Relationship with a man going through divorce

[INFP]

So I met this guy through work 3 years ago and when we met we hit it off but he was married and nothing happened.

9 months ago he got in touch with me and we met for lunch and things progressed from there. He told me that he and his wife led separate lives and he had been thinking about me for 3 years since we met.

We continued to see each other and this summer went away for 10 days to the US and had the most amazing time. He told me that I was the one and that he had been waiting for me all his life. We even spoke about our future and where we would live and what we would do.

He was still living in the family house with his 2 kids of 4 and 6 btw but I believed him when he said that he planned of divorce and us being together.

I'm not a horrible person, i would never have continued if he had not said his marriage was loveless and they slept in separate rooms.

Anyway a few weeks after we were back from the most amazing trip ever he told his wife he wanted to finalise his divorce and she got very paranoid about him having an affair.

He started getting more distant from me. He has told me he cannot deal with the fact he will not see his kids everyday and will be living away from them and therefore has not the capacity for me and wants to break it off and have space.

And says he hopes to pick us up when he is sorted.

I dont know what to do.

Was I just a distraction?

Or did he mean what he said and really believes we will pick things up again?

I need advice?

[surfhb]

So I met this guy through work 3 years ago and when we met we hit it off but he was married and nothing happened.

9 months ago he got in touch with me and we met for lunch and things progressed from there. He told me that he and his wife led separate lives and he had been thinking about me for 3 years since we met.

We continued to see each other and this summer went away for 10 days to the US and had the most amazing time. He told me that I was the one and that he had been waiting for me all his life. We even spoke about our future and where we would live and what we would do.

He was still living in the family house with his 2 kids of 4 and 6 btw but I believed him when he said that he planned of divorce and us being together.

I'm not a horrible person, i would never have continued if he had not said his marriage was loveless and they slept in separate rooms.

Anyway a few weeks after we were back from the most amazing trip ever he told his wife he wanted to finalise his divorce and she got very paranoid about him having an affair.

He started getting more distant from me. He has told me he cannot deal with the fact he will not see his kids everyday and will be living away from them and therefore has not the capacity for me and wants to break it off and have space.

And says he hopes to pick us up when he is sorted.

I dont know what to do.

Was I just a distraction?

Or did he mean what he said and really believes we will pick things up again?

I need advice?

Simple answer....you move on

Tell him he needs to get his shit sorted out before there can be any relationship. It's hard I know but it has to happen

[TablesandChairs]

Your mistake was falling for the 'I'm separated, really I am - it's just that we live in the same house'. That's not a separation. If you're going to date someone who hasn't finalised their divorce, that's fine - these things can take a while. But the person should be moved out and living a life independent of their ex partner.

If they were truly separated, she wouldn't be paranoid about him having an affair; it would no longer be classified as an affair.

[TheEvilJester]

This is definitely not a black and white situation. It is entirely possible he was 100% sincere in everything. Divorce can take a while to finalize. It could very well be 100% over in his mind, it just has yet to be so on paper.

But, even pretending for a minute that everything is just as he says and he never intended to just string you along.....

It doesn't change the fact that he can't expect you to just wait around for him. It sounds like he even did the noble thing in pretty much telling you that. So, as hard as it may be, that is your best bet right now. Move on. In time, it could just so happen that fate will see to it that his divorce is final and you wind up still available. If time brings you back together, then great. But, you shouldn't put your life on hold waiting for something that could wind up never happening, or even if it did, could take a while.

I can somewhat relate to his side of the story. I was married to somebody who turned out to be a complete mistake. She was not AT ALL the person she pretended to be, but this was not truly revealed to me until we were married. I'm sure I missed signs, thinking I was in love, but it really wasn't until we were married that the entire lie of a human being she was became slowly, bit by bit, revealed to me. Thank God I never had children with her, and thank God the marriage itself was short-lived.

Anyway, that being said, I was so mis-treated and unappreciated in that marriage that it had been over in my own mind long before the divorce was finalized. So, I actually recovered from it very quickly, and felt ready to get back out there. The thing is, divorces take a while sometimes. If I had dated right away, how would my prospective dates been able to know that I was truly an honorable man of my word? How would they know I wasn't just stringing them along pretending to be going through a divorce, but with no intention of ever actually leaving my wife?

So, I am living proof that somebody going through a divorce certainly CAN be 100% sincere about it, and completely ready to date. It's just that you shouldn't have to suffer through the doubt and time waiting and wondering if it really will be finalized.

