Separated and still in the same house

[smackie9]

Do things in baby steps. When you see at all what you need to do, you are just overwhelming yourself, and this depletes any motivation. So I suggest to set small goals for yourself that are more realistic. Just pick one thing, and set aside everything else. It's no different when you need to organize your house. It's easier to set aside time do one shelf in a closet than doing the whole closet. Finishing small things will help you feel accomplishment, which in turn will help with the motivation.

[JohnPeel]

Its funny that you mentions wanting to say something but can't in person. Because over the last few days I have been getting so much nasty shouting down from her, that at one point she was inches from my face telling me how she had no money and wanted money from me, and her face went a colour I haven't seen before on her, with her face turning almost inside out with the strain on it. I have to say, it actually scared me a little, as I really thought this is were she lashes out and strikes me. But she pulled back.

She then left the house to not return for 2 days. It was her usual tactic of beating me down, making me feel like crap, so she can be happy on her way out the door. Sick! She then sent me an email telling my how bad I was and all that. Followed by a phone call telling me sorry for shouting at me like that. This was the first ever sorry from her for that.

I was sick and tired of not being able to say what I was thinking, and so replied to her email. I know, but I just had to get it out and to get it out to her face and for her to actually hear it was not likely, so I wrote it, and after hours of wondering whether I should, I decided I wanted to and did.

"Firstly I do my very best not to engage with you when you go on a verbal attack with me. As I am not like you and I find it very difficult to defend myself against the onslaught of foul language and insults which you hurl at me en masse. I also find it draining, hurtful, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach that a person who is supposed to love you, can be so hurtful. I will try to reply to your email as best I can. You are responsible for so much and yet you have taken no responsibility, and simply blamed me for everything, which is totally unfair and plain wrong.

We ended up in Wales because you said you wanted us to move as far away from you’re Dad as possible, just in case something bad happened to your mum, because you said that it is you that you’re Dad would expect to look after him and not your other sisters. But you said that if we didn’t move, then we would have to split up, and you continued this threat for most of the time we have been living in Wales. I have been telling you I wasn’t happy here from the moment we got here, but you made it clear that if we left here that you would end the relationship. It was my family and daughters you wanted to move away from to further isolate me.

You kept me like a prisoner, rarely able to do anything without you or to see my friends and family on my own without you verbally attacking me or you ending the relationship. I even asked you if we could have just one day each month to see our friends or families on our own, and you replied with “if you need time apart, you shouldn’t be together”. You wouldn’t even allow me a bike to exercise because you said “I would never see you”. If I was to work from home in a workshop, you told me I wasn’t to have phone, computer, or internet access for my website in the workshop, and would have to use the house, because again you said you wouldn’t see me. With regard to my daughters, what you said sums everything up “if your children disappeared off the face of the Earth tomorrow, I might suggest we give it another go”. That said it all, and regardless how you have beaten me down and treated me so badly with what I felt was controlling, jealousy, and manipulations, this statement left me stood looking at you in shock and horror as my eyes filled up with tears, and I will never, ever forgive you for that, not ever. I will never forgive you for a lot of things with regard to the way have treated me either. I could go on and on about the ways in which you made me feel I was walking on eggshells and controlling everything I did.

You have made me ill to the point of hardly recognising myself as the person I was before I met you. If I had let this go on without trying to save myself from you, I could have ended up in an early grave or a mental institution, but I did have the strength.

In moments of weakness though, I have wanted us back together. I searched to find the answers why a grown man can want someone back who has been so controlling and cruel, Stockholm Syndrome was one explanation that may have something to do with it, and there were others of course, but it seems it is natural for me to be feeling the way I do in this kind of situation. I have sought professional advice on what I am feeling and going through, and I have even attended a co-dependency group in the hope of finding out why I felt like I did for so long. Unlike you, I have sought help and understanding for the way I have been feeling, and it is a shame that you don’t seek help for yourself, because I feel you truly need it.

I have never been unfaithful or abusive in either of my marriages, and I will never commit suicide or bring harm to another partner, not for any reason, let alone for the breakdown of this marriage. You are deluded to think, and to tell others, that you fear I might commit suicide over this. You have brought me to an all time low point, but nowhere near low enough that I could do such a thing, and you won’t. I will recover from this, and I will thrive. In the meantime, I will continue to work with you to look after and sell this house, so we can both move on."

She replied with "So that's the story you tell. Whatever makes you feel ok with this situation".

That was 2 days ago and I haven't replied or spoken with her since. I feel there is nothing left to talk about or defend myself about. I know that maybe people will think it was wrong of me to send her such an email, but I am so tired of not doing what I want to do. I don't know what the backlash from this will be, but I don't care anymore. I have to do right by me and my daughers. I am worth so much more.

