Help! I need an outside opinion. I know, it sounds crazy.

[nicole.s.]

Okay, so I'm going to give a little background information on the situation first.
I'm a 25 year old female. I was living with my mom planning on going to school down in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I was doing freelance gigs online, saving up money to go to school in order to major in web design at my local community college (a dream career). While doing so, Being a bit of an internet and music addict, I befriended this 41 year old dj who was promoting a few of the bands that I enjoyed listening too. We became mutual friends for about a year, but didn't really start talking until I posted a few pictures on a night I expressed feeling ugly on my facebook. Just one of those nights. Looking back he messaged me at a vulnerable time. We started talking intimately and a month later I was on a plane to go visit him here in Georgia.
A month after the visit I was moved in with him and his family. The money I had saved for going to school was used to completely redo and clean his childhood room. All of the furniture in here is mine, including the t.v. The floor is even mine. I put in like 2,000 into it because it was totally unlivable and then it took a thousand for me to get up here. After kind of waking up, I realize that this just isn't for me anymore. The age difference is getting to me and as nice as his family is I realize that there is some dysfunction here. Everyone is older than me so I feel like the kid. They are all in poor health and kind of grumpy, so I feel like I get bickered at a lot. It's just not what I thought it would be.
It's just not a situation I want to be in, anymore. I'm just being honest. Putting it nicely, it's just not a clean and healthy environment and I am a clean and healthy person who comes from a very loving family. I feel like I'm loosing myself here. My boyfriend is a sweet person. He really is, but his health is not that great, and he doesn't have a desire to change it. There is no physical romance and he keeps making excuses, but it's just not there. When we were first talking it was almost completely different. He expressed a lot of lust and adoration for me, but after my visit there it went down hill. He invited me to stay with him (and often talks about marriage), and honestly I had a great thing going back at home, so I am here because I did think I loved him. Now I feel like I keep seeing red flags.
I told my mom that I wanted to come home, and she is driving up from Louisiana to Augusta to visit in December. I am thinking about going back with her and just staying. Leaving the rest of my belongings behind. I honestly have no idea how my boyfriend will take it, because with as sweet as he is, I know there is an angry side. His stories about getting angry have scared me before.

I guess I just need an outside opinion as to what you would do in my situation. Reading this over I realize how crazy and naive I must sound. *sigh*
EDIT: The bedroom was unlivable that's why I spent so much money on it.

[Panama]

You said it yourself - wrong choice, hence change it. Move out, sell the fufnitures, break up and move on

[TablesandChairs]

Take it as a lesson learned; the age gap is too big, you've had to invest just to make a grown man's home liveable...there's no intimacy. No point staying out of a sense of guilt or obligation, that's just postponing the inevitable. Feelings will be hurt, sure - that's how it goes. I don't mean to simplify your situation but there aren't really too many options as to how to proceed - you leave/break up and move on.

[katyk]

Yes...go home with your mom! If you think there may be ugly scenes don't stop for the bigger stuff - just pack up what you can load in the car and go. I am not suggesting this will happen but just in case it does get nasty, is there anyone who could come with your mum .....like a 6 foot 3 bouncer???

Don't think of this as a waste of time/poor judgement. You felt you were in love, you have changed your mind end of! Happens to plenty of people. Now you have made your decision, stick with it! Don't be tempted to stay for ease or guilt. now THAT would be wasting your time.

Good luck x

[montanamommy]

First of all, you're young and you made a young-stupid mistake...don't beat yourself up over it. We've ALL made those mistakes in our 20's. All you can do is learn from it and never make that kind of mistake again. The saying goes, "You live, you learn" for a reason. There is no better lesson than one which you've learned first-hand, and you, my dear, most definitely have learned a valuable lesson about your heart; you seem to fall in love very easily, which most women in their 20's do. I'm sure he sounded great at first and it seemed kinda cool, but once reality hit, you were thinking, "Uh, what was I thinking??"

It's okay, and totally normal, so don't beat yourself up, okay?

Now, once you've stopped kicking yourself, here's what I think you should do:

Make a plan, first and foremost. You're obviously over this guy and the situation as a whole.
1. First, I would talk to your mom and see if she'll take you in temporarily. She'll most likely say yes, but if she doesn't, find an alternate place to live first.
2. Then, make a plan as to how you're going to get your furniture out of that house. I know you're ready to leave it all behind, but believe me, if you hit a rough financial spot, that's stuff that you can sell on Craigslist or at a garage sale and make some dough. There's no reason to leave it all behind, that's for sure. Make arrangements with a close friend, family member, or professional moving company to relocate your stuff. You can use U-haul, and have a friend (male, preferably) present in case that anger from your bf emerges. You'll have someone there to protect you.

3. My suggestion is to leave when he's not there. There's less drama, and less worrying about his anger.

4. I wouldn't tell him you are leaving until after all of your stuff is out of the house and you are safely with family. I know from experience that men with volatile tempers can be downright violent when women leave them. You need to look out for YOURSELF and stop worrying about hurting this guy's feelings.

