is there any hope for me and my man?

[Lemon_]

Hi everyone, thanks in advance to anyone who offers advice.

I have been dating my BF for a year. I think we have a wonderful relationship in so many ways. We laugh A LOT (often to tears) we have great conversations, I think we are compatible intellectually and our sex is frequent and great. The problem is he is in the airforce and will be posted somewhere else in about 6 months or so. This posting puts pressure on us to determine what we are doing. I want to settle down and don't want to hang around just to be hurt and say good bye in 6 months but I think I have fallen a little in love already.

We've talked about it where things were headed before and he said we needed to let things develop naturally before forcing anything. This made sense but it's been a year and I'd like to know if we have a chance or not.

He is over 45 and never married and never lived with anyone. He is terrified of making a big commitment and losing his freedom (growing up, I guess).

When we are together (weekends) we get along so well. we just got back from a week in Hawaii and I think that's why I am so upset. I felt really close to him on our holiday and I don't think I can take the insecurity about this ending anymore.

I 'd like to know from a man's perspective if anyone thinks I have a chance of getting this guy to step up. He told me that he knows that what we have is great and worth fighting for but he doesn't feel brave enough to take the next step just to fail and get more hurt later. I know he cares and he's a good guy. I feel so sad to let him go.

[Wakeup]

Hi everyone, thanks in advance to anyone who offers advice.

I have been dating my BF for a year. I think we have a wonderful relationship in so many ways. We laugh A LOT (often to tears) we have great conversations, I think we are compatible intellectually and our sex is frequent and great. The problem is he is in the airforce and will be posted somewhere else in about 6 months or so. This posting puts pressure on us to determine what we are doing. I want to settle down and don't want to hang around just to be hurt and say good bye in 6 months but I think I have fallen a little in love already.

We've talked about it where things were headed before and he said we needed to let things develop naturally before forcing anything. This made sense but it's been a year and I'd like to know if we have a chance or not.

He is over 45 and never married and never lived with anyone. He is terrified of making a big commitment and losing his freedom (growing up, I guess).

When we are together (weekends) we get along so well. we just got back from a week in Hawaii and I think that's why I am so upset. I felt really close to him on our holiday and I don't think I can take the insecurity about this ending anymore.

I 'd like to know from a man's perspective if anyone thinks I have a chance of getting this guy to step up. He told me that he knows that what we have is great and worth fighting for but he doesn't feel brave enough to take the next step just to fail and get more hurt later. I know he cares and he's a good guy. I feel so sad to let him go.

He's 45, never been married or lived with anyone, he needs things to progress naturally and he "doesn't feel BRAVE enough to take the next step just to fail and get more hurt." What a line of horse crap.

Have you ever read anything about "commitmentphobes?" If you haven't, you should because I think you've hooked yourself up with one. Stay with him and enjoy the next six months without expectation or leave now. Either way you're very unlikely to get what you want from this one.

My guess: He's either a commitmentphobe or just a plain ole player and there isn't anything up and above what you've already been doing that will make him not be one. Have you met any of his family yet?

[url=http://www.visualizationworks.com/commitment-phobia-the-source-and-the-way-out/]Commitment Phobia: The Source and The Way Out | visualizationworks.com[/url]

- - - Updated - - -

Adding:
Here's another link:

[url=http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-gratitude/201206/four-risks-in-loving-men-who-can-t-commit]Four Risks in Loving Men Who Can?t Commit | Psychology Today[/url]

[belltops]

You guys have been together for a year and you think that is not enough time?

Unfortunately, you cannot get anything from this guy in 6 months, because the clock has been set.
In the end, settling down is the final goal and you should keep your eyes on the prize. Sit him down and sort this out squarely. Ask him about his plans for both of you. From that, you will have some clarity (i think we all know how this is going to end).

And besides, this guy is 45, never married, never lived with anyone before (i know you did not want to be presumptuous),but didn't this raise flags?.

[Lemon_]

Thanks Wakeup. I know he is a commitment phobe - we have talked about it at length. I thought it might be something he could overcome. I guess I should also admit now that I am over 40 and never married so I can understand is fears. I can say he is not a player. He has terrible game and I have never had the vibe that he is cheating or would do that.
No, I haven't met his family. They live in another province - he was posted thru the airforce to my city so I haven;t had the chance, really.

