Hardest decision: Choosing boyfriend over family

[trinamichele]

I'm 25 years old (chinese-american) & currently living at home. My dilemma currently stands with the decision of moving out with my boyfriend against my parents wishes. I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years now and we're incredibly committed to each other. We are planning on getting married & being together for as long as the universe will let us. However, my parents don't want me to move out. They're your typical Chinese parents who have HUGE cultural expectations. They've said in the past multiple times that they don't think my boyfriend and I will last. They've even gotten my sister to make me out to be the villain where I'm "purposefully" being with him to "spite" them.

Note: I don't have much freedom being under their roof at the age of 25. I currently reside in California and if I wanted to take a trip out to Vegas with my friends or even go on a trip somewhere; I would not be able to because my parents would not "let" me. The only things they are okay with are me going to places within a 30-45 minute commute. Even though they've met my boyfriend and have invited him over for dinners; even if I wanted to take a short trip with him even up north to San Francisco; they simply would not "let" me. While everyone else I know my age can go where the hell they want! I have coworkers and friends who travel across the country for fun and I'm sitting over here thinking things like, "I can't do that because...my parents won't let me."

Please also keep in mind, my parents used to physically abuse me for well over 15 years. My mother even ended up in jail for child abuse. The physical abuse isn't so much there anymore, however, constant verbal abuse and negative things are always said. For example: I got home from a long day of work and I go to see how their day was...First thing that is said to me is "You are ****ing obese. You are so fat. You need to lose weight." If the negative comments aren't about my weight; it's about my mexican boyfriend.

I've been working at my job for over 4 years now, steadily. However, I haven't completed college yet (only some) and as much as I would LOVE to wait until I obtain my degree to move out; that could be minimum 2 years. I'm exhausted of living at home because of the way my parents treat me and the way they treat my dog (mainly how my dad treats my dog). I'm incredibly appreciative of all the things my parents have done for me, but I'm at the point in my life where I finally want to make a decision for me. I want to move out with my boyfriend and start our lives together. We have plans of marriage and living at home with my parents who aren't his biggest supporter doesn't help me one bit.

Almost 3 years ago, I made the attempt of moving out with him and for the 3 months I was living with him; every time I talked to my family; it was always "If you move back home, we'll give you more freedom" or "We'll let you have the car" or "Why won't you let us provide for you?". My sister said things like, "You don't even care about the family. You don't care that we're hurt." My sister would try to emotionally guilt me every conversation with "Mom can't even sleep and she's crying every night".

I need some real advice on what to do because my boyfriend and I are planning to move out in March (his lease ends at that time) and I know my parents are going to throw a tantrum about me moving out. I know my mom is going to try to stop me any way she can, whether it be by saying I can't or physically grabbing me.

If anyone has dealt or know anyone that has dealt with a similar situation: How did it pan out for you/them? Am I a bad person or bad daughter for wanting to make a decision that I ultimately have wanted for a long time? What is your best advice on dealing with these cultural expectations my parents have of me?

[TablesandChairs]

There's no easy way, unfortunately. I was in your shoes and as angry/hurt/upset as they were - they got over it eventually. You can try softening things - telling them you'll always be there, that you're only going a few minutes away (or whatever distance), that you'll come by often...but that didn't really work for me to be honest. I actually had to call the cops to escort me out of the house because mum wouldn't let go of me...it was pretty intense lol

It's stifling being the kid of immigrant parents; they don't understand that their culture isn't our culture...so you really just have to pluck up the courage to do what you need to do, knowing that they'll survive and eventually learn to accept things.

[trinamichele]

There's no easy way, unfortunately. I was in your shoes and as angry/hurt/upset as they were - they got over it eventually. You can try softening things - telling them you'll always be there, that you're only going a few minutes away (or whatever distance), that you'll come by often...but that didn't really work for me to be honest. I actually had to call the cops to escort me out of the house because mum wouldn't let go of me...it was pretty intense lol

It's stifling being the kid of immigrant parents; they don't understand that their culture isn't our culture...so you really just have to pluck up the courage to do what you need to do, knowing that they'll survive and eventually learn to accept things.

I know it is personal, but when you called the cops did your mom cry? What was going through your mind? How was it the first few months after you left? Did they beg you to come back?

I'm just trying to prep myself for the worst cast scenario.

[woody]

trinamichele,

You are a grown woman and you must do what is right for you, no matter what form of guilt trips, double edged swords they throw at you.
Of course you don't want to hurt your parents (though they have hurt you) but again, you have got to get out of there.

If your worried about the fall out on the day you finally move out, I suggest doing it a little at a time without their knowledge. Meaning, pack a box here and there and move it to your sweethearts place stealth mode. That way, on The Day, it'll be quick and easy.
I had a friend a long time ago in a eerily similar situation. We waited until her parents were asleep and moved her stuff out through her bedroom window in the wee hours of the morning. She left them a note. She felt so liberated and free, finally. I suggest you do the same.
Was she sad they didn't give her their blessings? Of course. But after years of being pretty much imprisoned, she knew if she stayed, she would risk never leaving. They too did not approve of her american bf. Well, they were wrong. They now have two beautiful children and are doing very well indeed. It took years, but eventually her parents saw the error of their ways and broke with tradition and finally welcomed him to the family.

I hope you and your sweetheart find a way to be together without the burden of overly controlling parents.

best of luck to you lady.

[relationship55]

I agree with woody! You are grown and you can do whatever you want to. I know it will be a difficult process though because you don't have your parent's wishes, but the decision is ultimately yours.

[purple_roses]

It's time to start being a grown up for Christ sakes. 25.. Cut the cord.