Separated and still in the same house

[JohnPeel]

.............

[JohnPeel]

16 Nov 15

Had a really interesting morning yesterday with my solicitor and therapist.

My solicitor instructed me to not move out of the house completely, as my wife could do all sorts of things to stop the house selling and could even live in the house until she dies of old age. She said there were processes to help me get her out, but they were easily dodged.

She said not to worry about my wife trying to get an injunction, as my wife would need to go through a hell of a lot and have real proof her life was in danger, and that if anything came through the door to not panic at all.

She said not to rush into filing divorce while I'm still in the same house, and said that it won't make any difference if my wife files first because my solicitor is confident that it is me that will end up better off instead because the money used to by the house was my own compensation money awarded to help support me. Not only that, but I would not have to pay anything for the divorce.

After taking in all the information I had, she concluded that the absolute best plan for me right now is: to sit tight and hold on - Live life like a single person living with a pain in the arse roommate - Do everything I can to get the house sold - Not to panic with regard to what might come through the letterbox - Hope she meets someone else and moves out - Do not engage her if she pushes me - Come and go as I please - Take this time to get my health and fitness up - and do not engage in any sexual contact.

These were pretty much her words from what I took in. She said she deals with these kinds of cases all the time, but rarely has the victim had so much in the way of support (great family wanting to house me, good friends, daughters there for me, Police, Social Services, GP & therapy, The North Wales Abuse Team, and of course what feels like a great solicitor, and I haven't forgot my Love Forum Cyber Friends ).

She told me that everything and everyone is in place, and the only problem now is ME! She told me it is time I took back control of my life. And she is right of course, it just hasn't been an easy thing for me to do after all these years of living like this, and I don't expect it to be s walk in the park either. Not only did I spend over an hour with her getting advice, but she told me she would not be charging me the £250 fee! But that's it for free she said .

My therapist visit an hour later (I was 20 minutes late racing across town so as not to miss my session ) was good too. She agreed with everything the solicitor had told me, and told me I had now to do everything in my power to get out of what she called "free fall".

So there it is, there is no way I will let all this support and goodwill slip, not a chance. Just a case of getting my health 100% and selling this house.

Don't worry, I am still expecting plenty of tricks and nastiness from the troll, but now I feel better equipped and I am much happier now I have a good plan.

[Wakeup]

... and that is why I always advise someone who is being abused to go to: Social Services in their area, A lawyer and a Counsellor.

You sound much more in control of your own self, John and thereby, much more confident.

Cheers...

[JohnPeel]

24 Nov 15

It has been a week now since my last post, and things are very different here and with me. I have found I am much less interested in her, what she is doing, where she is going, what she is going to do to me. I just feel more relaxed and a little more in control. I can't quite explain the feelings to be honest. I know that the solicitor has played a big part in the way I feel though, just knowing I have a solicitor feels better.

The thoughts that my wife quite likely can't do much other than mentally abuse me, is something I find myself dealing with and handling OK. Of course, I am still very much aware that at any time she could do something completely nasty like pretend I have hurt her, but at the same time, I do feel it is unlikely. That isn't to say I am going to drop my guard, no not at all. In fact, I think I have a heightened awareness now that my mind is not clocked up with sadness and worry. I feel I know her better.

I go for my cycle and go to the gym most days, and although I will never be able to train like I once did before my accident, I find that I can still do most exercises when seated or supported, and have felt much better for it. The same with the cycling, I worried when I first started because of the damage to my spine, and I didn't like the traffic. But as it turns out, as I am seated on the bike I find this support enough and I am really enjoying it. Enjoying things more now this last week and being more relaxed feels good.

One of the problems up until a week ago, was that at night we would sit in the living room together watching a movie before going to our own bedrooms to sleep. This was a really bad idea but I felt that it was easier to sit and watch a movie than to argue my reasons why I didn't want to be in the same room as her. It makes me nervous and feel sick to be sat there watching TV while she might be next to laughing at the movie or texting away to her friends, just as though we were still together, then as soon as she was tired enough to go to sleep without waking up in the middle of the night, she was say goodnight and off she went to bed. I then toddle off to bed after hours of feeling like crap, waiting for her to say something that might get to me or hurt me.

