Her exbf causing problems. How to handle?

[ImOnOne]

Hi all, sorry for being long but necessary for perspective.

I'm hoping some of you can offer some advice on some issues that have popped up recently between my gf and I. We have been dating almost 6 months, she says she loves me and wants to marry me one day. She says I'm different than anyone she's ever been with. I believe her and we spend some nights at my house and some at hers. In other words were almost always together when not working. So things have been really good.

About a month or so ago, we were at a tailgate party and she mentioned that her sister had invited her exbf to the party. I knew that her sister and this guy are good friends so it wasn't totally surprising. She mentioned that they hung out a lot so I was like OK. The whole time I was there with him it was very uncomfortable, I had a horrible vibe about him. There was lots of tension and I let her know that I didn't like it. We agreed to avoid that in the future.

Then a couple weeks ago her family had a large party and of course her sister invited him as her guest. He spent half the night glaring at me and tried to give my gf an inappropriate hug, reaching down trying to grab her and she pulled away from him. He took off as I had caught wind of this or I would have addressed it with him directly. Her sister and her share an apartment and her sister let him crash there that night. My gf came home with me that night so she wasn't there. I wasn't cool with this regardless.

A few days later my girlfriend finds a little note on her night stand. A vulgar note saying he wants to make out with her and talking about giving her oral sex. She tells me, I kinda fly off the handle and warn her to never bring him around me or us again. She says it's her sister and I tell her to tell her sister to grow up and we get in a fight about it. She says that he's a loser and that I shouldn't be threatened by him. I tell her I'm not threatened, it's a distraction that I'm not going to deal with.

About a week later were up watching TV at her place and he Facebook messages her saying she should come over and they can do whatever you want. She doesn't respond and blocks him. I again get very angry, I feel like she's blowing it off and not upset about this as she should. She won't confront her sister about it nor does it seem like she's willing to tell this guy to f*ck off.

I told her that I'd handle it next time I see him since nobody has the balls to put him in his place. BTW, we're in our early 30's with good busy careers and I feel like I'm should be past this kind of nonsense. I do love her and trust her but also want to protect our relationship. He needs to learn some respect and boundaries. It's really a strange situation as this guy is her sisters best friend which in itself is weird to me.

How do I deal with this?

[CrasherRob8]

Honestly, I'd be pissed too. Her ex doesn't know how to back off and the fact he is being a total creeper and his actions tell me something bad will happen if he isn't put in his place. TBH your gf's sister is the problem. She knows what this guy is doing and won't do anything about it.

If I were you I would be rather worried simply because since your gf and her sister share an apartment, it is inevitable that he will be there without you being around. He obviously has bad intentions given what he is trying to do and I think it is totally out of line for the sister to not seem to care or do anything about it.

If they don't want to put him in his place then you don't really have a choice.

[lovelife123]

I would definitely pissed. These kinds of things just happen in such an awful way

[ImOnOne]

I think I am going to have to talk to the sister and also have a chat with him. My gf says that he disgusts her and that she willnever allow him to be there when she's there. I do trust her that she has no interest in him. She was crying when she saw how upset it made me. I'm just kinda hoping he gets the hint before some kind of horrible confrontation.

[TablesandChairs]

Honestly, you might be over-reacting a bit. Your girlfriend has done nothing to make you suspicious - these are the actions of her sister. You have no right to tell her sister who she can/cannot be friends with, who she can/can't invite to her home or to family events. I get that her sister should have a bit of perspective but she doesn't. What I would do, in your girlfriends shoes, is say the following (to her sister) - if he leaves another inappropriate letter in my room or in any way makes gestures/comments towards me that are suggestive, he's no longer allowed in the house. The end.

My ex's family (brother, sister-in law, cousins) all love his ex wife; she gets invited everywhere...now, since the divorce left my partner broke and he had to rebuild from scratch, he's not too keen on seeing her but sometimes it's inevitable. If we do happen to go to an event when she's there, I tend to be on the receiving end of the evil eye a lot...but whatever, I'm an adult and I've been through worse. Besides, my partner has never given me reason for insecurity.