5. Change your number if need-be. Change your email address if need-be. Cut contact with him, because honestly, I feel like you were taken advantage of here. A man his age should not be having a woman your age relocate as far as you did, have you living with his disgruntled, weird family, have you pay to remodel a room in HIS house, and then hold his anger over your head as leverage for you not to leave.

best of luck, and keep us updated!! Stay safe, girl.

[pcmaster]

Just run away. You will eventually become just like them. Life is being suck out of you. You are young and should be together with someone your age. Your BF should say thanks for the time you given him and let you go. Theres nothing that they have that you want.

[nicole.s.]

Thanks for the input, guys. I know that I've already made up my mind, and I agree, I look at it now and it feels like I was sort of taken advantage of. I just need to not kick myself for this. I'm a bit more mature then before I left home, and I'm going to end up writing this off as a life lesson. As far as all of my things, I think I'm going to leave the furniture behind. As hard as I tried to keep our room clean and hygenic it just wasn't possible with the cats and with the condition the room was in before I got here. I'm just going to pack my clothes and the important stuff, and call it a loss. I already talked to my mom and she said that she's happy to come pick me up during Christmas break. I just won't be coming back.

I think I will feel guilty for a bit though. We started school together (computer programming), but I after the dust has settled I just can't see myself living this way. It sounds selfish, but I'm concerned about my own health and mentally losing it in the day to day chaos. I know that he cares for me and he's expressed being suicidal and lost without me in the past, but I realize that I can't be responsible for being so sacrificial when I feel like I'm not getting anything in return love and affection wise. Again, it sounds selfish. I just hope he's going to be okay and still push himself to better himself after I'm gone. He's a good guy, but he needs more than I can give him. I realize that now.

[woody]

ah, Florence Nightingale syndrome, ain't it grand?

Dear Nicole,

Your not being selfish; your making the right choice by leaving. You spent allot of money (money that was for school) and he took it. I get that you and he wanted a cozy bedroom but any person that takes money intended for schooling, well, there's another red flag.

You rushed in here. They may be nice people but if their habits and energy are weighing on you, you must do what is right for you and get out of there. Yes, go back to your Mum's and start over again. Lessons learned n all. It is not your responsibility to cure a person. Sure, we always help our significant others but when the scales tip too much to one side, when the love and affections dwindle down, we must gather our strengths, pick up the pieces and move on.

get back home where your safe. Earn that money back for your dream career and next time, don't give a guy all your money. Ever.

Good news? you've got allot of heart kid. Keep it safe.

[nicole.s.]

Thanks woody. I think I needed to hear that I have a good heart. I'm hoping I can overcome the guilt of leaving. All of them have been through a lot of loss and I know that they see me as part of the family. My thing is that I know that I've helped them a lot. They said the energy of the house has completely changed for the better since I moved in. I try my best to help them with everything. I try to smile and laugh a lot even given the situation and even if I'm feeling sad and lifeless here. I'm dealing with depression at this point. I just don't want anyone to hate me. I feel like they are going to feel betrayed if I leave like I've abandoned them and I know that I help my boyfriend stay happy, but the thing is that I'm not feeling happy. I've left my dreams, my loving family, my dogs behind, that I can't wait to hold again. I miss feeling healthy and happy. I just hope I won't beat myself up too bad and that they can be understanding of me. I used to think that I was a worthless person, that maybe I was bad, but I'm a law abiding citizen who has a great family who is super close and happy. I just hope that I can be as forgiving and understanding with myself like I am with everyone else. I will miss my boyfriends companionship, and friendship, but if I can start to love myself as much as I love everyone else I know I can bounce back.

- - - Updated - - -

It is super scary though.

[Wakeup]

, it's just not a clean and healthy environment and I am a clean and healthy person who comes from a very loving family.

Did they not give you advice about this? You barely knew this guy and he's an old twat that pounced on your vulnerability.

Hope you learned a lesson at least.

Don't tell him you're going, he may lock you up in the basement. You hardly even know the real him but you've slowly figured out that he's the twat that he is. Lets hope he's not a violent twat.

[nicole.s.]

Maybe I didn't make myself very clear in the last post, but I AM LEAVING. I just have to wait a whole month to do so. The situation is that I took a pell grant out for school and will have to pay it back if I leave. We were also in a law suit over a guy who rear ended up in May, so I'm wondering how I can finish a law suit while in a different state. If anyone has any experience with that please let me know how you dealt with it. I have to wait until Dec. 23 until my mom and aunt can come pick me up and I cannot flippin wait!! lol.
I'm not sure if I can call the lawyer and ask him, because the lawyer is a fan of my boyfriend's show and I'm not sure how confidential he'll stay on the matter. I'm just in a bit of a mess. If I have too I'm willing just to call it all a loss and move on. I'm growing frustrated by the hour. For example: I've spent my entire thanksgiving holiday working on a toilet and floor in his dad's bathroom with his disabled brother who can barely bend over. SO I have two days to finish three papers for school, if that, with a sliced finger, mind you. I'm about ready to ask my mom if she can buy a bus ticket for me, and I can catch a ride to the station some how. I need patience.