This last week however, I have had tea and either gone to the gym or gone to my room and watched my own TV or used my laptop. She would come into my room with a snarly face asking me if that was it now, am I staying in my room for the night, before getting my reply of yes and leaving in a huff. It's not that I am not nervous about what I am doing, I am just much less nervous.

I look at her daily, and as each day passes, I dislike her that little bit more. In fact I am struggling to like her at all, and I know it may sound weird how I can like her even a little bit, but I think I do for the times that were good. I watch her now doing what I used to see was cute and nice, but now I see those same things as a way for her to get what she wants and nothing more. I seem to be able to see right through her falseness now.

My family have been on the phone to me this last week expressing their worry that I am not phoning them all everyday crying down the phone to them and making them feel sad at the same time. I have spoken to them all these last few days and told them how I am feeling and how I don't feel I need to be phoning them all the time now, and how I hope this continues. I think they were worried in case we had ended up back together, and I can tell you, there is not a cat in hell's chance of that happening.

I have bumped into some old friends of late, that live a mile from my daughters, and are hoping I move near them so I can join them in the same pub and catch up more. I might just do that.

In the meantime, here is hoping the house sells this summer and I can move on. I will reduce the price again next month, and every couple of months after that until it sells. My wife says that she needs 150k from the sale so she can move to a nice area, and that if it ends up selling for a lot less than 300k, then I should take the fall and end up with much less so she can have the 150k. Yeah right. I told her to swivel, she is just plain crazy and if I remember rightly, she tried this with her ex when he wanted to reduce the price of his house so they could move on. He told her to swivel too.

Anyway, that's my update. Don't get me wrong, I am feeling much more in control, but I am still nervous about how my looking more in control to her will be like a threat and she more than likely go on the attack. So I will not be dropping my guard any time soon.

[JohnPeel]

29 Jan 15

Have just found out that my ex has tried to contact my doctor near where I live and has been turned away, but she has been asked to put her worries in writing to him. She is trying to have me sectioned under the mental health act. The problem of course is that the mental health team that would be making the assessment, are the same that are treating me for the domestic abuses she is inflicting upon me.

I have made an appointment with my GP and again my Mental Health team to talk about this situation. This is yet one more worrying situation and it is amazing just how far these freaks will go. She sat in the living room facing me yesterday and told me how she knows I want her back and will do anything to get her back, and that is what is making ME dangerous. I didn't reply and have not said anything that would make her think that.

Anyway, this was just a short update.

[pcmaster]

This crazyness might come from silence, She must be old if shes already so far gone. Dont know your age guys just read your last post.
Now that you didnt reply she knows its true and you agree with her lol. Who owns the house you or her, you should be living together anymore.
Is this real life or a TV series? Are you sure you are not making this up. Seems kinda out of this world what you wrote. Then again this forum have seen it all.

[JohnPeel]

Oh its real alright. I own the house and its in my sole name, but we are married and that's that. I never would have believed this stuff if I hadn't lived it, it really is the crazy. You should read the whole thing. I read each bit I write at least once, and can't believe what I am writing half the time. It should be a TV series, like a Big Brother fly on the wall sort . Stay tuned anyway pcmaster. Age 51 me 53 her.

[dontaskme]

Don't you have privacy laws there? Your doctor cannot disclose information to anyone unless you consent to it.

Check into that.

You should also be documenting your wife's attempt to access your mental health record. You can file an official complaint against her for trying to invade your private health information.

[JohnPeel]

dontaskme, yes and I understand that is what happened, she was turned away from talking about me or my health, but was advised that she could put things in writing. I will look into how she attempted to talk with my GP when I see him and will also talk about this with my therapist whom I will be contacting today as a matter of urgency. I will also email my solicitor today and ask the question about filing an official complaint for trying to invade my health information. Good point and it will all help my case.

