My girl thinks I am not over an old ex, and that my commitment is not 100% to her

[woody]

Honestly, after something like this, (your situation with the ex), the longer you wait, the less chance you'll get.

Many women won't come back. Your lady has not offered her heart out often in her past and this is for good reason. If she let you in and then realized you were still in kahoots with the ex to the extent of making plans (though you say you were simply being kind) still, doesn't matter, you did it. Wait and risk losing her.
Prepare for some fall back. But don't forget what I said; much of what she'll say stems outta hurt and isn't meant.

You almost need to go back to the beginning and woo her again; regain her trust. One can't do that without contact and yes, I agree, your FAther's advice is old school and out dated. Your lady sounds like a tough cookie who would rather be alone than risk being with someone she cannot trust completely, soooo, prove her wrong. The sooner the better in my humble opinion. It's not needy; IF anything, it is the mark of a true and strong man who can admit his faults and attempt to remedy them. She knows she's worth it so show her that you know she's worth it too.

[tomcochrane]

Honestly, after something like this, (your situation with the ex), the longer you wait, the less chance you'll get.

Many women won't come back. Your lady has not offered her heart out often in her past and this is for good reason. If she let you in and then realized you were still in kahoots with the ex to the extent of making plans (though you say you were simply being kind) still, doesn't matter, you did it. Wait and risk losing her.
Prepare for some fall back. But don't forget what I said; much of what she'll say stems outta hurt and isn't meant.

You almost need to go back to the beginning and woo her again; regain her trust. One can't do that without contact and yes, I agree, your FAther's advice is old school and out dated. Your lady sounds like a tough cookie who would rather be alone than risk being with someone she cannot trust completely, soooo, prove her wrong. The sooner the better in my humble opinion. It's not needy; IF anything, it is the mark of a true and strong man who can admit his faults and attempt to remedy them. She knows she's worth it so show her that you know she's worth it too.

Yep, she'd rather be alone than be hurt. (Shes bloody tough, but sweet inside,) She told me that before until recently when she realised she had already got in deep, and couldn't help but submit to each other. Ok, after work tonight I'm going to send her a message saying something like: I have had a lot of time to think and every day I've been thinking of you, missing you and it would be great if we could establish some casual contact again, because you are always in my heart.

Should I leave in the bit about contact? I know its not a direct question, but I think she'll be quite firm on her 'february boundaries' perhaps. Also should I say anything about being wrong (though unintentional). Also she still thinks I have feelings for my ex and apparently no words can do what actions can perform, so its no good saying I don't love the ex anymore, she just wont buy that.

[woody]

Okay. Well if you do offer a "I was wrong" don't follow it up with a "but it was unintentional" Just own it out right, "I was wrong" period. No cop outs; she'll respect that more than an excuse for actions that hurt.

No need to address the contact thing. The message itself states you miss her and want to see her. Just keep it real, heart felt, no excuses, down to Earth.
Tell her you made a mistake regarding the convo with the ex, plain and simple. (you may know it was harmless but that doesn't matter) It was still somewhat poor form for your ladies honor. It basically says she's not enough so you searched out what was missing from your ex. Delicate situation you got there.

If you want your lady back, no excuses, own your mistakes, your learning and the last thing you ever wanted to do was hurt her and you'll spend as much time as needed to prove you've learned your lesson regarding the whole 'how to deal with an ex' thing. your sorry. Bring it all to the table but for goodness sake, do NOT tell her, you didn't mean it, you were just being nice. That's a cop out she'll lose respect for you over.
chin up, strong spine, bring it. What she really needs to hear is, "I f___ed up, I made a mistake, I didn't think it through and really hope I haven't screwed up a chance with you because your the one for me" something like that would help

good luck

[tomcochrane]

Okay. Well if you do offer a "I was wrong" don't follow it up with a "but it was unintentional" Just own it out right, "I was wrong" period. No cop outs; she'll respect that more than an excuse for actions that hurt.

No need to address the contact thing. The message itself states you miss her and want to see her. Just keep it real, heart felt, no excuses, down to Earth.
Tell her you made a mistake regarding the convo with the ex, plain and simple. (you may know it was harmless but that doesn't matter) It was still somewhat poor form for your ladies honor. It basically says she's not enough so you searched out what was missing from your ex. Delicate situation you got there.

