Help...still in love with someone else

[Hazelnutfrappe1]

Hi,

I'm new to this forum and I'm hoping to get some advice that I need.
I'm in my early 30's and I got married about a year ago after being in a relationship for 5years. A couple of months before the wedding I found out that my husband to be could be cheating on me. I found him on an adult dating website looking for fun and to find someone to have an affair with. I first asked him if he was cheating on me and he wouldn't admit it so I had to tell him that I saw him on the website. He looked shocked, then he apologised and told me that he didn't actually meet up with anyone. I didn't believe him but I had no evidence of him physically having an affair with someone else. He told me that he wasn't looking for anyone but he was tempted to put himself out there because we weren't having enough sex.
It totally broke my heart and I couldn't believe he would do such a thing. I thought of not marrying him and broke our engagement but everything was arranged and didn't break up with him.
Before we got married, I asked him to go and see a counselor as a couple, we had about 5 sessions but didn't cover "my trust issue".
After getting married until recent, we were doing ok and I've been trying to forget what's happened.
But I constantly find myself looking into his phone maybe about once a month to see if he is cheating on me. I sometimes see myself searching if my husband is on a dating/affair website hoping I won't find him.
I also find him lying to me about small things like buying something I told him not to but he actually did without telling me. I was calm and had a conversation with him letting him know how it made me feel and I was upset because he hides things and not tell me.
The other day, I found my ex on FB he was dating someone and I messaged him wishing him happiness and congratulated him when he told me he was happy and his gf was nice.
This guy "Jack" I'm going to call, I was sort of with him about 10 years ago and we kept in touch (saying Hi every 3 years or so), I was deeply in love with him then asked me how my marriage was. I said it was ok. I didn't tell him my issues with my husband and told him that was my problem now and not his. I shouldn't have but I started talking about our old days and he started saying that first love never dies etc, but he told me that he was happy for me when I went marrying my husband because he wanted me to be happy.
10 years ago I was with Jack for a short term and I was seeing him while I was still in a relationship (I know I was doing a terrible thing to my bf at the time). We were hiding from public, but had such connection and felt very much together emotionally. I thought he was my soulmate but I chose my bf at the time and broke up with him. (We never had sex) The reason why I left Jack for my bf at the time was because I was with my bf for 5 years and he had been very supportive and I was really good friends with his mum that losing the relationship would be devastating for me. I eventually told my bf at the time what happened with Jack.
Back to the current story, Jack (not married but has a gf) said that he would come steal me away again if he could and that he still has love for me, we should be married and he doesn't understand why we were not together. I also still love him very much, I know it's wrong to feel this way and even to be having a conversation like this with Jack when I'm married, I'm aware of that...but I just cannot help myself thinking why did I not choose him to be with him, he would be emotionally connected to me, it makes me cry when he says he still loves me. He tells me he loved me more than this world and he wanted me, I told him I'm married and I just have to dream about it and he could do the same.. He tells me that he would fly interstates to see me and asking me to spend a weekend with him and he thinks it would take 1 weekend for me to change my mind and he assures me that we would be together forever this time. I told him that I would not play the same scene from 10 years ago and if I wanted this to happen, I wouldn't be doing this while I was married and he needed to be single as well. I want to see him but I know it would be a wrong thing to spend a weekend with him but I want to know where I stand.
What should I do? Would it be bad to have just one coffee with him?
I just feel emotionally torn and hurt, to be honest I feel I would do anything to have Jack but I am married (no kids yet) and own a house with my husband and I don't know what to do. I can't trust my husband because of the cheating issue we had and I know that I married him afterwards, but I just keep finding little secrets and can't help myself...I do love my husband but I also love Jack so much.
I didn't tell Jack about the issue we have because I know he would be so mad and might come to our house yelling at my husband.
Any advice would be appreciated..thank you in advance

[Wakeup]