I spoke with my friends about what I had done, and they said if that's what I felt I should do, then so be it.

I went out on that date last night, and she was very pretty and full of life. We talked for 3 hours in a couple of bars, and I walked her to her car. I reached over to just give her a peck on the cheak, and she planted her lips on me. Whether or not I will see her again I don't know, even though she has told me she would like to. I agree with you all that I might not have the skills to not fall into the trap I am in right now, and I need to be the guy I was before all this first. I will keep my options open of course and may or may not see her again.

Sorry about that this long post, but I just had to let you know where I was up to.

[Wakeup]

I'm starting to see troll written all over this. Surely no one is so codependent that they would allow this treatment instead of walking out and coming back when the witch was asleep... even to stay living there?????

[JohnPeel]

Wakeup, I have just sent you a Private Message explaining that I am not a Troll, but then thought what am I doing, this should be on the post, because that comment really made me stop still and I felt so ashamed of myself. I had never sent a Private Message to anyone on here before, and why should I. The whole point is letting people know how I am feeling and what I am going through. Wakeup, I know you struggle to understand how anyone can go through this, I struggle daily wondering the same thing, but I am, and I struggle all the time with how I could have ever got myself into this mess, and how I am struggling to get out of it.

[woody]

No your not a troll. Your ex is but not you. No, you are simply a man in need of some cosmic advice. I don' t think Wakeup meant you, I believe she meant your ex wife.

J.P, when we are in dire need of help yet have few to turn to, this site and others like it can offer valuable insight and a compassionate approach from many.

How I wish you could just get out of the situation your in. I really wish she'd just move on and leave you alone, let you have your house back; but you were with her for many years so enduring this lengthy break up isn't so unusual.
Just know there are many strangers around the World that have read your story and have your back. Know it. The concern and support is genuine....

Everything will be alright.
There is no quick fix here. You must continue preparing for a whirlwind of emotional roller coaster rides regarding your situation but never lose sight of your goal. Do not go back. Only go forward.
Stop the manipulation; recognize it, school it and rise, rise above it. Breath deep and you will find reserves of strength

There is no sugar coating here. These next months will be difficult; indeed they will but as each week passes and if you hold strong to your rights, with time the hurts will decrease. She will lose her power over you and eventually go quietly; at least, that's the hope.

John, go be with your Family. I'm sure your daughters miss you dearly and need to know their FAther is alright. This will give you more strength.

If there is any way to assure your home stays with you, perhaps it would be best if you could afford a separate home while dealing with your ex. So long as she can't scoop it up (your house) from underneath you, if you can, find a spot away from her and once she leaves, you can move back....food for thought. Meantime, you have yourself a great HOliday Season.
kind regards
woody

[JohnPeel]

Thank you woody.

One more thing before I let you all off the hook for Christmas. My wife text me tonight to say that she got the email I sent her and that due to the allegations, she thinks it is best that I leave the house and she stays in it. She said we cannot be in the same place together.

The thing is, she is threatening me to leave or face some sort of charges for me email, but I have not threatened her in any way by writing it. I have pointed out that she is doing damage to me, not the other way around.

Besides that, I am registered as disabled on mental health and physcial grounds due to PTSD, situational anxiety and anxiety for which I take medicatons for. She is registered as my carer for which she gets an allowance off the government which she keeps herself.

I find it hard to imagine that it would go down well that a wife who is a carer for me, kicks a disabled person out of his own home.

She has made her intentions clear as day, she wants the house to herself and me out. I have now got to put an action plan together to stop this, so I will have to speak to social services first to see where I stand, and let them know my situation and ask for another carer.

I will also have to explain to them that I am being treated in therapy for domestic abuse from my wife/carer. I will seek a solicitor and file for divorce, as the solicitor says that she is not entitled to an equal share of my house because I bought it with compensation money that was mine for the purpose of easing my life.

I was told by you lot that I had a dangerous person here who would do anything, and you were right. Wow, she is something else.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to you all and I hope the New Year is even better than the last. Thanks again for all your support.

[Wakeup]

Don't leave that house without getting a lawyers advice first.
Stop giving her anything in writing.
Keep everything in writing she sends you but ignore it.
Do not wait until after Christmas to contact Social Services.. do it tomorrow before the Christmas break.

Let us know what your lawyer says about you leaving there.

Have the best Christmas you can under the circumstances and do that by spending it with your girls.

[dontaskme]

Stop communicating with her as any kind of verbal/ written discussions with her can possibly be twisted and used against you. Save your breath and try to control yourself when she provokes you as everything she does is probably done on purpose to get some kind of reaction from you that she is recording. Remember, she is a cold and calculating bitch.

