will he choose me?

[demicat]

I'm going to make this as brief as possible though there's a massive amount of things that have happened.

Long story short, I had been friends with him at work ever since the very first day I started, so 6 months now. Slowly as time progressed we got closer to the point of going to lunch together and hanging out outside of work. We have a ridiculous amount of things in common in ways that we can talk to others and people will not even understand the words coming out of our mouths. (because we are both extremely nerdy) It's not just likes, it's even in things we eat, overall habits, things we do to an almost terrifying level. The more time went on we both caught on to that.

I was in a relationship for about 4 years that ended horribly though it was by my own hands. It was very abusive and I couldn't take it anymore. The results of this was that I was thrown out, nowhere to go, barely had any of my things, didn't have food, didn't my pets. Just some of my clothes and my car. He was the one who stepped up and told me to stay with him and he took me in. When I cried he held me, he consoled me. He held me as I went to sleep at night and never let go of me all night. He fed me, cooked for me and took care of me when I didn't feel well. He was sweet and a gentleman about everything. Slowly as time progressed we became closer. The way he looked into my eyes, slowly touching, hand holding, kissing....sex. I had said from the get go I was avoiding a rebound and I didn't want to hurt him or use him. In the long run I didn't care if it came across that way anymore because after that month had passed I realized I was falling for him, he saved me, he understood me better than anyone ever had in my life.

I had confessed this to him and he said it back. I knew he had an accidental child with another girl slightly less than a year ago and on the weekend went away to tend to this. I never had any issue with this because I have seen too many situations where the father wouldn't. After I asked him how his holiday was I came to discover he was still with this girl. I asked him if everything he said about his feelings and loving me was true and he said yes. He said those nights he held me while I fell asleep on him he almost slipped out the words "I love you." He even said that he felt I was a much better match for him and that I've made him happier than he's been in a long time. He said he didn't have intentions of staying with her in a relationship. He did also say he was holding on to what little he had left and was trying not to break promises with her. He also said he wished the situation were different. While that made me feel better... I had never felt so heartbroken in my life and I felt that his statements showed conflict.

When he left for this weekend I broke down crying in front of him because now that I knew this I couldn't take it, it hurt so bad. He kissed me and held me telling me it will be okay before he left. I cried until my eyes were swollen and I passed out. When I woke I sent him an email quoting some of those prior statements and I said. "I am not forcing you to choose her or me right now. She was obviously there first and I just suddenly happened. You are going through a lot right now and I know it's a difficult situation. I am not unreasonable. I know you must feel hurt and conflicted and you mustn't feel truly happy with her if you did everything you had done not only for me...but with me. You could've easily not told me anything and used me, let me leave but you gave me the truth and you gave me a key. My heart aches everytime you leave because I cannot stand the idea that your away with her and not with me. I just need to know....should I keep this in my mind as simply friends with benefits? Should I turn off my emotions? Or do you intend to end it with her at some point whether it be sooner or later? Should I wait for you? Is it okay for me to release my emotions entirely to you? I am not rushing you on an answer but I need to know so I can stop putting myself through this. Just promise me that no matter what that your child will always be number one..."

He hasn't responded yet... I am actually crying a little as I'm writing this. Despite this I can't stand the idea of being away from him...I feel like an idiot and I don't know what to do or feel... so my question to you guys... do you think he's using me or do you think someday I may be with him? Any ideas of what may be going through his mind?

It hurts me so much to lay in this bed and look an empty spot where he usually would lay

[pcmaster]

Thats a beautiful love story. But seems that its over. There are many things you can do to make this easier for you. First of all realize guy is prick and you deserve better. Second keep busy and social. Would be great if you had friends or counselor or therapist you can talk about this.
Check this video. Might be useful in your situation

youtube.com/watch?v=K8Exlo4E5v8

[demicat]

Thank you, it did help a little bit...

[pcmaster]

I know you are in sad place because you cry. And crying that alone is crazy.

Theres no shortcuts or easy way out of this pain. You just have to do the right thing do good things for yourself love yourself. Turn the love you have for the guy against yourself and heal.


youtube.com/watch?v=qSxyffSB7wA

[demicat]

Thank you for helping me figure this out

[michelle23]

Hes been lying to you for 6 months. Everything hes ever said was a lie. He hid his child from you and pretended to be available. Hes cheating on her all this time. He doesn't seem like a good catch to me and i would tell him to get lost

You just got out of a long term abusive relationship. You are vulnerable and looking fir someone to save you. You need to save you, become emotionally stable and strong, get your independence back and rediscover who you are and what you want/need. You do not need another dysfunctional abusive relationship with a liar and cheat.

I think you should be alone, get some counselling, heal, become strong, set your standards high and when you are ready, find a man who you can trust and feel safe with. Theres plenty of good ones around so stop settling for second best

Good luck

[Wakeup]

This is hardly a "beautiful love story" its a dysfunctional mess where you're so codependent that instead of leaving a guy that has been lying and betraying you and keeping you as his "spare" you're asking him should you wait for him? Most people that were not in need of professional therapy for their lack of self-worth would leave this piece of shit immediately upon hearing that he has a relationship ongoing with the mother of his child for goodness sakes.

Get up off your ass, pack your things, call a woman's shelter and tell them you need a place to stay and to get the therapy you need to be able to quickly distance yourself from men who you believe are wonderful when they are users who get their kicks from having more then one person needing them and ****ing them.

My dear girl. Please get the help you need to see that this man is not a good man but rather an opportunist who took an opportunity to have two women, both of who are in need of some personal boundaries so they glean enough love of self to know they deserve better then the likes of him.