Hi,

I'm new to this forum and I'm hoping to get some advice that I need.
I'm in my early 30's and I got married about a year ago after being in a relationship for 5years. A couple of months before the wedding I found out that my husband to be could be cheating on me. I found him on an adult dating website looking for fun and to find someone to have an affair with. I first asked him if he was cheating on me and he wouldn't admit it so I had to tell him that I saw him on the website. He looked shocked, then he apologised and told me that he didn't actually meet up with anyone. I didn't believe him but I had no evidence of him physically having an affair with someone else. He told me that he wasn't looking for anyone but he was tempted to put himself out there because we weren't having enough sex.
It totally broke my heart and I couldn't believe he would do such a thing. I thought of not marrying him and broke our engagement but everything was arranged and didn't break up with him.
Before we got married, I asked him to go and see a counselor as a couple, we had about 5 sessions but didn't cover "my trust issue".
After getting married until recent, we were doing ok and I've been trying to forget what's happened.
But I constantly find myself looking into his phone maybe about once a month to see if he is cheating on me. I sometimes see myself searching if my husband is on a dating/affair website hoping I won't find him.
I also find him lying to me about small things like buying something I told him not to but he actually did without telling me. I was calm and had a conversation with him letting him know how it made me feel and I was upset because he hides things and not tell me.
The other day, I found my ex on FB he was dating someone and I messaged him wishing him happiness and congratulated him when he told me he was happy and his gf was nice.
This guy "Jack" I'm going to call, I was sort of with him about 10 years ago and we kept in touch (saying Hi every 3 years or so), I was deeply in love with him then asked me how my marriage was. I said it was ok. I didn't tell him my issues with my husband and told him that was my problem now and not his. I shouldn't have but I started talking about our old days and he started saying that first love never dies etc, but he told me that he was happy for me when I went marrying my husband because he wanted me to be happy.
10 years ago I was with Jack for a short term and I was seeing him while I was still in a relationship (I know I was doing a terrible thing to my bf at the time). We were hiding from public, but had such connection and felt very much together emotionally. I thought he was my soulmate but I chose my bf at the time and broke up with him. (We never had sex) The reason why I left Jack for my bf at the time was because I was with my bf for 5 years and he had been very supportive and I was really good friends with his mum that losing the relationship would be devastating for me. I eventually told my bf at the time what happened with Jack.
Back to the current story, Jack (not married but has a gf) said that he would come steal me away again if he could and that he still has love for me, we should be married and he doesn't understand why we were not together. I also still love him very much, I know it's wrong to feel this way and even to be having a conversation like this with Jack when I'm married, I'm aware of that...but I just cannot help myself thinking why did I not choose him to be with him, he would be emotionally connected to me, it makes me cry when he says he still loves me. He tells me he loved me more than this world and he wanted me, I told him I'm married and I just have to dream about it and he could do the same.. He tells me that he would fly interstates to see me and asking me to spend a weekend with him and he thinks it would take 1 weekend for me to change my mind and he assures me that we would be together forever this time. I told him that I would not play the same scene from 10 years ago and if I wanted this to happen, I wouldn't be doing this while I was married and he needed to be single as well. I want to see him but I know it would be a wrong thing to spend a weekend with him but I want to know where I stand.
What should I do? Would it be bad to have just one coffee with him?
I just feel emotionally torn and hurt, to be honest I feel I would do anything to have Jack but I am married (no kids yet) and own a house with my husband and I don't know what to do. I can't trust my husband because of the cheating issue we had and I know that I married him afterwards, but I just keep finding little secrets and can't help myself...I do love my husband but I also love Jack so much.
I didn't tell Jack about the issue we have because I know he would be so mad and might come to our house yelling at my husband.
Any advice would be appreciated..thank you in advance

He's playing you for the naïve fool that you are. It's quite easy to SAY all those things and he's telling you what you want to hear.

Get off the computer and put the focus back into your marriage and if after only having sexual/romantic/infatuation type discussions with your HUSBAND without the interference of some azzhole that is so without integrity that he'd have these kinds of discussions with you knowing you are married, if hfter going zero contact with the azzhole for a year and only concentrating on your husband in that manner you still don't love him enough to stay with him, then and only then leave him but don't leave him for a d-bag that interferes in your marriage the way this one has.

What kind of man invites you to spend a weekend with him knowing you are married.... A player kind, that's what kind. Don't be stupid.

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BTW: If you respond (if you're even real) then please use proper paragraphs so you story isn't one large wall of text which makes it very hard to read.

[Hazelnutfrappe1]

Thanks Wakeup, really appreciate it.

I apologise that I didn't use proper paragraphs and made it very hard to read.