If you can, go to the physician who diagnosed you and is treating you for your PTSD and have yourself evaluated for worsening of your symptoms. If she is your caretaker, you can use the physician's medical/psychological evaluation against her to get rid of her as your caretaker and also use that on your divorce case. The justice system is not very forgiving to abusive spouses (verbal, physical, mental and/or emotional).

Good luck to you and happy holidays.

[JohnPeel]

Oh dear, what a pickle. I went to the police station today to see what I could do about her telling me to get out of my house. I told him everything about my situation of course, and he said he had never seen an adult male come into his office and break down on the spot before saying a word.

He said she could change the locks but I could get access straight way. He said that he felt for me and the police would be checking in on me by phone from time to time to make sure I am OK. He asked me if she has been physical with me or threatened to and I told him, but I was being treated for domestic abuse.

He told me to go straight to a solicitor and file for divorce, so I did but the solicitor told me that they couldn’t help because there was a conflict showing that SHE had already beaten me to a solicitor. I got home and she told me she had tried to get an injunction on me and has spoke to the police telling them that she was scared for her life, that she thought I would kill her or harm her in some way, badly. She said she is writing a will so that if I kill her, her half of everything goes to her family and not me or my children. She is really really sick. Even the policeman I talked to told me he thought she sound like a psychopath.

I couldn’t believe what she had done, and I was sat on the chair while she told me how the house might not sell for 3 year or more and there was no way she was going to live in it with me for that time, so she had to do something and was advised to do that. But to tell the police she thought I would killer is just amazing.

The police told her that because there was no prior problems or records on either of us, that they would just keep an eye on her to make sure she was safe, and if there was any threat that she should contact them straight away. I phoned the police officer I talked to earlier, and he was off duty but said I could ring him anytime and that he had my back on this, which was amazing as I had never hear a copper say or be like that before.

When I phoned him this time, he didn’t seem surprised, and told me not to be bullied out of the house. He also said there was no record of her contacting the police as he would have heard about it because he dealt with calls for our area, and if she had made the call to the police from Liverpool, then it would have been passed on to our area.
He said it maybe that she hasn’t phoned anyone and she may just be trying to encourage me to leave the house. But not to take any chances because she is seriously out to get me and he will do what he can to see that doesn’t happen.

I was going to stay in the house tonight, but was told it would be a very bad idea because she has expressed her intentions and tonight could be the night she pretends I have hit her and I spend xmas in prison. So Im staying at my sisters tonight.

[smackie9]

Why are you not documenting this? You have a phone record the conversations, take video, etc.

- - - Updated - - -

Anyways since you have no record of any kind, they will not buy her story. I don't care if she beat you to a lawyer, you get one, because you have rights, and character witnesses.

[dontaskme]

Get an attorney ASAP and file for that divorce. You are both entitled to a representation by a lawyer. Make sure you get a good divorce lawyer and not any fly by night divorce attorney as there are many of them out there. Let the attorney explain all your legal rights and what you are entitled to. You can be entitled to half the worth of her business and she maybe entitled to half yours as well. Look at the laws in your country in reference to division of marital property. Make sure you educate yourself of your legal rights.

Don't engaged in any form of conversation with her. Don't even be in the same room as her. If she is indeed a psychopath (which she sounds like one), she can intentionally hurt herself and pin the blame on you and you can be charge for physical abuse and that can hurt you on your divorce battle.

Is there anyone you can ask to stay in the house with you? You are entitled to have someone there with you since it is still your house.

[woody]

HOly flippin F___ John! She's a nutcase; a dangerous one. Dangit man, you have got to take the advice Wakeup and Dontask are giving you. You have got to get backup. She's a real humdinger. We told you; we told you she'd bring out the low blows, the big guns and you couldn't quite believe it. Well now you know.

Do not give her any ammunition. Do not go near this crazy person. She has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that she'll do anything to F__ you up. Pardon the language but I feel it is warranted. She's nuts. DAngerously nuts.

As they said, document, record but be clever about it so she can't accuse you of recording without her knowledge; don't know the laws where you are but here, that's a no no. So, make some music and when she comes to your abode, forget to pause the record button so you have a viable excuse down the road as to why you got her threats recorded too..
Look, I'm sorry your going to need to get a little clever and clandestine if you will, but you need to protect yourself, big time.
Get an attorney. Dontask has good advice; I believe her family is in law so there you go.
Continue talking with this Copper. Document everything. As the others said, do not talk to her, at all. Smile and nod. Give her NOTHING. Do not leave your property if she is threatening you this way but try to get someone there to stay with you as a witness.. When she approaches you, somehow, you must record it but offer nothing in words back. Keep a journal and get a guitar; anything that warrants a recording device you can conveniently have on already when she knocks on your outside trailer door.
Dang, what a piece of work this one is. REport her. Report to everyone you can. You must get back up anywhere you can get it.

