My girl thinks I am not over an old ex, and that my commitment is not 100% to her

[TablesandChairs]

You're making excuses for poor, damaging behaviour and I honestly think you are romanticising what is essentially someone making you suffer unnecessarily. Insecurity? Can't take a compliment? Fear or rejection? In the female world, that's called normal (or at least common). At 30, we should have some understanding of ourselves and our insecurities and how to manage these. It's not because she's Polish - I know plenty of Poles. It's not because she's been hurt in the past - I can't name one person I know who hasn't been burned at least once.

What you're doing now is enabling her behaviour. We don't reward kids who throw tantrums - that'd be called bad parenting. Stop stressing over what to say, not say, do, not do...you've proven all you need to prove. Stop giving her reassurances - it just rewards this craziness. Take a step back and start focusing on you, your life, your goals and no more or this until when/if she decides to contact you offering either an apology or an admittance of over-reaction.

[michelle23]

Shes a drama queen. I dont know how anyone honestly believes love is supposed to be this much hard work. I would tell her to take her high maintenance ass off to some other idiot and leave me the hell alone if i were you. Why are you wasting your time on this girl? Shes playing you like a fiddle. She is only doing all this because she is too insecure and too immature to be in a real relationship and her jealousy and irrational thinking will sabotage any relationship she enters unless she gets some freaking help.

How any man would put up with this crap.. the two of you should be on a beach somewhere sipping cocktails and having sex 6 times a week in between romantic meals and fun outings.. thats a new relationship. Instead your alone and practically begging her for some attention coz shes jealous of some ex you dumped over a year ago.. my bf split from his ex a month before he met me. Was i worried? No. I made him so happy he never looked back. This girl is a train wreck waiting to happen and your enabling her dysfunctional shit

[pcmaster]

I think this BS will stop. The 3 months is probably top BS moment in this relationship. If this can be survived then any challenge can be faced. Also I thing BS will stop from her side, or at least eventually subside. So what - there are many girls who are insecure from beginning. So what - everyone have problems. It takes a while to realize that their guy cant live without them. This is a chance to prove that hes serious about her.

[michelle23]

No there will be something else or someone else upsetting her next month. Thats what jealousy and insecurity causes. It will lead to controlling behavior and him ending up under her thumb. Thats why he needs to grow a pair now and stand up to her

[tomcochrane]

I think this BS will stop. The 3 months is probably top BS moment in this relationship. If this can be survived then any challenge can be faced. Also I thing BS will stop from her side, or at least eventually subside. So what - there are many girls who are insecure from beginning. So what - everyone have problems. It takes a while to realize that their guy cant live without them. This is a chance to prove that hes serious about her.

Well, I got her birthday presents now. Not going to do anything til then on the 10th Dec. I'll invite her for a dinner in the card then if that doesn't prove something and move things along quicker then nothing will...and yeah I'll be a bit pissed off.

[pcmaster]

Tom are actually serious about this girl and are ready to take this challenge(3 months)?

Do you agree with Michelle btw?

[tomcochrane]

No there will be something else or someone else upsetting her next month. Thats what jealousy and insecurity causes. It will lead to controlling behavior and him ending up under her thumb. Thats why he needs to grow a pair now and stand up to her

I have a pair thanks! I couldn't help falling for her, and accepted her with her insecurities and all. Everything seemed right. Though initially I shouldn't have been contacting an ex, its rectified etc and you are right its a massive over reaction from her. As for standing up to her now, well, I can't contact her now really can I? As the ball is in her court and as your previous message said get on with my life, which I will. So, the next time we meet in person after the 10th or in February, whenever...I am going to speak to her, tell her I thought the 'punishment' or bullshit waiting time was wrong try to work through her problems with her. Her hardest thing will be any kind of acceptance that she was wrong in anyway. Whereas I admitted and addressed my issue and apologised like a man, knowing I was wrong. That should have been it if i have already been given a second chance as she says.
Can hardly call her now and tell her this is bs. If only was that easy!