Since I'm the one in this situation, I really needed someone who doesn't know us to give me some advice so I really appreciate your honest opinion.

Does that mean if Jack really wanted me then he would have contacted me before I even met my husband?

Yes, you are right, I should focus on my marriage and work on it but I just don't know how to fix my trust issues, any suggestions?
When people have a similar issues like mine, do they ever gain the trust they once lost?

Could I please also ask why you thought I wasn't real? Just curious because I am real and struggling with this situation. Not sure why you thought I wasn't.

Thank you

[michelle23]

You married him knowing what he is capable of and now you cannot get it out of your head or trust him.

If you want your marriage to work, go and get counselling together, put all the issues on the table, deal with them and try to rebuild the trust or get a divorce and sell the house. Those are your options

Having your own affair is NOT an option. That is what weak, co-dependent losers do. If you fear being on your own then get over it. You cannot keep hopping from one dysfunctional relationship to another. Jack is currently cheating on HIS gf too with you so how the **** can you trust him? If he will do it with you, he will do it to you.

Stop all this BS. Either fix your marriage or leave. If you leave, work on your obvious low self esteem and self worth and set your standards higher when it comes to men. If you want the best then you gotta be the best which means being independent, no fear of being alone, high standards and expectations and know what your worth.

Right now the way you are behaving, you are just as bad as your husband and jack and you and your husband deserve each other.. you can either become better or wallow in your own misery for the rest of your life

[Wakeup]

Thanks Wakeup, really appreciate it.

I apologise that I didn't use proper paragraphs and made it very hard to read.

Since I'm the one in this situation, I really needed someone who doesn't know us to give me some advice so I really appreciate your honest opinion.

Does that mean if Jack really wanted me then he would have contacted me before I even met my husband?

Yes, you are right, I should focus on my marriage and work on it but I just don't know how to fix my trust issues, any suggestions?
When people have a similar issues like mine, do they ever gain the trust they once lost?

Could I please also ask why you thought I wasn't real? Just curious because I am real and struggling with this situation. Not sure why you thought I wasn't.

Thank you

It doesn't mean if Jack really loved you he would have contacted you before you got married... he's a douche bag who is playing you. Players can't be trusted EVER... even after they've married you more times then not they keep playing and the only difference is they sleep in the bed they share with their wife every night. Jack never loved you. Jack loves himself and the game.

If you want help with regain trust in your husband then go to your local library or book store or online and get books on how to overcome an infidelity, how to regain trust, how to get the love you want from the one you married and stop trying to fulfill some emotional void within you by getting the attention of other men who, while knowing you are married can tell you bullshit you want to hear because you're safe from having to commit to since you're already committed to someone else.

Google "How to Regain Trust In My Spouse After Being Cheated On" and educate yourself. There will be things that he should be doing to help you with that regaining so ask him to help you get back said trust which will lead the two of you back to a solid emotional connection that you can build a life on.

In the meantime, get rid of the asshole that plays you by telling a vulnerable girl what she thinks she needs to hear and who is interfering in your marriage. Zero contact with him because it's true, if he'd do it with you, he's not got the personal boundaries in place nor the integrity so he is quite capable of doing it to you... that goes for you too.

[Hazelnutfrappe1]

Thanks Michelle23 for shaking my head and straightening it up.

I agree, I need to be stronger and focus on myself and my marriage. I am well aware that I married my husband knowing what he is capable of and just because he cheated, it doesn't mean I should even think about having my own affair.

Thank you for your advice, really appreciate it.

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Thanks Wakeup,

Can I just ask why you think Jack is playing me? Are you saying he is doing this because I'm taken?

It's very hard for me to believe he is really playing me because he never seemed that way and this includes the time we spent together 10 years ago and the present. I would say more towards the past.. Is there any way of finding this out by asking him some sort of questions? I would really like to know for sure..

I will have a look on the internet to help me regain the trust I lost.

Thanks

[michelle23]

Jack is just looking to cheat on his gf and he knows it will be easy with you because you are in an unhappy marriage which makes you vulnerable, you have history and he knows you wont expect full committment or for him to leave her-at least not straight away.

Personally I think you married the wrong man and if you don't trust him, you should leave but stay away from taken men just looking to use you and heal first before you meet someone new

[relationship55]

I agree with michelle23! counselling can definitely help you guys!