It's crunch time. She knows your done with her and now she can be as wicked as she wants. AS the Cop said, even he thought she seemed nuts. Well she is John and you have a divine right to protect yourself and your family against her wrath so get ready, its already begun.

WE are wishing you well man. By God, wishing you well. Get through this. Just be smart about it. Do not be fooled by her. Please be careful

[JohnPeel]

It is Christmas day morning, and I feel I am done with all the fighting to keep a house. I am tired and worn down by it all, feeling I am going to have a nervous breakdown, stroke, or heart attack. I am constantly sad and each time I get some strength, she puts me right back down with no effort at all.

She told me how her last husband smashed a coffee table and she had him yanked out by the police. The husband before that she beat around the head (while her friend was attacking him from the front) was sacked from the force. Another guy she was living with and had a house with tried to kill himself. Me, well I have been through enough crap, and I am going to now walk away.

If I try to hold up in that house on my own, I will be subject to being nothing more than a prisoner until it sells. If we try to stay in the same space while it sell, well, you know what will happen then, she will no doubt find a way to have the police yank ME out. She is a master at her craft, and I really don’t stand a chance. I don’t want her, I don’t want the house, I don’t want to be feeling like this on a daily basis.

I am putting all the stuff I want to keep, in a storage container and selling what I can, and getting out of Dodge. The house is in my name, I will appoint a solicitor to deal with the house and all legal matters, give the estate agents a set of keys and tell them to do what they have to to sell it.

I know that some will say “stand and hold your ground” “she can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do” but you know my Cyber Friends, I am hurting more than anyone can imagine, and I am becoming sicker by the day, I am worth more than that. I don’t want her, I don’t want to live in that house. I want my daughters, my family and my friends. I want ME back, I want to live an normal and happy life, and the sooner I am away from her, the better.

Merry Christmas All

[woody]

You do what you feel is best. Your the one there going through it so while I think it's sad to walk away from your house, I fully understand that when the cost to one's self is too great to further endure her form of torture, one must do what one must do and if that means a total fresh start and darn the material losses, walking away could be your best choice..

[JohnPeel]

I arrived home today and have been staying with family the last 2 days. She was also due back today. I arrived home first, and I contacted the police again to let them know I was feeling nervous and anxious about her coming home. This was a different officer at the local station, and she told me that the other officer I spoke to is still carrying out investigations. She told me that she thought I was strong to come to them with this problem, and for seeking the help and support of a mental health team all these months with regard to the domestic abuse.

She said I have the right to change the locks on the house if I wanted to, and she would have to get an order to have permanent access and that she would go down the road of me having mental health issues and taking medications. She said it would be in my best interest to leave the property and let solicitors deal with everything, never having to communicate with her again directly.

My elderly neighbours from across the street whom are very worldly and wise, came over to see me today also, they told me they had the greatest sympathy for me, and they too felt I should run for the hills to save myself from her maybe trying something even more nasty. They said they had been watching things unfold for a long time, and talked with other neighbours and said they thought she was a psychopath and were there for me if I needed them. They said it is just a house and that it is still in my sole name and that won’t change. They have law background and told me that she will not be allowed to stay in the house for more than a couple of years before I can serve a notice to have her removed. I will ask the solicitors about this.

She came home travelling through thick snow, something she just would not have ever done before. She seemed desperate to come home as she knew I was there. She came in and said hi and would I like a coffee. She seemed happy that I was there and I thought of that film Misery for a moment as the snow came down. I just really can’t stand her and I feel sick with her just being near me.

I will see a solicitor on Monday and talk to them about what my real options are now, and if they feel I should leave, then I will. But if they feel I should stand my ground and have everything going for me, then I might fight on. The thing is, and I know this is going to sound really strange, I get a really weird feeling that she would do anything to keep me here with her and would notch it up yet another gear when I tell her I am getting a van and moving my stuff out. She may even tell me that she will move instead, but maybe I’m dreaming a bit there.

If I leave from here, I will stop paying all the bills and will not be popping back to maintain the 2 acres of gardens, the chickens, the maintenance on the building, or any emergency repairs. These will be all hers. She might get a lodger, but they won’t last five minutes under her OCD rule, no way. But then, I couldn’t care less. Just the thought of being able to block her phone calls, her emails, any contacts she tries to make, will feel like heaven, I just know it. But first I have to escape in one peace!

I remember my sister telling me in the first few weeks of our split 5 months ago, that I needed to leave the house at that time and stay with her, but I didn’t listen. I thought I would be strong enough to deal with whatever crap she could throw at me. If there is any advice I could pass on to anyone leaving a BPD partner, is get out and stay out ASAP.

I am sleeping with one eye open tonight.