If you want your lady back, no excuses, own your mistakes, your learning and the last thing you ever wanted to do was hurt her and you'll spend as much time as needed to prove you've learned your lesson regarding the whole 'how to deal with an ex' thing. your sorry. Bring it all to the table but for goodness sake, do NOT tell her, you didn't mean it, you were just being nice. That's a cop out she'll lose respect for you over.
chin up, strong spine, bring it. What she really needs to hear is, "I f___ed up, I made a mistake, I didn't think it through and really hope I haven't screwed up a chance with you because your the one for me" something like that would help

good luck

This is what I've got....

I just cant hold what my heart tells me anymore, I miss you and think of you all the time. I can only distract myself for a minute at most until you are on my mind again. I was wrong talking to an ex and I've learnt a lot in the last few weeks...The last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt you, because I know you are the one for me....ypu are in my heart always and I.miss.you.x

Is that good enough? Is there anything you would suggest adding/subtracting? I didnt mention about the spending however long it takes to get over ex bit. She told me once before im not going to be over her in a week or two, because she truly believes im still in love with her
Im hoping the 'because i know you are the one for me' will help with that. At no point can I say sorry, she wont accept sorry as a word for a f*** up.

I just cant help but feel theres something missing from that message...

[woody]

Brilliant. Yes, good. Now copy and paste. Or what ever way your going to send it off to her but time is of the essence so do it quick.
Well worded first paragraph, wouldn't change a thing.

and as far as proving your not still in love with the ex, well, actions speak louder than words so if I were you, I'd mean it with that no contact thing. Women don't like it when an ex lingers on; especially the most recent ex. Different if years have passed and it's an ex from long long ago but not the most recent one, no, women don't like playing second fiddle to any one.
REmember, be gentle with her. She'll be looking for any little thing and fight or flight mode will be a natural defense for her; just be honest. No excuses. Straight up; she'll respect the honestly and man, she'll need it. If you do tell little white lies to save her feelings, she'll know and it won't bode well for her journey back to 'trust you land'.

Trust her to understand.
good luck

[tomcochrane]

Brilliant. Yes, good. Now copy and paste. Or what ever way your going to send it off to her but time is of the essence so do it quick.
Well worded first paragraph, wouldn't change a thing.

and as far as proving your not still in love with the ex, well, actions speak louder than words so if I were you, I'd mean it with that no contact thing. Women don't like it when an ex lingers on; especially the most recent ex. Different if years have passed and it's an ex from long long ago but not the most recent one, no, women don't like playing second fiddle to any one, especially one who has guarded her heart for so very long as your has.

I edited it twice, so hope you spotted the small changes. Great thanks so much for your help!!! Maybe I should wait until she finishes work or just send now?

- - - Updated - - -

I edited it twice, so hope you spotted the small changes. Great thanks so much for your help!!! Maybe I should wait until she finishes work or just send now?

Should i mention ive cut contact? Or leave message as is? did tell her on the phone a couple weeks back..hopefully she remembers.
Wasnt the most recent ex, but someone that meant a lot. Havent seen her for 18 months now! And we decided to stop our immigration plans about 12 months ago. So a fair while, shes out my system but as far as shes concerned I Suppose that is irrelevant.

[woody]

No time better than the present right?

Hope I helped out a little.

[tomcochrane]

Brilliant. Yes, good. Now copy and paste. Or what ever way your going to send it off to her but time is of the essence so do it quick.
Well worded first paragraph, wouldn't change a thing.

and as far as proving your not still in love with the ex, well, actions speak louder than words so if I were you, I'd mean it with that no contact thing. Women don't like it when an ex lingers on; especially the most recent ex. Different if years have passed and it's an ex from long long ago but not the most recent one, no, women don't like playing second fiddle to any one.
REmember, be gentle with her. She'll be looking for any little thing and fight or flight mode will be a natural defense for her; just be honest. No excuses. Straight up; she'll respect the honestly and man, she'll need it. If you do tell little white lies to save her feelings, she'll know and it won't bode well for her journey back to 'trust you land'.