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Tom are actually serious about this girl and are ready to take this challenge(3 months)?

Do you agree with Michelle btw?

Read above ^

I was serious when we were together yes. Things were amazing. Though I cant be having issues like this again.
I dont want to wait, no! Which is why I will write in the letter with her bday gift i dont need time to get over the ex, what are we actually waiting for? Then invite her for a xmas/bday date. Do you think thats a good move? Then, If she is still sticking till feb, and refuses then I've got some thinking to do of whether I can put up with someone doing this to me for no reason at all. She just needs to get this bloody idea out of her head that Im in love with an ex. Its tough.

[dontaskme]

What is wrong with you? You are coming across as a needy, pussy whip guy who needs to get back into rehab to get treated for another kind of addiction!

Do you really think that any amount of gifts and cards will change your girlfriend"s personality and character? Yeah, the other poster is right, there will always going to be a problem in your relationship because your fukcing girlfriend has some growing up to do! She's goddamn 30 years old and behaving like a freaking teenager. You both have some growing up to do!

For crying out loud! Stop with the freaking whining already!!!

[dontaskme]

And I don't give a shit about you [MENTION=42177]pcmaster[/MENTION]!

Who the fukc are you kidding with your shitty advice?!

[tomcochrane]

What is wrong with you? You are coming across as a needy, pussy whip guy who needs to get back into rehab to get treated for another kind of addiction!

Do you really think that any amount of gifts and cards will change your girlfriend"s personality and character? Yeah, the other poster is right, there will always going to be a problem in your relationship because your fukcing girlfriend has some growing up to do! She's goddamn 30 years old and behaving like a freaking teenager. You both have some growing up to do!

For crying out loud! Stop with the freaking whining already!!!

Yeah thats a pretty mean response. I am the grown up one thats why I am voicing my concerns. I'm not a 'pussy whip' or whatever. I made a mistake, dealt with it correctly and got an over reaction that I didn't expect so reached out for advice. I don't expect gifts to change her, its just going to be the first chance I get to contact her to include a letter to say that this 3 months thing is not serving any purpose!

I'm not being needy, I haven't been begging her or contacting her even. I fell in love and then accepted her problems and her as she was, is that hard to understand? This is the first time her problems have affected our relationship, which yeah is upsetting, but I know she's been hurting and will need re assurance so I want to help her through them in time. As thats what love is about!
Theres no need to be so rude and brash.

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And I don't give a shit about you [MENTION=42177]pcmaster[/MENTION]!

Who the fukc are you kidding with your shitty advice?!

Jeez..why is this turning into a silly argument!? You are saying others shouldn't be childish, practice what you preach!

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I think this BS will stop. The 3 months is probably top BS moment in this relationship. If this can be survived then any challenge can be faced. Also I thing BS will stop from her side, or at least eventually subside. So what - there are many girls who are insecure from beginning. So what - everyone have problems. It takes a while to realize that their guy cant live without them. This is a chance to prove that hes serious about her.

I do agree with you. It can only serve to make things stronger once this challenge is overcome. That's exactly what she said, that she wants me to prove that its only her I want. I can empathise with her when the message said about possibly seeing an ex in future, although just a passing comment it was a big deal for her when she realised she fell in love with me. If I can reduce the 3 months (2 and a half now) then I will
I don't think your advice is shit, thanks

[dontaskme]

Just in case you haven't noticed, and you seem to continue to ignore the advice being given to you by women.... We are telling you that your GF has got some serious shit going in her head. Now if you refuse to see that, then that's your bad. You make your bed, you can sleep on it!

An yes you are needy because you can't stop talking about this BS. If you are smart enough and know what is good for you, you need to divert your attention into something else that is more productive for you instead of posting here 24/7 about your insecure GF who probably doesn't give a shit whether your suffering or not!!!

