Help...still in love with someone else

[Hazelnutfrappe1]

Michelle23,

I agree with some of the things you say but I did manage not to say yes to see Jack, I kept saying no to him. I guess that's the only plus of all of my actions. Believe it not, I said no to him maybe 50 times when he kept asking me.

When Jack and I chatted in the past since we split, we never ever conversation like this before, we only chatted to see how we were and didn't talk about our past, history, our emotions and feelings. It's including when I was single. That's probably why I'm unsure why he is trying to see me and telling all those things to me now. I find it very confusing and I'm starting to feel anger.

I did say to him if we were ever going to be together, we both have to be single to start with and I'm not going to hurt his gf or my husband. I also said I never expected him to act this way now that I'm married and he needs to stop. He tells me he booked the flight, I said I didn't ask him to and I'm not going to see him.

My husband and I already had our counseling before we got married, it seemed that I was better and we were communicating better but because he keeps lying to me about other small things, I don't find myself trusting him fully although he promised he would make it up to me for the rest of his life.
Do you think he will lie again?

[woody]

well good luck on the marriage then, all round. Maybe your hubby will make it up to you over a lifetime. Maybe you'll make it up to him too. IN any case, good luck to you and yours

[Hazelnutfrappe1]

Wakeup,

Yes that is correct. It's twice now and in the similar situation.
I've done the right thing and said goodbye to Jack I think.. I have no idea why he started acting this way again. Maybe he likes to steal someone he can't have..?

I am going to focus on myself now and figure things out.

I'll try harder on my marriage and have better commutation with my husband mentally and physically.
I think we are lacking of both and it might work out..

I know that I should be alone and think about myself, I'd do that if I was not married but since I married my husband after finding out his affair, I think I should get more counseling sessions and read some books, try to re-build the trust I lost before I decide to divorce him.
He is willing to do anything to make it up to me.

[woody]

yeah, and maybe you like the attention. have fun with that. You probably haven't even told your husband

woody=trees

[michelle23]

Your marriage started on very shaky ground. Its very hard to repair the damage and if hes still lying now then there isn't much hope. He obviously has not learned his lesson. Maybe you should leave-let him experience life without you for awhile. It will either make or break the marriage. It will either force him to change or it will lead him to cheat again.. that way you will know whether hes worth fighting for or not or whether he thinks you are

[Wakeup]

Wakeup,

Yes that is correct. It's twice now and in the similar situation.
I've done the right thing and said goodbye to Jack I think.. I have no idea why he started acting this way again. Maybe he likes to steal someone he can't have..?

You haven't done the "right thing." The right thing would have not to been talking to Jack at all while you're in other committed relationship(s)... You've been having an emotional affair with jack during TWO committed relationships now.

I am going to focus on myself now and figure things out.

What needs to be figured out? You need to stop talking to this idiot you keep allowing you to emotionally engage you with BULLSHIT words and attention and speak to the men in your life who you aren't getting enough attention from. As long as you keep entertaining Jack, any man will be competing for your emotional attention. That really sucks.

I'll try harder on my marriage and have better commutation with my husband mentally and physically.
I think we are lacking of both and it might work out..

It will have a much better chance if you stop making your husband compete for you emotionally. YOu need cold turkey withdrawl from jack and his BS. You need to block and delete him so you're not tempted by your addiction to getting words of attention from him.

I know that I should be alone and think about myself, I'd do that if I was not married but since I married my husband after finding out his affair, I think I should get more counseling sessions and read some books, try to re-build the trust I lost before I decide to divorce him.

That's up to you whether you stay with your husband or not but don't leave him for Jack. Jack is just fluff who keeps you hooked on his pre-marital emotional cheating. Hes not a good man. A good man wouldn't talk to you the way hes been doing knowing that you are in a relationship.... and him in one himself.

He is willing to do anything to make it up to me.

Then you should count yourself lucky that you have time to figure out yourself.

Good luck.

... and **** Jack and the horse he rides in on.

[katyk]

Hi, you have got some pretty good, sound advice from others so I can't really add a lot except to say, you don't trust your husband and that is causing a lot of problems (in your mind at least). I don't know if you can salvage this or even if you want to but you certainly can't trust Jack any more than you can your husband - after all he too is being deceitful to his girlfriend isn't he? Please don't make yourself believe its "because its you" and you are the 'one' for Jack. If this was the case he would finish with girlfriend before trying to persuade you he wants a life with you. I know its not what you want to hear hon but you have to open your eyes a bit. Forget Jack and decide if you want to stay married. If not, make the break and free yourself up to meet someone who you love beyond any doubts and who respects and loves you back.

