Moral dilema

[Tibby321]

We are not married but living together. He moved into my home in March. We, at the time agreed it was a big step so soon but we would see how it goes and he would move out if it didn't work. This was due to him living 80miles away from me and the fact he had just had a two year ban from driving due to a drink drive offence.

He is an alcoholic and once I realised I tried to help but I failed to and become stressed and distressed with the situation. I asked him to leave. He said he wasn't going anywhere. I moved out of my own home on the 6th November and told him via email that I would not return until he had left.
His response was that he was doing things a bit at a time, the drink first then somewhere to move to. He booked himself into rehab so I returned to my home yesterday. He said he wanted to return here after the rehab but I said that I still felt it best he find his own place, that until I know he has stopped and that there is continued support and we felt ok with one another again I could not live with him.

Today I had a phone call from hospital near by where the rehab is. He has been rushed to AE due to withdrawal problems affecting his heart. He asked them to call me. It is some miles away so not gone to visit today, will go tomorrow.

Due to all the emotional blackmail I've had in the paste I wouldn't put it past him doing detox knowing he hadn't cut down enough to not cause the problem he is now facing but don't know.

I consulted legal advice when I first moved out and was told to change the lock and put his things outside when he was out. If he was to cause a problem I could call the police. Causing a problem is not his style but manipulation is (as I see it).

I talked to my son (25 years old) about him coming back here, he said not to do it, things would not get any better even if he stayed off the drink. I know my son is thinking of me but it is very hard to turn ones back on someone. I don't know how much this is 'please be sorry for me' or is genuine.

Not sure what is the right thing to do.

[Wakeup]

We are not married but living together. He moved into my home in March. We, at the time agreed it was a big step so soon but we would see how it goes and he would move out if it didn't work. This was due to him living 80miles away from me and the fact he had just had a two year ban from driving due to a drink drive offence.

He is an alcoholic and once I realised I tried to help but I failed to and become stressed and distressed with the situation. I asked him to leave. He said he wasn't going anywhere. I moved out of my own home on the 6th November and told him via email that I would not return until he had left.
His response was that he was doing things a bit at a time, the drink first then somewhere to move to. He booked himself into rehab so I returned to my home yesterday. He said he wanted to return here after the rehab but I said that I still felt it best he find his own place, that until I know he has stopped and that there is continued support and we felt ok with one another again I could not live with him.

Today I had a phone call from hospital near by where the rehab is. He has been rushed to AE due to withdrawal problems affecting his heart. He asked them to call me. It is some miles away so not gone to visit today, will go tomorrow.

Due to all the emotional blackmail I've had in the paste I wouldn't put it past him doing detox knowing he hadn't cut down enough to not cause the problem he is now facing but don't know.

I consulted legal advice when I first moved out and was told to change the lock and put his things outside when he was out. If he was to cause a problem I could call the police. Causing a problem is not his style but manipulation is (as I see it).

I talked to my son (25 years old) about him coming back here, he said not to do it, things would not get any better even if he stayed off the drink. I know my son is thinking of me but it is very hard to turn ones back on someone. I don't know how much this is 'please be sorry for me' or is genuine.

Not sure what is the right thing to do.

If you let him back before he has had at least one year of sobriety under his belt and concurrent help with either a psychiatrist/psychologist and or a 12 step programme then YOU will be the selfish one because you'll be enabling him to be who he has become. He'll be a dry drunk and if he's that, he'll be no better a partner then he was when he was drinking. He'll just be sober.

Do Not feel guilty about not letting him back because it's for his own good. Encourage him to get the concurrent help he's going to need to remain sober and to change his addictive personality. Tell him You can always revisit things in a year from now IF he's still sober but don't put yourself in his life until then.

Let him hit his rock bottom and let him be a man and bring himself up. Letting him do that is how self confidence and pride in who he has become is formed.

[Tibby321]

Thanks for the reply. Trying to do the right thing and will stick with what I have said. He will have to find somewhere else to live. He may choose not to see me again and so be it. He is responsible for himself.
I will go to the hospital today. May be I can talk with someone there so they know the situation. Knowing him he would of said he could come back home to me, thinking I will feel sorry for him. So going so I can reinforce what I have already told him so he can make moves in the right direction.

[Wakeup]

Well done, Tibby. Its nice to read about someone who knows what's best for themselves and is just here to re-affirm what they already know.

Cheers.

Do stick around and contribute to the forum if you have the time. Your experience will be invaluable to some.

[Tibby321]

Glad i went to hospital. He is suffering, rehab wont have him until he is physically fit. He legged it from hospital but security found him by a lake nearby. Hospital have set up so he cant leave. They said confussion is normal when withdrawing. Seeing them tomorrow about his care. It will be sometime i think before he goes any where other than social care of some kind. I will support but i wont have him home.
You're right Wake up it will be at least a year, very likely longer before he is right again (i say that hopefully).

[Wakeup]

Tibby, does he not have any family that can take over the "seeing of his care?" You've only known him since March and that's a lot to be taking on.