Trust her to understand.
good luck

Problem is...she will think the little white lie is that shes the only one I want! I know i shouldnt do her thinking for her but if any thats it. Unsure how she will respond, shes feisty, she might pick something out of it, or just give me a battering and say 'yes you were wrong and yes you hurt me!'. She likes to look for the negatives.

[woody]

Just read your updated. Oh, she remembers. Not the most recent ex but someone that means allot? Well that almost hurts more then considering you had plans to migrate towards one another up till a year ago.

Your just going to have to feel it out regarding your question, "should I tell her I've cut contact" i.m.o that ought go without saying.

Look, your lady is fragile right now. She's given this guy her heart which is rare only to find out he's still involved with some lady he cares greatly for that up till a year ago, was planning on reconnecting and even after he decided not to go, he still texts and emails with her. wtf, she'll be thinking. Am I getting played? Am I not enough? Why didn't he tell me of their conversations? Is he hiding something?

all those doubts surge forth.
Just send that paragraph off. Take things from there. Keep us posted with her response but don't be upset if she makes you wait awhile. She's hurt. Let her heal her wounds. she's trying to see what kind of a man you are

You won't know how she's feeling until you give her a chance to read your words and respond. Be brave, press send

[tomcochrane]

Message sent. Watch this space! (Though you've helped enough already! thank you)
Hope this turns out well...

- - - Updated - - -

Just read your updated. Oh, she remembers. Not the most recent ex but someone that means allot? Well that almost hurts more then considering you had plans to migrate towards one another up till a year ago.

Your just going to have to feel it out regarding your question, "should I tell her I've cut contact" i.m.o that ought go without saying.

Look, your lady is fragile right now. She's given this guy her heart which is rare only to find out he's still involved with some lady he cares greatly for that up till a year ago, was planning on reconnecting and even after he decided not to go, he still texts and emails with her. wtf, she'll be thinking. Am I getting played? Am I not enough? Why didn't he tell me of their conversations? Is he hiding something?

all those doubts surge forth.
Just send that paragraph off. Take things from there. Keep us posted with her response but don't be upset if she makes you wait awhile. She's hurt. Let her heal her wounds. she's trying to see what kind of a man you are

You won't know how she's feeling until you give her a chance to read your words and respond. Be brave, press send

I am scared now since you said that!!!!
In early days She knew we were talking just as friends. The ex is engaged to be married now. I hadn't lied about it, though yes that threw up lots of questions of are you still in love with her? I said til blue in face no, just as friends, til, she stopped asking for weeks. Then things went great feelings got deeper, and i guess she wanted to read one of the messages, thats where all this started. I was stupid looking back now. And ive sent that message and wondering whether that was silly now...

[woody]

Problem is...she will think the little white lie is that shes the only one I want! I know i shouldnt do her thinking for her but if any thats it. Unsure how she will respond, shes feisty, she might pick something out of it, or just give me a battering and say 'yes you were wrong and yes you hurt me!'. She likes to look for the negatives.

She likes to look for negatives? Yeah but you Did hurt her. What happened happened right? She's not looking for negatives, the so called negatives were slapping her in the face so to speak right? right.

You still have to send something out. I'll give some more advice though. When my sweetheart F__ed up regarding how he dealt with his ex, some things that really urked my bit was when he would get defensive and loud. Don't know how you are but mind the tones eh?! Remember, if it was truly no big deal (chatting with the ex) why get so upset. So keep it light and fresh in your tones.
If you think telling your present lady she's the one you want, I'd re think the 'one you want' part. Skip that 'want' word. If you say that 'want' thing, she may be all like, "ooooo, thanks, well don't do me any favours" type thing. I'd keep it simple with a " your the one in my heart" NOT "your the one I want". It's not a competition so don't make it one or say anything that might be misconstrued.

No fear. A strong man knows how to say he messed up and own his mistakes without excuses clouding the way. Just be the man she started to fall for. Own it.

[tomcochrane]

She likes to look for negatives? Yeah but you Did hurt her. What happened happened right? She's not looking for negatives, the so called negatives were slapping her in the face so to speak right? right.

