Already forgiven him twice...Am I a fool?

[lilyokla]

I've been been dating this guy for 3 months and things have been going really well. We're taking it slow and see each other about 1-2 times per week. So here's where I need advice:

When I met him he told me he was 32 (I'm 27), never married and no kids, and that he had moved from the east coast a year ago. Honestly, I don't have a problem with older men and, actually, I've only dated older men. I told him this little fact about me when we were just getting to know each other. Some people (I understand not all) will look up someone online before they start dating and I did just that. Online searches indicated that he's actually 37. Initially I didn't think too much about it as information on the internet may not be accurate; however, I decided to bring it up a few weeks later. We were having dinner when I casually asked to see his license (I jokingly said I wanted to make sure he is who he says he is). He hesitated at first but took it out and showed it to me. His DOB indicated that he is in fact 37. I was confused and upset that he had lied about something so trivial. I asked him why to which he responded, "Honestly, it was stupid and I don't know why I lied to you." I mentioned to him that I've only dated older men and was confused why he would lie about a small age gap. He didn't have an answer and looked visibly upset. He apologized and said he would understand if I didn't want to see him again. I accepted his apology but asked him if there was anything else I should know, that if there were other facts about him that he's hiding it's best to just tell me now and I wouldn't be upset. He looked me in the eye and said there was nothing else. As we were leaving, I told him that I'm still going to look him up online to make sure he's telling me the truth. He said I have every right to do that but assured me there was nothing else he was hiding.

A few weeks after this small bump, I decided to look him up again. Everything at this point checked out, but there was one thing that didn't make sense to me. He had told me he only has a sister and brother who live in the state and the rest of his family is still on the east coast. Long story short - I found a woman on FB who lives in the same city, shares his last name (she used to go by a different name), shared similar addresses with him (both in our current state and on the east coast). I found her as she had liked a FB page belonging to his company. Her page wasn't completely private so I was able to view a couple of pictures - one with them together at a baseball game (about 2 years ago in our current state as well as a picture of her with a teenage boy who looks like the guy I'm dating). Additionally, on her timeline she had a post of the date she and him met (and he liked this status). I thought about all of this and didn't want to make assumptions about him. So I asked him if we could talk. Well, I came right out and asked him who she was. He responded, "A family member. Why?" I asked him to try again. His response? "Where is this coming from?" I flat out asked him if he is/was married to her. His response? "I'm feeling attacked here. Where is this coming from? You're putting me in a corner and I don't like it. How do you know this information?" I told him by not answering he's already given me my answer. He said there's no point in answering as I seemed to have made up my mind. I eventually told him how I came to know this information, that I told him I was going to look him up again. He finally answered: "She's my ex wife." I was calm but very upset. I told him I wasn't upset he's divorced; I was upset he lied to me, repeatedly. It was a huge lie and I felt disrespected. I asked him further questions: "Are you still romantically involved with her? Are you separated or divorced? Why did you lie?" He answered that he was not in any way involved with her and that he was divorced after four years of marriage. The reason why he lied was because it was a difficult time in his life that he did not want to be reminded of. This is when I asked him who the teenage boy in the picture was. He was annoyed I asked and didn't answer initially until I reminded him it's better to tell me now. He eventually told me that he has a 15 year old son. Again, I mentioned to him I wasn't angry he has a child or that he's divorced, I was only upset and disappointed he lied to me. We talked for quite a bit and I finally said to him that I needed to see proof he was in fact divorced as a way to build back the trust. He said absolutely. He apologized again and I accepted his apology; however, I told him not to mistake my forgiveness as a sign of weakness. I asked him if there was anything else I should know. He said no, that this was everything. I told him we're starting from the beginning and I'm giving him another chance. We all make mistakes and I'm not one to judge. He looked visibly angry when talking about his ex so I can see that it didn't end well between the two of them. As we were leaving, I mentioned to him that he can share facts with me about this part of his life when he's ready; I won't be asking him further questions about it. He said that if I have any questions that I should ask him and not keep anything that's bothering me.

So...the next day I was in bed and, well, I decided to look her up again. Her FB page was now 100% private (her pictures and timeline). I found this odd, very odd. I honestly can't think of an answer as to why. They're still friends on FB by the way. So this is where I'm seeking advice. Should I bring this up? Is this a red flag? Why is she suddenly private after I found out this information? Seriously, I'd appreciate advice on this. Oh, and I completely forgot to include this - the pictures I saw on FB were of him in our current state from two years ago when he told me he had moved here a year ago. What?!

