Affair with a Married Woman.

[ylafont]

I will try to keep this brief. Reluctantly, I started an affair about 8 month ago with a married woman with a 4 year old child. For me, the chemistry was just overwhelming when we met. I thought I had sensed the same from her. Knowingly that I needed to be careful for myself, I continued, again reluctantly and protected myself as best as I could.

• After a few weeks and during a casual conversation. , I asked several questions which were as follows
  What she happy? --> She replied NO
  Was she in love? --> She replied NO
  Did she want to stay married? --> She replied NO and
  If her husband was the ideal husband tomorrow would she want to make her marriage work? And again she --> She replied NO.

I tried to be a mature adult with her and one day I stated that our relationship was what was and I just wanted to us to honest with each other in order to avoid game playing. I asked, if our time was about sex. After all, it was not like we were dating or out in public. Now, throughout the affair, she has always contacted me every day either via text or phone. She would say that was her way making an effort. Sometimes she would say, that she finds herself communicating with me way to often. She insinuated she had feelings for me but never stated what those feelings where.

Now, according to her, the Husband is a good father, but she is really done. She and the husband don’t have sex, which honestly I can believe, that they are just roommates and there is really no arguing. She has asked him to leave but he refuses. That although she wants the separation, she does not want to be seen as the one who is cheating or the cause of the divorce. That he comes home at 4, 5, 6 in the morning without any explanation and they have been living separated lives with the exception of the child. This has been going on for years.

After her husband came in at 7 in the morning last weekend, she has been clearly disturbed. She told me she needed time to sort out her feelings, that she had emotions everywhere that she hoped I would understand. Of course I was bummed, but I also said that I understood and that I was here if she wanted to talk.

Why would a woman who is clearly unhappy not purse a divorce?
Do women stay in unhappy Marriages and suffer because of children?
Is she really that confused of her feelings and emotions?
What is it that I am not seeing?

Would appreciate comments,any and all.

[michelle23]

Money. Thats why. Its very difficult to go from two incomes to one and still have all the same expenses..

She would be alone with a young child and it would likely be a huge struggle financially.

A lot of men are not good at paying child support either and will only pay the minimum.. my bfs dad pays 40 quid a week for his younger brother who is in college. Its costing their mum at least 150 week..

[Wakeup]

Why would a woman who is clearly unhappy not purse a divorce?

Because she's co-dependent and too afraid to leave. She will not likely leave him due to her own insecurity and lack of personal boundaries. If she was put together, she would have gone to a lawyer, found out what her options are, looked for a place that she could afford and then left a man that ignores her and their daughter and doesn't come home until 5:00 in the morning... She certainly wouldn't start a sexual relationship with someone else while staying put in her marriage.

Do women stay in unhappy Marriages and suffer because of children?

Some do but more times then not they stay in the unhappy marriage because the are codependent and need to work on their own issues before they will get the strength to leave. They use the children as an excuse to not have to deal with everything that leaving entails.

Is she really that confused of her feelings and emotions?

Well you're not helping by being an interloper into her marriage. If you weren't there perhaps she'd get the therapy she needs to figure out why she stays in such a unsatisfying marriage. She obviously still thinks she loves him or she would have left by now, no? Why don't you step out of her life and let her figure herself out instead of being the ass you are by worming your way into her marriage? Subconsciously she likely doesn't even trust you knowing that you'd get yourself involved with a woman already taken and I'm sure that MUST be in the back of your mind as well. How can you trust someone that doesn't have the personal boundaries in place to leave instead of cheating?

What is it that I am not seeing?

You're not seeing the forest for the trees. I hope that what you read here will open your eyes.

Would appreciate comments,any and all.

Back away. Tell her that you're not going to continue doing this anymore and that you go No Contact so that she can figure herself out and decide whether she wants to see if she can fix her marriage or do the right thing and leave him... This having her cake while she eats it to is YOU enabling her to never have to leave him and whatever security she clings to that he gives her.

[ylafont]

Wakeup, love the handle by the way, Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have been trying to make sense of all this and these responses do help. I Also do agree with some of your points. She is definitely using her child as an excuse to make the decisions that need to be made.

She certainly wouldn't start a sexual relationship with someone else while staying put in her marriage.

clearly, she has. I have been there! 8-).

If you weren't there perhaps she'd get the therapy she needs to figure out why she stays in such a unsatisfying marriage.

Not sure if this is true. Her relationship status has been like this for years before we met. Me stepping aside like i have makes no guarantees that she will get the therapy needed. Believe it or not, I have suggested this myself.

Why don't you step out of her life and let her figure herself out instead of being the ass you are by worming your way into her marriage?.

Not sure if i agree that I am "worming my way into her marriage" - She is the one married, NOT me. She is the one having the affair. Have I allowed it and continue it, absolutely. But she is an adult and knows what is happening.

Subconsciously she likely doesn't even trust you knowing that you'd get yourself involved with a woman already taken and I'm sure that MUST be in the back of your mind as well

Again, shouldn't this be the other way around? She is is the one stepping out of her marriage for whatever the reason!


My intent here was not to look for reason of how to continue with the relationship, pass judgement or point fingers at each other. I have clearly stepped away after our last conversation. I merely want to understand her situation and behavior.

