going to be around for a long time to come. Is this very selfish of me? What should I say to her? If anything?

Need some common sense talked into my head right now..........

[Wakeup]

What? You want us to talk you out of your own personal boundary?

Frankly, I'd not want anything to do with the whole situation either. Unless she got an abortion and quit talking to this guy altogether, I'd keep myself divorced.

I don't think you two were meant to be a couple, that's why this shit storm has rained down on you.

If you're going to stay with her then I seriously recommend that you get into marriage councelling and some personal therapy. This is way too much for any one to just accept and carry on without some professional help.

I think it would be different if she already had the child and you were going back to her having ended it with the father and he was no longer in their lives.

[TablesandChairs]

Standingtall...I'm one of those people that believes that sometimes, obstacles are placed in our path in order to prevent us from making a mistake. If it wasn't for a certain obstacle being placed in my path some time ago, I would have never met my now husband.

It seems like this decision was pretty much made for you and I don't think it's as bad as it feels right now.

Realistically, it's hard enough reconciling with someone you have divorced (and all the bad blood that involves) without the added bonus of a new kid (that isn't yours) and the kids father who wants her back.

I think there's someone better our there for you.

[purple_roses]

The women in your area must all suck because I don't know why u feel your only option is to be back with your 43 yr old, pregnant by her boyfriend, slutty, irresponsible, exwife. Get a grip dude and set some standards.

[standingtall]

The women in your area must all suck because I don't know why u feel your only option is to be back with your 43 yr old, pregnant by her boyfriend, slutty, irresponsible, exwife. Get a grip dude and set some standards.

Lol....got your point. The women here do not suck.....lol. She had the nerve the other night to look at me and tell me that I am not strong enough to deal with this. Hmmm....but I AM strong enough to realize that I don't have to put up with this BS. I see the pain in my children's eyes (they have NO clue what is going on).....they just want Mom and Dad back together. At what cost though? I don't think its worth it. Yeah, this decision I think has been made for me. I do believe that obstacles like this are put in peoples lives for a reason. There is someone better out there.....and I am half tempted to give her a call tonight!

[TablesandChairs]

Don't do anything under stress. Rebounding isn't a great thing - it takes the edge off momentarily, and lands you in hot water for a lot longer. At the end of the day, I'd rather be in your shoes; free to meet someone new with your kids nearing the age that affords you freedom and the opportunity to pursue travel, hobbies...whatever. At 42/43, I personally wouldn't want to be stuck raising a baby on my own. Her relationship with this other man may not last; she's already broken up with him once and as you now know - children aren't enough to keep relationships together. Yes, would definitely rather be you.

You haven't lost anything - you were already divorced. Sure, you lost a second opportunity but who is to say that would not have ended in disaster? Perhaps you would have gone back to your old 'Mr. Steady' ways almost involuntarily because unfortunately, once precedents are set in relationships, they are close to impossible to break. You eventually find yourself in the same role, with the same issues.



Your kids are all you need from that chapter of your life.

[woody]

I like the way T&C^^ put it.
Though gallant of you to have even considered it, the whole thing sounds like a major heartache in the forming.
Look, she's got months to go. You will always in some form be in her life due to your children. Focus on them. Their going to need you.
Be a pillar of something steady they can rely on and let the other two adults figure out how best to raise their child along side yours. You will always have a say because, well, your Dad. Never forget that. You will always be their Father.

[moneyspills]

Realistically, it's hard enough reconciling with someone you have divorced (and all the bad blood that involves) without the added bonus of a new kid (that isn't yours) and the kids father who wants her back.









[url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1ry2p_zYMg]How To Contact Your Ex[/url]

[standingtall]

Thanks to all the advice.

I have spoken to the counselor/therapist that I have been seeing and we really feel that (as has been mentioned above) the best course of action for me right now is to be strong from my children and back away from the train wreck that she has created. She ripped into me pretty good this last week......'I need someone strong! Someone that will do anything for me!' Well, anything covers a whole lot.....a whole lot of garbage that I don't need to take on.

It will be tough for a time but me being 'strong' and walking away from someone that I still care about is the strong thing to do.

[Wakeup]

"I need someone strong, someone who will do anything for me." Your ex wife has issues if she thinks she's ever going to find a healthy, put together man that would acquiesce to that 'need.' She's delusional.

I'm glad you figured this out with the help of a professional therapist. Good luck and give your kids and yourself a big hug from all of us.