[Wakeup]

I've been been dating this guy for 3 months and things have been going really well. We're taking it slow and see each other about 1-2 times per week. So here's where I need advice:

When I met him he told me he was 32 (I'm 27), never married and no kids, and that he had moved from the east coast a year ago. Honestly, I don't have a problem with older men and, actually, I've only dated older men. I told him this little fact about me when we were just getting to know each other. Some people (I understand not all) will look up someone online before they start dating and I did just that. Online searches indicated that he's actually 37. Initially I didn't think too much about it as information on the internet may not be accurate; however, I decided to bring it up a few weeks later. We were having dinner when I casually asked to see his license (I jokingly said I wanted to make sure he is who he says he is). He hesitated at first but took it out and showed it to me. His DOB indicated that he is in fact 37. I was confused and upset that he had lied about something so trivial. I asked him why to which he responded, "Honestly, it was stupid and I don't know why I lied to you." I mentioned to him that I've only dated older men and was confused why he would lie about a small age gap. He didn't have an answer and looked visibly upset. He apologized and said he would understand if I didn't want to see him again. I accepted his apology but asked him if there was anything else I should know, that if there were other facts about him that he's hiding it's best to just tell me now and I wouldn't be upset. He looked me in the eye and said there was nothing else. As we were leaving, I told him that I'm still going to look him up online to make sure he's telling me the truth. He said I have every right to do that but assured me there was nothing else he was hiding.

A few weeks after this small bump, I decided to look him up again. Everything at this point checked out, but there was one thing that didn't make sense to me. He had told me he only has a sister and brother who live in the state and the rest of his family is still on the east coast. Long story short - I found a woman on FB who lives in the same city, shares his last name (she used to go by a different name), shared similar addresses with him (both in our current state and on the east coast). I found her as she had liked a FB page belonging to his company. Her page wasn't completely private so I was able to view a couple of pictures - one with them together at a baseball game (about 2 years ago in our current state as well as a picture of her with a teenage boy who looks like the guy I'm dating). Additionally, on her timeline she had a post of the date she and him met (and he liked this status). I thought about all of this and didn't want to make assumptions about him. So I asked him if we could talk. Well, I came right out and asked him who she was. He responded, "A family member. Why?" I asked him to try again. His response? "Where is this coming from?" I flat out asked him if he is/was married to her. His response? "I'm feeling attacked here. Where is this coming from? You're putting me in a corner and I don't like it. How do you know this information?" I told him by not answering he's already given me my answer. He said there's no point in answering as I seemed to have made up my mind. I eventually told him how I came to know this information, that I told him I was going to look him up again. He finally answered: "She's my ex wife." I was calm but very upset. I told him I wasn't upset he's divorced; I was upset he lied to me, repeatedly. It was a huge lie and I felt disrespected. I asked him further questions: "Are you still romantically involved with her? Are you separated or divorced? Why did you lie?" He answered that he was not in any way involved with her and that he was divorced after four years of marriage. The reason why he lied was because it was a difficult time in his life that he did not want to be reminded of. This is when I asked him who the teenage boy in the picture was. He was annoyed I asked and didn't answer initially until I reminded him it's better to tell me now. He eventually told me that he has a 15 year old son. Again, I mentioned to him I wasn't angry he has a child or that he's divorced, I was only upset and disappointed he lied to me. We talked for quite a bit and I finally said to him that I needed to see proof he was in fact divorced as a way to build back the trust. He said absolutely. He apologized again and I accepted his apology; however, I told him not to mistake my forgiveness as a sign of weakness. I asked him if there was anything else I should know. He said no, that this was everything. I told him we're starting from the beginning and I'm giving him another chance. We all make mistakes and I'm not one to judge. He looked visibly angry when talking about his ex so I can see that it didn't end well between the two of them. As we were leaving, I mentioned to him that he can share facts with me about this part of his life when he's ready; I won't be asking him further questions about it. He said that if I have any questions that I should ask him and not keep anything that's bothering me.

