my relationship is all messed up...please advice

[mysteriouseyes]

Hi Friends

I am 30 years old. I am in a relationship with this guy from 3 years. We had talked about everything (goods and bads) and love each other very much. We decided to get married in June 2013. Before that he did some mistakes, we had fights (ugly ones), but later he made up for all that and won my trust again. whole 2014 went very smoothly. we loving each other more and more everyday.

But later I realized that my family do not like him even though they agreed for our wedding. In our culture your parents decide whom you should marry. After a bit of resistance they gave in and agreed for him. My mom always complained that he is short (few inches higher than me), Dark and from a different community. Dad complained he earns less than you. But to be very honest he is the guy who let me live independently and help me to think straight. I am emotionally weak when it comes to my family and he makes me strong. From my family's behavior, it does not look like they care enough for me. They feel like i am obliged to do what they say and I do not follow same way they start scolding me (even if i am 30...for them i am a girl and i should listen to them). My mom is ashamed of choice i made for my life partner and taunted me many time in many ways.

Then in august my sister came to live with me (I work in different city and she started studying here). She started noticing everything very carefully..the way he walk talk and behave. Whenever we had a fight she told everything at home to my parents. He uses e-cigraette (smoking an drinking is taken very bad as per our culture, I am ok with it) and drinks beer. My sister told everything at home. I got scolding from my parents that is this the type of person you want to be a part of our family. He doesnot suit us at all. everyday same kind of scolding and nagging.

One day we both had an argument and he ended up shouting on me in front of my sister and our best friend. I felt insulted. We later fought when everyone was gone. He apologized for three days. Things got back to normal between us. But my sister made an issue out of it. Few small things like this keep happening.

We both live in same apartment building on same floor. Everytime i go to his flat to get sometime alone for us..my sister keep questioning me why you are going, whats the reason. I had very ugly arguments with her (she ended up pointing finger on my character that i am a slut)..and told everything to my parents that we both spend time each other in his apartment. whenever he comes to my flat, she is so unwelcoming. She dont want to leave me alone for a second. whenever he calls she makes faces.

Within 2 and half months, I have gone through an immense stress and fights with parents, sister and my bf.

On sunday I went to show him my new haircut and he was in bathroom. There was a movie on pause on his laptop so i clicked play. Somehow it minimized the window. The other window which was open was his fake id and he was listed on craiglist asking for "services" - BJ's and NSA. Posts were from atleast a month ago. I was shattered. I confronted him.

My trust is broken. I told him that its over. I broke up with him. He literally held my feet and asked my forgiveness. I never saw him crying and he cried when i walked out. He is begging from me since then. Asking for one chance to improve. hHe said he cannot imagine his life without me.

To be very honest, even i cannot imagine my life without him. 3 years of companionship and love. All my dreams broken in a second. Could not breathe with all this. I am crying my eyes out when i think of living without him. At same time I cannot imagine myself living with him. even though I love him i cannot be with him. We had to part our ways. But from two days he is pursuing me to give him a chnace. We work at same place, live in same building. I am under a lease so cannot leave the place. We have to see each other everyday.

What should i do? My decision for breakup is firm. he is begging one chance from me. but i cannot face him. Everytime he comes in front of me. Something happens to me. He is the guy i devoted my life to. I am in so much love with him, my eyes fills with tears. What to do. Please help. Need you advice urgently.

[TablesandChairs]

Listen to your parents next time.

[mysteriouseyes]

that is not the solution

[Wakeup]

You've already answered your own dilemma: You said "I cannot imagine myself living with him" which came very easy after you found out that he was soliciting for blowjobs off stranger women from the internet.

You' only say "I can't imagine myself living without him" because you're used to him being in your life. That "used to" will soon turn to indifference if you go zero contact and totally believe that you've done the right thing... which you have since:

> He's been cheating on you.
> Your parents and sister hate him
> They disrespect and abuse you verbally for disobeying them
> You defied your family and you knew it would cause you problems and it still is.

Bottom line: You're better off without him so do the mental work you need to do to come to terms with that fact, keep yourself busy and do things that will introduce you to the type of man your parents will approve of. Otherwise, if you take him back he will likely keep cheating on you but for sure, your parents will keep abusing you and your C**t of a sister will keep ratting on you which will just facilitate you being tormented and emotionally abused.

[mysteriouseyes]

Is there any way to get out of this emotional abuse as well? I love my family and I am sole bread winner for them. In no way i can leave them. But I feel they do understand that and make me oblige them.

Another thing with my body clock ticking, my mom had one to one discussion with me from last two days. I have not not told about the breakup to anyone other than close friends since I dont know what would be the reaction. I dont know how family will treat me. Since it is a taboo to have a boyfriend, I had one and later when they approved I broke up. My mom was saying that now you should hurry up for marrige as girls in our culture get married by 24-25.

She says that her and dad's health is going down and they want me to get married in 2015. I cannot understand what to do. I can understand their situation. They have societal pressure as all my younger cousin brothers and sisters are getting married. Marrying a guy from my native place would be difficult as there will difference between thinking. Dating for one more year looks impossible (given the pressure from my parents right now)

Please advise

[Wakeup]

Wow! I think you need to go on a forum that caters to people in your own culture and ask them to advise you.