You still have to send something out. I'll give some more advice though. When my sweetheart F__ed up regarding how he dealt with his ex, some things that really urked my bit was when he would get defensive and loud. Don't know how you are but mind the tones eh?! Remember, if it was truly no big deal (chatting with the ex) why get so upset. So keep it light and fresh in your tones.
If you think telling your present lady she's the one you want, I'd re think the 'one you want' part. Skip that 'want' word. If you say that 'want' thing, she may be all like, "ooooo, thanks, well don't do me any favours" type thing. I'd keep it simple with a " your the one in my heart" NOT "your the one I want". It's not a competition so don't make it one or say anything that might be misconstrued.

No fear. A strong man knows how to say he messed up and own his mistakes without excuses clouding the way. Just be the man she started to fall for. Own it.

Ok thanks, I'll bear all this in mind. No reply as of 1hr30..
She has already done enough shouting, it was left at an amicable note before, even told me she missed me one week back. So I'm hoping she will look more into how i feel about her.
It's just this one dam issue that keeps coming up 'You still have feelings for your ex whether you know it or not, you need time' theres almost zero movement or anything I can say to that which she'll believe and I admit I have raised my tone on occassions and am worried if she rings me tonight saying that, then I will only be able to say the only one is you, let me prove it to you (I thought i had been proving it with intimacy and gestures etc, i can be quite romantic).

I didn't say you are the only one I want but I did come pretty* close in that message by saying...
The last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt you, because I know you are the only one for me...you are in my heart always

I just hope im not waiting til feb. I want to celebrate the special times like her birthday and christmas with her. Her original statement was Feb 28. So even Valentines is over by then, nothing for the rest of the year haha.
I hope it works out sooner, thats all...

I really wanna kind of find a way tl say it was so hard waiting for you in rehab for 3 months and I'd rather not go through that again...what do you think?

[woody]

When my sweetheart told his ex about me in a text, he told her he didn't know if she was returning, implied how he needed someone and ended it by telling her he missed her. Youch. double snapping, sharp blade in my side, youch.

He claims he didn't mean it, he was just being nice. Good grief. Still peeves me somewhat and it took me over a year to understand and grapple with my own doubts regarding his worth. I hated his excuses, I still do. but I forgave him eventually. I understand now he was just trying to let her go easily but what he really did was make it easier on him, not her or me.
anyway, might take some time is all.

[tomcochrane]

When my sweetheart told his ex about me in a text, he told her he didn't know if she was returning, implied how he needed someone and ended it by telling her he missed her. Youch. double snapping, sharp blade in my side, youch.

He claims he didn't mean it, he was just being nice. Good grief. Still peeves me somewhat and it took me over a year to understand and grapple with my own doubts regarding his worth. I hated his excuses, I still do. but I forgave him eventually. I understand now he was just trying to let her go easily but what he really did was make it easier on him, not her or me.
anyway, might take some time is all.

Ouch that sounds worse. My ex is renting out apartments and was simply trying to drum up business, she even told me so, and i said maybe, would be good to see you again (as she lives in one) then after the argument I told her about my new girl she said bring her too! But of course it was too late by then, but thats how innocent it was!

Wonder if theres a way I can say of getting her back before feb? Don't know if you saw my update, but 3 months in rehab thinking about her every day was hard enough, then things got deeper and now I gotta do it allll again!
Still no response 2hrs+

[woody]

yeah, it was a sore spot alright;took awhile.

Send her another one. It's been 2 hours since you sent out the last one but i'm guessing some time before that where there was no contact right? No harm in sending another. But no more than 2 in a day. It's a fine line but at least your putting it out there for her to mull over; might take some time. Maybe even a night so hunker on down and get prepped to wait. I imagine she's going to test you (in a matter of speaking), see how 'real and true' you are.
I imagine if she was able to read what you've written here, how your seeking advice and what your saying, it'd give her enough info to know, your really truly sorry and you realize how your actions hurt yet also she'll realize you had no agenda for reconciliation with the ex.
I'm just saying if she read what we've read, she'd get it.