[JohnPeel]

Well the I talked with my therapist over the phone, and she told me that my wife would have no chance at all of getting me sectioned or even be convincing enough to make it look like it was me that had the problem, as my therapist gives my GP updates after each of our sessions, which I wasn't aware of.

My appointment with my GP this afternoon was pretty much the same. He tells me she would not be able to have me sectioned and he has a record of what has been going on with our relationship and tells me quite bluntly "you have to stop reacting to everything she says". He asked if I had a solicitor and I told him I did and told him which one, and he agreed it was the best idea.

He also said that he was going to leave me one bit of his own advice "this won't last forever". That was it, and I suppose it was enough.

I explained that I just couldn't help reacting, as I feared losing my home, ending up in prison, or being sectioned, and these had been real worries for me. I explained that after 8 years of being beaten down, I struggled to muster the strength to not react and to just get on with my own life. He said I am not alone, but I really have little choice, the marriage is over!

And so, no worries about being in prison, no worries about losing my home, no worries about being sectioned. I just have to stop worrying!

[JohnPeel]

5 Feb 15

Viewing on the house tomorrow and they are really keen about viewing it, so lets hope it sells.

On Friday it was her birthday (No, I didn't get her a card) and we both went out separately for the weekend.

20 Minutes after she left the house she sent me a text "I would have rather spent my Birthday with you than anyone else. I love you with all of my heart and just wish you would get your head sorted out".

We hadn't spoke for 4 days before this after I found out she had tried to my GP, which was confirmed by the GP. Since Tuesday we have been communicating on a basic level as we work to getting the house ready for the viewing tomorrow.

If this viewing fails I will reduce the price again in a months time when the flowers and blossoms start coming out. I don't want to be here another year like this.

I am also putting out a lot of CV's at the moment to keep me busy and to try to land a job on one of the many really big holiday parks around here. I think I would enjoy that and it will keep me busy so I can stop thinking and going over everything all the time. I'm driving myself crazy.

Fingers crossed anyway.

[woody]

Hey John,
Wondered how you've been doing. So, Ms.Crazy ways is in full on mode eh?
Well, as your Dr. said, 'This' stage won't last forever. Wise words really. Now if only you could find a way to phase out the nasty things said or the hurtful tones, you'd be in better shape. Yes, very hard to NOT react but it is do able. Just go to a happy place, buy some headphones and listen to music, earplugs work too. SEems odd but if you can't hear what their saying, it doesn't hurt so much right? te ehee.

Yup, stop going over things so much. You have put the ball in motion, dotted all the I's and crossed the T's so to speak; now you must sit back and let things happen because man, it's happening. You've done it! Now, it is the ol waiting game so start rejoicing a little more in what you have accomplished thus so far.

I think your doing better than you think.
and hey, remember, the further you get from her, the kinder she may be now and then but true colours will show when nothing she does phases you, so prepare for lashback as well. I'm pretty sure you know what I mean already.

anyway, your all good man. Everything is golden; know it, breath it, love it.

[JohnPeel]

9 Feb 15

Nothing much has happened really, other than me feeling better as time goes by. The viewers didn't turn up sadly, but that's OK, it will happen. I am under 19 stone (265lb) now, and feeling much stronger and healthier. Hard to believe I was over 23 stone (320lb) 6 months ago when we split. I was knocking on deaths door ham-handed, suffering from really bad depression and all sorts of sickness.

I no longer use an inhaler for asthma, I hardly use pain killers, I don't take meds for sleep apnea, and I no longer take any of my mental health meds. I really am on the right road, and I know that if I had still been in the relationship and not had the strength to say enough is enough, I might have been past the point of no return with regard to my health.

I just gave up, I was kicking a bit, but not a lot. Just enough to manage to end the relationship, and that was all I needed. I would say to anyone in this situation, that if you have even the tiniest amount of fight in you, it will be enough, use it. And if you feel you don't have any fight left at all, your wrong, you do, you really do. Fight!

[pcmaster]

Thanks ,John, thats inspiring.

[woody]

yes, inspiring..... I think we're all really happy for you John..really happy, good on you man.