- - - Updated - - -

I do think a year is enough time to be moving forward so that is why I am struggling. We have talked a lot the past two weeks and everything is coming to a head. I am having a hard time ending things because we get along and connect so well and the thought of finding a connection this great again is daunting. BUT I also don't want to prolong the inevitable. I am starting to wonder if I have done something wrong. Like it;s my fault.
And yes, this raised red flags from the very beginning but because I have never committed (never found anyone I wanted to with) I thought maybe we would be lucky. Thanks for the reply - go easy on the ass kicking please :$

- - - Updated - - -

Thanks for responding belltops - part two of my response was for you but I didn't do it right i guess?

[belltops]

[MENTION=14046]lemon[/MENTION]
By no means take it as a$$ kissing. I've found out that the anonymous tough love you get on here helps set you straight. Besides no one is perfect and from time to time, we all need some talking to.

It is encouraging that you understand the situation of things. He has 6 months till reassignment and i don't see why he should commit at this point (if he has been with you for a year). Sometimes, we just have to face the reality.

Also, in your quest for something long term, if he asks you to drop your life and follow him to his new place of posting to get married and start a new life, is it something you are willing to consider?

Maybe, all you are feeling is that inevitable dread of withdrawal syndrome that comes with something soo good (from your perspective) being taken away.
If you are willing to move with him to start anew, discuss the possibility with him. That way, you are rest assured that you gave it your all. If he dithers on this proposition, don't waste your time, move on (i believe you are matured enough to make such decisions)

[Lemon_]

Yeo, you are right about the tough love. It is helpful to hear it - thanks again. For what it is worth, I am willing to move with him and i have thrown that out there. It overwhelms him with worry and responsibility.
There would be a lot that we would have to consider and work out but I am in a position that I could do it. My career is portable.

Anyhow, I think I need to have an "all the cards on the table" discussion. But I also need to have the resolve to walk away and stick to it. We have broken up and got back together 5 days later cuz I miss him. I think the best thing I can do right now is pull way back and start mentally and emotionally preparing and accepting single life again so I am ready. I hate the thought of Xmas and telling my friends it didn't work but it feels like now or 6 months from now.

Those links on commitmentphobes were really helpful. Most of what I have read on it is fluffy.
Thanks again.

[pcmaster]

I think hes afraid you wont be strong enough to wait for him all those 6 months. There are stories where girls just dont resist the temptation.

[Wakeup]

No, I haven't met his family. They live in another province - he was posted thru the airforce to my city so I haven;t had the chance, really.

It's not about you having had the chance, it's about him wanting you to meet them and making it so. Has he actually suggested you all get together with his folks and you just haven't been available or has he just not even suggested it.

Anyway... be strong and don't settle because if you do break up with him only to go back to him when you "miss him" then you are enabling him to skirt you along in life as his uncommitted partner he does when he's in your town again.

Sadly, and I could be wrong but I somehow doubt it, I think he probably has one just like you in every port he's been assigned to. Commitmentphobe, player? Whatever you want to label him, it still means the same thing for you. Don't let him stagnate you in his limbo.

Good luck with your talk which I hope you go in matter of factly, calmly and WITHOUT expectation.

[Lemon_]

Hi Wakeup, thanks for the feedback. I agree with you that he is a commitment-phobe. He would agree too. I always hoped he would overcome it as we spent more time together but it isn't making me feel good anymore as I fall deeper for him and I am worried about being abandoned.

As for him having "one" in every port, that doesn't really apply… he was stationed in the same small city for close to 20 years, with one stint in Dubai for 6 months. And then he came to my city for the past two years. We met his second year here. He's not really a 'player' - I know the type but I don't think that's him. He seems to still be friends with most of his ex-s. He is a good person. He's really independent and free-spirited but I think he has good character, as in honest. he has always been clear that he has issues with settling down and most of his relationships end because of it.

Anyhow I am defending him and I don't want to do that. I just want to be strong. He is such a good friend and not spending time together anymore will be tough. My friends and some of my family are questioning why I want to end things when we get along so well, which I find really weird. But they are married and don't think commitment is a big deal anymore I guess cause they have it and probably want out. lol
Ending relationships sucks!

[Leialoha1975]

I agree with what everyone has said... Clocks ticking!!! You COULD take the next 6 months and enjoy it... but knowing that it's all your going to get. On the other hand.. He could realize that he may very well be in love with you. I say take it easy, relax and have fun. Stop stressing over the big IF and just go with it. If you can't deal with the just 6 months thing then leave now and don't waste time.


Cheers!

[Lemon_]

Thanks for the post. I wish I could continue to be laid back and go with the flow, but it's my heart on the line and he isn't giving me any reassurance about anything. I deserve better - now I have to follow through and go through a break up. blech!