[CrasherRob8]

TablesAndChairs, I think this situation is a little different than yours because it's obvious what her exbf intentions are, which is to have sex with her. Given the note, the message, the attempted butt grabbing and the inappropriate hug. Clearly this guy has bad intentions. True the issue is with the sister since she is ENABLING the guy to be able to do this. The sister has to know how this guy is and given the fact that the sister and the gf are roommates, the sister should have enough common sense to not bring him around if he is going to act like this.

What I see is an escalation of behavior. It started with the inappropriate hug and now has gone into messages of sex. If I were the OP I would have a little chat with the sister. You are right, you can't tell someone who they can or cannot hang out with or be friends with. One would hope the sister would get a clue and realize what she is doing to the OP and his gf

[ImOnOne]

Thanks for the reply. I agree that I thought I was overreacting when I found out about the note. Just to be clear, I never said I was suspicious of her, it's a distraction that neither of us need. In the beginning I was saying the same things you just said, her sister can be friends with anyone and I will obviously be cordial and nice to anyone I'm introduced to. We have been in the same place several times now and he looks at me like I stole his gf. I just ignore it but it sucks that I've tried to be the bigger person and he's a child. I was willing to be friends with him and all would be fine. I figured the past is the past. Now that seems impossible based on his intentions.

[woody]

If I was in your ladies shoes, I'd talk to my sister about it and request some common courtesies and boundaries. I surely would not be comfy with him staying at our place even if I wasn't there and frankly, I'd find it odd he's even a part of my sisters life but as you say, their friends so not much you can do about that.

He seems to be pushing your buttons intentionally and it's working to some extent soooo, next time, don't let it work. You'll only add fuel to his fire if he sees your getting urked by him and he'll love it so show him his tactics are all for moot by ignoring him and when you can't, smile at him. Kick him with kindness'

Other than that, your lady is with you now. Don't allow some ex being a jerk to ruffle your feathers. He's an ex for a good reason.
Don't let him get to you

[ImOnOne]

That's exactly what my gf said. That he's just trying to piss me off because he's a miserable person. I'll take your advice on trying not to let it effect me.

As for the sister, apparently they have been friends since high school and they are both equally unable to attract a gf/bf. Not sure why they don't just date each other by now.

And also she did inform her sister that he left a vulgar note and her sister did say "wow, if I was (my name), I'd be pissed." I think her sister needs to choose her friends a little better but who am I to say.

I really want to tell the sister how him being around makes me feel and ask her to be considerate but I don't know how that will go.

[Wakeup]

Her sister should at least tell her "best friend" that his behaviour is inappropriate and that he should quit the shit, not just say stupid stuff like "wow if I was ImOnOne I'd be really pissed."

I'd never allow a friend to disrespect my sister the way this wipe has been doing.

[ImOnOne]

Wakeup, I totally agree. I was saying that he violated her privacy by going in her room, he basically called her a slut by suggesting she would cheat as well. Here's the thing... I'm beginning to think that this is partly due to the sister being jealous of my relationship with her sister.

She is used to having her all to herself and along with the ex all hanging out together all the time. Her sister is very immature in my opinion and I can actually see her purposefully creating issues in order to "get her sister back". Unfortunately she doesn't seem to have any other friends than her sister.

[woody]

The sister knows already this is creating tension in you which is why she's doing it. So now you have two people to contend with like this. So, again, rise above it (them) and show them their tactics just roll off your back. Be the bigger person. Maybe they'll learn something. Maybe not.

Give them no fuel, none.

Your lady is with you. Nothing anyone else does will deter this.

[ImOnOne]

Thank you so much for this advice. I'll have to come re read this when I feel like letting them get to me.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup, I totally agree. I was saying that he violated her privacy by going in her room, he basically called her a slut by suggesting she would cheat as well. Here's the thing... I'm beginning to think that this is partly due to the sister being jealous of my relationship with her sister.