[woody]

Dear O.P Hazlenut,

Realizing I came off as gruff I would like to extend an apology. Can't be easy what your enduring right now. I was tough on you regarding your dilemma due to personal experience with my sister, who your story reminds me of. She married recently, very young too. Her new husband is a sweet naive young man who has no idea how scattered she can become in her heart. I know she loves him but I also know she has other men she thinks of. It makes me wonder why she married him if she's not sure about being faithful. Poor sap.
She's also changed allot since she got engaged and then married to him; talks to me less and less unless she needs something; treats me poorly too and I have to wonder if she's avoiding me due to what I know about her. I am worried for her happiness.
Reading your story reminded me allot about her; eerily so. And I am sorry I was so very gruff in my response. I was wrong and I'm a shmuck for it.

You have married a young man who screwed up in the past, you forgave him (as much as one could) and married him anyway. Your in it now and can't shake this feeling with the other guy. Your longing for him and wondering if you made the right choice.

I know I said start fresh with neither of them but that would be harsh too. Harsh on you, them, everything. I don't know what you can do except some real deep soul searching. If you truly love your new husband, you must work on it whole heartedly. None of this half way stuff. Your either in it all the way or your wasting your time and his and lady, life is too short even if we make it to be 100+ years old, it is still too short so don't waste your precious time.

It is natural to feel the blush of warm cheeks when others are drawn to us. But when we are married either in heart or on paper it is a commitment of divine intent. We must be careful as to what we project.

If you feel you have made a mistake, better to fix it now over waiting years to seeking out your true happiness.
I wish you well, I wish for you strength to do the right thing for all involved

kindly
woody=trees

[Hazelnutfrappe1]

Thanks katyk,

I understand what you are saying and that's true, if Jack really wanted to be with me, he would have broken up with his girlfriend first. I haven't spoken to him since and he is somehow annoyed at me which I don't understand why.

I think I'm struggling with the situation because I don't know who to trust.
Having said that I also did something I shouldn't have (talking to Jack) so I feel that I deserve to be treated this way.

- - - Updated - - -

Thanks Woody for being honest and sharing your story with me.

I deserve to be said harsh things and it's okay, I didn't expect any apology from you, thank you for your kindness and I appreciate it.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister.
But how do you know that she thinks of other men? Did she tell you?
She is probably ashamed of it and I guess that's why she doesn't talk to you much..? Just like you gave me some advice, I think it would help her if she could get some advice from you.. I hope everything works out okay for her and she will come to you to talk about it.

I went to a counseling session the other day but I might need to change a counsellor. Not sure if that's normal or me being harsh but I felt like talking to a woman at a checkout counter..? The counsellor was listening to my story but all she said was "well then spend some more time with your husband" and I thought "that's it!?"
I was expecting her to tell me my emotional issues/low self esteem etc but none of that...maybe I'm expecting too much, not sure..

Maybe I'm emotionally weak at the moment, I'm having an issue with my mum at the moment. It is very hard when she lives in my home country and she keeps getting angry at me saying nasty things to me because she is lonely and I'm getting guilt tricked.

Maybe I should talk to my close friends, only a couple of friends know my husband cheated on me, no one else. Do people talk about these kinds of things to friends? Or is that too private that they keep them to themselves??

Yes I agree, since I am married to my husband I should have been more careful. Thanks Woody, we will try to work on our marriage and go from there. I probably just felt that I had no one to talk to/trust.

Thanks Woody, good luck with your sister and I hope she will be happy with her marriage and hope that she will come to you.

[woody]

Dear sweet lady (hazlenut)

Thank you for your response. I was feeling bad about all that so appreciate letting me off the hook; very compassionate.

I think you should get another therapist. She sounds a little vague and not quite the right fit. Maybe next one, tell them about the self esteem thing. They may have degrees but are not mind readers and often read books by the cover and since, often those of us with low self esteem go out of our way to 'look' the part of a confident strong woman but inside we are not, well, tell them. When you find the right one you'll be in a safe place. Bring up your Mum too; tell them everything right away so they have no time to misjudge and can do their job....as they are suppose to do.
Appreciate the words on my sister. Yes, I hope she comes to me too. Yes, she has shared that info we spoke of. You know, sometimes I think it's not about actually doing anything with other men she needs; its the attention, the intent; almost like it's the boost she needs. I don't know why though. She is a gorgeous and strong young lady who doesn't have to go out of her way for attentions yet she does thrive off it. Makes me wonder if her self esteem is lower than I thought and then of course, I worry again and wonder why, where did that come from.?