[Hazelnutfrappe1]

Michelle23,

I understand what you are saying and I appreciate it but somehow Jack's actions don't match up with the "playing me" type so I would like to know what's going on in his head. If you know what I mean, and I would like to know for once.

The thing that makes me wonder is:
Why would he say that he wanted to know if he could change my mind (meaning for me to leave my husband for him) if we spent the night if he only wanted to cheat on his gf and have 1 night affair with me? Wouldn't he just ask for sex if he wanted to sleep with me and didn't have any feelings for me?

Are you saying that he is playing me although he has feelings for me still? I don't understand why he would tell me he still loves me... ?? And tells me that it took him 2 years to get over me and would have me if there was a chance? Just to get sex? Just seem very odd... All planed?

Maybe I did marry a wrong man, but since it is my marriage, I'm thinking we should probably go for some more counseling sessions and try.

[michelle23]

Yes you should try. You shouldn't walk away unless you are sure.

I am not saying jack is intentionally playing you or trying to use you but the fact is you are both emotionally unavailable and just looking for an escape from reality so if you were to start anything with him now, it would be built on an unstable and dysfunctional foundation. You wouldn't have any chance of it working long term as it would be based on lies, deciet and mis-trust so you two will never trust each other

You have to be strong, stable and emotionally sound as well as fully available if you want to start a healthy romance

[Wakeup]

Why did you and Jack break up in the first place?

[Hazelnutfrappe1]

Thanks Michelle23,

I guess that would be the issue if Jack and I ever got together in our long future, in the beginning it might be ok if I truly believed I'm the only one he cared and loved.

I think I have an issue as well (trust issues, self esteem and so on)

Thanks for your advice

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Wakeup,

We split up because I didn't choose him, I was too scared to break up with my former bf because I moved here just myself, no family or friends at all. The only people I had around me were his family, friends and himself.

I regretted my decision so much, I realised that I really should have chosen Jack after making the decision.

[michelle23]

It sounds like you are repeating history and keep making the same mistakes, never maturing, growing or learning.

You cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone until you do with yourself. Get some counselling, research co-dependency, work on your self esteem and stop depending on men to save you or make you happy.

You have had affairs before and your about to do the same thing again. Its so dysfunctional. If you want men to treat you better then you need to change. Right now people dont respect you coz you dont. You made that clear to your husband when you rewarded his bad behavior by marrying him. Hurt me, abuse me, treat me like I am nothing and ill still be here... what messages are you trying to send out?

Right now the message your sending out is that you are weak, desperate, insecure with a terrible fear of being alone so you cling on to this jack hoping again he will save you.. thats not his job. Its yours

[woody]

ouch. yeah, that's a shitty situation alright. Married the guy knowing what he's capable of and now (of course) the trust is in never never land. huh. Then some ex starts playing his violin from a distance, toying with your affections. yipee right? yeah, flippin great, thanks pal no doubt.
Well, I get all the advice suggesting therapy of sorts, all that. But i'll offer something new just for you.

Break the mold.

Either you spend another decade always wondering, never fully trusting, stressing out, educating your inner spy OR you stand up for your self and your heart and Ditch the guy that can't keep his cosmic prick in his pants because you know, golly gee, every woman wants a man who cruises craiglist for casual encounters, catches him and then marries the guy anyway. (yes, i am being sarcastic)
and as far as the ex goes. Well. ONly you'll know the scoop there.

But may I say, I think he's got poor form playing your heart strings from a distance. That and he's got a gf so your just setting yourself up with another one of the same type. Cheaters.
i'll say it again. Break that flippin mold

Ditch both of them. Work on yourself and figure out why you go for these types of men in the first place.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup,

We split up because I didn't choose him, I was too scared to break up with my former bf because I moved here just myself, no family or friends at all. The only people I had around me were his family, friends and himself.

I regretted my decision so much, I realised that I really should have chosen Jack after making the decision.

So are you telling me that TWICE now Jack has interfered in one of your relationships? TWICE now he interlopes when you have committed to someone else? TWICE now you have been too afraid to actually leave a man to go to Jack?

WTF. I think zero contact from Jack is in order so that you can concentrate on who you DO choose to be with.. It sure ain't Jack for some sub-conscious reason.