[Wakeup]

You want to understand her situation and behaviour? Well there is always a silly man that will enable her to stick with this abusive man for whatever reason she does while she gets what ever he isn't giving her from someone else... like yourself.

You're no more innocent then she is guilty for what you do with a taken woman whether you view it that way or not... here's the rub:

You enable her so she does it. That's all YOU really need to think about and hopefully fix your standards and personal boundaries so that you'll not allow yourself to get involved with other issued, codependent women who use you for what they are missing at home and the man they will not leave. That's the bottom line.

- - - Updated - - -

BTW: Good to hear you've stopped the merry-go-round and gotten off the ride. Now just learn from it and how futile getting involved with people already involved really is, form those personal boundaries that you won't let taken women cross and even more important, you don't let those boundaries down so they CAN cross them and you end up the third wheel yet again.

- - - Updated - - -

BTW: Yes she clearly has started a relationship with you without leaving her husband... that is the point. She has issues that you should consider a red flag enough to stop schtuuping her and get yourself away from the enabling you do. The point is, she MAY get the help she needs if she can't get someone to fulfil what is missing. She will NEVER leave while she has her cake and eats it too.

[ylafont]

Wakeup --

As i stated, i originally posted to try and understand her situation and behavior. I think that is important to try and understand, although I will really never know. Your point are valid. Some individuals may believe that hearing honest truth is just cruel. me on the other hand welcomes it.

Alas, Why do we do the thing we do?

[woody]

Well, rather sounds like her husband is cheating on her too.

Hey, when the love fades from a marriage yet there are children involved, the sacrifices adults make can be honorable and borderline stupid at the same time. 'for the sake of the kids' is a bummer excuse for what does that teach the child other than, people settle in unhappy unions and used them as their excuse. Hhmm.

If she and her husband have a sexless marriage and have for years, then it's no wonder she sought it out with you. Women NEED to be loved, to feel desired. It fills our spirit and is a necessary thing. If our man stops wanting us in a sexual way, the whirlwind of self doubts, the insecurities that stem out from that truly does take a tole. It is so sad when two people who were once so into each other, lose that. I believe this is more common than many think.

You have placed your self in an awkward situation. If you develop stronger feelings for this woman, the amount of 'stuff' that comes with her may seem daunting but if you do truly dig this lady and believe she will leave her loveless marriage, prepare for either being the sole object of her affections or someone she had transition time with but what ever happens, watch your heart.

Having an affair isn't easy. The harsh judgements of others, the secrecy, the knowledge that your sleeping with another man's wife.. But if she is truly unhappy and has been for years, I can understand why she needed someone to adore her again. Also, sounds like she's evening the playing field.

Play safe. Don't get used. Be careful. Time to ask yourself what it is you really want.

[ylafont]

Woody,

I really cant say if the husband is cheating since i don't have enough information other than he comes home at we hours of the morning. I can say, that i find her telling the truth about the no sex aspect in her marriage, she is either a great actress or very convincing liar. I actually made a test by placing bruises on her breast, I know it sounds childish, but it was just a test and she did not mind at all.

I do really like and enjoy being with this person our chemistry together is just that powerful. she is everything I looked for in a woman, beautiful, smart, sexy and adorable to me. She looked her best even at her worst if she told me she was planning a divorce i would have stuck around. Although i am hurt, I have to say it could have been worse. I shielded myself as best as I could and I was not totally invulnerable. I understand that I am the third wheel here, and although our relationship was unexpected, i do not believe any good will come out of this. The decision to end the relationship was mutual, not sure if she felt guilty, was finished with me or her marriage has taken a turn for the better. How much improvement can there have been in a few weeks if this has been existing for years. She did know that her feelings needed to be addressed and her issues worked out. I asked no question and only wished her well. As difficult as it has been, We are now on our second week of NO CONTACT and I am actually surprised that i have not heard from her.

[katyk]

Hi ylafont, the problem with being an affair partner is you only ever get one side of the situation. I can't count how many men I have come across (not just personally I would add but via friends) who proclaim their wives don't have sex with them, don't share any interest with them, how unhappy they are and if it weren't for the children they would leave! The reality is often the wives know nothing about this; as far as they are concerned, their sex lives are great, they have a good marriage etc etc. Often when the wives get 'wind' of an affair...the men will leave their affair partners high and dry...without explanation many a time....because there simply isn't an explanation! They saw an opportunity and took it but didn't really want to leave their wives (cakemen?) Same with women too.....sometimes the excitement goes out of a relationship and they seek excitement elsewhere but they can't be honest and say "nothing wrong with my marriage, I just want a change" because most decent people will not go along with this so they invent 'reasons' and boy can they turn the acting on!

I can actually generalise here and say anybody who gets involved in a triangle is heading for disaster. IF you meet someone who is having marital problems, tell them to give you a call when they have the decree absolute (and nothing less) It saves a lot of unnecessary anguish and wondering and pondering of wtf is going on here!!!

Stay no contact......until/unless she is totally free. My advice

[woody]

Yes you must guard your heart. I'm sure you'll miss her and she you but this is the right thing to do. Maybe one day she'll figure things out, maybe not.
but you need to live your life. Triangles are fussy.