[Wakeup]

Maybe I didn't make myself very clear in the last post, but I AM LEAVING.

Yea, I know. Maybe I didn't make myself very clear when I said "don't tell him you're going" etc. Besides, you leaving doesn't mean you've learned from this so that you don't do stupid things like move in with total strangers. So... have you learned anything?

I just have to wait a whole month to do so. The situation is that I took a pell grant out for school and will have to pay it back if I leave. We were also in a law suit over a guy who rear ended up in May, so I'm wondering how I can finish a law suit while in a different state.

You should ask your insurance company or your lawyer for advice on that.

If anyone has any experience with that please let me know how you dealt with it. I have to wait until Dec. 23 until my mom and aunt can come pick me up and I cannot flippin wait!! lol.

HAVE you told him you're leaving?

I'm not sure if I can call the lawyer and ask him, because the lawyer is a fan of my boyfriend's show and I'm not sure how confidential he'll stay on the matter.

What you say should remain confidential if you make sure you tell him it's between you and he because he could lose his license for breaching client confidentiality. Are you his client.. are you filing the suit or is your loser bf the accident victim?

If I have too I'm willing just to call it all a loss and move on. I'm growing frustrated by the hour. For example: I've spent my entire thanksgiving holiday working on a toilet and floor in his dad's bathroom with his disabled brother who can barely bend over. SO I have two days to finish three papers for school, if that, with a sliced finger, mind you. I'm about ready to ask my mom if she can buy a bus ticket for me, and I can catch a ride to the station some how. I need patience.

Do you know how to say the word "no" to people. You need to hone your personal boundaries and stop getting your self-worth through caretaking. Learn to say No when you have things of your own to do, especially if they could impact your future in a negative way (like failing the subject for instance)

You're your own worst enemy.

Anyway... be proactive in what in YOUR best interests at this point. Forsaking your schoolwork to work on someone who you're escaping from's, shitter is NOT in YOUR best interests. :0)

[nicole.s.]

He knows that I'm leaving for a visit on winter break. That's it. I plan on telling him when I'm states away with my family.
And yes, I have learned something, otherwise I'd be staying and living the rest of my life miserable. And no worries, it's really the dumbest thing that I've ever done. Ever. So it doesn't bug me that it sounds dumb. I now realize that it is and was to do such a thing. It could have been worse. He could have been mean and abusive, but I think he loved me in the only way he knew how and I now know it's just not good enough for me. I plan on never putting myself in this situation again. I took a shot on a person that a thousand people sweared was a good person, two of my friends included. We connected. I felt loved. I was wrong. I'm moving on and taking something from it. Not only from the situation but from the things that happened here to me. The good and the bad. I'm going to be quite bitter at love for a while until I have my crap together, but from here on out, my twenties are shamelessly for myself as they should be. As far as the lawyer situation goes we were both in the wreck together and filed a suit individually with the same lawyer. It was in his car, so I think the lawyer might have to keep him updated on any changes that happen? Not sure. I know that I'm probably not the first to be on a situation where I have to leave and move out of the state while something like this happened. People travel, people move, things come up. There's probably a way through faxing papers, etc. If there's money involved for the lawyer, which there is, and he's working for me then I'm sure he has to work around it. I was injured, had to go to the hospital, chiropractor over this hit and run, so I'm lawfully entitled at least for the money to pay back my doctors.

[TablesandChairs]

These things happen, especially at your age. He's not some 'evil' guy from your explanation - but his habits and his attitude are obviously things you now realise are not for you. This is a valid reason to break-up - people break up all the time and it's not always about cheating or abuse...sometimes it's the 'little' things that mount up until you either a) stay and become bitter, resentful and desperately unhappy or b) recognise that moving on is necessary. In my opinion, big age gaps aren't a great idea - especially when one of you is early 20's and the other is middle aged. Very different life-stages, different expectations, needs and vision for the future.

I agree with wake-up, having boundaries and knowing when to say 'no' is something you need to learn (and probably will) but I'm thinking that since you live with him and his family, you might not feel entirely comfortable saying 'no'.

I would ask your mum to come sooner rather than later; it's hard living in a situation that you've already decided you want to be free from and telling him the truth might be risky considering you have nowhere else to go. Tie up your loose ends and try to end things amicably (if at all possible).

[Wakeup]

Get a new lawyer to handle your law suit. The lawyer you have now is likely going to suggest you do that because once you're not there or with your bf there will be a conflict of interest. Contact a new lawyer and get a bit of advice before you leave.

Know, without a doubt what you should do because, yes, you should at least get your medical bills covered and a little compensation for pain and suffering (not only due to the accident but by moving there with him and how it turned out) wouldn't hurt.

Don't fly by the seat of your pants on this one too... do your research and have professional advice guiding you.

Good luck and keep us updated on how things are going.