So...the next day I was in bed and, well, I decided to look her up again. Her FB page was now 100% private (her pictures and timeline). I found this odd, very odd. I honestly can't think of an answer as to why. They're still friends on FB by the way. So this is where I'm seeking advice. Should I bring this up? Is this a red flag? Why is she suddenly private after I found out this information? Seriously, I'd appreciate advice on this. Oh, and I completely forgot to include this - the pictures I saw on FB were of him in our current state from two years ago when he told me he had moved here a year ago. What?!

The fact that he keeps repeatedly lying to you about himself is the RED FLAG. Is he the only man in your city and that's why you're still giving him chance after chance? Surely you're smarter then what you're leading us to believe.

A mere three months dating, WTF: Whats your issue that you've not told him yet to go fvck himself?

[TablesandChairs]

Your post reminds me of an unfortunate experience I had with online dating that mirrors yours uncannily. I guess these guys aren't that unique.

People get divorced all the time; why would he need to lie about it? Easy - because there's more to the story. Lying about his age on a dating site is obvious - he set his age to 32 so his profile becomes visible to women who have set their age limit to early 30's (for example, a 25 year old woman might set her range to 25-33). It also gives him access to profiles that have set that same age limit (on some dating sites, you can choose to only be visible to people who fit your criteria). So, he was after a younger woman. Easy.

His (ex?) wife's profile has become invisible because he has access to it; he's logged in and heightened her security level, probably without her knowing. If they were divorced, he wouldn't have access to that. He's also ensuring you can't message her to confirm his lies. Easy again.

I know this because I've been through the same thing...we could be talking about the same person. The guy I dated wasn't just after sex; he wanted the whole relationship experience...while still living with his wife who he had no intention of leaving. Weird.

This guy isn't serious; people after serious relationships don't go in with these big, fundamental lies. He expected you to be a lot dumber than you are, clearly. Have you been over to his house, out of curiousity?

[lilyokla]

Thank you for the responses. I truly appreciate the advice.

No, I haven't been over his place (he's been over mine). There are a few reasons for this: I didn't want to go over until we both got tested, so we waited until we had results. Also, he says he's dated stalkers in the past and doesn't feel comfortable for someone knowing where he lives just yet. Reading what I just wrote, uh, yeah ... I think I'm pretty stupid.

If he neither invites me over nor shows me proof he's divorced then I'm done. So should I wait another week to see if this happens?

[michelle23]

Lol I actually found myself laughing at this. Sorry but its just mental that your even bothering to interrogate this guy. You have known him a few short months, he has told you two very serious lies and its kinda obvious he is still married but you are refusing to see it. Why do people like you choose to walk around in the dark blindfolded? Denial is an amazing thing..

Just cut him off already and stop with the BS. there is no way in hell I would interrogate some guy I just met like some sort of private detective. I would just tell him to **** off. Stop wasting your energy. Hes not worth it

[Wakeup]

Thank you for the responses. I truly appreciate the advice.

No, I haven't been over his place (he's been over mine). There are a few reasons for this: I didn't want to go over until we both got tested, so we waited until we had results. Also, he says he's dated stalkers in the past and doesn't feel comfortable for someone knowing where he lives just yet. Reading what I just wrote, uh, yeah ... I think I'm pretty stupid.

If he neither invites me over nor shows me proof he's divorced then I'm done. So should I wait another week to see if this happens?

Should you wait another week. WTF? He's lied to you several times. You should block and delete him TODAY for Christ sakes.

[purple_roses]

Do u always stalk men you date? I mean really.. This is rediculous you are stalking and obsessing over finding info about him. If you can't trust a guy DUMP HIM. Quit looking pathetic by spending hours online looking up stuff. That's so weird.

[Wakeup]

Doesn't matter what she finds even, she just keeps giving the lying chump another chance.

Op: You're what I call "A Player's Dream." No matter how much you discover you just keep ignoring the evidence. Pffft. To Answer your question: Yes, you're a fool.

[woody]

She went private because he probably called her and told her you were snooping about. Or, he did it himself. This is his past. His.
Look, I get why your upset about the lies but you were snooping before you knew about the lies which then prompted more snooping. Not the fairest foundation for either of you is it.