Anyway, dear lady, everything will be alright. You find yourself a good therapist; work out the kinks because from where I'm sitting, your a very endearing and kind, sweet and strong individual and you deserve your happiness so go get it.

best wishes
woody

[Hazelnutfrappe1]

Hi Woody,

Thank you for the kind words, it must be so hard for you to know your sister's thoughts but her not talking to you, I wonder if you broke the silence and started talking to her saying that you are worried and you are here for her, she would open her doors and start talking to you more...? I hope that happens soon, I know I'm not in the right place to tell you my thoughts since I'm in the similar situation but I really hope she will come to you.

She has you in her family, you are a great person to chat to, she should come to you.. Well I really hope she will.

I understand that she is seeking attention, I think in my case I was looking for someone to share my thoughts/emotion with and I'm not sure if I mistakenly thought I still loved Jack from way back. (nostalgia?) I wonder if she is not happy with her husband or they are not spending quality time together. We (as in women) all need the time together but to be together emotionally if you know what I mean..

Yes, I will change my counsellor and find a right one and I will talk about my self esteem next time. I did tell the counsellor about my mum but all she said was "that must be hard". Anyway, I'll go find another counsellor.

I'm not sure if I mentioned in my original post, but I found another small somthing that my husband is hiding after I told him what I found, I feel he has a problem keeping things from me or he is just too private. I mean do all husbands and wives share everything? I told him not to buy something he wanted until we sort out other expenses, and I found out that he bought it anyway. (And he is hiding it from me) I wouldn't have gone mad but the fact that he doesn't tell me or apologise, that hurts. I'm not sure why he keeps doing this after I told him about it a couple of weeks ago. (We sat down and I told him I found out about something he bought without telling me so same thing but he bought another without telling me again) Not sure if he doesn't think I'm going to find out or he doesn't care that it hurts my feelings.

Anyway, I guess I should mention this to my counsellor, and probably should do a couple counseling to involve him in this matter.

Woody, thank you for being here to share your story with me and giving me great advice, I really appreciate your honesty and kindness.

[Leialoha1975]

Wow you have a lot to work on...

Husbands and wives should share everything! It's called marriage.

I hope you take the good advice from everyone who responded to your post.

And that YOU can take care of your self ... Cheers!

[woody]

Hazelnut, your doing great. Here's hoping you find a therapist that works for you, that get's it and can offer some wisdom that works.
And may your man find a way to open his doors on comfort levels so to speak, so he does share stuff with you.
as far as your question do husbands and wives share everything? They ought to yet here I am today with a bag packed for the hospital. My sweetheart thinks its just some blood work but i'll be staying on to see a Dr in emergency due to 'lady town' issues that I have not told him about. I don't want him to worry until I know for sure. So there's me hiding stuff too.
But things like purchases, there is no need to hide unless it is a gift for you that is.

anyway lady, your doing great. Your proactive, your insightful and your kind. No problems there. Your foundation is sound.
May you and yours find a way back to one another.

warm regards
woody

[Leialoha1975]

Hazelnut, your doing great. Here's hoping you find a therapist that works for you, that get's it and can offer some wisdom that works.
And may your man find a way to open his doors on comfort levels so to speak, so he does share stuff with you.
as far as your question do husbands and wives share everything? They ought to yet here I am today with a bag packed for the hospital. My sweetheart thinks its just some blood work but i'll be staying on to see a Dr in emergency due to 'lady town' issues that I have not told him about. I don't want him to worry until I know for sure. So there's me hiding stuff too.
But things like purchases, there is no need to hide unless it is a gift for you that is.

anyway lady, your doing great. Your proactive, your insightful and your kind. No problems there. Your foundation is sound.
May you and yours find a way back to one another.

warm regards
woody

Hi WOODY!
Thinking of you during your time at the hospital! I know I don't know you but what you posted I really hope that things are ok with you!

Huggs Leialoha <3

[woody]

Thank you Lieloha, I am fine, it went well, didn't have to stay overnight and they assured me what I thought was happening was probably not. Good Doc's.
told me sweetheart about it when I got back as I had to explain the bag. i am such a weirdo but hey, better to be prepared than not. anyhow, all good.
thnx, you be well, take care