[michelle23]

This is your life. Stop allowing others to tell you what to do. You are a grown woman, smart, strong, educated, good job, independent. You have the world at your feet and can do better than this loser. Move on. Make it 100% clear its over and stand strong in that decision. You will heal in time. Broken hearts do not last forever. You will marry someone else and start a family. Marriage is for life and you should not waste something so special on someone who can cause you such pain.

[smackie9]

Stop and think for a second and ask yourself, what is the most healthiest solution to this? Getting rid of him. Your clock maybe ticking but you still have plenty of time to find the right guy. Now that you have learned that you cannot ignore the red flags, and you haven't the time to forgive, you push forward. As for your parents, ignore their meddling. Yes they worry and feel you are not in very good control in your judgment, and choiced you have made, the fact is, you learn from your mistakes. This is very valuable, and it prepares you to find the right person. One that fulfills your expectation, and some of your parents. You just need to work on your self worth and self confidence. You don't NEED this guy in your life, you NEED someone you deserve. You work hard, you have a good job, and have built a strong life for your future. Don't let this spoil it. You can find the right man, and you will. But for now, get rid of the guy, and don't look back.

[mysteriouseyes]

I am firm on my decision. My ex did not accept it initially but now he accepted it. I tried to explain him that once trust is broken, it will never be same. However, I did not disclose it to family specially. I know it will be something to party for my sister.

Me and my ex are in good terms and we share common group of friends. Our friends know about this. Now situation is he stopped coming over to my place for which my sister is very happy. She thinks she achieved this by controlling me. But for few days I was very busy at work and dinner because of christmas and new year. A completely new scenario is created at home. She told my parents that stay out late in night and dont spend enough time with her. Everytime I am away my mom dad start calling me and start asking where I am. i never lied about where I am going. My friends plan a weekend movie at my ex 's place for new year, I went for movie and came back right after movie even though my friends insisted to stay back. But then there was this big issue with my mother. She started crying that she dont know what happened to me. Why i am not considerate of their feelings? Why I leave my sister alone at home? She feels lonely and why dnt i spend time with her?

I could not understand what to do. I cannot kick her out of my house because she is dependent on me. But her behavior is just killing me. I am so stressed out I could not tell. I sleep crying every night. I end up fighting with my parents every night for no reason. Yesterday my friend wanted to discuss a new job offer over coffee. He picked me up and we went to coffee shop right next to my house for 2 hrs. she called home and told them that i am away. My mom called me 10 times in half an hour during the meeting with friend. I didnt receive her call and called her later. I asked what happened she told she was just checking what i am doing. I explained her where i was and what i was doing. Then out of no where she started why dont you take care of yourself? Why do you have to help other? Spend time with your sister at home, dont waste time for other people, concentrate on your life, stay at home and chill with your sister. This literally made me cry. What is my crime? I could not understand. This is miserable

[lissa]

You have such an oppressive family, I'm very sorry you have to deal with them. You sound like a very good person who does not deserve that. If I were you, I'd take a huge step away from them for your wellbeing. Your body is stressed out and not functioning well because it is screaming that what they are doing to you is not healthy. It's a sign that you have to make a change. I know it's not easy at all to enforce boundaries with your family, but you HAVE TO. You have to keep them at a distance or you risk just wasting your life away being pestered and controlled by them.

I don't know exactly how you should do it, but you should not live with your sister anymore. If you have to lie and say you have a new job that means you have to move 50 miles away, do it. Do it anyway you can. Make a break from her because she is stressing you out and adding to the family drama with your parents.

Finally, I'll say this - I think the reason your family is trying so hard to control you (beyond the fact that they are very controlling!) is that they know you are an independent thinker and they don't like it. They know they have to try even harder to get you to do things they want you to do, because you have your own mind and your own desires. That is something to be proud of!! Don't let them crush that.

[smackie9]

Pack up your sisters stuff, take her by the hand and leave her at your parents door step. She is not your responsablity, you are not her parent. If your sister has mental issues, then maybe she needs to be put into a group home so she can getthe help and monitoring she needs. You need to stand up for yourself, and confront your parents. Tell them to stop manipulating you into doing their will. You have a life, and if they are so worried about your sister then they need to take care of her.

[Wakeup]

Seriously DO tell your sister that next time she calls your parents and upsets them when they are no where close so that they feel out of control, then you will send her into the street to fend for herself.

This is ridiculous that she continues to be a c*nt and is doing her best to get you and your parents upset.

Take back your personal power and read your sister the riot act. She's a spoiled little twat who needs to either live by YOUR rules, since it's YOUR home or she gets her own home. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.

Are you Indian? Are you Chinese? What is your "culture" that the parents are given free rein to abuse you mentally and verbally?

[SnackAttack]

You need to have some respect for yourself and leave. No matter how much he is begging, etc, he betrayed you in a specific way. Did you confront him on whether or not he actually did meet up with people? Of course, it's pretty clear that he had intention, but for instance there have been times where my friends say things like, "Dude, did you know this exists on such and such website", and I go there just to see if it's true. Sometimes it's innocent, but it clears clear here.

[eyes84]

I am Indian - belong to a conservatice family (I never thought that they are conservatice because they always supported me for higher study and working alone)...but things look different now.