They are his family, divorced or not, his family. He has a son with this woman and though they are divorced they will always be in each others lives because of their son. Always.
His need to keep this private could be just. You just met him and he may have needed time before he told you all the inner details of his past. (still, not the best approach) but in his mind, He may need to know you better before having you to his home and/or telling you about his past BUT

here be the flip side. If it walks like it, talks like it, smells like it, well then, it usually is. Meaning, yes, there are a few red flags here. On both sides in my humble opinion. Him for lying in the first place about important stuff and You, for snooping about a little too much right off the get go. But obviously you had your reasons. You must have been sensing he wasn't telling the truth.

Chalk it up to lessons learned. Older man seeks younger woman assuming she'll be less complicated. Well, lesson learned for him too then. Indeed.

[TablesandChairs]

OP, you're 27 and while you're still young, there's no reason to invest time/energy into people like this. You know all you need to know and the fact that you haven't stepped foot in his house in 3 months speaks volumes...it basically says he knows how to play you because believe me, a more experienced woman would have told him to jam his stalker story up his backside. I'd already met my partners parents/friends/house mates within the first month of dating...things are very simple and transparent when people don't have anything to hide. Someone who lies like it's a sport isn't the kind of person you want to end up with...and any excuses you make on his behalf will end up hurting in the end.

Online dating can be tricky...it gives pretenders like this an easy platform. But there are also plenty of genuine people on there...so while you're wasting time with Pinocchio, you're not meeting anyone better. He's 37, probably still married, has a child...and roams the internet with a profile full of lies, looking to bait younger women...surely you can do better?

[LoveCoachChloe]

Hi there! I've read through your experience and I'm sorry to hear that you have to experience a man like this! Dating has always been tricky especially since we may never know what the other person is thinking about so we may never be fully exempt from being lied to. However, I do have one question and it may seem rhetorical since you've spent so much effort into checking up on him already, is this: Are you really THAT into him? In other words, why are you still in a relationship where you know he's lying and your gut feeling is probably already telling you to leave? Are you in love with him (or at least like him enough) to already look past all of his wrong doings? Or are you just staying because you don't want to be defeated by all the lies he's been throwing your way?

[lilyokla]

Many thanks for the replies. While I do appreciate the thoughtful feedback, I found a couple of the posts extremely disrespectful. Resorting to name calling or putting others down is completely unnecessary. Is this only done because you're behind a computer screen, or are a couple of you
really that mean in person?

Yes, I really do like this person. Prior to me finding out, we were really enjoying spending time together.

Again, thank you for the (respectful) feedback. I do appreciate it.

[Wakeup]

Many thanks for the replies. While I do appreciate the thoughtful feedback, I found a couple of the posts extremely disrespectful. Resorting to name calling or putting others down is completely unnecessary. Is this only done because you're behind a computer screen, or are a couple of you
really that mean in person?

Well, I can't speak for anyone else but if someone asks me a question, I'm going to be kind enough to tell them the TRUTH. If they ask me if I think they're a fool, and they are absolutely being foolish then I will agree that yes, they are.

Yes, I really do like this person. Prior to me finding out, we were really enjoying spending time together.

So what? What is the point of liking him? He's married and he's a liar. Forget him and get on with your dating. Or, continue to be foolish and give him yet another chance to tear you apart emotionally as you become more and more in "like" and then he never commits to you while he schtuups away with free abandon.

Most people who discovered what you did would have immediately told the guy to go to hell. You should to.

Good luck, plenty more in the sea where he came from. Eventually you'll find one that's available to be yours.

[michelle23]

People come here for honest advice. Since most of us here are in long term healthy relationships with honest people and we are honest ourselves-you should listen when we tell you that you cannot trust this guy. Hes showing lots of red flags but your still there. The blunt "mean" people here don't get walked on by players like him in real life so sometimes its better to take the criticism, swallow your pride, dump him and be thankful the people here were kind enough to tell it like it is instead of feeding your denial and allowing you to walk straight into a brick wall

[TablesandChairs]

I think this is something that the OP will need to convince herself of.

You say: "Yes, I really do like this person. Prior to me finding out, we were really enjoying spending time together".

But that's not enough, is it? Hanging out, having fun...all good and well but this is probably the extent of what he's capable of offering you. How about a future? Openness and honesty? Telling you the truth without nagging or prompting or detective work. These are important things...in 3 months, what do you really know about him? If you hadn't taken the initiative to play private investigator...you'd know absolutely nothing true. Maybe not even his real age.

Just proceed with caution and try not to invest too much of yourself until things are a lot clearer.