And WTF, you're in love??? Give me a break. You are only together for a few months and this argument with your childish and insecure GF should not even qualify as an argument. Come back here whining after the honeymoon stage is over cause then, you will have a legitimate reason to bitch and complain about your relationship. Grow up!

[tomcochrane]

the two of you should be on a beach somewhere sipping cocktails and having sex 6 times a week in between romantic meals and fun outings.. thats a new relationship

Thats exactly what we were doing. 6 times a day! It was all great, thats what I want back

[dontaskme]

And if you only want to hear the advice that you'd like to hear, then you are in the wrong forum because some people here can be brutally honest for your own good for Christ sake!

[tomcochrane]

Just in case you haven't noticed, and you seem to continue to ignore the advice being given to you by women.... We are telling you that your GF has got some serious shit going in her head. Now if you refuse to see that, then that's your bad. You make your bed, you can sleep on it!

An yes you are needy because you can't stop talking about this BS. If you are smart enough and know what is good for you, you need to divert your attention into something else that is more productive for you instead of posting here 24/7 about your insecure GF who probably doesn't give a shit whether your suffering or not!!!

And WTF, you're in love??? Give me a break. You are only together for a few months and this argument with your childish and insecure GF should not even qualify as an argument. Come back here whining after the honeymoon stage is over cause then, you will have a legitimate reason to bitch and complain about your relationship. Grow up!

I am listening to advice, its coming from all directions though, I know theres stuff that needs to be sorted, plus I am only on here in the eve, I have commitments in the day.
Love is the way things were going..and what was said on the day when this stuff all blew up. Of course she cares about how I am, she wouldn't have said things to me that shes said to no one else in her life and last told me she thinks of me all the time if that wasnt the case. And its been 6 months I've known her now. Theres more to this story that I have let on. We met in extraordinary circumstances. We couldnt help where we met. A big foundation of trust was built up, she got to know me deeply within weeks, and accepted me. She is a proffessional and I was a client of hers, she could have lost her job if anyone knew.
She thought she had made a mistake but she was lucky she chose me as I didn't tell anyone. So almost instantly everything was in place, things moved fast and she got to know me months before I got to know her. Knowing my life history, all my problems and then the time we spent more recently was mostly just about me getting to know her. We risked a lot for each other. It's hard to describe how deep those emotions are on here in text.


So, with your advice, do you think if I think I love this girl I should leave her because of her problems or help her to feel re-assured, overcome them and stay with her?
If you care about someone do you run a mile if they have problems?
She knew I had drug problems from the very beginning, which I have been addressing, and stuck by me. Is it not my duty of loyalty and respect to do the same now I know she has some?

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And if you only want to hear the advice that you'd like to hear, then you are in the wrong forum because some people here can be brutally honest for your own good for Christ sake!

Thats fine, and it is making me ask questions, I appreciate that.
I'm glad that its not just me that thinks she has over reacted and has given me confidence in voicing that to her. I don't want to be under the thumb, i never have before and dont want to start now,
So yes,
Thanks...i just dont like it turning into arguments on forums like this,

[dontaskme]

Look, this is my last advice to you and if you are smart, you'd take it seriously. You can't change anyone. Your GF is the only person who can help herself by looking into her inner self deeply and not only acknowledging that she has issues but addressing them as well. Just like you sought rehab when you finally accepted the fact that you had a drug problem, she needs to rehabilitate herself either by asking for professional help or trying to do it for her own sake and future happiness and not because she wants to please you.

I didn't tell you to run away. I said you need to do something more productive for you and stop dwelling too much on this as I can see that it is eating you alive without you even knowing it.

Go out with you friends, visit your family, complete a project, do whatever it takes to get your mind of it until your insecure GF can get over her head and realize that the world doesn't revolve around her. Quit enabling her insecurities by being more positive and valuable to society instead of whining and wallowing in front of a computer screen and internet strangers.