She is used to having her all to herself and along with the ex all hanging out together all the time. Her sister is very immature in my opinion and I can actually see her purposefully creating issues in order to "get her sister back". Unfortunately she doesn't seem to have any other friends than her sister.

When you commit yourself to someone you are also taking on not just her, but her family as well. If your g/f doesn't talk to her sister about shutting down her "best friend" then this is what you are getting yourself involved in. What would your g/f's mother and father say about what this guy is doing and that their other daughter (the sis) is continuing to be involved with this looney, obsessive twit?

Its find and dandy to to mental exercises that you have "risen above them" but that will only last for so long before you are accepting emotional abuse as none of them do anything to put an end to this guy's obsession with YOUR girlfriend.

Yes, she's with you but does that mean you should put up with the sister and the jerk for the rest of your life? Will you be at piece, fine and dandy, and letting it all roll off your back at every family function the sister invites this douche to? Your calm psychological "upper hand" is something to strive for... a solution to the problem and having it resolved is a more logical, realist approach.

Can an ending to the BS be found? Can your gf help you to come up with some solutions to end this?

[ImOnOne]

When you commit yourself to someone you are also taking on not just her, but her family as well. If your g/f doesn't talk to her sister about shutting down her "best friend" then this is what you are getting yourself involved in. What would your g/f's mother and father say about what this guy is doing and that their other daughter (the sis) is continuing to be involved with this looney, obsessive twit?

Its find and dandy to to mental exercises that you have "risen above them" but that will only last for so long before you are accepting emotional abuse as none of them do anything to put an end to this guy's obsession with YOUR girlfriend.

Yes, she's with you but does that mean you should put up with the sister and the jerk for the rest of your life? Will you be at piece, fine and dandy, and letting it all roll off your back at every family function the sister invites this douche to? Your calm psychological "upper hand" is something to strive for... a solution to the problem and having it resolved is a more logical, realist approach.

Can an ending to the BS be found? Can your gf help you to come up with some solutions to end this?

I think that her mother and father would be irate. And that's probably why no one would let them know because I guess he's become some type of "family friend" in their eyes. I told my gf that if I have to I'll expose his nonsense to everyone so they know what they're dealing with.

I will say this. My gf did tell her sister to keep him away. She said if they are going to crash somewhere it needs to be at his place. In my girlfriend's eyes it's a dead issue. She says she doesn't expect me to have to deal with it any more. I on the other hand, feel that he's probably not going to stop until he creates a bigger problem or confrontation between him and I.

I asked her a couple days ago if he's made any contact since last time and she said no, none at all. So maybe he is finally getting the idea.

- - - Updated - - -

When you commit yourself to someone you are also taking on not just her, but her family as well. If your g/f doesn't talk to her sister about shutting down her "best friend" then this is what you are getting yourself involved in. What would your g/f's mother and father say about what this guy is doing and that their other daughter (the sis) is continuing to be involved with this looney, obsessive twit?

Its find and dandy to to mental exercises that you have "risen above them" but that will only last for so long before you are accepting emotional abuse as none of them do anything to put an end to this guy's obsession with YOUR girlfriend.

Yes, she's with you but does that mean you should put up with the sister and the jerk for the rest of your life? Will you be at piece, fine and dandy, and letting it all roll off your back at every family function the sister invites this douche to? Your calm psychological "upper hand" is something to strive for... a solution to the problem and having it resolved is a more logical, realist approach.

Can an ending to the BS be found? Can your gf help you to come up with some solutions to end this?

I think that her mother and father would be irate. And that's probably why no one would let them know because I guess he's become some type of "family friend" in their eyes. I told my gf that if I have to I'll expose his nonsense to everyone so they know what they're dealing with.

I will say this. My gf did tell her sister to keep him away. She said if they are going to crash somewhere it needs to be at his place. In my girlfriend's eyes it's a dead issue. She says she doesn't expect me to have to deal with it any more. I on the other hand, feel that he's probably not going to stop until he creates a bigger problem or confrontation between him and I.

I asked her a couple days ago if he's made any contact since last time and she said no, none at all. So maybe he is finally getting the idea.

- - - Updated - - -

[