And, on a side note, I am SO damn glad to be free of that relationship. With my divorce finalized, I took some time just being happy being me, and that felt great. I've recently decided to get back into the dating scene, which has not gone well. But, I can still think back to what it was like being in that relationship, and smile to myself thinking I could die miserable and alone, never finding my true love, and I'd still be a million times happier than I was in that relationship.

[Wakeup]

This is definitely not a black and white situation. It is entirely possible he was 100% sincere in everything. Divorce can take a while to finalize. It could very well be 100% over in his mind, it just has yet to be so on paper.

Which makes him STILL MARRIED and only a fool would hook up with someone still living in the same house as the person they SAY they will leave but haven't yet done so.

Op: Yes, you were just a distraction. He likely does this often to foolish women who don't look after their own best interests by telling men like him to call you when you're actually DIVORCED and not still living with the mother of your children.

You'd be even more foolish if you actually believe that you should wait or even continue to think that someone like him will "hit choo up" once his children are grown and on their own... after all that's when he'll have to be able to bear not seeing them everyday because they'll have lives of their own.

Learn from this so that you don't make this mistake yet again and start something up with someone who is still married. 99.9% of the time, you will be the one left behind when you hook up with someone already in a relationship (whether it be a good relationship or not).

[TablesandChairs]

I get what Jester is saying; I started dating my partner while his divorce was still in progress (finalised 3 weeks later) but I didn't go into it blindly - he had been living out of the house for 11 months prior to us meeting, so there was no joint-living situation and all financial/property issues had been settled. I met his friends/family within 1-2 weeks and there were no surprises.

He says he can't 'handle' not seeing his kids every day - well, what did he think 'separation/divorce' entailed? That's bull. As for his wife being angry that he's having an affair - yeah, well, he is.

Have you met anyone from his life? Are things transparent? Or are you a dish on the side, hidden away from his 'real' life?

I have absolutely no problem dating someone whose divorce hasn't been 100% finalised; in many cases, people separate well before the papers are signed/sealed so it's no an issue. But he's not separated nor divorced, that's the issue.

[Wakeup]

Key word is "separate" This douche is still living with his wife (your partner was not T&C) and my guess is that he uses "being separated" when in reality he is just a cheating dirt-bag. Which most times is exactly what they are when they're still living in the same home. After-all its a great excuse why she can't go to his place.

In any event, his status and living arrangements should have been a huge red flag to this and any other person who is getting themselves involved with someone still living with their SPOUSE. That there is unfinished business and divorce and ex drama at the very least. There are plenty of SINGLE men out there so still married and living with douche's should be avoided for one's own emotional well being.

Five minutes away from being divorced and the dude has been living separately for some time is NOT what the Opening poster was involved with.

[katyk]

INFP.....forums are full of similar stories as yours. I don't necessarily feel he doesn't mean what he says to you I don't understand how he got to take you away in the first place if there weren't problems there so I don't necessarily feel he was lying to you. However, children are a great pull. He could be torn? You only have his word for what his wife has said/done or how far down the road of divorce they actually were! Either way, he has made a decision and that is he is going nowhere. You have a choice....you can sit and wait for the crumbs from his marital table OR you can decide you never want to see him again until he arrives at your door with his decree absolute! I would strongly recommend you take the second option or brace yourself for the biggest roller coaster ride of your life. Try not to feel used. If you had a great holiday (did he pay?) just accept it for what it was - a great holiday! If you spend time trying to figure it all out you will never get answers that make sense.

[kkrls]

I once fell for a man who says he was not with his woman yet they had kids together and still lived in the same household. He said he was sleeping on the couch and he doesn't love her anymore and they are not a couple. Come to find out he was still with her...
First guy I ever dated and lost my virginity to. I was a foolish young one. Please just try and move on. Man like that is not worth the time. You live and you learn

[TheEvilJester]

I realize I sometimes write a novel, but I think a couple folks are missing that I am pretty much saying the exact same thing the rest of you are. LOL!

Let me sum up my own post with a TL;DR version...

It could be possible he is 100% sincere in his feeling for you, and his intent to finalize his divorce...

BUT, you shouldn't allow yourself to be strung along waiting for him. So, it would be best to give him time to deal with his divorce and let him come back to you in such a time that he is fully available and ready. If you happen to still be single at the time, then go for it. But, don't wait around for him hoping he will finalize his divorce. He may not, or it may take a long time.

That said, I'll also add that I agree that him still living with his wife should be a bit of a red flag. Once he actually moves out on his own, that would at least show some level of seriousness about getting a divorce. Right now, why should you trust that he actually intends to go through with it when he still actually lives with her?